Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Crushed23 are you set on dating only one person at any given time? If so then yes, it's a bit tricky. But if you're not even kissing, it's not like you are really crossing into relationship territory, so why not just expand your options without a time factor?

I'm not seeing anyone now but open again.

So went on a few dates with the suitable guy, then pulled away. Then we got closer again maybe a month later, went out a few more times but more as friends, then he made it clear he was interested, we went on day trips, helped each other with some important life things. Then he tried to escalate things in the nicest possible way and suddenly I was 'busy'.

I was 'busy' as my attention was now drawn to the less suitable guy... Who was hot as hell and lovely enough, but hot and cold, had a disastrous first date with him, lots of smoking and drinking... Great guy but very different people and probably not compatible and I should have seen it a mile off. Was I drawn to him because he was less available? Yes I think that's highly likely.

So in hindsight I wish I'd given guy 1 more of a chance. We did kiss a few weeks ago but truly think this ship has sailed.

Passion and excitement are great and they are necessary, but sometimes if we have certain behaviour patterns, we don't allow ourselves to feel passion and excitement with people that seem 'perfectly nice'. I do find myself getting emotionally involved with guys who are not a good idea, and only giving nice, consistent, suitable guys a chance if they stick around long enough. I like a challenge but actually relationships shouldn't feel like challenges.

Also bear in mind later in life we become pickier as we remember things from past relationships, such as 'he did not share my hobbies and it did not work'. Again, one hast to distinguish between what's a real deal breaker and what's a minor inconvenience, as nobody's a perfect match.

So maybe think about whether you've seen similar behaviours in yourself? And is it worth creating a dating style for yourself that actually allows giving suitable guys a chance?

So, went on bumble to delete everything, who do I come across whilst having a nosey. Mr Local, with an updated profile still looking for long term relationship. I feel so naive! So angry with myself for being upset about it and questioning what he said - was any of it true? Did he really stop seeing other people? I’ll never know, but makes me question how well equipped I am at spotting someone genuine and decent. Think I need to go by referrals in the future!

@Crushed23 try reading that book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Eye opening at least

LittleFloatingGhost Oh that sucks. I'm so sorry. What a twat.
Seems to be such a common thing for them to do too, isn't it. Sending hugs

Sending lots of virtual hugs! I know it is not a great solace in this situation but this is way too common. Probably best not to dwell on this, so many people lie that it is not worth wasting your time.

🤗 Hugs.

Hun, you can’t spot genuine decent. Nobody really is ‘genuine decent’, everyone has their shortcomings and temptations. I know it’s not going to show me in the best light, but there’s men I know that are in happy marriages/ trying to get back together with someone they supposedly think is worth fighting for/ in a seemingly good LTR, and they’ll randomly text me things like ‘I still can’t stop thinking about you all these years later’ or worse.

You can never completely know someone, letting someone into your life is always a gamble. There’s no way you can read them fully after a few dates/ months/ possibly even years.

So don’t blame yourself for not spotting it, it would genuinely require superhuman skill.

Also, think of it another way. You broke up a little while ago didn’t you? So even if he’s broken up about it, most people’s thinking is ‘well the best way to move on is to get back in the saddle’. Right?

And the ‘looking for LTR’ thing. It’s just what’s socially acceptable to put. He’s hardly going to put ‘looking for a casual hookup’, right? Very few men are honest like that, and let’s be honest, to attract a wider range of nice people, that’s just what people put on there. ‘I don’t know what I’m looking for’ drastically reduces what you catch, although that would be true for most people on there.

If it helps… I created a bumble profile in spring to see what’s out there. They give you your ‘best matches’. Guess who showed up as my ideal match according to the algorithm? Yup you’ve guessed it, the bloke that had just ended things with me 😂

Since they've added 'Intimacy without commitment' on Bumble, seems like 90% of men are looking for that... At least they are being honest I suppose.

