Dating Thread 250 - Autumn

[librauk]

The Rules:

• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Mr Local and I broke up last night. He came to the realisation that he just isn’t ready for a relationship as he thought he was, particularly the relationship we had. He needs time for him - not to see other people but to work through some stuff he wasn’t aware of and he can’t do that with me. He said he feels really conflicted as he wants to be with me, loves me, thinks I’m incredible, enjoys and looks forward to the time we spend together, how we message, how great I have been for him, but needs to do this for him.

We are having a clean break, I’m not waiting whilst he works through this and he never asked me to, but he did want to keep in touch and check in, which I said no as that’s for his benefit not mine. By not waiting I don’t mean dating as that’s the last thing on my mind. Devastated. I felt something shift but everything seemed really good - and it was. Apparently this feeling came out of nowhere and has left him feeling conflicted.

There’s something really special about him/what we had - and he knows this, doesn’t understand why he is feeling this way and feels shit. I get it, I really do, but I’m not happy about it. I told him it feels wrong to end this if he still loves me, which he does. But then a little part of me wonders if I was played but I don’t think I was - he wasn’t that guy. I think he is freaking out after being with someone for 20 years, single 18 months and divorced a little bit before I met him. I always felt we met a little soon and we even discussed it as we felt different to other relationships from the off, but we just wanted to go with it. I am glad we did, but fuck me, this feels rough!

@LittleFloatingGhost - I am really sorry to hear about what happened and I know the feeling. Although it is no consolation but that happens so often with divorced people and particularly on OLD. As soon as things start getting serious they simply bail out. In one case I have subsequently found out that one of them in particular had done this with at least five-six women so it is not just you I suspect. It does happen on OLD so frequently because a lot of 40s men/women are looking to experience what they had in their 20s and some of them, particularly men, haven’t had the therapy or done the inner work to move on from their divorces. I have now become a little bit cynical in that a fair few people had met someone else - whether a ex or a new prospect came into the picture - when they proclaimed not to be ready for a relationship. The only way to heal is to keep the no contact rule and get busy with Christmas events!

So sorry to hear about this but you are very wise to insist on no contact -I would have got over my ex much sooner if he didn’t keep popping up all the time at places he knew I would be. But when I took up new interests snd joined clubs where he wasn’t, it was a massive way forward. I also blocked him so there was no risk of that jolt of seeing a message from him out of the blue.

@LittleFloatingGhost - really sorry to hear that. Sending a lot of love your way.

He is probably being honest. I know I went into a relationship too soon after my divorce and wasn’t really ready. It ended up really messy and hurt both of us so as hard as it is he’s probably done the right thing if he’s really not ready.

You're 💯 right not to stay in contact. You have to look after you. It’s very painful when it’s right guy wrong time and I really hope you’re ok xx

Sorry to hear that @LittleFloatingGhost Be kind to yourself these next couple of days and weeks.
Be grateful for everything you experienced together and proud that your intuition was spot on, you were waiting for it to unravel.
Don't torment yourself over was he playing you or not, you'll never know and by dwelling in it you may taint some of your memories.
It was what it was, for as long as it was supposed to be. We move on, ready for the next x

So sorry LittleFloatingGhost It's nice that he told you, I suppose, but it's still a crappy thing to happen when things have been going well. I hope that you are ok.xxx

Thanks everyone. It’s been crap and I’m incredibly emotional.

He messaged earlier, saying how weird it feels not to message, that he is sorry about everything, hopes I’m okay, that his feelings for me won’t switch off and he will care and think about me for a long time. I asked him why would share this with me? Which he replied he just wanted to say how sorry he was, reflecting that the message wouldn’t change how I was feeling and probably shouldn’t have sent it. I told him it was unhelpful, he made a decision which I guessed he was standing by. I explained I was gutted and really upset. Asked him not to contact me for a while. He said he understood and wouldn’t.

I feel like he made everything harder by sending that.

I know he said one day when he has had time we never know, but I obviously put a boundary up there. We can’t live in hope.

