Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@ProseccoOnTap I see what you mean 😊The things you are describing, I'd probably call them 'falling for someone' to be honest! Chemistry for me is more 'we go well together and physically want to kiss them' etc etc. Which to me would be an very early stage thing before anything even happening - but it's all semantics at the end of the day.

Interesting about his home!! Do you think it was an inherited look or deliberately what he had chosen? Also interesting about his son being there without warning, how old is he?

It sounds like you aren't that into him, if you were passionate about him I'm not sure you'd have instant turn-offs, they'd be 'quirks'. It sounds like you want to feel more?

Is this the first guy you have more seriously dated since your ex?

I also worry about the self-defence mechanisms, I cannot tell if I now just have standards, or nit pick on things that don't matter that much. I've dated 3 guys this year and with every one, after a while I started telling myself 'you're not compatible'. Drinking was a factor with all 3, all liked to spend serious money on alcohol and drink quite a bit several nights a week, whereas I practically don't drink.

But I feel like a part of me is pressuring me to 'choose right' this time, and thinking there are all these choices, 'don't settle' etc.

Thanks again @ElleintheWoods.

With his home, it was the previous marital home & he bought his wife out after she had an affair & left.

With his son, he's 20 & still at home (university) & he's told all his friends/family about me. I've told a few of mine.

I was on my own for 3 years after my ex (long relationship & father of my children). I met someone last summer & had a 6-month relationship then was unceremoniously dumped!

I'm wondering if I've subconsciously gone for a "safe" guy with Mr Local. The ones who you have chemistry with can be a wee bit charming/naughty.

@ProseccoOnTap How did you feel about meeting his son? I'd have felt it a bit strange going to someone's home for the first time (already a big thing) and then also meeting their family members by surprise! Does he think you are his gf or a friend? Does sound like he is really keen!

I know what you mean by 'safe'. To be really blunt, do you think you are out of his league? Would you get stares walking down the street in terms of 'oh, he's done well!' And do you have a thing for bad boys then? 😁

I almost have the opposite problem, I have dated safe men long-term, and I'd like to go for someone who's a bit more risky (or charming/ naughty as you put it!)

When I've been out with men lately, the qualities I've admired have been social skills (the ability to comfortably interact with strangers, quick wit), generally wanting to do things outside the house, having many friends, but also, good hair and a sknicare routine, and caring about their clothes/ fashion! Plus also the usual stuff about personality, cnversations, values etc.

I've dated guys who have been beautiful on the inside and super interesting, but quite socially inept, and I'd like someone more fun and outgoing now. Where I can get dressed up in my best gown for a night out and they'll match it.

But equally I notice myself protecting myself by seeing faults in them early and pulling away before it can become something. I think deep inside I feel like I'm not good enough to be with someone good-looking, and that's quite sad.

Went to a thing with an old friend today, museum and nice lunch and a stroll around the city - quite couply and it felt lovely - usually I do these things on my own. That's made me think, maybe I just need stop nit picking with all the guys and allow myself to enjoy myself and properly date someone without thinking about 'but wat about 5 years from now'. There's things I like about single life, but a lot of alone-time and lack of physical intimacy is definitely not for me.

LittleFloatingGhost Your latest updates made me smile, I've not had any of that boring, 'You okay?' 'What you up to?' Type chat with anybody for so long that I actually miss it a bit now... Just a bit
Did you message him?

ProseccoOnTap seems like things are moving along, but it doesn't seem to be doing it for you really, which is fair enough. Were you expected to spend time with his son? Or was he just in the other room & you said hello as you passed? I think I'd be ok with the second one but i'd like a little prior warning for the first one!

My previous ex partner's family had an impromptu family get-together which coincided with our second date, so I ended up meeting all of his family (& his 8 year old child! Who he just phoned her mum & arranged to have her dropped off) all on date 2.

Right here we go again, third time lucky I hope.

Been talking to a Mr Irish for almost a month, we had our first date over the weekend. He was lovely and just as I'd hoped. He seems interested and genuine, so fingers crossed.
Unfortunately as I've been burned twice already this year, I will be taking it very slow in regards to dates or being intimate.
But hopefully as they say if this guy is the right guy, he'll be understanding. I shan't be telling him the reason why I'm hesitant though, as I did that with the last one and I'm convinced he saw that as a green light to 'pump and dump' 🤢

God this is all just such a unpleasant experience. The will or won't this one fu*k me over, surely to god there are some men out there that actually want a relationship. Here's hoping I've found one this time!!

Im Irish and strongly advise keeping away from Irish men LOL thats only cos I have decided that the Irish one I am seeing is nothing but a user and I am done so just ignore me. Less than no effort all weekend and I am quite honestly sick of him now at this point. He can find someone else to listen to his moaning.

