Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

So… Boys that messaged at Christmas

Not that it really meant anything, but I suppose if you are on someone’s mind at Christmas, that isn’t a discouraging sign.

• Mr Hollywood - he will also be in town in spring
• The 5 guys I matched with on a dating app when I got very needy earlier this month, one of whom I quite like chatting to, and another who is very hot/my type
• Mr RedWine - and I’m actually oddly pleased he messaged, I hoped he would for some reason
• Several exes and old flames (most married with kids so no danger/ potential there!). Although I’m not sure how their other halves would feel about them going ‘message me if you’re ever in [enter country], would be good to see you’
• Mr WorkCrush - well actually that’s a lie, I messaged him, but he sent a nice detailed message in response quite quickly

So I suppose there is hope out there.

Should I date any of them?! No idea!!

I’d love to still meet someone IRL, get to know them as a friend and fall in love that way.

Looked around at Christmas and I wouldn’t like what most of my cousins have… well-meaning but really quite boring husbands. However, one of the cousins… Both her and her partner are quite ambitious, met through overlapping professional circles in their late 30s (she is 2nd wife), and live a life of shared hobbies, work interests and travel. That sounds like something I could be down with and perhaps that’s why I’m a bit glad Mr RedWine texted.

@NervesOfCotton that is a bit disingenuous to have photos looking one way, but then after chatting reveal that you actually look another way. I understand some men might like to cycle between beard/shaven on a regular basis, but then they should have examples of both within their pictures. You should present yourself as you look like if you met someone that night.

(I was on here before, possibly under a different name??? and not for a good few months anyway, but am determined to come back in the next month or two.)

Sounds like Mr RedWine is a contender? Tell us more about him 👀

Hi IAm16StoneHalloween2024. It's a weird thing to do isn't it.

I was really giving myself a hard time for being so put off by the beard, too! (Until he turned into a twat) but I thought to myself 'It's like me having photos on with my long hair, & then after chatting, adding one where I have a shaved head, & pretending that I don't see the difference'.

I think you definitely dodged a bullet there. There so so many catfish men out there where like your example they do not upload recent pictures and their photos are actually from 10 years ago.

I would have said this too but he made a point of saying he had not drunk much in the day so he could drive home from his family members house. Unless that was a lie and he could walk home from family members house.
Yes will definitely need to keep an eye out for this behaviour

Christmassprinkles123 Absolutely. I know we like to look our best on our photos but plenty of women like beards anyway!

On that note, I took a terrible picture of my face when I was trying to get a photo of my new necklace, looking down at my phone, I have about 16 chins... I might upload it in the interest of brutal honesty

Well I don’t really know if he’s a contender… think I called him something else on here before. He’s the guy I went on dates with but dropped when Mr WorkCrush as much as looked at me!

He used to live near me but has now taken a job far far away, so that’s a big obstacle. Another obstacle is that I dropped him for a reason, I guess. Things were heading beyond the ‘kissing when saying goodbye’ territory and suddenly I realised I didn’t fancy going there. He’s attractive but when kissing someone, I’d expect to get lost in the moment and not want the kissing to end - with him it was certainly ‘ok I just want to go now, bye’. And I’m not really sure why - maybe because I was interested in someone else.

He’s a lot like me, similar hobbies, interests, lifestyle, smart guy, similar life experiences, background… when we talk about our lives and future plans we really get each other. Quite aligned on values. Like the way he looks and dresses. In terms of a long-term partner, someone like him would be a good fit.

He did ask me in a roundabout way if I was still single, too.

Hi, I'd just like some advice because I'm probably being silly. Met a guy "Mr windows" old just over a month ago. Had a first date pretty quick, which was just a casual drink, went well, so arranged a second date for the week after which was a meal. Both dates we had a kiss at the end and I suggested a 3rd date but it took around 2 and a half weeks to find a date he was free (I have hobbies but can just not go whereas he can't just cancel having his kids).
So we met on Tuesday 23rd, had a drink and a walk, and went back to his and slept together, which was nice as we've both been single for a couple of years. I messaged when I got home to say I'd got home safely (as I got the train back), and he thanked me for the date. Since then, though, something is different?
He has his kids, who are 6 and 9, from xmas day to nye so I know he has his hands full, but I didn't hear from him the next day (xmas eve), he text xmas day to say Merry Christmas which I replied to, then nothing. I text xmas night to say how was your day and got a bit of a generic answer. I figured he was tired from the day, but the conversation that usually follows previously wasn't there. Then yesterday (boxing day), I thought I won't message but later in the day thought no I'm not doing the message dance like previous dating where you have to follow certain bloody "rules" on when you should/shouldn't message so again just sent a "how's your day been"? This time, I just got a "yeah, it's been nice, but just feel like an early night x," so I just did a 👍 to the message.

