Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@ElleintheWoods Up until recently my age range on dating apps started at 25, so I was matching with men in their 20s and going on dates with some of them.

But where I really notice my attraction to younger men is on nights out / at festivals because the men I get chatting to are almost always really young - even the ones who look 30+ end up being 24! It's like I'm subconsciously attracted to young male pheromones or something 😂

I'm definitely quite 'visual' for a woman, as in I am attracted to looks and have never really pursued anyone who isn't conventionally attractive. I find men take care of themselves far less than women do such that most guys I match with who are over 37 (my age range goes up to 42 now) look a lot older, and certainly older than their female counterparts.

The other thing is the twentysomething pool is just that much bigger, so the hot, funny, charming men haven't all been snapped up yet. The thirtysomething men who chat you up at a rave are naturally less likely to be highly desirable so you're drawn to the youngsters instead.

I'm glad it's going well - 7 months is well and truly official in my books, so congrats!

I actually saw the 'fuck the spark' clip from this podcast on instagram just as I was wondering whether or not to go on a third date with Mr HK. This clip plus the advice from this thread persuaded me to go ahead with a third date which went well and I am keen to go on further dates when he's back from holiday. Right timing. ☺️

I’m in a similar situation @RadiantRainbow i would say I knew the day I met him. But I would describe it as connection more than spark. Similar personalities and feeling comfortable straight away. I found learning about attachment really helpful too. The biggest thing for me was not to rush and just enjoy. open.spotify.com/episode/1Xxofvu8OSvqRsE0gDlJIP?si=loRMf80wQeeBdeOp2-Kdjg

Thanks for posting about the "fuck the spark" thing. I watched it and was quite interesting. I guess we are looking for that instant dopamine hit of connection and spark but sometimes slow burners work out better.
The guy I mentioned previously has just asked me out for a second date. We had a meal last time and it was a bit intense.
Does anyone have any ideas for a good second date? Would be in the evening

Perhaps bar hopping? I like to meet somewhere cosy and darkish but busy. Then after one drink, a walk to get a bit of fresh air and clear my head. I like walking and talking. On to perhaps another bar. I try not to drink too much to keep a clearish head.

This.

So I'm chatting to another guy while Mr HK is on holiday, and we have a date planned for Tuesday. We don't have much in common 'on paper', and conversation over text has been slow. But he seems nice enough, and it's been drilled in to me that OLD is a numbers game, so I feel I've gotta give it a go.

I've also downloaded Tinder as I seem to have run out of men on Hinge based on my filters, and I'm chatting to a man on there. He's going away for a week so it will be a while before we can meet if we're even still chatting by then.

Just as I typed that message Tinder guy asked for my number so that he can WhatsApp me to arrange the date when he's back. I guess he was worried I'd unmatch him within the week?! I know things move fast with OLD, but I would never just unmatch someone I had made loose plans to go on a date with. Do people do this?!

Hi everyone, you probably have forgotten about me because I disappeared from this thread 6 month ago.

Just popping up to give an update: I met a lovely man on OLD and things have been going well (which is why I disappeared! 😂). He used to moonlight here as Mr Modern, but given the new development, I think it's apt to rename him by his initials, so he will now be known as Mr TKMaxx 😂

We had our hiccup - a massive row 3 months in, but decided to give it another chance. I think my biggest surprise is how much people can improve when they are in love. But I don't think love conquers all. Rather, there were signs when we first met that he is this lovely person at the core, only scarred by previous experience and hence quite defensive at first.

I was also fortunate to have a therapist, recruited to help with anxiety, but ended up being my relationship counsellor. Here are the tips I got from her:

1. Try to meet his family and friends before you become serious. Meeting the parents is extremely important. This is where he comes from, once you meet them, his behaviours will start to make sense.
2. In the same vein, introduce him to friends and family for a second opinion.
3. Don't have expectations of how things should play out because once we have it in our head, any other alternative will be disappointing. Instead, observe his actions. If he does something you are unhappy about, see if he repeats it in the future.

I've just attended weddings of 2 couples who met on OLD, and a colleague also met his wife there. So just to balance the view here, there are people happy with OLD, it's just that they probably never feel the need to vent on Mumsnet.

Just a little update from me, probably I'll do another one in 6 months time if Mr TKmaxx and I are still together. Good luck all 😊

Was the fall out a red flag in your opinion? Hopefully it works out

We have arranged for crazy golf in the city so will prob have a few drinks. I think he was also nervous on the 1st date and hoping he loosens up this time. He's really nice but I just need so humour too

Keep getting messages from Bumble saying I can have ABC membership for half price for a week or something like that.
Latest this morning saying 177 people like me....of which 4 are near-by!!
I have my filters set for 16miles
Swipe on 4 or 5 profiles a day yet hardly ever match.
About to travel 150 miles to see relatives over Christmas....expect to hoover up plenty of fruitless additional profiles over the holiday.
I do find these apps hard work!

