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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 21/09/2024 16:53

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
DeepRoseFish · 10/11/2024 02:19

PerfectStorm00 · 10/11/2024 01:59

So its "bullying" to point out that playing games with Estate Agents "pretend you're out when buyers arrive!" "cancel viewings, leave the house a mess!" "if you get any offers reject them!" Interesting....

I'll add that to the list of words twisted to win points on the internet...

Shock, devastation, any emotion you care to mention does not give OP the right to deliberately thwart the husband's right to access his share of the joint assets and following the frankly unhinged advice on here to do that will only make the OP look unhinged.

He has no “right” currently to sell the house without her permission.

Pipsquiggle · 10/11/2024 06:38

PerfectStorm00 · 10/11/2024 01:34

So its "greedy and grasping" for the husband to want his share of the joint assets? Interesting..... Of course if roles were reversed it would be a completely different story. The man hating hypocrisy on MN never stops...

And "slowing things down" for the OP to come to terms includes playing games with the Estate Agents, interested buyers etc? Petty and childish won't make the OP the victor.

Edited

@PerfectStorm00
Just bore off will you. You are talking shite.
No OP should definitely NOT put the house on the market just because her 'D'H wishes to get it sold.
I don't even think OP has had legal advice yet.

Nothing should be sold, particularly the largest asset, without full financial transparency on both sides.
It might be possible for the OP to remain in the house if she wishes - but none of us know that at the moment, including @Pleasenotme .
This is all part of the legal negotiations that need to take place and play out.
OP needs to get a solicitor before putting the house on the market - any other advice is just bollocks.

Bestyearever2024 · 10/11/2024 07:16

Shock, devastation, any emotion you care to mention does not give OP the right to deliberately thwart the husband's right to access his share of the joint assets and following the frankly unhinged advice on here to do that will only make the OP look unhinged

The husband has made his choices about the marriage and the OP. He has left her and isn't coming back

The finances now need to be sorted out and as part of that process, the house needs to be sold

The OP can now make her choices as to how the financial/divorce proceedings move along

Of course she can choose to delay and hold up the financial and divorce process

Just as the husband can choose to end the marriage and walk away

Two people, making choices, for themselves, and for their best interests

PiggyPigalle · 10/11/2024 07:44

PerfectStorm00 · 10/11/2024 01:52

The leaving of a marriage, for any reason, at any time, by any person is NOT "gaslighting" and you trying to distort the true meaning of that word to score a "point" on the internet is vile.

As for using OP like a puppy mill - more unsubstantiated hyperbole - I'd like to see your evidence that the husband embarked on married life 35 years ago with that objective? People change, none of us are the same people we were 10 years ago, and certainly not 30 - he wants something different now.

Everyone knows there is a legal process around divorce - so we don't need you to patronisingly womansplain this to us or split hairs about percentages etc 🙄 just so you can try and win another internet "point".

Quite obviously my post was correct, it IS bad form and bad advice for the OP to use hurt feelings as a weapon, or the house as ransom, she will just end up looking petty and pathetic, the husband will still get his lawful share in the end.

Only you have suggested that OP is using her feelings or assets as weapons.
The fact remains that she has every right to live in the marital home, just as her husband has, until the court orders otherwise. No matter what her railroading husband tells her!

You must have been sorely hurt by your female partner to show your wounds on Mumsnet.
I've never been tempted to go on Piston Heads and do the same.

"If either spouse refuses to leave the marital home prior to any court settlement, it is generally not possible to force through a house sale.
It will be necessary to wait until a formal settlement has been reached and ideally approved by the court with a consent order."
www,divorce-online.co.uk

Financial Consent Orders

Discover why getting a consent order is a crucial step in safeguarding your assets and financial stability after divorce.

https://www.divorce-online.co.uk/finances/consent-orders/

PiggyPigalle · 10/11/2024 07:50

TheShellBeach · 09/11/2024 23:44

The husband does not owe her "time" or any other intangible. OP on the other hand, owes her husband 50% of their joint house that she is currently trying to withhold from him

If you'd RTFT you'd know that the OP is actually not trying to withhold anything from her ex.

She's fully prepared to do anything he asks. Foolishly, IMO.

Other posters are advising her to slow down, so that she and her children are not taken advantage of by her greedy, grasping ex.

Edited

Maybe she will owe him just 25%. That would stick in your craw eh PerfectStorm00

TheAverageJoanne · 10/11/2024 08:00

@PerfectStorm00 Why is it right that he just buggers off and the op has all the responsibility of dealing with estate agents, showing perspective buyers round etc while he does exactly what he wants? She's not his bloody secretary. Why should he not do this?

Interlaken · 10/11/2024 08:05

What I learned, at my own cost, during my divorce is that there is no playing games- there is only negotiation. Similarly, there is no concept of greedy or grasping only negotiation.