Writing this I sound like I'm being silly, but something feels off since that 3rd date, and he's just stopped making effort. I did think well he has his kids, which is tirin, but at the same time I think would he be a miserable bastard when he has his kids? Mine are 16 and 18 so much older.

@Healingsfall it seems like he's lost interest now you have slept together. Cruel but better you know now. If he wanted to continue, he'd be making plans or not shutting down conversations with 'having an early night'

@Healingsfall

Unfortunately like a lot of men on OLD it seems like once he’s got sex, he’s lost interest.

Thanks @RRealdeal1. I might still be wrong, but it does appear that way 😕 The not messaging could just be that he's knackered with 2 younger kids, but the "having an early night" shutdown is telling. 😟

My old subscription ended a couple of weeks ago so looks like I'll be renewing it...

Sorry Healingsfall but I agree that it looks like he's lost interest. It's really not difficult to send a quick text with a few lines at the end of a busy day with your kids. And yes, the 'Early night' was just to make you leave him alone (sorry, I hope you are ok)

@TwistedWonder it seems that way! Whether you sleep with them on the 1st or 10th date I imagine the same thing would happen! 🤬

@Healingsfall If he has his kids there could he be in ‘kid’ zone, a world in which flirting and women does not exist?

Also, can I give another angle re having sex then things seemingly cooling off? I am not saying this is what’s happened but it is a ‘thing’ for some people. You know when you kiss someone and it’s not quite right? Like, it’s fine, it’s pleasant, it’s even good, but it’s not ‘right’? And you (not you personally) go online and say “the drinks were great, the meal was fabulous, the flirting and everything was out of this world but then his kisses were meh. I’m not seeing him again.” And you can’t put your finger on it other than to know it’s not a thing you want to pursue? Maybe there’s that going on for him? If so, it’s not you, it’s not him, it’s the chemistry wasn’t quite right.

He could just be a man who is after sex and now he’s got it he’ll chase after someone else but I’m going with the other reasons first.

Thanks @NervesOfCotton. I think the "early night" was definitely a brush off. If I do hear from him again, I'll post on here to get opinions. It's just annoying having time wasted!

I think so, Healingsfall. I've said it myself when I want a man to leave me alone... But of course it could be as IAm16StoneHalloween2024 says as well.

@IIAm16StoneHalloween2024 yeah I can see that point of view. The kisses were mutually really good though as we spoke about it, and the sex was good for a first time which we both said it was (although men are such bloody liars he could have just been saying that). But there was definitely chemistry there with the kissing.

Oh I don't know, this bloody dating thing is so hard! I am happily single and thought I'd give it a chance 🫤

@Healingsfall Here is a quote from @ElleintheWoods earlier, this is the sort of thing I mean…

”Things were heading beyond the ‘kissing when saying goodbye’ territory and suddenly I realised I didn’t fancy going there. He’s attractive but when kissing someone, I’d expect to get lost in the moment and not want the kissing to end - with him it was certainly ‘ok I just want to go now, bye’. And I’m not really sure why - maybe because I was interested in someone else.”

And then she says she’s ‘oddly pleased’ that he texted again. Our brains and bodies do weird things to us. Sometimes we are the ones saying no but then sometimes we are the ones receiving the ‘no’.

But as a final thought, did you have a good time on the dates, did you have a good time in bed (or on the sofa/kitchen worktop/wherever 😆) and was it overall a good interaction? If so, you’re a winner. It might not last beyond what you’ve already had but that’s okay. Onwards and upwards!

Well I just resubscribed to match and looked at his profile and it says "online less than 24 hours ago" so there you go. Wasn't so tired after all. Next.

Sorry Healingsfall. What a twat, horrible way to treat you. Block him & move on.

I'm not gonna block him yet, I'm curious how long, if at all he'll take to message me as though he thinks I'm stupid!

Oh ☹️ that’s a shame.

But try to focus on the ‘I enjoyed myself’ part.

You definitely dodged a bad one there. Just remember its him and not you!

Just come back from my second date. This is how I felt ( this was quoted a few up in the thread)

@ElleintheWoods earlier, this is the sort of thing I mean…

”Things were heading beyond the ‘kissing when saying goodbye’ territory and suddenly I realised I didn’t fancy going there. He’s attractive but when kissing someone, I’d expect to get lost in the moment and not want the kissing to end - with him it was certainly ‘ok I just want to go now, bye’. And I’m not really sure why - maybe because I was interested in someone else.”

I just weren't feeling it. The banter was not following. I feel he's too uptight. Some of the stuff he said i was like what on earth. I gave the kiss a go. He seemed to be enjoying it but like above said I was thinking I'm done now bye. He has invited me round to watch a film tomorrow. Clearly know what that is code for lol!
I need to break it to him that I'm not feeling it. How do I do it in a sensitive way?

My advice would be just to be upfront, thanks for the date but I'm not feeling it. I'd rather this than the fannying about after thinking it's all OK then the gentle non texting blow after. Just be upfront 🙂