Hello everyone, I haven't stepped away, I'm still here but have been really unwell to the point of near-hospitalisation with pneumonia. It has been grim but for the first time in days I'm feeling slightly better. Thank you for the kindnesses expressed in so many lovely messages on this thread and I'm sorry I haven't been posting.
To update in terms of the car crash that is my life at present, my H was furious with me but has backed off, for now, on insisting that we put the house on the market. We have had the formal valuations and they are not too dissimilar to the verbal estimates at the time of the estate agents visiting but it is still surreal to see them in writing. As some of you have mentioned, until we get an agreed financial settlement, or in a worst case scenario, a Judge's direction, then there is no rush to sell. And the idea of doing so is still anathema to me and to the DC. H did challenge me to buy him out; he knows I can't possibly afford that route so I'm not sure what his game is. Perhaps he has started to feel a twinge of conscience about the DC, who knows? The Will situation is currently in hand and I have amended my pension beneficiary details so it goes to the DC in the event of my demise. I have spoken again to my friend's husband, the SH lawyer so am receiving good (and free...) advice.
H has seen a little more of the DC although youngest DD still refuses to meet up with him. The imminence of Christmas is causing some angst because it will be the first time we haven't been together as a family, and eldest DD has suggested we invite him for lunch. I am fine about that, indeed would love him to be here, so it will be interesting to see what his response will be. I don't know what he will do if he doesn't come here as his sister always goes to stay with friends from her uni days in Europe and I can't imagine they will invite him, and if they did, I don't think he would particularly want to go. Perhaps he has other options.
I saw the OW at a distance yesterday across a car park when I went out to pick up a prescription. She was doing battle with her youngest who was having a spectacular tantrum; cheered me up no end. She didn't see me, I don't think, as I suspect she would have sprinted away if she had. I'm glad she didn't get up close and personal with me as I am still channelling Worzel Gummidge, incredibly so having been so darned ill. I can't remember if I have already mentioned it, but I did send her a message telling her that I looked forward to chatting to her DH about 'the situation'. Nothing specific or pointed, just that. Hopefully she is sweating on my doing so. That cheers me up too.
That said, there has been no further mention from H about proceeding with a divorce but - if I must be fair to him - he knows how ill I have been and perhaps found some sliver of remorse. Or perhaps he was just hoping I'd shuffle off this mortal coil, thereby relieving him of any further divorce bureaucracy. However, in an odd development, he did send me flowers at the height of my illness, with an impersonal note wishing me a swift recovery.I'm still not sure what to make of that one.
And to those who are still interested, no, I haven't found my anger and if anything I feel more flattened, sometimes verging on emotionless. It's bizarre as I have always been a pretty animated personality but now I just go through the motions. I went back to work today and have been faced with a barrage of emails and tasks but I'm still a bit woolly-minded so need to make copious notes as I otherwise forget things almost instantly. Fab best friend tells me 'it's an age thing'. I dunno. I think it's an 'all too much to cope with at the moment' thing. Or just reflects my epic levels of disinterest in the daily grind. I still cry, but not as often, and have discovered that burying my face in the cat's fur as I do, much to her indignation, is strangely comforting. Such a childish, child-like thing to do.
And yes, I still miss him. Yes, I still love him. It's all such a cliche, isn't it. A friend I haven't seen in a while got in touch last week to tell me her DH has done exactly the same but unlike my H, has moved in with the OW who has left both her husband and her youngish children. Horrible.