Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Hi everyone, I'm new to the thread. Finished with ex 2 months ago. I felt more friend feelings. We had been together 4 years this month. Anyway in my mind I had checked out a year ago or so. So I don't feel upset by the breakup.

I joined all the OLD sites. I didn't match with many people and when I did the conversation did not flow. Last week I joined FB dating and a guy came up who I actually knew. I won't say how as it would be outing. But last time I saw him was quite a few years ago and it was only a few brief chats here and there. We matched and have been talking ever since. We have arranged a date for tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I really hope this goes well as my track record with relationships have been extremely poor.
Like others have said I usually discount the nice guy and I go after Mr unavailable or Mr I'm going to play with your feelings. Not good guys.
This current guy texts me and apologies if he knows he can't text me for a while and reassures me he isn't ignoring me and will reply later/in a bit. No guy has ever done this before. I've just been left on read thinking they are not interested.
Tomorrow will show if there is a sharp. I think thrtr will be as I find him attractive.

Wish me luck

Good luck @Christmassprinkles123 !

I too am trying to give the nice, available guys a chance.

I can also relate to checking out of a relationship - I cried hot, angry tears about the state of my relationship with exDP while on a solo trip and knew in my heart that it was not the right relationship for me. However it didn't actually end for another 13 months! Then it took me ages to feel ready to start dating again. At least you were able to get over your ex quickly and you're out there dating straight away.

Best of luck and keep us posted.

Can someone please explain why the ‘nice guys’ are often discounted for the bad guys?

I genuinely don’t get it!

@Jojo855 - I think there's often more of a spark & chemistry with the less emotionally available men!

I'm giving it a go with a guy with whom there is less chemistry, but he is an emotionally available, reliable, respectful, kind & thoughtful guy. So far so good but I did struggle in the beginning.

I’m female and don’t get it either. Why do women go for wronguns? . I never have., I’ve always gone for polite, respectful good guys.

Though now in my 50’s it’s quite embarrassing the men my age who act like fuck boys and players.

I did psychology at uni and have been through so many years of counselling myself so I know why I go for these awful men. I'm repeating what I've witnessed growing up between my parents. It feels normal and comfortable. I mistook it for love this push/pull. When it's actually very unhealthy.

Just forgot to add i have a slight doubt in my mind and it's the job he's in. Think emergency services who have a bad rep. However he doesn't work nights and his job doesn't seem to be the front line. So could be ok.

The unavailable men are not necessarily horrible men, they're just not boyfriend material for one reason or another.

I fell head over heels for a 21 year-old over the summer, when I was 34. He was respectful, charming and generally thoroughly decent. But we were at different life stages, lived in opposite ends of the country and I was about to emigrate anyway, so it was a non-starter as a relationship.

We can't help who we fancy. This fling blindsided me - I would never have thought I would fall so hard for someone so young. I still think about him but it's getting better.

Lots of complex reasons.

But mainly I feel like I can’t trust the nice guys, seems like a facade. Also, if someone is readily available, it’s not a challenge. As women we are constantly presented with lots of choice and you feel like you’re taking the easy option picking what’s available. I want to feel like I’ve hand-picked a man and worked hard to get him.

Sad, I know.

That's a good point, lots of so-called nice guys are not nice at all. The last 'nice guy' I came across was an embittered incel who thought he was doing me a favour by showing interest in me because I'm mid-30s and therefore must be desperate. He actually used the words "biological clock". 😂 He was stingy AF too, which is a complete no-no for me.

Sorry meant to reply to @ElleintheWoods

Indeed. When someone is saying and doing all the right things, I tend to think it’s an act or learned behaviour, not real. I also do know guys who act all nice but dig a bit deeper and they have a clear agenda, they just ‘know how to treat women’. Guys who are really charming and straightforward, I don’t trust them as my experience is that they are players and act like that with every woman without a 2nd thought. Also, is there such a thing as a ‘pick me guy’? 😋

If someone says ‘hey, actually I have some issues and might not be a great partner, I don’t know what you see in me anyway’, that strikes me as a little more self aware and real. If someone shows their real self and their insecurities and shortfalls, that’s genuine to me and tends to draw me in.

Bad rep because of working hours, overtime and the things they see, right? And perhaps getting up to no good with colleagues?

Think about the flip side though. This is someone that has chosen helping other people as they’re calling in life. Surely that implies many positive traits?

When I was splitting from my ex, the girls at work said that I should date someone from that circle as ‘they are some of the nicest, most selfless guys they know’. Long hours and issues did get a mention as well though.

Yea it's mostly the going off with colleagues that I've mainly heard. However his job seems to be more admin, speaking to people, liaising with the public sector etc and he doesn't do night shifts.

He does come across as quite selfless and kind.

There seems to have been a lull in our conversation. We do have a date tomorrow night. He sent me a voice note and I sent one back and then after that I feel the chat has been more strained. Maybe it's just in my head I don't know. He's last message was quite short and had nothing that I could reply to really saying he was going to bed.

I've only gone for one obvious 'bad boy'. I was 26, my dad had just died, my mum was falling apart, I was living in a tiny studio flat with no heating & it was freezing, working 6 days a week, then to see my mum, then home to cry or to the pub in the evenings (I wasn't in the right headspace to be dating!)

He walked into the pub one day & swept me off my feet... I knew that he was wrong for me. I knew that if my dad were alive he'd have all but chained me to my house to stop me dating him... But I did it anyway. & I still got hurt. Taylor swift 'I knew you were trouble' always reminds me of him.

The others have been 'Nice, respectable guys' on the surface but not so nice underneath.

Christmassprinkles123 I hope that your date goes well tonight! What are you doing?