However, I love a rom com and secretly hope for a huge declaration of love on a snowy Christmas day, but the cynical pragmatist rears its head and reminds me reality isn’t a rom com and this is it 🤣😭

@LittleFloatingGhost
Sorry to hear your news
It's never easy, look after yourself.🤗🤗

I’m so sorry ❤️‍🩹 Sending big hugs.

I’ll be honest, I think he’ll try to come back. Men these days are scared of their own shadow, especially after the end of a big relationship/ divorce. They’re absolutely terrified. don’t think you’ve been played.

I’ve had it happen to me this year where a guy said he needed time and came back a few weeks later.

You’re probably better off knowing about their huge self doubt early on and putting a stop to things accordingly as opposed to getting stuck in some on and off dynamic.

Men just seem so emotionally broken and lacking confidence in sticking with women they really like these days. Not sure what the answer is!

I’ve had a similar weekend as my Mr WorkCrush started acting odd and then said he wasn’t sure about us having a future despite really liking me. Licking my wounds.

Look after yourself and stay busy, treat yourself and think about other things. Friends getting me out of the house have been a godsend this weekend.

So it’s date number five for me tomorrow, things have progressed from each date and she’s staying over tomorrow. We’ve already had the sex talk, both very open what we do and don’t like but to say i‘m nervous about tomorrow is a. Understatement!

any tips?!

I really like her, but struggle with the lack of communication her end. She has such a busy day to day life and I know I wilL never be her number one priority but sometimes we can go over 24 hours without any messages and it’s usually me who instigates them -

How much communication would you ideally like/ what’s your comms style? What’s keeping her busy? Does she seem emotionally available?

With sex… Depends on what she’s like. What’s your game plan?

If it was me I’d want to walk in the door and have lots of passion from minute one. But other women may want to have dinner and take it slower. If she’s a sexual person, definitely lots of cuddles, pillow talk, round 2 and 3. Feels nice to feel really wanted. Definitely make sure you have nice breakfast food in the house. Make her a nice tea/ coffee to bring to bed. That kind of thing is lovely, showing consideration for your guest, making sure she’s comfortable. But not over the top 😊

@LittleFloatingGhost - sorry to hear that

I had similar last year; a 5 month relationship & I had fallen for him, then he started blowing hot & cold, then finished it by WhatsApp message - which I thought was really shitty.

A friend of mine said: "just another avoidant bloke" and I guess she was right. The type who finishes things when it begins to get more serious.

I was too proud to contact him after that, and would never have taken him back after that. I suspect he had a bit of a pattern with that.

Be kind to yourself, lick your wounds & spend time with those who make you happy.

@LittleFloatingGhost so sorry to hear this. I've not been posting much as mostly only more dating misery from me but I've been lurking and had been feeling v happy for you so I'm so sorry to hear this. Had been feeling so glad for all of you that have positive dating stories to tell.

I agree with @ElleintheWoods he may well try and come back, sounds like he has got freaked out for whatever reason as it's got more serious. But best to know now rather than get caught up with someone with lots of baggage/ issues that they haven't worked through. You need to be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be as it's just really crap.

@LittleFloatingGhost I am full of admiration at your response. You accepted his decision, made it clear that you were hurt but set a firm boundary about contact. Meanwhile he is flaking about all over the place. Leave him to sort his shit out - if he does, all well and good and you can decide whether to trust him again, but if he doesn't then you are best off out of it.

That's a lovely written post, & so true, MargotMoon

@LittleFloatingGhost this happened to me a few times but i made peace with it by thinking whatever reason it was, they just werent 'my person' because i felt if it were meant to be, it wouldnt have been that hard.

My own 'Mr Local' had his own valid reason but did come back to me years later and we have been together almost a year now I do think unless there is cheating etc, timing can be a valid reason for splitting up. He and i didnt hate each other before so it was fine to reconnect and its been better than ever. Im not saying hold out for him but never say never.

@MargotMoon thank you 💛 that means so much. It also shows that the sound advice I received from this thread over the last two years has been empowering. Whilst it hurts, I’m so proud of my resilience, leaning into my feelings rather than running away, and clear boundaries.

And to everyone who has wished me the best, with ideas to keep busy and supported, it’s appreciated. Thank you 💛

Can I be nosy and ask why he pulled away, and why he came back, if you know the reasons? When you reconnected, was it obvious he wanted to get back together or did he work his way up from the friendzone?