If it suits OP to sell now, then she can agree. If not, then don’t.
Her spouse has options open to him to make the divorce happen faster too.
That’s why it is a negotiation.

She needs to be icy cold on this.

Bestyearever2024 · 10/11/2024 08:12

TheAverageJoanne · 10/11/2024 08:00

@PerfectStorm00 Why is it right that he just buggers off and the op has all the responsibility of dealing with estate agents, showing perspective buyers round etc while he does exactly what he wants? She's not his bloody secretary. Why should he not do this?

I think because he doesn't live in the family home any more and it's upsetting for the OP when he turns up and is cold and unpleasant

The OP still wants this man back. (Last I heard) so too much contact with him, is painful for her

It's better that the OP deals with EAs etc

In her own time

Devilsadvocat · 10/11/2024 08:40

I would love to hear the Husbands version of events. Why has he had an affair if his marriage was so great and why had he gone from loving perfect husband to unfeeling bastard. Was the marriage as good as OP thinks it was.

DaphneduM · 10/11/2024 08:51

Hi OP, so sorry you're in this terrible situation - heartbreaking for you. Just wanted to add a couple of things - one very superficial, one not!!!

Regarding your hair loss try the Champo Pitta range - it's amazing, myself and my friend have used it with great success - the Pitta growth serum that you massage in your scalp is very effective indeed.

Thinking about you selling your beloved family home struck a chord with me as I had to do exactly the same, many years ago now. Like you, I loved my house and it was to me a wonderful home - and I felt it was also a huge achievement too as it was a very nice house in a good area. But - once it's all done, you absolutely will feel better - it will be a fresh start, and you will still have your children, most importantly, but also your own possessions around you to make a new home.

It is a grieving process, and of course you're only at the first stage. Well done for you to manage to still keep your professional life going successfully. Recognition from the top boss is great! You're a legend, OP - you will get there, it's all of course so traumatic, but you will be OK, I can promise you. In the meantime, keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other - bless you xxxx

Pipsquiggle · 10/11/2024 08:56

Bestyearever2024 · 10/11/2024 08:12

I think because he doesn't live in the family home any more and it's upsetting for the OP when he turns up and is cold and unpleasant

The OP still wants this man back. (Last I heard) so too much contact with him, is painful for her

It's better that the OP deals with EAs etc

In her own time

@Bestyearever2024
But the OP's H has NO right to unilaterally say 'the house must be put on the market now and must be sold ASAP'

@Pleasenotme needs to get legal advice pronto. She's just going along with his demands as she is still grieving the end of the relationship. She has admitted that she would like him to come back so is just hoping that acquiescing to him will put her in a 'good light' and he'll realise his mistake. This won't work.

Bestyearever2024 · 10/11/2024 09:16

Pipsquiggle · 10/11/2024 08:56

@Bestyearever2024
But the OP's H has NO right to unilaterally say 'the house must be put on the market now and must be sold ASAP'

@Pleasenotme needs to get legal advice pronto. She's just going along with his demands as she is still grieving the end of the relationship. She has admitted that she would like him to come back so is just hoping that acquiescing to him will put her in a 'good light' and he'll realise his mistake. This won't work.

Of course the husband can't unilaterally sell a house which is in joint names

I'm sorry if I expressed myself badly

Ultimately the house will have to be sold or one owner buy the other out

I'm suggesting that at the stage that the OP is ready for EAs to value the house, she deals with the EAs as seeing her husband is upsetting for her as she still wants him back and he is cold and unpleasant towards her

Ivorymoon · 10/11/2024 09:32

PerfectStorm00 · 10/11/2024 01:59

So its "bullying" to point out that playing games with Estate Agents "pretend you're out when buyers arrive!" "cancel viewings, leave the house a mess!" "if you get any offers reject them!" Interesting....

I'll add that to the list of words twisted to win points on the internet...

Shock, devastation, any emotion you care to mention does not give OP the right to deliberately thwart the husband's right to access his share of the joint assets and following the frankly unhinged advice on here to do that will only make the OP look unhinged.

Are you the husband? You seem incredibly agitated about something that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

HazelPlayer · 10/11/2024 09:33

Why has he had an affair if his marriage was so great

The solution if your marriage is not great is to try to resolve what is making it not great, and if you can't; it's to leave.

Not have an affair, and with another married person with young kids themselves ....thereby shitting all over other innocent people's lives, as well as that of your own spouse and kids.

He's doubly immoral.

Don't try to cast him as anything but immoral.

Anyway, he just sounds like a typical mid life crisis, selfish dickhead whose head's been turned.
No "not great" marriage.

A little while being properly involved with his younger woman and her badly behaved under 6 kids ..and he'll probably be off again.

The op can sell the house when it suits her, not when he rushes it through - so he can have his own place for his other woman to move directly into from her home with her husband (who still apparently knows nothing).