@ElleintheWoods yes, six weeks ago today. I just accepted everything on face value that he wasn’t ready, generally. So that’s what did it. It is what it is, I definitely fell deep and quickly - the first time ever and definitely over thought and replayed everything. Haven’t taken it well, but not gone mental and messaged him.

But, I have been in that mindset before of just get on it again, but I’m past that now.

Everything you have written I agree with, even @NervesOfCotton!

Obvs I leaned into feeling the pain, but next time I’ll just be ruthless and jump back in the saddle, so much easier to deal with 🤣🤣

Thanks for your clarity, was needed x

LittleFloatingGhost We just do what we need to do at the time, to get through it don't we. It's so hard isn't it! Apparently there are decent ones out there... But where

@LittleFloatingGhost So I’ve actually done a really toxic thing. I’ve created a dating profile to distract from Mr WorkCrush. I’ll be totally honest, i really don’t intend to go on any dates. Just want the validation of loads of men swiping right and some flirting. And well, maybe someone will change my mind and I will go on an actual date.

I don’t think I’m the only person in the world that jumps on there for validation and thus I don’t think OLD is the best way to genuinely meet someone.

I do feel like a fair few men on there are quite lonely/shy/scarred though and want to talk about their interests, beliefs, thoughts, get the attention. Some really interesting conversations and some insecurities and past bruises coming to light quite quickly.

I’m not really getting the feeling that those men are under much of an illusion of finding love on there though.

Like I’ve said before I don’t know what the answer is. Just feel like disposability in general is a big issue in the modern world and people view relationships much the same like fast fashion or fast food, online or IRL. I just hope IRL some of the ‘anti-disposability’ people still exist.

@LittleFloatingGhost - sending love your way. It’s always a shock when we see someone we’ve dated on the apps looking for the next one.

And just because he’s saying he’s looking for a LTR doesn’t mean he’s really in the right place. He could just be off of those men who jumps from one short term thing to the next constant chasing something. Honestly it’s not you so please don’t let this one give you doubts.

Yes, we do. It’s definitely the right thing for me to step back from dating online or real life, BUT I am seeing sooo many attractive men now I’m taking this stance. No idea if they’re available, interested, suitable or whatever, literally driving down the road and a landscape gardener was by his van, 🤤🤣 Appreciate eye candy!

Fortunately you are self aware and know exactly why you’re doing it. I’ll need some of that at some point!

Thank you, you’re right. Definitely taken a bruising which I wasn’t expecting at all. I’ll get over him, it and the plans we spoke about. It’s all bullshit until it happens, right?!

So, I’ll just keep 2025 for me and see what 2026 has in store, or a little earlier if I’m feeling it.

LittleFloatingGhost Nothing wrong with a bit of eye candy 👍

@ElleintheWoods No I do multi-date during the first few dates with anyone. Actually heading to a first date now, but not getting hopes up because he was so unbelievably passive/low effort in arranging this date. First he suggested a walk which I HATE as a date idea, then suggested a bar that's miles away from both of us which I immediately vetoed, and finally he picked somewhere closer (although much closer to him...).

Why are so many men useless at organising a date? That's the easy bit. Just pick somewhere half decent that's convenient for both parties. Why complicate it.

Anyway, I'm giving him a chance and going for an afternoon drink. Can't get drunk as I've got the indoor climbing date this evening with Mr HK. 😅

Christ, I'm here and it's a tiny and very packed place. If he suggests going out into the cold and walking around looking for somewhere else, I'm leaving.

@Crushed23 good luck with your date!!! Let us know how it goes.

I know what you mean. I think men sometimes overcomplicate it. I notice they sort of fall into 2 buckets, ones that are very seamless at it (‘How about place x at 7? I’ll book it’) and ones where the woman basically arranges it. Generally I find that the 2nd category lack In confidence a bit. Or try to guess what the woman might like, thinking they’re maybe high maintenance/ a bit out of their usual league.

I’ve fallen for bad date organisers in the past. However I’ve now realised i really want to be with a guy that isn’t so passive, takes charge a little and does things for me, too. It’ll get mentally exhausted to be in a relationship where whatever you want, you need to make it happen yourself.

