Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’ve had it with a couple of guys where they see me get my card out and literally sprint to tap theirs 🙈 I tend to just shake my head in fake disapproval with a smirk and say ‘you better let me get the next one!’

I just don’t like doing that dance of making a fake offer to pay when one person has already decided they’ll pay, and is about to tap. Sometimes equally they’ll get ready to pay and find that I’ve already paid it all 🤓

I didn’t realise people thought about it so much and made up their mind about the person’s entire character based on whether they offered to pay on first date or not! I’m quite lax about money and don’t really ‘keep score’ so I wouldn’t think too much at all what a man’s payment behaviour is, unless they’re making me pay for everything say 4 dates in row.

However I’ve had men be offended at me paying for things on first date, eg picking up their parking tab.

I’m particularly careful at not being too eager to offer to pay if I’m on a date with someone of a lesser financial status than me, as I don’t want to come across as undermining them. Surely every man wants to treat their girl to a drink on a first date?

I was raised quite traditionally and it has just been my experience in both business and pleasure situations than during early encounters men pay and it would be almost rude and in some cultures a bit offensive to even offer. In Scandinavia, yes, a woman would certainly pay, but I’ve been made aware that in other cultures that’s considered a bit strange.

I’m seeing things in a different light now though!

Should I offer to pay on first date then? Is that why I’m still single? 😉 Are we agreeing that in Britain in 2024 it’s rude for a woman not to offer to pay on first date?

Confused 🤷‍♀️

How do you think that went down? And would you usually offer?

More importantly, how was the date? 😊

So I had a great night Sunday. 'Yer man' as I shall refer to him from now on kept in touch during the day. It was either to keep me thinking of him or so he knew where I was in case he himself was out with someone else but at this point I dont know nor care but he was consistent with chatting to me. Same with yesterday. All well and good but I read something last night somewhere which resonated. I asked him to not sleep with someone else mid nov when he was out. I purely basically asked him to make us exclusively sleeping together. That is when he started to pull away. I should have left it, I didnt I texted him again but I can see exactly the timeline now of where things cooled off. Im more annoyed with myself for not seeing it as it was. Anyway I am over and out on it. I wouldnt ignore him if he messaged but no intention of meeting him again either.
We live, we learn.

Oh and I got hit on at the weekend again too. I still have 'it' whatever 'it' is ;)

Hey, has anyone used the Even app for single parent dating? Considering it for when I may become ready.

As an aside, I always offer to go halves on a first date if it’s more than a coffee. Or if out for evening drinks I’ll always say I’ll get this one :)

Actually, ignore me. Done some more research and appears it’s rubbish, plus a haven for men who want to get close to women with kids- was a concern of mine too.

Normally I would pay for a meal and drinks without even thinking about it.
However, the last woman I dated for a while was a partner in a professional firm and earned multiples of my income but I invariably picked up the tab, she often had a call of nature at the end of the meal, just before the bill arrived.
I didn't notice it for quite a while, but once I noticed.... it first amused me, then began to irritate me.

I also saw someone from OLD who didn't even offer to pay for a round of drinks and we went out for meals and drinks about 5 or 6 times and I probably spent over £500 vs nil.

All for chivalry and good manners, but also I think that I would want there to be some sharing of the costs at some point. If they are not prepared to buy a glass of wine on the second date then they probably aren't that into me.

Neither offered to pay on our first date, so I was wondering if that was a red flag.

I was going to delete the last post as I think it makes me come across as tight which is not the case, I just feel a little deflated and exploited by the last few interactions and wondered if there was a shortcut to recognising the signs and a red flag. Reading the responses, I guess that it still isn't abnormal for the guy to pay.

Of course it doesn’t make you tight. You sound almost too generous and that’s allowing these women to take advantage of you. .
Unfortunately you’ve encountered a series of grabby entitled freeloaders. I don’t know any of my friends who don’t at least offer to pay from the start - though most men insist on paying for the first date if it’s dinner. And if the msn pays for the first date, it’s absolutely appalling manners for the woman not to at least offer to pay for a couple of drinks on the next date.

Maybe stop doing dinner for first dates and go for drinks. I’ve always found men buy the first round but I think a woman would be pretty shameless and a CF to let him go up the bar for the second round without offering to pay. I’d be ashamed of myself to behave in such a grabby manner.

