Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

You write so beautifully OP yours words are so full of genuine emotion. I hope you are finding it helpful to put your thoughts down on the page.
We are all different, there are those who can put on their big girl pants and cope, and those who are so utterly crushed that just existing for another day is a challenge.
But no one should expect you to be anything other than who you are.
You sound like a kind, loving, thoughtful person, be proud of that, be proud of how far you’ve come, be proud of every day that you’ve survived so far.
I really feel invested in you, in following your progress, so do keep writing.

I must say I resonate with a previous poster about never telling my story . Although it’s been over 10 years it’s best kept locked hidden in a box . Probably self preservation!

I am so happy you made into work for a presentation -what an achievement. I am fully aware it was stressful and an ordeal but you did an amazing job .

In my case the stress was not in the immediate aftermath of him leaving . It was the after bit going to see the solicitor it just made everything so real . I used to pinch myself and say “oh right this is real life and not a dream after all .”

I trusted this man 100 % how could he do this . I also got the business like formal texts -I can laugh now but then it was awful .

How I survived pure shock of it all and the next 6 years full on bombarding solicitor drama I don’t know .

I went to court twice . I didn’t give up .

My health suffered terribly -Don’t know how my hair didn’t go pure white with shock but I got through it .

I went through 3 solicitors each one better than the last as time went on . The first one said she felt sorry for me . Did tell me to sort a will out so at least I got that right . I had no money of my own as a SAHM . I felt so niave and silly for trusting him and dealing with the finances -Never ever again . There is a silver lining I suppose .

Sending you love OP. You sound such a lovely person. He’s a bloody fool and one day , probably quite soon, he’s going to realise that.

@Pleasenotme so sorry you are going through this.
You've done so well with your meeting.
As I reflect back on your earlier posts you do sound different, you sound more levelheaded than your initial posts.
I hope you are getting support from friends and DC. Keep on, keeping on x

Sounds like you are making progress OP.

Sometimes we can't see it ourselves but even the little things like you mentioned are a massive step forward. Please try and hold on to that. You wouldn't have been to attend a meeting two days after he left, but now you can. That is progress.

@bulb34
I agree that too often comments are deleted if they don't conform to the majority.
We all have different opinions and things what is good about this forum.
I've had a few deleted on other threads and wonder why it bothers ppl to do this.
If OP was my friend I'd be very concerned that she would take him back, it opens you up to abuse.

OP, you write beautifully. I hope the act of writing it all down helps. My best friend’s mum was in your shoes a number of years ago, and it absolutely broke her at first. But her endless winter did at some point turn into spring and she’s ok now. Her children see a lot of her, and very little of her ex so she has their support whereas he has none.

I like the saying ‘it will be ok in the end, and if if’s not ok, it’s not the end. You just have to get through this awful bit, but it won’t be like this forever, our minds can’t cope with extreme emotion for that long, and things do settle.

Wow the "OW" will get a kick in the arse from karma one day! What a disgusting person to comment on another person's weight or fitness. She really thinks she's above everyone else 😡

For your sake OP I wish your H had rented somewhere and moved in with the OW.
The way it is at present, especially with him drifting in and out of the marital home, keeps you guessing at his intentions.
I can't quite recall who he's staying with, his brother? All I know is men like their creature comforts, so that's unlikely to last all winter.

@AmberAlert86 I agree, and I think she'll get a nasty shock when everything comes out and ppl judge her. Her husband could well turn completely against her, and who would blame him.

@Pleasenotme Wonderful to know you are still ''keeping going''..I like many others do think of you...sometimes I think at odd times of day and in the still of the night ''I hope Pleasenotme is still alive and finding her inner strength''

As to ''hiding in plain sight'' A relative had {is having} an affair with a friend of both him and his wife- it's pretty upsetting to say the very least.

Has been going on for 5 years.

He has moved out into a small mortgaged flat. {Can't be more outing than that} but it was devastating for his wife and DC.

The DC have definitely suffered emotionally.

How could they not?

Very glad to see you are ''Holding Fast'' to your home, and hopefully have enough oil to last the winter.

Sometimes when we are so overwhelmed by pain it can be that a large percentage of this is actually caused by what happened before - perhaps in our childhood & therefore I wonder if this might be what is happening to you at this time.

There is a book about it of course but it is hard reading - even if you only do it a bit at a time. It will however arm you against any future pain ever again.

'If it hurt's it isn't love' by Chuck Spezzano

The idea is that it's not love that is causing you this pain & that in fact love cannot cause pain - it's more your depths of grief from losing the man you thought your DH was.