In other news I got hit on twice this weekend and I was not even 'out out'. I have zero interest in either bloke but it is nice to be made feel attractive I guess.

@NervesOfCotton Yes, I did message him and told him my head isn’t in the right place as I had not long come out of something significant. He replied saying that I shouldn’t let my past potentially ruin something good… So I replied and reiterated that we won’t be going on a date, happy to keep in touch and see where I am after Christmas. I deleted his number.

He has been in daily contact, so re-saved his number. Conversation is improving.

Also had a word with myself last night and made a commitment that I won’t be crying over Mr Local anymore! And I haven’t today 😅

I actually messaged him on Friday

Aah well done, LittleFloatingGhost You are doing so well. We are here if you need us, sending hugs & strength!

Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle Sorry that the weekend has been like that, with him. How disappointing. But also, look at you getting all the men when you aren't even trying
(I've actually dated 2 Irish men before OLD & they both turned out to be not very nice at all)

JaquiRussell Sounding good, I hope that it works out for you this time!

@NervesOfCotton thank you ❤️ I was getting annoyed with myself for being so upset over a man who did a complete 160, resulting in me feeling really sad and questioning everything. It took me 18 months to get to such a point to be open to falling in love, and trusting someone again. So, I needed to not go back to square one and put myself first.

I’ll no doubt be back at some point.

Hoping you get some good messages soon xx

*180!!!

LittleFloatingGhost. It's normal. We let these men 'in' & then it just messed up your head doesn't it.

I feel like I've already spoken to anybody suitable on Bumble
I swear they are just the same profiles, same pic or sometimes a new one, but the same men & there aren't any new ones!

I even had one match with me who I'd chatted to when they did Speed dating on there, & our previous speed dating convo came up, for us to carry on chatting, which was really weird!

@NervesOfCotton They do don’t they. Ahhh, well. Here’s to 2025 🤣

Hello, I need to join please. Been on an OLD site for about 2 weeks. So true what you say @NervesOfCotton you let guys 'in' your head then they mess it up! I can't fathom how some people are so a) rude b) blatantly sexual c) have poor conversation skills. The site I'm on just seems to be full of scammers and social climbers. All a bit depressing. I'll stop when my month membership runs out in a few weeks. Am in touch with one guy, his number is possibly a bit suss as it's a mobile that has 0000 in it (partway through like: 07712 340000). That's dodgy, right? He's very nice to look at tho 😂

Hi whattodoarrgh. Good luck with dodgy phone number guy

Tumbleweed for me. Still.

I did have a VERY nice looking/nice seeming repair man yesterday though. He'd forced the shower taps on so tight (with all of his muscle!) That I then couldn't turn them off, so he had to come & lean right over me to do it. He smelled lovely

Sorry for the late response, it's been a busy week.

@ElleintheWoods - you are my dating twin!!! Yes to wanting to dress up, go somewhere nice & have fun times after years in a miserable relationship!

And yes to those who make a bit of an effort with clothes, good conversation, keeping fit. So important!

To those who asked about his son, I was visiting Mr Local at home & he hadn't told me his son was home (before or during visit). I assumed he'd be out at university - then he just appeared in the kitchen. So I was a wee bit taken aback.

I'm mid-50's & it's such a difficult age for meeting someone. I've been dating almost 2 years & it's pretty soul-destroying. On paper he totally meets the criteria & has all the qualities I like in someone, so he's a rare find in the world of OLD.

But I just find there's not so much of a spark/banter as I usually like. His dressing is a bit old-fashioned, as is his house. All superficial stuff so I'm giving myself a hard time about that. He has enough enthusiasm for both of us though & always pushing (respectfully) for more.

@NervesOfCotton - maybe time for a break from OLD? I only do it 3-4 times a year, then pause my profile & take a break from the shittiness of it all. I actually had better luck with Facebook dating.

@LittleFloatingGhost - I also got dumped last year after a 180 - it really knocked my confidence. Sorry your Mr Local was so flaky.

@JaquiRussell - any update on Mr Irish?

@ProseccoOnTap Love having a twin! Actually quite excited about Christmas etc in that sense, can’t wait to get my LBD out and shine 😊

Issue is I usually like men who aren’t into that type of thing! Guys who have far simpler tastes or are fiscally more responsible…

So are you going to continue with Mr Local then?

On a positive note I’ve started noticing other men again, think I’m getting over Mr WorkCrush. In fact he is with me now on a work trip abroad and I find myself not constantly thinking about where he is, chatting more to his friends and paying attention to other people. All good signs!