And I find it funny that some women only claim to be old fashioned or traditional when it comes to not getting their debit card out. I’m nearly 60 and it’s been the norm since I was in my teens for women to stand their rounds.

Please take this in the right way but you have to take control and don’t let these women take advantage. If by the 3rd date, they don’t even offer, then throw them back, they’re takers, they won’t change.

@Dauntedbydating no, doesn't make you tight. My ex's ex wife used to have dates all week so she could dine out in nice places for free! I've heard from other male friends that it's the same. Freeloaders all around!

Personally I'd have wanted a man to pay first off but I'd always offer. If im definitely not seeing him again, I'd insist on going halves. Or just go for drinks rather than a massive meal. I don't think you have to have a big meal to know if there's chemistry really, just see how the night goes.

Oh yes these examples are definitely crazy. A woman not getting their wallet out after 5-6 dates isn't really compatible with your values of one of them is equality in a relationship, right?

I dated a trigger-happy guy (with his card that is) for a while that gave me no chance to even offer first 3 dates, so I just told him a) you need to stop paying for everything and b) got my card out faster next time or said 'my treat' in advance of date. We never kept score but we only split the bill once, other times one would treat the other.

I would just say please don't judge if they don't offer to pay on first date. People will have had different experiences and upbringings, personally I'm really worried about offending the guy if I offer to pay. Especially if it's a foreign woman, depending on where they've lived, they may read the situation completely differently and haven't got the memo. People can always be nervous and later be kicking themselves 'oh I should have done xyz'.

First post here. I’m just dipping my toes into dating again after 24 years. I’m a week into OLD and struggling with it so far. Been chatting with someone I know from a few years ago but that’s gone quiet so I don’t think it’s going anywhere.

I find it hard to decide just based on photos and have realised that my attraction is usually after meeting people.

I’ve had quite a few likes, but they all look…well… old to be honest! I’m 51 and I’m guessing the men my age are looking for a younger model!

I don’t really want to have multiple chats and meet loads of people, but guessing this is what I need to do. Not really sure what I am doing or how to navigate this.

Maybe I’m just aiming too high! Or maybe OLD just isn’t for me. Looking for tips/advice from the more experienced please.

@Flamingo965 Hello :).

We have all been there! OLD can be relentless, fun, confusing, hilarious and exhausting. I’d like to say in equal measure, but I don’t think it is. I feel you just have to become familiar with the sites, try to understand what you’re looking for (your wants may be different to how you’re able to engage, but you won’t know until you try). Don’t pay for any initially as they’re not always worth it.

I’d suggest definitely speak to more than one person at a time. Doesn’t need to loads, but it’s a numbers game.

For me there are definitely things on a profile which put me off and I won’t entertain the person at all.

I have seen the ‘burn the haystack’ approach suggested a few times on here. Basically showing photos in your worst light to find someone meaningful - there’s more to it than that, but gives you a gist.

Try not to wear your heart on your sleeve and start to really tune your BS/red flag to weed out unsuitable men.

But, with all that being said, have fun!

@Flamingo965

Im also 50+ and I’ll be completely honest, I found OLD an absolutely hideous experience with no positives at all. Though I found it impossible to strike up any sort of connection with someone I’ve never met and only seen a couple of photos. It was just dry and hard work.

I did try but the pool of men 50+ is shallower than a puddle. By all means give it a go but the experience of me and my friends of a similar age is unless you want NSA sex or to be hit on by pensioners, then prepare to be disappointed.

I agree the 50+ pool is pretty grim. IME, the vast majority of men are low quality & looking for casual sex. The ones who genuinely want to meet someone are the minority & snapped up quickly.

OLD in general is full of awful men; it just seems to be a platform for them. You can usually spot the ones to avoid: "sex positivity" "intimacy without commitment" tattoos & sticking tongue out , topless, etc.

I've done it for a couple of years now but with very strict criteria & can only usually hack it for short periods.

If you can do something like speed dating, pip social, Meetup then I would say these are better.

Have boundaries of steel & good luck!

@Flamingo965
The dating apps were an eye opener but if you can view as fun and not take it to seriously you will be fine. I did short bursts. I’m 40’s and found setting a younger age range beneficial. Less issues that way it seemed. Definitely have boundaries in place. I had therapy prior for relationship issues and went in knowing what I needed.

