Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

there are 2 sides to every story

If he was dissatisfied in their marriage, he could have broached that and tried to resolve the reasons. If it couldn't be resolved, he could have left.

He did neither of those things.

He cheated, and with a married woman who has young kids.
When their affair reached the point that they felt they wanted to leave their respective partners (partners who'd been left in the dark and whose agency they'd stolen from them), he left ...and she's apparently waiting for him to provide accommodation before she leaves her duped husband.

We don't need to know anything else about his narrative.
Sometimes the facts speak for themselves.

His behaviour, against his spouse of 35 years , is not justified.

Anyway, he's just a typical mid life crisis dickhead.
After a few weeks of his AP's poorly behaved very young kids (and when he's shagged her enough times for the novelty to wear off) - he'll probably be rethinking his decision. Though I doubt he'll be re thinking in terms of returning to the op; not if he can pull another younger woman he fancies.

No, I've never been an OW and well aware of The Script that is always talked about on MN.

"The Script" isn't a MN invention. If you're well aware of it, and if you have any compassion, you'll understand the OP's reactions to what is currently happening to her.
You actually lack compassion, though. It's very unhelpful to a woman who is still suicidal.

I am just saying that there are two sides to every story, and we have only heard OP's

Yes. We've heard the OP's story and we're supporting her through the nightmare.
We do not need to hear the ex's version. He isn't the one phoning Samaritans, sobbing to friends and visiting the doctor for medication.

By this forum's very nature, we've only heard @Pleasenotme's story.

We are trying to help her.
The ex does not need our help. And I'm not interested in hearing what he has to say, because his true character has come out now, and it's utterly unbearable for the OP.

@Whatachliche thank you so much for taking the time to post on this thread.
I was thinking very much of you when the OP first posted.

And to the MRAs who have appeared and derailed this thread....... just go away.
We know your agenda and we won't let the OP be bullied by you.
You have literally nothing useful to add to this thread.

I agree with this 100%!

it seems that a lot of strangers are drooling and cant wait for the next installment in this womens life

I've only seen a lot of strangers trying to support a devastated woman, both with emotional support and practical advice.

Not selling her home 7 weeks after her husband left her, with no divorce settlement even begun. ... because he wants to ...is among the pieces of sensible practical advice

Posters can see she's being pushed around and he's trying to walk over her avd they may be getting ruled up and defiant on her behalf.

But the vast majority of posts on these threads have been incredibly supportive, sympathetic etc..

I actually wonder at your mindset for saying what you said about the drooling etc.

Same with your mindset for excusing cheaters and being so keen to emphasise what his "side" of the story is.

It doesn't matter what their side is .....

No-one has to cheat.

(And he's a double cheater, because he's cheated on his wife of decades ....with a woman who's cheating on her husband, with young kids involved).

What's an MRA?

Men's Rights Activist

OP As awful as this is I think you should A- get some legal advice before house is sold.
B- Actually he's showing you how he intends to be & so now I would tell the OW husband.

I have to wonder if the MRA's going on about the h's side of the story would be so keen to do that if they were the husband of the other woman.

How would you like that, guys?
You married and had two kids with a woman (I know you'll "never marry, blah blah" but let's just pretend), your kids are under 5/6. She's been bonding with and fucking another guy behind your back, an older guy whose kids are more or less grown up and who's decided to discard his wife of 35 years ...and she's just announced she's leaving you.

You're now going to split your kids at the very most 50-50, they'll grow up in two households, they'll have a step father whom their mother cheated on you with, he'll have access to & influence over your kids, they didn't choose any of this, you didn't choose any of this, you may have to pay child maintenance if you can't do 50-50; child maintenance that goes into your cheating ex"s household finances with her affair partner.
If you've had any sex since they started their affair, your dick was in her after another man's, she knew (and he knew) but they were happy to make a duped cuckold out of you.
I could go on...

Now, tell me all the reasons we should think about this man's side of the story and his dissatisfaction in his marriage etc.

All of which he could have dealt with by leaving, without cheating on his wife and cheating with your wife.

Not selling her home 7 weeks after her husband left her, with no divorce settlement even begun. ... because he wants to ...is among the pieces of sensible practical advice

This is such good advice. When we separated my husband blew a huge amount of money because as his lawyer told him “A spent pound, won’t be shared”. He spent so much, and then got half of the remaining assets.

I think the one thing we can all agree OP does not owe her ex is “Only actions which are pleasing to him.”
She should minimize the assets which he has access to, so that they are not frittered.

I so agree with telling the OWs husband

I have mentioned it a couple of times before, but it seems that the OP doesn't want to piss her husband off, in case he decides to come back to her

I just feel so sorry for the OWs husband

I wonder if a friend of the OP could tell the OWs husband?