We talked a fair bit yesterday and it felt like easygoing teasing and banter again, so think the relationship is on the mend. I do still care a bit too much when his name flashes up on the screen but hopefully that’ll die down soon too. I do half wonder why he keeps texting so often considering we made our decision, but I’ll just assume he wants his work mate back and likes chatting to me.

I love nice smelling men, a bit of an aphrodisiac

What will be broken next? 😜🤣

ProseccoOnTap Yes I stop bothering when I'm really not feeling it, but I'm ok for now, I always feel like you get the ones who are desperate to meet somebody for Christmas... All of a sudden they are keen to meet up quickly.

So it's just another thing to be mindful of at this time of year.

LittleFloatingGhost I know! They actually took 3 visits to fix this one problem, I'm just gutted that they didn't send the same man all 3 times

@ProseccoOnTap Thanks for the check in ☺️

It's going ok, thank you we are still talking every day, he's escalated it to calls now too. Hoping to meet up for second date Saturday evening. Still got a Mr Spot-the-Difference on Tinder waiting in the wings, he's mentioned multiple times he'd like to meet up next week. As I'll be damned if I'm going to be burnt by having all my eggs in one basket again.

But I sense like you, maybe with Mr Local. Dating is just so soul destroying I'm just now on high alert waiting for something to go wrong, someone to get the ick. It's awful.
In only 10 months of OLD and it's just such a let down but I WFH, I'm sober and not sporty or have much disposable income for hobbies or clubs. So meeting people out and about in the wild is hard.
So you're not alone in hating it @NervesOfCotton

And I wish I had your attitude to it @ElleintheWoods but I'm really pleased for you that Mr Work Crush isn't as painful/ awkward as it was

@JaquiRussell Why is Mr Spot-the-difference called that? Sounds like a bit of a story there? Also sounds like you might want to give the poor guy a chance, he sounds eager! Any doubts?

I’m a little bit tempted to download an app and have a browse but I know it’s not a good idea as I’m not really looking to date these guys!

Mr WorkCrush still looks very hot though… Damn, could I not have chosen someone less attractive to date?! Bizarrely he also messages me when I walk past him, eg ‘you had a nice smile on your face just now, good news day?’

Must. Stop. Overthinking our interactions!

Not much of a story I'm afraid. It was simply how he'd created his profile, but I thought it was unique and funny so I liked him back and played along. And indeed Mr Spot-the-Difference is as expected very funny and flirty which is fun.

Mr Irish does seem keen but Elle as you may have seen with my updates this year, most of the men I've dated have seemed to be too. Till we've had dated for a month or more, well over 10+ dates. Slept together on several occasions, I've met their friends etc. Then they abruptly end it over WhatsApp with some rubbish excuse. So this time I'm not allowing myself to get all wrapped up in Mr Irish regardless of any words or actions until there's an actual commitment offered on the table.
Not entirely sure how I'll juggle but I'll figure it out.
But not met Mr Spot-the-Difference yet maybe he's not a contender but we'll see.

Its natural for you to overthink Mr Workcrushs messages. Well done for being able to handle that being civil in the office is one thing but his occasional little message would give me mixed messages and I wouldn't appreciate it. He's had his chance, he's made a decision, he should let you move on. But it's hard, I get that. Get that Christmas party dress on and dazzle them for yourself if no one else ☺️

Interesting lunch on Thursday with a lady who I met on Hinge about 12 months ago, we chatted briefly and she swapped numbers but it petered out.
Saw her again on Hinge a couple of weeks ago, she liked my profile and then disappeared and then on Bumble.
We chatted a bit and agreed to meet for a meal on Wednesday which she cancelled due to a clash so we rearranged for thursday.
Was a nice meal and she is quite an interesting character, it was a very quiet restaurant and she was quite indiscreet asking about dating and telling me about hers quite loudly. Nothing particularly confidential, but I didn't really want the whole restaurant knowing we were on a blind date!

The other thing I found a little offputting was she made no attempt to offer to pay.
I wouldn't have accepted, but think it is good manners both for the guy to pay for a first date, but also for the woman to offer.
Normally it wouldn't bother me at all, but for some reason it did today.

I think perhaps it was because the last woman I dated didn't offer to share any of the costs and we went out to dinner about 5 times before she decided she wasn't over her ex and it wasn't fair to continue.......I know a gentle let down when I see one!

I would suggest more low cost dates eg drinks or similar, to avoid having to foot the bill for meals all the time. If someone doesn’t even offer to pay this tells you what their expectations will be going forward- you can then make your decision whether to continue seeing them knowing you will likely be funding all dates and social occasions.