Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Sorry but you are not in this situation. I’ve known people say this and actually it’s not been the case when the separation has hit. Even getting out of a long relationship that I had actively not wanted to be in for several years, was a huge period of adjustment and a loss of a life and certainty as I knew it. It’s completely normal and not a character flaw to feel grief and be devestated. Some people go on and are happily single. Other people find a new relationship.

I have followed your story from the start but it was too hard to try as it was too scarily similar to me. It's now been 14 months since my lovely DH walked out on me after 24 and a bit years of marriage, completely out of the blue For another woman I don't need to write how I felt as you have described absolutely everything I have felt. So I will just say it does get better, and sometimes it can get worse and better to.
I no longer would have him back and that breaks my heart into little pieces because of what we had. Our life. Which he has thrown away I would never trust him again ever but it has taken me a year to get to this point.
I don't cry every day but I would be lieing if I said I don't still have major down episodes. All 3 of my boys have cut him off, not because if him leaving but how he's behaves towards me and them since. I think he genuinely thought once the dust had settled they would welcome him and his new fiancée with open arms. Yes new fiancée, despite not being divorced he got engaged to her the week before he left me!
My friends have been utterly amazing. Needed them more than ever. But I do know that existing rather than living feeling too well and the absolute shattering of the trust I had, never once doubted him in our entire life together. I to can't get over how dismissive he has been towards me, how cold and how much I feel completely discarded and replaced . Still do really but the difference is now I'm starting to live again.
You will to, the old cliche ....it just takes time.

This really isn’t helpful. Even if you think it is. I’d ask Mumsnet to remove this if I was you. It’s so patronising and really sticking the boot into someone when they’re already down. Shameful.

Oh for goodness sake you can switch emotions on and off as easy as that "long term DH cheats . but hey he's an arse so don't get that upset". How ridiculous. The ending of long term relationships is very much a grieving process, except you are grieving for someone who is actually still alive just not in your life anymore. And this takes time to grieve, it's not instantaneous!

Dear OP, I followed your first thread and now this one, and wish you nothing but the very best. You have inner resources to call on - just look how how you managed your work meeting - and you're learning to adjust to your perfidious H's treachery. I admire you immensely for your dignity and approach to the OWH.

This thread will be ending soon, please would you start a new one as you have many friends here who are concerned about you and want to keep supporting you.

@Pleasenotme - sending you love and strength..

OMG I can't believe you thought it was appropriate to write that.

This thread will be ending soon, please would you start a new one as you have many friends here who are concerned about you and want to keep supporting you.

We're only on page 19!

Oops! Thanks, 😁I looked again and it's actually 19 not 39 - specsavers moment!

I know the discussion has moved on but to answer the original question : they do sometimes come back. My dad left my mum when I was about 10yo, went to live with OW at the other end of the country, divorce ongoing, my sister and I went to see him every other weekend etc. i remember my mum crying and smoking a lot (it was the 90s)
He came back after 6m-1y (I think. Before the divorce was finalised). I have a memory of my mum hanging paper love hearts in the house when we were waiting for him to arrive - so I don’t think it was a case of him having to beg for her to take her back.
They stayed married for 30y after that, happily from what I know. My dad passed away recently but I remember him telling me over the years that he was lucky to have my mum, not speaking about the affair specifically (it was basically never mentioned again) but he was appreciative of all the small things she did for him that he might have taken for granted.

I think the OP could be a long time before her heart tells her this.

I would imagine she knows full well what a nasty piece of work he is now, but that doesn't stop her or anyone else that has been through this feeling shock, heartbreak and devastation.

When my father did this to mum after 25 years of marriage, I got angry with her for not just thinking ' good riddance' . As an adult I know there are feelings that you can't just switch off.

It is understandable you want him back. You're still in shock. I hope the anger comes soon 🤞
If you aren't eating properly maybe take a multi vitamin if you aren't already? Try to eat healthy snacks, nuts etc. You need your energy and not to become unwell.

How ridiculous to have got my post deleted - there was nothing offensive about it.