It's not in the op's interests to sell without significant advice and a full financial settlement as part of the divorce.

The selfish, immoral shit who thinks she's a door mat that he will dictate to; needs put back in his box on that front.

HazelPlayer · 10/11/2024 09:53

Why has he had an affair if his marriage was so great

Oh and just to point out that there is such incredible naiveté about thinking people only have affairs because they're in "bad" marriages.

Loads of people, most commonly men it seems, have affairs and then beg, on their knees, to stay in their marriage. Loads of men will admit privately that there's nothing wrong with their marriage but they want some extra on the side. Loads of people will appear to subscribe to monogamy, in order to get the benefits of monogamy and fit into our society...with no true belief in it or requirement of it for themselves.

So the idea that people have affairs because there is something missing or wrong ....totally ignores the nature of a lot of humans, including their lack of integrity, utter selfishness, double standards and entitlement etc.

In the type of case scenario here, some men will dump their spouse/partner when she passes menopause. Some will dump their spouse/partner when they get bored shagging them. Some men will prioritise sexual attraction and their sex life above almost everything else. If they get a solid opportunity with a younger woman, whom they haven't gotten bored shagging for decades; they're off.
Their looming late middle age is another factor in that. They can't face the idea of themselves as middle aged, as a relatively soon to be Grandad, as their life being "over" in terms of the mating game etc. If they get the chance with a younger woman to feel they're still in the mating game, and still relevant, and still "young" ..they'll take it.

Their marriage doesn't have to be bad in any way for all that to mean they exit it when they get the opportunity.

They will make up all sorts of excuses for why they left because "I was utterly bored and unmotivated about shagging my menopausal wife who I've been shagging for decades, I couldn't be bothered with the whole thing, our kids are grown up, loyality and history don't really mean anything to me, I'm aging better than she is, I was able to pull a younger, hotter, non menopausal woman and I can start an exciting new life with her and feel like I have a whole new lease of life, instead of stultifying in my "worn old shoe" life" etc etc ...doesn't tend to make you look very good to other people.

Decent people don't tend to admire men discarding their long term, loyal, devoted, "raised his kids" wives ..... for younger, shiny new ones.

Which is why lots of excuses and usually a history rewrite are necessary. The marriage has to have be "bad", the wife has to have been ABC.

Don't be so naive about that too.

Devilsadvocat · 10/11/2024 09:58

I ďont think Im being naive. The OP is so surprised and hurt, understandable, but she is saying she thought her marriage was rock solid but her husband obviously didnt.

HazelPlayer · 10/11/2024 10:11

Devilsadvocat · 10/11/2024 09:58

I ďont think Im being naive. The OP is so surprised and hurt, understandable, but she is saying she thought her marriage was rock solid but her husband obviously didnt.

I would love to hear the Husbands version of events. Why has he had an affair if his marriage was so great

This suggests you strongly think there were problems in the marriage; but it's perfectly possible there weren't any "problems".

The only problem was that he, in middle age, got an opportunity with a younger woman who he's more sexually attracted to (which it's easy to be when you haven't been shagging someone and living with them for decades) and that he does not value loyalty, history, longevity, having a family together etc above that.

His morals are obvious in the fact the younger woman is married with young kids.

There could well have been no real problems in the marriage other than his "priorities" and lack of integrity.

And as above, you completely miss the point that even if there were problems; he could have just left.
He didn't have to start up an affair with another married person (with young kids involved) before he did.
It's like you think affairs are justified if someone is not happy ...... They're not. Why does that need explained to you.

Whatachliche · 10/11/2024 10:16

Devilsadvocat · 10/11/2024 09:58

I ďont think Im being naive. The OP is so surprised and hurt, understandable, but she is saying she thought her marriage was rock solid but her husband obviously didnt.

@Devilsadvocat you come across as quite naive though, and not very familiar with 'the script' that men use to justify jumping ship from solid relationships in favour for sex with younger woman. I can only assume you either have been an OW yourself, or you need to convince yourself that you will not be the victim of affair betrayal as long as you are in a good relationship. you seem very keen to put blame on the injured and betrayed person, possibly to create the illusion it will not happen to you.

But maybe you are just here for some shit stirring, as your well chosen user name suggests.

HazelPlayer · 10/11/2024 10:24

she is saying she thought her marriage was rock solid but her husband obviously didnt

The only thing I can agree with is that op has missed the fact that her h was not committed to their marriage.

When he became un-committed to their marriage, who knows?

But while she was in the marriage TDDUP, he clearly was not. At some point he decided he was not....and that could have been before he had an opportunity for another partner; in fact it's likely. Because his interaction with his AP would likely not have escalated to romance etc. if he wasn't already un-committed & open to starting something with someone else.