@Okigen - interested to hear what is the age range of the couples that met on OLD and your age range?

I remember you @Okigen !

I disappeared from the thread and returned recently too (though not because I met someone, but because life was too hectic to even be looking).

Congrats, hope it goes well with Mr Modern!

Hope it goes well. I guess he's keen if he's nervous so perhaps a good sign? But confidence and humour are very attractive that's the problem perhaps for nice guys.

@Christmassprinkles123 It was something worth a proper discussion but not to the point we need to break up. In hindsight it was blessing in disguise, in our argument we exchanged a lot of important information about our backgrounds, so I think we are now more open and understanding.

@occhiazzurri I'm mid 30 and mr TKMaxx is mid 40. The other 3 couples met when the women were late 20s and the men a few years older.

@Crushed23 I remember you too! Let us know how things go with Mr Tinder! I remember you were aiming for some career progress, did it go well?

@Okigen - that makes sense, if you are in your late 20s, more than fifty % of men are still single and OLD is probably not too dissimilar to meeting in a bar. I now know two couples in their late 20s who also met on OLD.

I am also intrigued that you are prepared to date someone my age when you are mid 30s. My early to mid 30s friends are not prepared to date anyone over 40, and my two single 40-41 friends are actually getting married to men in their early to mid 30s (met in real life though not on OLD). They weren’t prepared to date anyone who’s already got kids and found the 40s men not in peak physical shape to be fathers at that age.

@occhiazzurri ah, may be because I live in London and there are a lot of single men in their 40s here, many of whom are in good shape so it's not a big concern. Mr TKMaxx is fairly fit and goes to the gym regularly.

@Okigen - I (and my friends) also live in London and I have yet to meet a fit mid-40 man in my gym classes, everyone in my gym classes is in their 20s with a splash of mid to late 30s so you have clearly found a unicorn. Even at work (male dominated field) very few men over the age of 40 could be considered gym fit.

If you actually want to have kids, how do you feel about a 50-year old running after a toddler?

Thanks @Okigen

Yes, the career thing worked out and I landed the dream job in my dream city (was sad to leave London though!)

I'm still figuring out the dating scene here and the 'rules'. Like I have been on 3 dates with Mr HK (met on Hinge) and we've kissed but things are not remotely flirty over text and I have no idea when we'll sleep together, but I'm hoping it's soon so I know if there's sexual chemistry or not. I don't know if that's just him or a factor of the dating scene here vs London. I would typically try to sleep with a guy by the 3rd of 4th date if I like him and things are going well. Friends in London say the same.

Trying to keep the 'he probably doesn't fancy me' thoughts at bay 😅

Age is just a number of course, and I'm sure things will work out with Mr Modern - it sounds like a mature relationship and you're already having difficult conversations etc.

However my OLD age filter goes up to 42 and I typically match with men up to 37. Part of that is because I place a lot of value on fitness and self care (and this seems to drop off for men from late 30s?!) but also to @occhiazzurri 's point, I personally wouldn't want to have a baby with someone much older.

Mr HK and Mr Tinder are both 34 (to my 35).

@Crushed23 - I completely agree age is a number and I have a couple of examples of age gap relationships where the couples have been or were together 15 years, all met in real life, but a few of those didn’t last as the men got to their 60s and the 40s women wanted more excitement and were at the peak of their career. The ones that are still together the women are leading a more independent life.

I think my friends were influenced by John Birger’s book “Make Your Move” regarding dating someone younger and some studies (not sure how or if at all accurate) that male fertility also declines after 40 so they went for someone younger and more fit. Let’s see whether those marriages last!

In all honesty, I would love to find a boyfriend in the 25-30 age bracket because I feel so young for my age and want someone who's going to keep me on my toes and inspire me to be my best self physically and mentally. Younger men also go 'all in' and are less jaded, which I kinda need because I'm so cautious and cynical.

However most aren't interested in a serious relationship with a 35 year-old, so I've got to be realistic and cast my net wider.

Age is nothing but a number is the favourite line of the septuagenarians that message me and my 50 something friends on OLD 🤣

@Crushed23 Oooooh congrats on getting your dream job. It's such an excitement moving to new city. I have a friend moving to Zurich and he did say the dating scene is so remarkably different from London!

Re children, Mr Modern (or rather now Mr TKMaxx!) and I are both undecided. Mr TkMaxx is indeed a bit concerned about his age, although personally I find him more energetic than most 30-somethings I dated. In my younger days I would probably have crossed him out due to his age. But these days I'm much more chilled and think I would be fine with or without children. (Think I also mentioned egg freezing to you a couple of years back? That may give me some chance if my fertility fails in the next few years, although I am aware it's not a guarantee).