I’ve obviously been very lucky with my nice guys as I’ve never dated anyone who was ‘fake’ nice.

My ex H is a very genuine man who I was with for 27 years. Prior to him I’d had a couple of relationships with decent guys

So becoming single at 50 and seeing how many wronguns are out there was a real eye opener. I still won’t touch one of those types with a barge pole. I think it’s embarrassing for men old enough to be grandfathers to still act like fuck boys and players - grow up ffs.

Id honestly rather be single forever than go near a so called bad boy

@Christmassprinkles123 I think it's fine to go quiet with messaging if a date is planned. I'm not big on endless messaging so I'll often just send a text on the day like "are we still on for later today?" to confirm but not much else.

I think it can be difficult to weed out the bad boys who are pretending to be nice. I got unceremoniously dumped last year after 6 months - he was not an obvious player, or charming etc , but just not looking for a long term relationship with me. I think there's lots out there like him, quite happy to have regular sex for 3-6 months, under the pretence of wanting a relationship- then run for the hills once you are invested.

TwistedWonder Before I started OLD, I used to firmly believe that if I went for an older man (oldest I've spoken to being 55) Then he'd be much more respectable. How wrong was I!

I actually overheard 2 elderly men on the bus the other day. One of them was saying hello to a girl of around 2 & said to the other 'I love babies & young kids, don't you?' The other one says 'I do, but I love the young mothers more. Mmm' Followed by a grunting noise from the other.

May I join you guys?

I'm still fairly new to dating after separating from my husband (I was the one to leave). Have had dates from bumble and hinge,four men that seemed nice but I didn't fancy so didn't take any further, one incredibly sleazy second date that now makes a funny story to tell, and one bad experience that made me realise I may not be ready to date seriously. With the last one had amazing conversations and connection when we met, thought he was something special, only to be dumped after we slept together which really stung more than it should have done.

I would still like to have some companionship (and sex too which was non-existent in my marriage for the last 5-6 years) and date, but nothing too serious, so put a profile on Feeld.. that ended up being quite overwhelming, over 500 likes in less than 24 hours and didn't even post any revealing pictures, had to pause my profile there. Guess just goes to show how many men would be happy with FWB sort of arrangement or casual dating..

Talking to one man from Feeld now who seems nice, will hopefully meet him early next week.

Thank you, we are going for a meal near mine. He said perhaps somewhere local. I hope he isn't expecting to go back to mine after because that definitely is not happening.
I hope this guy isn't a "fake" nice. Like i said I do know him and the friends he hangs around with but I don't know him incredibly well. I know he had a long term relationship and I know his ex but not in a friendly way. So he seems good and I can't see any red flags so far. Fingers crossed for tonight. I'm nervous! First date in 4 years!

Ooh Christmassprinkles123 how exiting! I hope you aren't too nervous, it will be ok

So mine aren't necessarily 'bad boys' but in a way... Hear me out.

I've dated 2 guys who have been 'nice guys' - forward in their intentions, organising romantic evenings, compliments, very regular contact/calls, flowers, organising proper dates. Both didn't last long through as one romanced and slept with someone else... The other lasted 3 months. Everything with him was so perfect even though I wasn't crazy about him first... He was an actor. So I genuinely sometimes wonder whether he was playing a scene whenever he was with me! All this kissing in scenic places etc.

Guys I have had much better, long-lasting relationships with, have been a little bit... Difficult. Not really acting very keen, not making much effort, leaving it to me to decide what we should do, basically making me do lots of running and showing little commitment. No flowers, presents, surprises, grand gestures, expression of feelings.

Now, these guys have been reliable as hell, have been really hurt when we've broken up, and still regularly check in with me, make sure I'm doing well and would probably not treat anyone that hurt me very kindly. Haven't gotten into another LTR after we broke up and say they regret losing me.

Probably more to it on other fronts, but generally my experience with keen, intentional guys hasn't been good. Also some of them are so nice they annoy me, there's just no challenge. So I don't trust 'nice'. I think if they are like this with me and if getting women to trust them comes easy to them, they'll act the same with anyone else.

However... Recently I'd really like both combined in one package, really. I just don't want to be with someone that doesn't regularly tell me I'm beautiful nor worship the ground I walk on anymore (or well, they do, but hide it away until they're about to lose me). I want someone who is a genuine guy, not chatting up anything that moves, and falls in love carefully and deeply, but also has that passionate and outgoing side.

I'm now quite open about being somewhat high maintenance when meeting guys (not in terms of wanting to be a kept woman, but being open about how I like to dress, hobbies/ interests, amount of contact/attention etc) as previously I've tried to seem someone simpler and more down to earth and low maintenance, and that's really not the real me. I'm and orchid and I think I need to be honest about it to end up with someone who fits! 😂😇

Mr HK and I have been messaging once a day while he's on holiday which is nice. But it's safe chat about our day etc. I really want it to be a bit more flirty but I don't know how to do that. I don't mean sexting, but just something that hints at the fact we've had 3 good dates, we've kissed and we'll likely be having sex soon (I hope so anyway).

We're both so passive we're actually in danger of friend zoning each other 😭

Had the date tonight. I'm not sure. We spoke non stop which was good but I feel like his sense of humour is quite straight and lacking. Perhaps it was nerves. However he did ask me a very awkward question and it threw me and I'm put off. We were discussing my sons allergy and he then asked me if I breastfed. I feel like that's quite a personal question.
He did lean in to kiss me and offer to walk me to my door but I panicked and jumped out the car and said no that's ok thanks.
I'm just not sure on him

Christmassprinkles123 Ooh that's a weird question isn't it. I suppose I can see why he asked it, but still, it's weird! I'm glad that it wasn't a total disaster though. How do you feel about seeing him again?