Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@ElleintheWoods I’m trying something new and leaning into the emotion, it’s quite cathartic. I’m generally quite a busy person, so it’s easy to stay that way but I’m trying to slow down. The constant ‘on the go’ isn’t helpful, but being intentional and carving out headspace time is helping.

ElleintheWoods I'm glad that things aren't too awkward at work, although I hope that things get a little easier for you, day to day, whatever that may be. I wonder if he's another one who panics at the thought of commitment & tries to talk to resolve it (but that doesn't actually stop the panic)

LittleFloatingGhost Sometimes it's really hard to just let ourselves 'feel' our emotions & thoughts, isn't it. I'm glad that you are getting through it (someway or another)

I may have missed the question on this thread. But it inspired me to write some dating guidelines I intuitively channeled (It's what I do!). Very helpful for me. I'm gonna use these from now on.

Guidelines
#1: Meet your needs first.
#2: Don’t talk badly about yourself to yourself or others.
#3: Show up for a date with yourself. Take yourself out the way you want to be treated. Wine and dine yourself first.
#4: Leave a dating partnership the first time you’ve confirmed red flags. Feel into this through your intuition first. Once you’ve identified they exist, talk to your date to ask how they manage their emotions around the “red flag”. This will show you if they have transcended what seemed like a challenge, or if they need time on their own to heal and lean into learning their own lessons.
#5: If you encounter many men who have true red flags, let this be a reflection point for you to consider why you’re attracting people who present them to you. What lessons are you being asked to learn?
#6: Go home and begin again with guideline #1-5. These five guidelines are all you need to focus on.

@LittleFloatingGhost I’m glad you’re working through this. I suppose the standard advice often is ‘stay busy, don’t think about it’ but it’s more bottling it up, isn’t it? Sending lots of hugs 🤗 Or are you getting a little tired of people asking if you’re ok?

@NervesOfCotton It’s a particular situation with him, I don’t think he is in the headspace or situation to date, even financially for example. My last serious relationship started with a guy who wasn’t ready to date but we liked each other a lot so we started anyway and it was a mess. So I don’t wish to re-live it. Feels like psychologically he has something bigger going on too as his confidence sometimes drops to zero when he’s around me and it’s unusual. Something’s off, he knows it, I know it.

What would make it easier for me is if he stopped looking so bloody handsome and me seeing him 10 times a day 😂 But we had a chat and a laugh yesterday and that really sort of broke the ice so I’m hopeful.

I’ve stopped feeling those butterflies for him quite abruptly but I’m a tad worried about them returning once we rebuild back to friends.

Can you elaborate on ‘tries to talk to resolve it’?

@ElleintheWoods I think I have been taken by surprise by how kind everyone has been, both IRL and you lot in my phone! I read back through this thread when I was first messaging him to date, wondering did I miss something, particularly as it was so fleeting yet love happened. Nope, it was special from the start, and I’m incredibly grateful for the support as it floored me.

I feel a little silly and angry for allowing myself to invest and love so deeply, so quickly. Clearly navigating some type of process, but being asks helps me - although my sister asked and I bit her head off 😅🤣

ElleintheWoods I was just thinking about myself really, sometimes when I'm worried about something I try to 'talk it out' but then I feel like I just waffled, didn't really get to my point & I'm still not really feeling better about anything... If that makes any sense at all

Hmm maybe he will have a few bad days then where he doesn't look quite so hot, & make it easier for you

@LittleFloatingGhost I’m pleased 😊 and yes sometimes people ask and it brings out emotions in you, so yes, suppose sometimes the head biting is expected, too! It’s nice that you can still feel, too 😊 When I briefly did OLD, because there were all these guys, one always replaceable with another, I did feel like I couldn’t feel at some point and that was scary.

I’ve had a bit of a rough day and definitely overthinking. He’s being really nice to me but keeps a distance. What does that mean? Does he feel guilty and tries to cheer me up out of duty? Or is he hurting as well and being near me feels difficult and not how it used to feel? He still sends me a good night message every night and it makes me feel confused.