The similarities did touch me very much. I am gobsmacked how clearly I can see @Pleasenotme situation, the betrayal abuse she is subjected to and how OP doesn't see her own power. How heavy the fog is, so she cannot see that she will thrive and that he is holding no power legally over her, in terms of the house sale. I can see how clear cut the situation is, how abusive infidelity is (you can not cheat without gaslighting, and gaslighting is recognised as abuse in the DSM)

And yet, in my own very similar situation I felt like the OP. I still do sometimes. The lack of anger, the hurt, the void of reality - it feels like being buried alive. I still cannot see fully through the fog in my own situation, not with my heart at least, of course my head now understands the mechanics.

It is that thanks to people like you @TheShellBeach that I am likely to keep my property post divorce - without the clear voices on MN I would not have seen a solicitor that early, I would have missed crucial timings to seek the right advice early on. I would have missed the boat in having a SHL advise me financially and making sure to put certain legal documents in place which were unique to my situation. I wouldn't have gone to seek proof of the affair(s) without my thread. Strangers in the internet gave me strength at 4am when I thought I cannot go on.

OP. Please ignore the comments from @PerfectStorm00
Their 'advice' is factually incorrect and should be disregarded.

We might have only heard one side of this story but assuming OP or her marriage are to blame for her husband’s infidelity is plain wrong.
The common denominator in cheating cases is only the people who choose to do it. Cheating is not caused by an unhappy marriage, or a happy marriage, or menopause or old age or other things cited as causes of infidelity. Not everyone in any of these circumstances automatically cheats.
Cheating is only ever caused by one spouse’s decision to lie, betray and break their vows as a response to their issues as they perceive them.
He is responsible for bringing a third party into the marriage, nobody forced him, he chose to.
People choose to do wrong: an unlocked car isn’t responsible for the thief’s choice to steal it. They could choose not to. A faulty alarm clock isn’t to blame for the speeding fine incurred because the driver was late for work. The driver could choose not to speed.
Where other options are available for dealing honourably with a situation, being dishonourable is a personal choice. Nobody and nothing else is to blame.
@Pleasenotme do not listen to guff suggesting blame attached to you and your marriage for your husband’s immoral behaviour, he chose it, he had other options, nobody held a gun to his head.

You can get high strength iron tablets from a pharmacy, you have to ask as they are behind the counter, one type is 200mg ferrous sulphate. A PP suggested collagen powder, I use it and it's stopped my hair snapping

Have you ever been in a lingerie department, where an elderly bloke is watching you looking at bras? As you take one off the rail, his eyes move from the bra to your chest area. Then his fixed gaze is interrupted by his wife in the cubicle calling him.
I stopped going in JLP lingerie dept for that very reason. They hang around the dressing rooms in Marks as well, sitting on the sofas far to close to changing rooms. Their wives ignorant that they are not only there to tell her, "no, your bum does not look big in that", but to gawp at women's world.

I came close to complaining that men in my space were not welcome, I don't go in theirs. It's that same discomfort I'm feeling now.

Not my husband, brother or my father would have been seen dead in such places and they would be suspicious of any man that was.

That post is so full of inaccuracies, it's risible.

Perhaps how he treated OP all their married life. remember the untidy cupboard he complained about?

In long marriages, both working and raising children, a remark made about an untidy cupboard, passes over your head.
Most likely, the sight of his dirty pants cast off to the floor each night, passes through your mind. Nah, let it go. Only to find, many years later that it's been brought out again as evidence the marriage has failed!

You have to wonder just where he's stored it all those years, waiting for his moment to resurrect it. Maybe it was in the untidy cupboard all along.

Oh shat up.

We are perfectly aware of the legal implications and we don't need you to mansplain them.

What is accurate is that @Pleasenotme husband will regret what he has done.
The grass is not greener.
But he has given her a gift that she will soon recognise.
The gift of her freedom, life and happiness.
He will end up a miserable git exactly what he deserves at all levels.

So piss off with your advice.

This message is not for you @Bestyearever2024 but the poster you quoted. Who i can't identify.

I've said enough. While I'm seeing the legal implications, OP's heart hasn't moved on yet. There are some other financial implications to be aware of, but OP isn't ready.
Most posters have guided OP in the right direction, which of course she can check with other sources when the time comes.

Yes, I agree wholeheartedly about the timing of this.@Pleasenotme is not even 2 months away from this shock. Of course in the fullness of time, practicalities need to be looked at but no one in their right mind would be ready for that yet.

Sadly this is true.

They allow men in women's changing rooms & dogs sniffing about the clothes. It's a disgrace

It's how I feel when a man intrudes on a thread such as this one. Wrong place for you, go away.