Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

LittleFloatingGhost Big hugs. I think that you've done the right thing to try not to run into him when you are feeling how you do about it all (& why wouldn't you!)

I hope you've got a nice hot chocolate or something?

@LittleFloatingGhost be kind to yourself. Perfectly expected to feel this way. Soon you will be in a mindframe to go to your usual coffee shop around the corner and the places you went together, it just takes time.

Sending hugs 🤗

Thanks @NervesOfCotton and @ElleintheWoods.

I had a bog standard coffee in my travel cup and way too many of the kid’s jammy dodgers 😅

LittleFloatingGhost Coffee & jammy Dodgers, all good

@NervesOfCotton It wasn’t bad. Silver lining is this will save me a small fortune each week! 🤣

@ElleintheWoods how are you doing?

@LittleFloatingGhost yeah I’m ok, thanks for asking. I’m away with work for a few weeks at the moment and not seeing him or having contact with him has been nice and helped me reset. See what it’s like when I get back!

This profile today.
Under 'After work you can find me'...

He's written 'If you are following me or tracking me any any way at all, then neither of those is okay'.

Er...

@NervesOfCotton he sounds a delight lol

Girls I am still seeing the bloke I met some months ago. I still fancy him but we have both been busy recently and I am starting to get the out of sight out of mind thing. We are in contact all the time but I think if I dont see him again soon it might be easier to just end things.

Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle Do you know when you are able to see each other next? It's hard to know what to do for the best sometimes, when you are both busy isn't it.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle do you live some distance away from each other? Or howcome you're too busy to meet regularly?

If you don't think about him too much and aren't super keen to see him often, do you think there's something going on that's telling you that you don't actually want a relationship with him, subconsciously? Or are you maybe just a little scared to get into anything serious, even if they're lovely, as your username suggests?

No I would like a relationship with him I am just not sure thats the road he wants to go down. I feel he should want to see me more but then I know he has had a lot on recently too. Im a wonderful one for the overthinking I can tell you and I wish to christ I didnt.

How long are we talking in between meets? And do you leave it to him to organise the meetings or suggest things also? Do either of you push meetings around?

Was initially under the impression that it was you that wasn't so keen to meet more frequently/ not that bothered.

I had it with a guy that had a very demanding job, however I let it go as I was busy also, and whenever we did meet, it was really wonderful and romantic, loved our time together. The only doubt I had was 'surely this early on he should want to see me loads?'

Spoiler alert, it didn't work out. Not to give you more to mull over but probably early on you should be very keen to spend time with the person, it's not a good sign if everything else is more important. I feel like the excitement should be there, even if the focus is more on quality time than quantity, time should always be made.

By the same token though, I feel people get cold feet some weeks/months in, sometimes justifiedly, sometimes less so. I hugely get cold feet if it seems like a good match and too easy, and tend throw myself into work and pull away a bit.

Thing is the communication is constant. I did ask him to meet up last weekend for a show but did not realise he was away which is fine I just got the dates wrong so in my mind he needs to make the next move as it were. Thing is we are both ND so while I am saying that he could be thinking the same thing too for ther reasons. We are exclusively sleeping together and exclusively talking to each other we havent labelled things although it does feel like a relationship. Maybe it is me overthinking and I wonder maybe if we slept together too soon as now there is pressure to meet up with overnights in mind rather than just dates. I think he might feel the pressure. It is hard to explain without going into detail which I dont really want to cos the bedroom antics are great but i wonder if i have said and done things that make him feel pressured into giving his best performance when he works long hours and may not be able to when I would be as happy to just snuggle up I guess. It is him I need to articulate this too not on here but need to see him face to face to do it cos its not really a textable conversation. Turns out I cannot do casual sex at all and as a result im going to have to ask him his intentions rather than see myself hurt in the long run.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle could you have a conversation over the phone about how you feel if you can’t do it face to face. I am dating someone who I generally see once/twice a week if it was less than once a week I would feel put off etc. I can see where you are coming from.

Oh it's difficult isn't it?!

I've been seeing Mr Local fairly regularly. I wasn't sure about the chemistry earlier & still not - which has translated over to other areas of the relationship.

He is a very attentive lover, is kind, empathetic, thoughtful & maybe has me up on a pedestal a bit.

He tells me he's "head over heels" with me, wants to see me as much as possible & has told his family/friends about me.

Although I look forward to seeing him, I don't have the same enthusiasm- but that's me & relationships I guess. Such a busy time of year & I was really not that bothered about meeting someone when met.

But also don't want to sleepwalk in to a long term relationship & would feel a bit sad about going the rest of my life without that chemistry (which may run out sooner & generally gets me in to trouble!).

