Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I am open to seeing him again perhaps on a more active date. However I'm not sure if he's keen. I said about seeing each other again and he said ill have to see when I'm free and we can go from there.

Is it normal not to kiss on a first date?

Christmassprinkles123 I've only had a handful of first dates but it's normal for me not to kiss on a first date, yes. The ones that did were too forceful, not nice kisses, so I've not had the best experience with this!

I had one first date that lasted the entire evening & then we sat in his car for half an hour. I was desperate for him to kiss me but wasn't brave enough to kiss him & it didn't happen. I wrote about it on here, I was so frustrated

I wouldn't like the 'I'll have to see when I'm free' comment. Personally I've said that myself when I didn't want to see them again (& them told them this over text later)

He may have meant it genuinely in your case though!

He did lean in a bit when he dropped me home but I panicked and pretty much jumped out the car 😂 then he offered to walk me to my door and I said no that's fine. He probably thought he was being rejected!

Yea i thought it read that way too. I sent it to my sister and she said the same thing. I do have a DS who I have 50/50 and he has only certain time off work not a standard weekend so he could actually mean I'll see when I'm next free.

I did that with my ex at the end of our first date. I just wasn't expecting a kiss & panicked! We were standing at my door so I just kind of shook my head & stepped back.

Yes it could have been a genuine thing.

Im nearly 60 and only ever kissed a couple of men on the first date so yea it’s entirely normal. I think sometimes there’s an expectation you’re supposed to kiss someone to prove the date gone well so it’s not always done for genuine reasons.

His choice of words might just be a bit clumsy. It’s a really busy time of year but he’d have been better saying g ‘let’s see when we’re both free and go from there’ rather than it being about him.

How do you feel this morning? Do you think you’re interested in seeing him again?

Decided to hire the bullet and give OLD another go.
Joined FB dating first of all and I’ll look at other sites later.

First message ‘wow u look sexy and I bet your a rite handful’

Second message I didn’t even read as he’s 76 and looks like a gnome.

Sigh - who said this was fun 🤣

@TwistedWonder

I feel for ya, it never changes.

I have closed them all down

Still chatting to a few off the apps,incl, Mr Ravish, lol, who I can assure you , is a perfect Gent , I did ask him about that when we met in person, and he said it was just a joke, and he hadn't even had a date, since we were last in contact .

But can't see them going anywhere

I think it would be good to go on another date and do something that takes the intensity out of the date. Just see how it goes from there.

We have been texting a bit today, I'm not 100% sure if he wants a second date. He says he does but I know all too well from OLD that you can easily be ghosted.

Seriously I’ve already had a ‘I’m married but discreet’ message - nothing changes with OLD. It’s still grim

Men aren’t really safe to cross into that territory without getting blocked though!

Drop a hint or 2 or say something flirty if that’s somewhere where you want to go 😇

Hmmm yes I think you’ve sent a pretty clear ‘I’m not keen’ signal here! If someone told me ‘no thanks’ in this situation I’m not sure if I’d even text them again!

I wouldn’t kiss on first date unless it’s someone I already know a while and have feelings for.

The comment about ‘see when you’re free’ may be just that at face value. Hard to organise a date around Christmas time without taking diaries out. If he is now talking about a second date, just bite, take it at face value and organise something - if you want to!

Something that I’ve noticed with guys is that if they hint and wanting to meet a couple of times and you don’t really say ‘sure, sounds good, when we’re you thinking’ or anything else that shows that you’re also interested, they assume you don’t want to see them again and won’t necessarily try again after a couple of times. Obviously some hint and some are more direct and concrete!

Yea i don't think i gave him the interested impression. I'm no good at this dating thing, I'm really shy and awkward.
Our text conversation is starting to run a bit dry now. Running out of things to say and no next date has been organised so unsure if a 2nd date will happen

Are you keen on him or not really bothered?

I can’t remember now, did you say this was your first date in a while?