However, people are naturally not going to advertise the fact that they are no longer committed to their marriage and might just jump ship if they get a 'good" opportunity, are they?
Not until they have the opportunity, not until they decide to.

So it's understandable that the op didn't really realise.

He's sneaky, he's not even properly admitted the affair to the op, his affair partner's husband apparently knows nothing, he's still got his kids onside.
He's hardly the type of person to be honest and make it clear to his wife that he's not committed - until he decides he's out.
He's entitled and high handed in his dealings. Like demanding a house sale before a divorce and financial settlement.

It's perfectly feasible the op didn't realise.

The only thing I would say is that I'm getting the strong impression the op and her kids have a dynamic is their household where he was on a bit of pedestal ... . and that has been a factor in them not realising he is what he is, and that he was capable of this.

Durdledore · 10/11/2024 10:26

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I went through something similar 8 years ago so my heart goes out to you and your lovely children.

Since you’re using winter imagery, I thought this poem by Albert Camus (which has helped me through dark times) may bring you some comfort:

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there's something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

I look forward to the time of life when things get easier again, but until they do, reflect on these words and know that it is your invincible summer that is getting you through life at the moment - those presentations at work, the success of the small project, the TescoGate moments and everything in between.

Scottishskifun · 10/11/2024 10:42

PerfectStorm00 · 09/11/2024 23:10

"Trying to railroad her" "shaft the OP" - what dramatic hyperbole - he simply wants to deal with the practical matter of the house sale and OP using house as weapon/ransom just makes her the massive dick.

It does not matter if its been 7 hours, 7 weeks or 7 years - he has left the marriage and is entitled to half the assets - you need to separate the emotional from the financial/legal - OP cannot use hurt feelings to "punish" her husband by playing games with the sale of the house - people on here suggesting she goes out when viewings are booked, deliberately makes the house a mess and cancelling all offers outright need to grow the fuck up - they are giving women a bad name.

The husband does not owe her "time" or any other intangible. OP on the other hand, owes her husband 50% of their joint house that she is currently trying to withhold from him.

Edited

He is entitled to half the assets as part of a financial agreement from a divorce not beforehand.
The OP herself has said she is feeling overwhelmed and bullied by him.

Posters are advising her accordingly to get legal advice and for it to form financial settlement agreement.

He's not entitled to assets before this just because he wants to

HazelPlayer · 10/11/2024 10:53

Op, he clearly thinks you're a doormat and he'll walk all over you.

He'll get what he wants, how he wants and you'll fall in with that.

I can only guess what the dynamic has been in your marriage, for him to think that. I think you've probably had the rose tinted glasses on for a long time. Perhaps you have a background/upbringing that is a factor too.

Time to not be a door mat.

HazelPlayer · 10/11/2024 10:58

Of course she can choose to delay and hold up the financial and divorce process

She's not delaying.

He's pushing for things that should NOT be happening yet, outside the context of a divorce settlement.

He's trying to take advantage of her.

And probably because he wants to house his affair partner and kids, before their affair loses momentum.
That's not the op's responsibility to facilitate. She's the last person in the world who has any responsibility for facilitating that.

Let the married cheaters & liars sort out their own accommodation without coercing the op to sell her home before she's even had a full, transparent financial settlement in her divorce.

So much selfishness, entitlement, arrogance and happiness to walk over other people and disadvantage other people.
You can see how this pair got into their situation.

Lubilu02 · 10/11/2024 11:08

Gosh, it sounds like you have really been through the mill recently. But, you know what, I really love the fact there is this fighting spirit quietly soldiering on in the background. As time goes on, that inner fight you have will get louder and stronger, and you soon enough you will be holding your head high with dignity.
He does not,and never has, defined who you are. You are more than who you were with him.
This is a new and exciting chapter for you, to do what you want, with who you want, when you want. Plan some exciting things for yourself, things that you were never able to do with him and look forward to the future.

P.s when I was very stressed and lost alot of my hair, I found a really good strength iron supplement helped grow my little tufts back. Worth a try if you haven't already. X

Devilsadvocat · 10/11/2024 11:19

Whatachliche · 10/11/2024 10:16

@Devilsadvocat you come across as quite naive though, and not very familiar with 'the script' that men use to justify jumping ship from solid relationships in favour for sex with younger woman. I can only assume you either have been an OW yourself, or you need to convince yourself that you will not be the victim of affair betrayal as long as you are in a good relationship. you seem very keen to put blame on the injured and betrayed person, possibly to create the illusion it will not happen to you.

But maybe you are just here for some shit stirring, as your well chosen user name suggests.

No Ive never been an OW and well aware of the script that is always talked about on MN.
I am just saying that there are 2 sides to every story and we have only heard OPs. Im not blaming her or being nasty but it seems that a lot of strangers are drooling and cant wait for the next installment in this womens life. If thats shit stirring then so be it.

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