Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It's interesting as maybe some just don't know how to dress so to me, as long as someone looks relaxed, I'm happy. I also dressed nicely but comfortably when dating so no heels! For me, comfortable in own skin was key, however you dress

The guy that I'm dating just now (OLD) wasn't particularly well-dressed when we met & it did affect my attraction to him. He'd been in a 25-year relationship & I guess a bit too comfortable.

I beat myself up a bit about being so "superficial" but because he was everything I wanted on paper, I persevered.

He is open to change though & it's work in progress.

Hmmm I think that article is making a lot of leaps tbh. A man dressing well doesn’t automatically mean he’s attached, that’s absolutely ridiculous. I know quite a few single men who are always well presented. I think you’re either appearance conscious or not regardless of relationship status.

I’ve has a couple of dates where the guy has turned up looking like they’re thrown on the first thing they’ve found on their bedroom floor and it’s an instant ick for me.

I've had a few dates where dates are have dressed old-fashioned or bit scruffy and both were instant turn-offs. But then some dates where they've been dressed quite more relaxed than me (I dress quite classic/ smart casual) but it wasn't necessarily a turn off. I think there is a difference between the two, at least for me.

Hi everyone, rejoining the Dating thread.

I'm 35, I've been single for 14 months, and I'm generally hopeless (unlucky?) when it comes to dating and relationships. I either fall head over heels for someone wholly unsuitable or I get into a healthy relationship but fuck it up by losing attraction to the perfectly nice 'good on paper' type.

Anyway, I am trying desperately to break this habit. I had a first date 2 weeks ago with a guy from Hinge, let's call him Mr HK, who is a classic 'good on paper' type - same age as me, similar profession, similar lifestyle etc. It was a fun first date - we talked for 4 hours, all very nice. He was polite, engaged, paid for drinks and was generally a gentleman. However there was no spark.

Ordinarily I would leave things there. No spark = no second date. However given my track record with dating I know I have to change tack, so when he asked me out on a second date, I said yes.

Fast forward to Tuesday. Our second date. 10 days after the first date. We went for dinner - conversation flowed again, we had a good time, all perfectly pleasant. He picked up the bill again despite me repeatedly asking to split it (this was almost a mini argument lol). We talked about seeing each other again on Saturday (so soon because he goes on holiday for 2 weeks next week) and I don't know what to do...

On the one hand, I enjoy his company, and it might be good for me to go with the flow more. But on the other hand, I am not sure I fancy him and we're too old to be wasting each other's time. We're both looking for something serious and long term (according to our respective Hinge profiles....) not to lose 6 months on a dead end relationship.

I can't work out if I am sabotaging something before it's even had chance to get off the ground, or if it really isn't right for me and I should quickly move on.

I would welcome advice / perspectives. I have no idea what to do. ☹️

Sorry that was so long!

I tend to find if there is no flirting, subtle touching or a kiss or two after the second date , it probably isn't going anywhere. A kiss can light a spark even if there wasn't one before.

I would suggest an activity date eg bowling or something active as a next date and then reassess. Giving it another date or two isn’t really wasting your time as such if you are doing something fun.
also I wouldn’t wait ten days before the next date - you need momentum for a relationship to build.

@Jojo855 We briefly kissed when we hugged goodbye after the second date. Not a passionate, 'sparky' kiss, but it was pissing down with rain so even if we wanted to kiss passionately we couldn't!

@occhiazzurri I like the idea of an activity date. Any recommendations? We live in a major city so anything and everything is available in theory.

One thing to add that's a bit drip-feedy I suppose is that I have just moved to this city and he has lived here for 8 years. We're both expats but he's definitely settled here whereas I am not yet 100% sure I want to be here long term (loving it so far, but it's too soon to know if it will become my home, IYSWIM).

So maybe I'm subconsciously avoiding getting into a relationship while there's an element of uncertainty around where I want to settle.

Arghhhh why can't I just relax and see how it goes?! I am already preempting every possible way it could go wrong, but I suppose that's what a series of painful breakups does to a 35 year-old woman... ☹️

@Crushed23 could you try indoor crazy golf or bowling? If he’s a quieter personality it may bring a different aspect to just drinks. Plenty of people have married slow grow situations I’m sure. For me I had a few maybes and then met someone I was 100% sure about on the first date. But previous long term relationship was friendship based initially. I think it’s easier said than done but try to just enjoy if it’s meant to be it will work out!

@Crushed23 I am not so keen on activity dates, they just remind me of something you might do on a TV show to make things more interesting to a viewer. If there's something that allows you to talk then perhaps, such as a visit to an art gallery. It's cold and miserable so maybe opt for something indoors. If you are in London there's lots of great exhibitions on at the moment for Christmas.

@Crushed23 .... personally I probably wouldn't go on a third date if there isn't any spark though. It depends what you want really. I have a friend who met a guy OLD and felt he wasn't her intellectual equal, bit gauche, but she wanted someone to do things with and he fits that bill. People are in relationships for all sorts of reasons some people are just more honest about it.

I've just suggested indoor climbing. We're both into fitness and it's literally freezing here, so it feels like an appropriate indoor activity.
I take the point around picking an activity where we can talk @Rosiecidar but our first two dates we talked for 4+ hours, so I feel like we should be fine doing a date where we don't talk a lot.

