Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

The problem with the work crush is, is that the are unavoidable. Luckily I don't have that problem now.

@Dauntedbydating - sorry but she sounds awful.

And I think not even attempting to offer a contribution is appalling manners, very grabby and entitled.

I don’t think dinner dates are ideal for a first meet if I’m honest. Much better to do drinks or coffee so you can can short if it’s not working

@Dauntedbydating i always offer to pay half and would hope the other person does too. If there are off putting points I think it’s worth waiting for someone else!

Yes you have a point! Men are initially keen aren’t they! And then suddenly the commitment issues kick in.

It’s a bit of a frustrating state of things, isn’t it? Having walls up and them constantly getting higher with every experience. However at the same time having walls up are counterproductive to actually feeling feelings/ being open with someone and your true self, as opposed to them becoming ‘just another guy’.

I’m not sure what the answer is. That’s kind of why I stopped dating in numbers, because I got to a stage where I wasn’t becoming invested in anyone at all.

I’m eye rolling at myself this evening 🙄 We’re still away at this work trip and it wasn’t busy today so we spent the entire day from breakfast to evening together in the hotel bar chatting and laughing, just us 2. He messaged me right after to say he enjoyed today. It’s lovely that we seem to be really comfortable around one another again, but it also reminds me that this is what led us to dating in the first place! So what’s actually changed?

Suppose my feelings for him have changed as I definitely see him more as a mate now, but it’s a bit weird - how often do you enjoy being around someone so much that you choose to spend 8h by their side?!

Yes I think @occhiazzurri is right, first dates should be cheap and casual…

So… confession time… I don’t offer to pay on first dates!! If the guy takes the bill and says ‘I’m getting it’ or orders the drinks and gets his card out right away, it just seems weird to start insisting ‘oh no I’ll pay!’ They’ll always say no anyway…

If a guy doesn’t immediately and quickly insist they pay then I would offer, but usually they’re so trigger happy I can’t get a word in.

Men are just so insistent on paying that it’s almost trained out of me, especially as I’ve spent a lot of time in Spain and Italy where it’s really unusual for women to pay, unless you are very familiar with the person you’re with.

I usually pay full bill 2nd or 3rd date to make up for 1st.

Does that really come across so badly?

Please elaborate? 😊

@ElleintheWoods when I was in my mid 20s I was working in China. I was teaching English. The boss/director of the agency was from England. Naturally you gravitate to people that speak the same language or come from the same culture. I felt vulnerable being so far away in a very different culture, despite it being a very safe country.

We spent so much time together. He was so good looking. We had the same sense of humour. He had a Chinese wife who was very nice, but I think there was a language barrier. She didn't seem to "get him." It was clear we both really wanted eachother but nothing happened.

I had too much respect for his wife and it wouldn't have been right. Every day I'd be excited to go to work, just to talk to him.

It's never happened again since. Now I just go in and do the job, no dramas. Maybe it's because I'm older and unattractive!

@Claire903 The last point really resonates with me, ‘no work dramas’ and ‘just going in to do the job’! I’d love to be at that point and I thought this workplace was it, as there weren’t any attractive men when I joined. I even gloated to my mate about being able to just focus on work! And then I set eyes on HIM 😂

To be honest for me work has always been a minefield, there’s always some guy or another that either openly states they fancy me (almost always unrequited) or there’s tension with someone, or men come out of the woodwork after I leave. At the moment it’s not the worst thing, being single, but at times it’s been interesting explaining ‘no Chris I will not come out with you because my boyfriend would mind!’ and having to do that more than once.

Your story sounds a little bit heartbreaking, must have been difficult to be in this situation at the time, although also exciting I assume? At least good to have someone to lean on far away from home and take the positives from it.

So are you dating now?

@ElleintheWoods it sounds positive that you are still getting attention and people are admiring you in that way. Since I've got older it feels like I'm invisible.

It's nice just to go and get on with the work. I'll leave the drama to the 20 something's 😆

It was very exciting being with him. But nothing was ever going to happen. I still get butterflies thinking about it now.

Not dating now but was up till last week. I've given up tbh!