Looks like I’m selling the benefits of a ‘clean break’ very well on here! And why dating at work isn’t a good idea!

Also, I know ultimately we aren’t compatible and he’s a bad idea, but keep thinking if I could have done things differently. Listened to him more, allowed him to open up, as opposed to acting like I was super amazing and he was lucky to be in my presence. Actually make him feel like he could trust me and be comfortable.

Feels like far too much emotion to feel for someone I wasn’t even that serious with but he was the first person in years that really made me feel like I could fall in love.

@NervesOfCotton Yes I get what you mean, starting a conversation about something important but then not saying your piece/ getting the point across. And there’s only so many times you can talk about something important!

Sorry, think I’ve made this thread a little bit too sad now 😁

Has anyone got any exciting dates lined up this weekend? Any good updates? 😊

So things are going well my end, was date four last night. Plan was for her to stay over and take things to the next stage but she started her period on Friday so didn’t feel comfortable staying over.

I really like her, I feel as though she has some walls up still after being hurt before - I want to tell her I’m off the apps and very much focusing on only her ( I guess to hear the same back ) - is this too forward and a bit unnecessary and instead should I let things pan out naturally? I’m away now for a couple of weeks so will be nearly three weeks until we see each other again, so I guess I’m eating a bit of reassurance as well!

@ElleintheWoods Don’t be silly :)

How are you doing?

I’ll definitely be a quiet participant on the thread for the foreseeable future. Looking forward to Christmas and turning 40 next year - going to focus on my kids and date myself!

If I hear from Mr Local I may check-in, but there won’t be any dating updates from me.

@MrBig0 Great update. I’d say hold off telling her you’re off the apps, or thinking of coming off them, and see how things go after you have had a break from seeing each other.

Nice update :) How was the date?

What kind of walls do you think those are, is it someting she has said herself or something you've picked up on?

Does she strike you as someone who could be a little bit avoidant/ afraid of fast moves? I've noticed I have that trait - if someone tells me up front and early they are into me, I tend to start questioning my judgement and pull away.

How's her texting?

I wouldn't be as forward as you're suggesting as she may not be there yet. However, there's other ways of giving and seeking reassurance. If you're away, and if that comes naturally to you, call her at the end of your day. If you have something significant scheduled while you're away (a big work challenge? a special experience?), make contact with her after, be open, make it obvious it was something you wanted to share with her? If this comes naturally of course.

I was dating someone that worked away a lot and in the early stages that made me feel really 'bonded'. He'd be quite busy in the day but then would share pics of what he had been doing every night, or stay up late to find out how my day was, or tell me about significant life events in detail. That really worked a charm with the distance, and made me feel like it was going really well.

If you are still matched with her on the apps, make sure you don't open them/ make it look like you're actively using. (Think your location stops updating after a few days of non-use) She could be looking at that for clues.

@LittleFloatingGhost I'm ok, getting there. We're getting space from each other as I'm away with work rest of month, so I won't have to look at his gorgeous broad shoulders and hair for a few weeks, phew. I think that will be very, very good for both, we're trying too hard to be friends atm.

I'll be going on dates if someone asks me, won't allow myself to be heartbroken, as there's no reason to be - we were nowhere near as serious as you guys. And talking of dates, someone gorgeous from my past (15 years ago!) has just sent me a number of long messages... I think it's very unlikely to go anywhere due to distance but maybe a bit of flirting is what I need right now to pick myself back up.

And I've got a good feeling about November... Will keep leaving the house and being open to chance encounters.

That would be too soon for me after only 4 dates and having not had sex.

I like to see how that is first before further establishing etc

Thanks everyone, helpful advice as always. I guess I just want to know we are at the same place, and she feels the same as I do, a little bit of reassurance.

texting is sporadic, as she has such a busy life, which is ok and I’ve learnt to adapt to it now. It’s different to what I’m used to but it’s not necessarily a bad thing although it’s normally me that initiates initial contact.

