Can I just comment that I haven't asked for any posts to be deleted - we all have agency and there is no right or wrong approach to anything, albeit what is right for ME may not fit people's idea or ideal of the 'correct' way to do it. Yes, I won't deny that sometimes I recoil when I read what some of you have written because it is acid-edged (the use of the word 'wallowing' I do think is unnecessarily judgemental), but you have as much right to despair of me that I do to plough my own furrow of approach to the agonising situation I find myself in. But the diversity of thought and opinion on this thread and so many others is one of the things that gives MN its magnificent strength; you all carry me on your shoulders irrespective if my weight is either a burden willingly accepted, or an irritant. Thank you.
I haven't found my anger yet but I'm not a particularly angry person and never have been; a capacity to see all sides of an argument or story might be a strength on many occasions, but it does mean that I am anchored - in fact probably mired - in exhaustion and haven't lit the blue touch paper of rage. I try to generate fury but I get a glimmer only when I think back over the months that OW cultivated access to my family. They hid in plain sight, what a fool I was. And I recall her making a rude comment about my weight and lack of fitness in the presence of my H which he claimed afterwards not to have heard, but I know for sure that he did. In retrospect, he was already in her camp and I was in the rear view mirror.
I loved that beautiful Camus quote, thank you, and have sent it to my youngest DD who is really suffering with all this. To reassure those who have asked, I have taken legal advice and I know where I stand financially. Rather as in 's* *situation, I don't need to rush into anything but I know I need to do something about my will and what might happen to my share of our assets should the Lord take me unto himself. In respect of the anti-depressants, I think I psyched myself out reading the insert slip and began to imagine that I was developing every possible side-effect listed, and I found the heart palpitations almost unbearable. All rather pathetic I know and I will discuss with the GP. I am not normally neurotic so I really don't like this lapse into hypochondria.
I'm taking the advice offered by so many of you to think only in terms of minutes and hours, as even looking ahead to tomorrow seems overwhelming sometimes. I sit on the board of a voluntary group who are soon to have their big annual fundraising and budget-setting planning meeting but earlier found myself unable to even open the attachments to the agenda as that would have meant focusing, and thinking, and deciding. Deciding! Deciding for me at the moment is the toss up between a can of Heinz Tomato Soup and a microwave meal, or even whether I can bear the feel of the water on my skin when I shower.
I hear from H once in a blue moon via text, never calls, and it's always about practical things relating to the house, such as booking a delivery of oil for the heating. He writes in a business-like way, again as if we have never been in any kind of relationship, never mind an intimate one. Simply extraordinary.
More positively, my lovely boss sent me a very kind note about the meeting and how pleased she was that I had not only been there, but managed to remain composed and was decisive when required. She said she felt that was 'progress'. Perhaps she is right, or perhaps my decision to act my way through it, like I was on the outside of me looking at my 'performance' convinced them all, despite my inner terror.