What is wrong with me that I am beating myself up for having sex with the bloke I was seeing? And why oh why did I not stop messaging him after he clearly had decided he wasnt going to ask me out again? Jesus I thought I had healed and had my self esteem back but clearly flipping not. I actually saw a future with him. He is what I thought I wanted. Turns out I was wrong and he is not any different to the rest.

Listening to this podcast /Matthew Hussy has really interesting things to say about break ups -wish I’d had this insight into some assisting mindsets sooner..

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/love-life-with-matthew-hussey/id1064051384?i=1000675660458

I'm really sorry to hear that. Did he just ghost you? It's really not a reflection on you it's him. I'm at the stage where I don't even wanna get that far with them because I've no trust that they will stick around sad I know 😔

No but the messages are few and far between now. I think I need to take the hint but I am not good with that I need full on closure from things. I wont be going online again anyway. Done with that.

Oh what an asshole. Why can't they just be honest about their intentions but I suppose that's no fun for them. I was the same I always needed closure but one guy totally ghosted me and deleted me off sm ,after that I swore I'd never need closure again. I got my own closure by realising what he really was. But of course everyone is different. I hope you're ok and take care of yourself 💖

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle sorry to hear what happened to you. I've had similar situations. I'm not looking online now. I actually feel relieved and more relaxed now I've officially kind of 'given up.'

I will be fine but thank you all. It does make you think about your own deficits though as in my case I just cannot read people. I think I can but clearly cannot.

Just pull away, don’t message him other than very sporadically as a reply to his message. And see what happens.

Cold shoulder.

Guys are strange creatures. Yes, some just want to hump and dump. But for some having sex with someone actually seems to be a big deal and while us women want reassurance at that point, often they want space.

I’ve had it with people I’ve ended up in very long wonderful relationships with.

For example my last serious ex, I was the first woman he was with after his divorce, and it was a big deal for him in his head, he needed a few days.

I’m actually at a point where I don’t necessarily trust the ones who act all normal in the days after sex, seems a little too casual for me 😂

I recently called someone out on being distant and avoidant after something significant happening. And I really liked the way he responded, not a hint of gaslighting or ‘don’t want to talk about it’. Helps you see people’s true colours.

Ultimately these situations tell you what someone is like.

It could also be his adhd and my adhd are currently at odds with each other. We have dealt with situations one or other have been in in a very supportive way. He has been as supportive to me as me to he but then I get this odd feeling of what if he is not what i think he is what if he is another manipulator like my ex was instead of the genuine decent person I think he is. It may be a me thing. It may be a he thing. I dont know I just maybe need to never be in a relationship again for my own sanity!

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle try not to beat yourself up too much. I've been on these dating threads for years on and off and these things come up time and again for everyone. I'd draw a line under him now and move on unless he really ups his game, and even if he did, I'd say 'well you didn't seem to be in touch much so I assumed you weren't interested'. I like to put it out there and whilst it then never quite did a full 180, it made me feel like i had boundaries and standards. And people respect when you have boundaries.

Something over messaging last night has shown me hes full of shit quite frankly. Bit silly to give someone so much information about you and your life if you are just going to essentially 'play' them in the end. I think he may have started out genuine then realised I wasnt for him and i wont take offence to that more offence that hes lied and using his kids as an excuse not to see me. Guaranteed hes going to use one of them being up all night or something today but I am off out anyway and going to put him out of my head. I definately deserved better than breadcrumbing for sure.

Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle Sorry that it's all so difficult for you with him. Sounds like a right head fuck tbh. You don't deserve it at all. I hope that you have a lovely him-free day

Yea hes more hassle than he is worth and i gave him mors headspace because of his adhd but i have adhd too and hes not very accomodating of that so out of sight now for me and i can cut people out without a second thought once im done tryjng. And i am.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle well done for doing that

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle - sorry you are going through this. It can really knock your confidence & have you doubting yourself totally. Hence why I only do OLD in short bursts.

But as others have said, it's him not you, and having the respect & courtesy to communicate clearly to you would have helped you move on in a better way. Some men are just cowards.

I had this on Friday, the waitress came over and he got his card out immediately, I didn’t offer 🤷‍♀️