I wouldn't say massively keen but I'm trying to do it differently. Usually I go all in and then they love bomb and it's not a healthy relationship.
However this morning I text saying morning hope he slept well and asked what time he was doing his activity today. He replied quickly but didn't ask if I'm OK, if I slept well, asked what I'm up to today. So I feel like there's nothing to carry the conversation on. Don't think he's really making an effort, whereas he was before our date

Hi. Just joining in if I may? Been on Tinder for about a month now after ending my marriage (together 32 years, no sex for 10)

Am taking it very lightly initially. Looking for some fun dates, snogging and sex atm if I'm honest. I'm 55 and have a fwb style match with a 34 year old, a 47 year old sexting me which I'm enjoying and had a couple of dates last week with a very fit guy my age which ended in sex. Not heard from him since though but not too bothered as he was a bit out of my league really 😉

Haha, it just sounds like I’m here to make excuses for guys! But not everyone has good/ polite conversation skills/ sees conversation the same way.

Eg you don’t necessarily need to be asked a question to reply, right?

Obviously it’s nice for someone to take (a genuine) interest in you. But for example for me it might be normal to ask them questions about something specific for maybe 10 messages and then there might be a switch and we talk about me for a long while. Well actually usually there’s an awful lot of talking about me sometimes, they just keep asking, and maybe that’s where I go wrong 🙈

However overall it doesn’t sound like you’re hugely excited about this guy now!!

@ElleintheWoods I think that women actually like a bad boy
This is quite an interesting analysis of the male and female assessment of potential partners

Don't think in terms of 'leagues'! If someone asks you out, just enjoy the date, the sex etc. The chances of them thinking they're out of your league and doing you a favour are minimal. And the ones who do think like that are by definition not out of your league because they're horrible snobs and who wants to date one of those?!

Just to add, congrats on the match with the 34 year-old. I have a penchant for younger guys (I'm 35, and I'm drawn to men in their 20s like a moth to a flame...). It's great to read on MN that women continue to get interest from younger men into their 50s and 60s, because I imagine I will always be attracted to an age gap!

I’m 59 and get lots of messages from men aged 40 and younger!

I have absolutely no interest in an age gap relationship or a hook up so they just get defeated but even in the 24 hours I’ve been back on apps, I’ve had more interest from men young enough to be my son than those my own age

I'm actually very fond of my 34 year old. He's sweet and keen, texts me all the time. Has a great body and no worries about getting hard. I'm not expecting to hear from the guy my age as he couldn't get very hard, is this normal? He is on anti depressants and i think perhaps steroids as he was very built. All new to me after having had sex with only one man for the past 32 years.

How are you finding seeing these younger guys? I’m thinking of dabbling but… I don’t know, something puts me off! Maybe the thought that they want to be dads and that’s unlikely with someone older (I’m same age as you) or just imagine they live quite different lifestyles.

Prior to now, at any age, a man in their 20s would have never interested me! But I’m starting to see some appeal

Haha. It was quite entertaining! A bit dubious but made sense at some level, too.

I still can’t wrap my head around it though… As a man, are looks and personality really more important than anything? I just don’t think I’ve ever bonded with men on that basis, it’s always been the ‘cabinet’ (=interests).

What I’ve learned is that I’ve got to get rid of all the men blowing up my phone and somehow become better-looking and nicer, basically 😂

In the video the ‘bad boy’ traits seemed to be good-looking and powerful. IRL though I’d say women would class bad boy traits as being unreliable, noncommittal, moody, trauma, poor behaviour, lack of professional prospects, borderline criminal record, sleeping around, unstable etc. A little bit like what men would class as ‘crazy’. Someone with issues who is hot but a bad idea long-term basically. Not Christian Grey, or another hot CEO type.

Anyone else struggle with flirting. I think I'm scared that if I flirt then this will give the wrong impression because let's be honest men will use any slight thing to then think you want to jump into bed.
Tbh the guy I'm speaking to has not been sexual to me once which is good but I want him to know that I'm interested in more of a polite chat level. I'm so not good at this dating stuff

Hi everyone, I had been on here before and am in the 7th month of dating the guy I met on Hinge, we are unexpectedly still long distance but it’s going well.
Listened to this podcast the other day and found it really valuable (I imagine it’s on all podcast platforms but sharing the YouTube link)
I think “fuck the spark” chapter would be useful for some of us. (I didn’t have the spark with my boyfriend straight away, just found his company nice/warm…only after we kissed…eventually, I was like Wow, I actually am happy to take things further 😉)