Thank you @LittleFloatingGhost @TwistedWonder @ProseccoOnTap @Caramellie3 That’s all really helpful.

I definitely need to lower my expectations and see it as a bit of fun and not expect anything more than that. How naive of me to think that most men would not be looking for NSE sex! Will definitely be reducing my age range though.

The chat with the old friend isn’t quite as dead as I thought, so still some hope! 🤞

@Flamingo965 I think for certain people it’s just difficult to become interested in someone just based on a picture and a few words - myself included. It just feels like browsing a catalog to me, not seeing any of these guys as an actual person I could fancy.

It’s not the only way though. As you said, you’ve already gotten in touch with an old friend. Is there anyone else from your past who could be of interest?

Do you have more of a community where you live/ a close group of friends?

You probably need to leave the house quite a lot to start seeing what’s out there and seeing the possibilities of making connections. But it’s there. Join in with mixed groups your age - something doesn’t need to become a date right away.

In my sports club I see some social groups of people around 50 who play sport on weekends together and they seem to be having a better time than anyone else! I wouldn’t be surprised if any of those people would be up for dating each other or introducing their friends to other single friends

So been to a few singles "Lock and Key" events, not successful and all a bit awkward really.

One thing I have noticed is how badly dressed the men are, but I've heard that well dressed men are definite red flags, so it's best to go for men who don't look like they've bothered at all?

@ElleintheWoods i like the catalogue analogy. That’s exactly how I feel about it. I’m the type of person that would take time to ponder and just order one outfit rather than order loads and try on before returning. I guess that’s why I’m struggling with OLD!

Me and a friend have already make an early New Year’s resolution to get out more, so that definitely something I’m trying to put into practice.

@NowStartingOver i haven’t heard of any of those near me, just speed dating (which would be even worse than OLD I think!)
Not sure I could go for someone that had not bothered to dress for the occasion though!

Never heard that one before. And I would definitely judge someone who hasn’t made an effort with their clothes and appearance for date.

Making an effort is very important to me. Any man turning up on a date looking scruffy would be an instant no for me. Im
not talking suited and booted for a few drinks but looking well turned out is a huge tick not a flag

What do you like yourself though? Doesn't matter what everyone else thinks and says!

For example, I wouldn't want to be going out with someone that looks like 'they're not bothered at all'. I've been in LTRs with guys like that and I want someone who will match my heels and nice coat with... well, an interest in fashion and being able to talk about it! And dressing nice for theatre or a cocktail bar.

Why would a well-dressed guy that's made an effort be a red flag? Too keen? A player?

I've never heard of the well dressed thing being a negative? I suppose unless you are meeting for a date somewhere where it's inappropriate to dress up, like if you were going mud-wrestling or something

Flamingo965 Agree with everybody above... When I started OLD I was certain that I was going to find 'The one'. I very quickly realised that I had to change that mindset. Now I know that i'm lucky if I find any that could 'Maybe, possibly, might one day be nearly okay-ish enough to be the one'

I have to be careful (because the article has probably been written by a scruffy man and cautious of his "satirical take") https://medium.com/@KritSrini/well-dressed-is-a-red-flag-8aa9d1b78f34

But I only looked this stuff after noticing a trend at singles events of men just generally being poorly dressed and possibly getting more attention than the men who put some effort in. An observation. Quite frankly I can't get over my own awkwardness at these events and end up just people watching.

Personally I could write a book at how poorly dressed men are and how little effort they put in.

@Flamingo965 i haven’t heard of any of those near me, just speed dating (which would be even worse than OLD I think!)

Lock and key events are different to speed dating events.

The horror stories of OLD have meant that I haven't tried it, but speed dating people tend to be polite. I think you'll find a lot more obscene behaviour on apps because there isn't a face-to-face and people are much more emboldened online.

Thanks for sharing that, NowStartingOver. I recognized myself in some of that, As in 'At least if I look nice then that's one thing that I havn't got to worry about' (then I've just got to worry about if the man will actually like me!)

I wonder if the men that aren't dressed well at these events, look like they don't care either way, if they meet somebody, & that's what attracts the women to them? The kind of bad-boy thing.