We had talked about having sex earlier in the week, but obviously couldn’t as she started her period , we improvised and I gave her a massage but she didn’t stay over.

im not too sure what the etiquette is, hence why I’m asking.

Just thought I’d check in and say hi. Still going slow but strong with my avoidant one 5/6 months. No rushing or L words. But it’s all good and I’m happy. We haven’t done the friends/family thing yet. But his location is a long distance from his hometown. Lots of good dates though. I feel now if it didn’t work out I wouldn’t return to apps. It was fun but also crazy dating. Definitely needle in a haystack scenario. Good luck to everyone just thought id try and spread some positivity.

Do you mean he’s an actual avoidant?

If I was always the one reaching out, I would probably step back and see what comes back in return. There needs to be some equal effort I think. Otherwise one person will just end up resentful.

sorry for the name changed, I changed my email and it won’t let me use my previous name! ( Mrbig0)

so, after three days of silence she messaged saying she has issues with her ex and her daughter and doesn’t have time for a relationship right now. It was a lovely message and certainly better than most other reasons but I’m still gutted. I’m away anyway for the next couple of weeks so I suggested no contact until I’m back and see what happens, but I certainly don’t want to put her under any unnecessary pressure. I can’t be arsed with dating again, so if nothing moves forward I’ll give it a rest until the new year.

I think she’ll be up for a FWB situation but tbh I’m not sure if that’s for me, I get emotionally attached too easily.

Sorry to hear that 🤗

I feel considering has said she doesn’t have time for a relationship now - whether that’s the real reason, or a gentle let down only thing you can really do is respect that and move on. Least you know now after 5 dates and no intimacy than further down the line when you’re invested. It does rather sound like she wasn’t really invested anyway hence slow communication etc

But there was intimacy, that’s what I don’t get.

I’ll give her some space and see what materialises

@Jojo855 I’m sorry, and hope you’re okay. Enjoy your time away.

I’m with you on the not dating until the new year. Spend time dating yourself, doing things you enjoy, but don’t be afraid to lean into the feelings you may be dealing with at the minute. I have personally found it quite cathartic, but still feel sad. Sending hugs 🤗

I mean she has said she doesn’t want a relationship 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn’t contact her again tbh if I told a guy that and he continued to contact me I would feel pretty annoyed and uncomfortable.

I’ll be honest ‘too busy for a relationship’ sounds like a cop out and an excuse. Sorry to be blunt.

If she was genuinely too busy she wouldn’t have been out there dating. I’ve come off apps until NY as I genuinely am too busy - I don’t have a free weekend until mid Feb seriously so it’s not the time to start chatting to someone knowing I can’t make time to meet up right now.

Let it lie now. If she contacts you then ok maybe chat but as she’s let you down nicely, respect that and don’t contact her.

Another one who’ll be back onto the dating scene but after Xmas. Have been seeing someone since August and tbf it started out just as sex but had ended up being a little more than that. He has a daughter, which obviously I have no issue with him seeing (and actively encourage it) but there’s no set, or even kind of, routine between him and his ex and so everything is last minute with regard to seeing each other and tbh, I can’t be doing with the messing around and uncertainty. So 2025 watch out!!

Hey! So, I’m currently sat in my car, rather than at the usual coffee shop I visit when my kids are at their activities… Because I’d rather do this than bump into Mr Local.

I’m round the corner from him every Saturday and starting to feel anxious about the whole thing. I know it’ll take time but I’m not mentally or emotionally ready. Dumping it here as it seems silly to feel this way, I should be able to deal with it.

It doesn’t help that I’m not over him in the slightest, but proud that I haven’t contacted him and grateful he is respecting my wishes at not contacting me.

I’m still feeling really sad, wish I felt angry as I’d have managed it better. I think because I was dumped as he wasn’t ready, I’m just overthinking everything still and have questions I wanted to ask at the time, given how quickly he flipped. I feel like an idiot. Knowing the answers likely won’t help.

Thanks for letting me rant and dump this somewhere!