We can be reminded & reminded again because its so easy to forget but here we have a choice - we can choose to suffer the pain or we can decide in teeny tiny moments that love is warm & good & you are still loved, we are loved - even if the man we wanted to love us suddenly decides he doesn't.

@WeAreWhereWeAre ..I know! the confounded audacity! Crying and sobbing down the landline!

While WE were sobbing , they didn't care!

I remember that scene so clearly, the half darkness, thinking at first it was a prank call, but something about the ''urghhSNIFF'' sounded familiar.

I said ''Is that YOU, Ex ?'' he just muffled a ''mhhhSNIFF''

For a fleeting moment I was worried that he might do something silly, {Didn't want son to be fatherless} gave him the phone number of a mutual friend, and told him to phone her.

He did.

Seemed it unravelled pretty fast for various reasons. {don't want to be too outing}.

Holy moly!!!!

Just googled the OW's address, on google maps, and there she is, with face blotted out, gawking at the google camera with a small dog !

Well done for attending the meeting when things are so hard right now. There are five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They do not always come in order. Try to take joy in little things each day - the autumn colours in the leaves, the sun shining, a book, a tv programme, a puzzle etc. Little goals and little steps. Try to stay strong for your children and for yourself. The grief will get easier in time! 🌺

There is something very 19th century romance novel about your writing style. Is this the first time you’ve experienced heartbreak? You remind me of me as a late teen/early 20s young woman- really extreme emotions.

You get one life, don’t waste too much of it entrenched in sadness over a man who really isn’t worth it. You’ll be fine, you’re clearly an intelligent woman with lovely kids and a career. You don’t need him.

What a patronising, flippant and completely unhelpful thing to say.

The OP has been incredibly articulate and describes viscerally the pain she is, understandably, in due to the callousness she has experienced from the man she loved and built a life with for decades. There is nothing teenage about her emotions, what an odd thing for you to comment.

OP: You are fabulous. Every moment is a moment closer to feeling better, every moment the horror of the situation is moving into the past. You will get through this!

The ‘horror’- utter hyperbole. Nobody died for god’s sake. And I’m not being patronising. It’s an observation. Sometimes, perspective can be helpful. I’m not being unkind.

Self reflection is also helpful. I suggest you practice that as your comment is indeed unkind and adds absolutely nothing to this thread.

I did a similar thing and calmly told him to speak to his uncle. I’m the ExW not your therapist!

ExH is still with her 12yrs on.

I actually get on really well with the OW. We have a good laugh whenever we meet and if she hadn’t been the OW I’d definitely want her in my friendship group. And I’d much rather deal with her with arrangements for the kids than him.

We were recently all together for DD1’s big party, the OW told me they’d had a blazing row that morning about something so trivial that it made me really appreciate her for taking a complete AH off my hands!

I disagree. It’s ok for people to have different opinions, I’m sure the op doesn’t need you policing her thread. If you think anything I have said is cruel, report my post.

Your post is just unhelpful. It doesn’t help op and clearly other people feel it’s an unnecessary comment to make about writing style and not ever having your heart broken. Heart break in the teenage years is usually recoverable after a few weeks … heartbreak in adulthood after a long established, happy partnership with a home and dc is something else. See things in perspective here.

I always think the first time is the worst and most people sort of toughen up in adulthood. That’s why I asked the question. If you’ve not been through it you don’t realise that the sad feelings fade.

It does need putting into perspective- it might not be advice you’d want but nevertheless it is good advice, in my opinion.

Did you even read my whole initial first post? How do you know how the op feels about my post? Some weird, almost territorial posters, on here.

Strange how things work out.
The OW in my case was unpleasant, and nasty to me and son.

But his third wife I don't have any issues with- she told me things and he really hasn't fundamentally changed at all! 😆.

I do sincerely hope that OP can find a place of calm eventually,{It takes years} where she can look back without anger, or too much pain.

Just wanted to wish you strength OP. I could not afford to buy my former partner out either, and I loved the house. What cured me of this was viewing pics of the house after a BTL landlord bought it and advertised it for rental. Seeing my lovely former home stripped to the bones of everything that made it homely, spurred me on to look for something more affordable. I've had to move twice since, but was grateful to buy something affordable with no mortgage. Best wishes, and thankyou for sharing, your thread is helping others.

@oakleaffy I almost feel sorry for the OW now. Because she has to put up with him!

Knowing that three kids were involved (14wks, 2 and 6) her mother told her that she had to make the relationship work. And she does - but at what cost to her? ExH can be really vile.

I’m so happy with DP. I would never, ever, even if it came with a Euromillions win, take back my ExH.

I really hope OP gets to that point. He doesn’t deserve her.