It's never a good idea to invest all your ideas of happiness and contentment on another person, and 35 years is a very long time for even the best of relationships to stay fresh and fulfilling.

I don't believe in the idea of a 'love of your life' - life is not a Disney movie. We have relationships, some good, some bad, some great, but there is no one sole person in the world that is 'meant' for us.

It can be very fruitful and rewarding for women in mid- and later life to regain their freedom and find a new lease of life, in fact that is often what happens when people divorce in later life!

I think all the wallowing and begging for someone who is behaving terribly to come back is very unhealthy and I'm amazed that the majority of women here are encouraging it.

Wishing you all the best @Pleasenotme and for happiness in the future whatever the outcome . You take care 🌷

Christmas is probably too overwhelming to think about but could you ask an adult child to take lead. Sometimes young adults just don’t think. I wouldn’t contemplate him coming over.

@bulb34 do you feel better now? Why are you insisting on having a dig?

@bulb34 agree with you on this. I can absolutely understand that the OP is in utter shock and is hurt. But, I can't understand putting anyone in charge of my happiness and mental wellbeing and worse to hope that they return. I hope with all my heart that the OP recovers and goes on to have the happy life she deserves.

It's not a dig. It's me saying this is not necessarily the disaster the OP thinks it is.

@bulb34 hasn't it only been a few weeks? Some people never recover from splits. Op is doing well going to work and especially a meeting.

Have you gone through this yourself?

How ridiculous to have got my post deleted - there was nothing offensive about it.

It was rude. And unhelpful. As is this message that you’ve posted too. Don’t throw your toys out of the pram.

It’s obvious that the OP is clearly devastated, in absolute despair and is going through a grieving process. Did you read her previous thread? Did you read any of her replies? She’s being incredibly vulnerable and honest and just needs support. Your posts are not supportive. It’s obviously you have absolutely no empathy so I’m not sure why you even posted in the first place?

This is all very raw and sudden to the OP. This only happened a matter a weeks ago. And you’re expecting her to dust herself down and run off “into the sunset” or whatever nonsense it was you posted previously.

Getting over infidelity can take months if not years. Cut the OP some fucking slack.

Absolutely no one on this thread has encouraged her to wallow and beg for him back. We are simply empathising with her and can understand why she’s done it.

I agree 100% with this.

I wouldn't have agreed with this in 1990 when I thought my world had ended

I've learned so much since then

However , the learning can be hard and the desire to go back to the emotional safety of what we have known for so long, is very very powerful

I think using that powerful desire to try to restart the past ......to at least get up and out and "fighting" ..... is putting that desire to use as a starting point of recovery

OP this was me 10 years ago, I had to have hypnotherapy weekly just to trick my brain into surviving another week. I genuinely didn’t know how eat, sleep or breathe without him and never thought i’d be happy again.

Fast forward and i’m the happiest i’ve ever been - WITHOUT him. I scoured the internet for days trying to find some magic spell to make him want me back, I would have done anything. I’m so glad he never came back (he tried years later, because they always come back but by then you will be a different person).

I promise you WILL survive this, look how far you’ve come already when I bet you didn’t even think you’d made it through that first night.

Pain is only temporary, fake your happiness everyday just to get through, then one day you’ll realise that you’re actually not faking it anymore x

I agree that the husband is an arsehole and that the desire to have him back is understandable but ridiculous. I’d like to know where the OP‘s friends are and what they’re saying.

Well I don't agree. My posts are perhaps blunt but not rude. This is an anonymous internet forum and none of us are friends. I don't understand this need to police the tone of people's posts, unless they are actually offensive. You think the OP should just get the equivalent of a 'there there' from everyone here, but I disagree. I think she is wallowing and it's unhealthy. I think it would be understandable if it was only a few years into the marriage or there were young children but after such a long time...if he has checked out, cut your losses and move on.

i do you think the title, endless winter is a little bit histrionic

No, it's an appropriate metaphor for how the OP is feeling. Not exaggerated or histrionic.