I think ultimately I want to find a boyfriend and be in a serious relationship. I am not against a short-term relationship while I look for 'Mr Right', but I don't know what finding Mr Right looks like. Does there have to be connection on the first date? Could it be a slow burner? Is it even realistic at my age or do I need to lower my expectations and just settle for Mr good on paper?

@crushed23 I'd probably see him again once more but not let him pick up the bill. If by that next date, there's no spark for you, then I'd tell him that subtly.

Truthfully he sounds decent to me, long good chats/fun/polite/generous/keen/ and same field workwise. Those would be a lot of ticks for me. But then im someone who would have preferred a friendship/slow burn type thing because i was very scared of getting hurt again. Not everyone would be ok with that. What's your dating history like? Do you prefer something with more spark?

@Crushed23 - is there something that makes you think you’d like to didn’t more time with him even if you don’t feel a spark yet?

As I’m a slow burn person, it takes me several meet ups before I start to feel anything but there is usually something about that person that makes me want to see them again if that makes sense.

So I don’t agree with the PP that if there’s no kissing/touching by the 2nd date it’s not going anywhere. A slow burn definitely can build from friends first.

My dating history is a disaster really.

I chase the spark and fall for guys who are inappropriate. Either very young guys or complete players who I find physically attractive but are not boyfriend material in any way, shape or form.

The only men I have fallen for in 2024 were a 21 year-old undergraduate I met at a rave (when I was 34), and a complete player who practically told me he was only after sex but I chose to ignore it. I'm completely over the latter, but I still think about the 21 year-old 🤦‍♀️ and we interact on instagram from time to time (commenting on each other's stories etc.)

I know what my problem is - I am very immature when it comes to dating and relationships - but I don't know how to change?

The last time I forced myself to keep going on dates with someone I hadn't initially sparked with was with exDP. He was as good on paper as you can get, but I lost attraction about a year into the relationship. Maybe I'm worried about history repeating itself with Mr HK? 😣

If you can afford it it sounds like you may want to look into why you are going for those who are unavailable for a serious relationship and why you are after the short term spark. It might be helpful to speak to someone qualified if you can afford it.

I think there's two reasons. 1) I know I can't keep dating the way I've been dating (see post above) as it's getting me nowhere. 2) I enjoyed our first two dates, and it's nice to 'know' someone in this city. I wish we could just be friends first and see how things go, but with OLD it's like you either date / it works out or you never see each other again. :(

While I'm getting my thoughts down on this thread, two reservations I have are:

• one of my favourite things to do is see live music and go to raves. He doesn't seem particularly interested in that. It's not a dealbreaker but the last time I went out with someone who didn't share this passion I naturally did it less and less over time which made me sad/resentful.
• he came out of a very long term relationship less than a year ago. A 10+ year relationship which is very long at our age. Is he over her? Is he still on the rebound?

Thanks @occhiazzurri I think you're right about some sort of relationship counselling. Everything is hideously expensive here, but I'll see if my insurance covers it.

If you had the spark, I don’t think number 2 would be a question you would ask. It seems to me you are talking yourself out of it. However, spark means a lot. Nothing worse than settling for someone nice when you don’t have it. Can you imagine having sex with this guy for the next 40 years?

@Crushed23

I'm 35, I've been single for 14 months, and I'm generally hopeless (unlucky?) when it comes to dating and relationships. I either fall head over heels for someone wholly unsuitable or I get into a healthy relationship but fuck it up by losing attraction to the perfectly nice 'good on paper' type.

Hello my dating twin!

So I take a different approach to dating, and I’m not sure whether to recommend it or not as I’m single but…

You say about ‘wasting time’. You enjoy his company, right? You have a good conversation? Is spending time with someone you get on with really a waste of time?

If I like someone’s company I don’t put it in the ‘romantic’ or ‘friends’ bucket right away. I see it out as I develop attraction slowly and rarely like anyone straight away. I’d only not go on any more dates if I actually don’t look forward to the idea of seeing someone.

You say he’s a good match on paper and you discard those. I do, too. But what if you have it more of a chance to make an informed decision about discarding, instead of falling for the next unsuitable guy?

I binned a nice guy off in favour of someone I was getting really into recently who was always going to be a challenge, and I see things differently now.

That’s assuming that you’re open to going on dates with more than one person at the time.

For those of you who have decided after 2 or 3 dates that the person isn't right for you, for whatever reason, do you still keep in touch? I.E asking how you are, what you've been up to , voice memos etc?

Hi!

What I mean by wasting time is the time I am spending on texting and going on dates with Mr HK I could be spending on someone more suitable. I do enjoy his company and I did look forward to the second date. He has said yes to the indoor climbing suggestion for our third date and I'm looking forward to the activity but dreading the awkwardness if I decide on the date that I don't want to take it further, if that makes sense. I know that's a silly thing to worry about.

What do you mean by 'more of a challenge' with the guy you're seeing? And how long had you dated the nice guy before binning him of for the challenging guy?

It depends on who it is. I don't really OLD so maybe that's different. But if it's someone nice then yes.