Busy weekend for you!!

Crushed How was the rest of the date? & how was the next one too?

I actually love a walking date for a first date, but I have that written on my profile.

There's like an activity centre that's opened up here, you can do axe throwing etc, whenever I walk past it all you can hear is groups of people shouting/cheering & loud music. I've had this places suggested a few times for a first date, & whilst I don't want somewhere completely quiet for a first date, I do want to be able to hear the other person speak! But to others it seems to be their ideal.

ElleintheWoods I've had a lot of men say 'I leave it to the woman to decide because it's chivalrous! (Really annoys me when they say that)

I remember once painfully trying to organise a coffee date. He said that I could chose & anywhere would be good. I don't really go to coffee places day to day so I suggested Costa in town as it was near us both.
The man was really put off by this & said that we should go somewhere more 'Off the beaten track & less generic' (why tell me to chose then!)

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

I surprised at the number of people here expecting something that hasn't worked out so far to work the next time.

Don't like that men don't book a good location for a first date? Book it or suggest something yourself!

Don't like that a man has shown some physical interest on the second date? Perhaps he respects your personal boundaries, or perhaps just drop the rule and see how things go.

I've tried a few of these Lock & Key events, they just aren't for me. I'm not going to keep going to them and expect a different result.

The date in the afternoon was a complete waste of time. I made my excuses and left after ~45 minutes. We didn’t even have one drink because he said we should ‘wait for the server’ when there was clearly no table service. My throat was as dry as the chat. (This is one of the reasons I loathe walk dates - I can’t talk much without having a drink to sip.)

Date number 3 with Mr HK went well. The indoor climbing was fun and it meant we could spend time together sober. Also an opportunity to see each other in a casual and light environment - our first two dates were in the evening in dimly lit bars and restaurant. Also, I realised that there’s no better activity for checking out the other person physically than indoor climbing - we both take care of ourselves and I think it helped the attraction a bit doing something physical together. ☺️

Afterwards we went for drinks and had another great conversation. This time a little bit more personal. He told me he’s been seeing a therapist for a year (we’re in NYC so this is very common) and I wonder if it’s to do with the breakup and whether he’s even over that. I didn’t pry though.

So it seems like we’re still enjoying each other’s company and having fun. He’s going on holiday for 2 weeks - hopefully that won’t mean this fizzles out.

I like that things are going slow however something I am a bit worried about is whether we’re compatible sexually. I have a history of getting close to guys only to discover there’s no sexual chemistry. I don’t want to rush into sleeping with Mr HK but at the same time I don’t want to have another 5 dates with no sex. Not sure how to approach this - dress sexier on the next couple of dates? I can’t really suggest a date at my apartment as it’s small and not fully furnished yet! With exDP we started dating during Covid so were in each other’s apartments from the beginning, and sex came naturally after a couple of dates watching Netflix and cuddling on the sofa haha.

Crushed23 Great update, sounds like a lovely date all round, I'm glad that it went so well

Thanks @NervesOfCotton

He's on holiday now for 2 weeks so we won't see each other until the week after next, which gives me plenty of time to overthink everything and preempt all the ways he is going to disappoint me... 🙃

Crushed23 Absolutely
Have you got a date arranged for when he's back? I'm not really bumble-ing for now. Bored of it, so I'll just enjoy everybody else's antics!

@NervesOfCotton We haven't planned the next date, no. I'm going to leave him to suggest / organise something as I planned the indoor climbing date. Plus I don't want to mither him while he's on holiday (because I wouldn't like this, if it were me on holiday).

I need to engineer a way for one of the next couple of dates to end up at my or his apartment. Can't go too much further down this road without knowing if we're sexually compatible or not.

I noticed that he's overly cautious / respectful and basically doesn't flirt with me. So perhaps I've got the whole thing wrong and he's slowly friend zoning me. (Here comes the overthinking... 😂).