I have it happen with almost all the guys I ever date, they reconnect either months or years later (to pre-empt, I've been settled down 12 years, so we're not talking a huge sample!). For example, that cute French guy I kissed age 21 is now single and gave me a follow on Insta?! Is that just what guys do, is that the MO of most men, reconnect with their exes and old flames periodically? And why?

I've done the opposite to @LittleFloatingGhost and have decided to just go straight back to being friends from Mr WorkCrush who broke my heart, mostly because we need to get on at work, and our situation was less advanced. He's started conversations with me daily last few days and I think that a) he's just a really nice guy that wants to make sure I'm ok. But... Could it be b) that door isn't as firmly sealed shut as I initially thought?

I don't think we would work out after what he said but it's an interesting place to be.

I'm now off to check out what the cute French boy (now presumably a man!) is up to!

@ElleintheWoods I think you should stick to the idea that it's A! It's very sensible to agree to be friends when you are also work colleagues because the alternative is an unprofessional/unproductive working relationship. Hopefully he is being kind to you for the same reason and not because he wants to leave the door open for further pulling on your heartstrings...

@ElleintheWoods It was something work related but he couldn't juggle everything mentally. My situation was also complex too so I was red flags galore. He came back as friends but after meeting, we knew the feelings were more. He made a conscious effort to not push the physical stuff to prove this was more than just a physical thing.

Yes, good point. Honestly I liked being friends with him more than the relationship as our friendship was really lovely, fun, warm and stress free, and I'd like that back please.

The time in between was pretty horrific, you know those looks you give someone when you feel broken, seeing them hurts you and you want space, but you also want them to be okay? Many of those looks were exchanged - I do not recommend this!

He is genuinely really lovely and we had a good conversation about how we both felt - I was pleasantly surprised at his self-awareness and honesty. So yes, I do feel he wants me to be ok and maybe misses our fun, easy banter, too.

I would offer his number out, he's easy on the eye too - except that he's nowhere near in a dating/ relationship-ready place in life!

@Realdeal1 interesting. Sometimes the reasons people give are genuine, aren't they? Not just something to cover up 'oh they met someone else' or 'just wanted a shag'. People say getting together with the 'right' person should be easy, but adult life is anything but sometimes. When I think of my major relationships, they didn't have that 'easy, intuitive' fairytale start and I struggled with that, but they were utimately solid. I'm pleased you're happy and it worked out 2nd time around 😊

@ElleintheWoods I hadn’t picked up that , I just thought you were talking things through. Makes sense about you being out of the house all weekend now though! Are you okay?

@ElleintheWoods I'm sure there are a lot of fake reasons so that's why I used to just let things go with a generic 'he clearly wasn't my person' view. I certainly wasn't ready years ago because my ex was causing issues and any man dating me, would have to have dealt with all that. Maybe deep down i wanted saving. It was only when that got resolved (when I was single), that I was almost a 'better' catch. I felt more confident that it wasn't me that was a problem.

To those feeling down, I also took a 2 year break from online dating because I was constantly feeling disappointed with men, and I wanted to focus on myself, family and friends. I had no desire to online date again and those 2 years were great! When my current partner resurfaced, he'd done the same, fixed his side, and we were ready to try again, on a more stable footing.

@Realdeal1 For sure, and that’s probably the best way to think. Some people will want to know specific reasons and often reasons are layered and complex. If it doesn’t feel right it doesn’t feel right. Or like you say, ‘they weren’t your person’.

Some friends have had a lot of anxiety around having to date a lot to meet someone or panicking that they never will, and think once you step away from that chasing like you describe, you can end up in a much better headspace.

@LittleFloatingGhost yes I’m ok, thanks, today’s a good day but a few last week weren’t. Something just doesn’t feel right with him, there’s a lot of fear and nerves on both sides all of a sudden, and I’m not sure there should be a need to talk things through so early on.

We’re speaking which is a positive, but he starts text conversations but doesn’t say a lot. I do wonder if there’s another ‘talk’ coming or if we can just work our way back to normal.

How are you feeling now? Anything that’s helping you not to think/ feel? 😊