On paper, he'd be everything I'd want though......

Thank you for the input. I have made more efforts. Seeing a bigger picture. He has now mentoned how busy he will be again this weekend. It is not acceptable. I will live again by the mantra 'if he wanted he would'. Shame but I am not into half arsedness.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle my partner is ND and I found it useful to just spell out my rules, that I needed to see someone every other week, affectionate otherwise it didn't feel like a relationship etc. I had to accept though that if he still behaved distant or didn't follow through, then I was out. He later told me he really appreciated the clarity and we are still together. It's not exactly romantic but I believe with ND, you need to be clear.

@Realdeal1 yes and I have been clear that I wanted to see him he is just not making the effort to make plans. I also am ND so it is a two way street but to be honest if this weekend goes without a plan then I am out. I dont like uncertainty.

@Singleandnotsureifreadytomingle then if that's the case I'd end things and say exactly that, that he didn't seem to want to do anything so wasn't worth. continuing

@ProseccoOnTap what do you mean by chemistry exactly? Sounds like things have progressed quite a bit so sounds like you must be quite attracted to him? I never really understand what people mean by that/ what are they expecting to be feeling.

For me, I'd expect to be feeling comfort, enthusiasm, excitement, wanting my hands all over the other person when I'm near them, feeling instant happiness when I see them. But I feel like you mean something else?

The lack of enthusiasm doesn't sound like a good sign though... what are your reasons for sticking with it?

I'm away with work, bored and wanting some validation and flirting... No dating for the foreseeable as I'll be out of the country most of the time til 2025, and no-one in my life I'd actually be interested in dating either. Feels like I've just switched off from feeling romantic in a way!

Can I create an 'honest' dating profile that reads 'not actually going to go on any dates, just bored and lonely and want to chat' 😂

Maybe that gives some insight into the mindframe of some other people that one encounters on dating apps...

@ProseccoOnTap whenever I see you write about Mr Local I automatically think of mine (I know you mentioned something similar previously 🤣). Glad it’s going well.

@ElleintheWoods That would be a refreshing profile! Someone I connected with ages ago, we had just spoken, not met, reached out and we had a couple of chats. He has asked me to go for a date on Tuesday, I said yes BUT I’m really not feeling it whatsoever. I’m going to cancel on Sunday and avoid his messages until then. He messages every day and I’m finding it annoying. Thought the universe may have thought it was a good idea to get back out there 😅 but I just don’t want to get to know anyone - so your update really resonated with me! Enjoy the end of the year 🥂

@LittleFloatingGhost Oh yes I see what you mean! Does he know about your recent situation?

I can see why you’d find such excessive attention annoying when you’re not in the mindframe.

I had to recently explain to a male friend that immediately post breakup is pretty much the worst time to hit on a woman!! Someone he knows had just broken up with long-term Bf and his intention was to ask her out! He couldn’t see how it wasn’t going to go down well!

I feel quite weird right now. I really desire closeness, being loved, intimacy, hugely crave it, but can’t imagine going there with a guy at the moment, can’t imagine getting excited about someone. Thankfully fly back to the UK tomorrow so maybe getting back into my normal routine, clothes and activities will help!

Would you go out with this person as a mate or has he made it clear he wants to date?

@ElleintheWoods No, I haven’t mentioned it.

The messages aren’t even conversational, it’ll be something random, I don’t read, then I get a “you okay?” 👀

I thought his intentions were more about hooking up, tis the season after all 🍆🎄🤣 but I’m getting mixed vibes. I was curious to see if I could put myself out there casually, but it’s not me and I’m not even up for FWB situation either. I don’t want to get to know anyone on any level.

@ElleintheWoods - thanks for that reply - you have articulated things well about how I want to feel.

If I have good chemistry with someone, it means I can't keep my hands off them, really look forward to seeing them & miss them when we are apart.

Mr Local is lovely. I enjoy our time together, we have a bit of a laugh. I look forward to seeing him, but don't miss him that much between times . He has so many nice qualities, and we do have good sex.

I went to his yesterday for the first time & it was an eye-opener. I knew he was a bit "square" but his living room was like my parents house! It was such an instant turn-off.

And his son was there, which I wasn't expecting, so that threw me a bit as I then met him without being prepared.

On paper, he would be everything I'd be looking for, which is why I've given it so long (about 4-6 weeks so far).

I also wonder if there's a lot of self-defence mechanism there (for me) as my last relationship was very unhappy, with my ex being rather far along the narcissistic spectrum & cheating.

I need to make a decision soon, as it's not fair otherwise.