Page 12 | Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

Pleasenotme · 2024-09-21T15:53:02+00:00

*Do they ever come back? Devastated. * *1000 replies* *Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25* Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally. I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it. I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

getsomehelp · 03/10/2024 17:12

I would pop the OWs bubble.
I'm not sure how, but probably by simply letting her H know that your husband has left you ti be with her.
She hasn't jumped ship yet, maybe she won't

TheShellBeach · 03/10/2024 17:27

I do think that the people recommending going for walks or to the gym have failed to take on board that the OP is suffering from severe shock, and she can barely get from her bed to the bathroom at the moment.

She is paralysed by grief.

oakleaffy · 03/10/2024 19:04

TheShellBeach · 03/10/2024 17:27

I do think that the people recommending going for walks or to the gym have failed to take on board that the OP is suffering from severe shock, and she can barely get from her bed to the bathroom at the moment.

She is paralysed by grief.

Absolutely true!
Op is exhausted by shock-
Just putting one foot in front of another can be a monumental effort.

The paralysis will gradually lift- in its own time.

ChickenDeChick · 03/10/2024 19:10

@Secondwifenotsecondbest such incredibly moving words and understanding from you 🩶

Hold tight op even when it feels like you can't, breath by breath

takingbackmypower · 04/10/2024 16:27

Just checking in, and wanted to let you know Im thinking of you.

LivelyBlake · 04/10/2024 18:20

How are you OP? I hope you are finding it all a bit easier 💐

oakleaffy · 05/10/2024 19:19

Mum used to say ln times like this, think of yourself as actually Ill.

Just getting through to the next hour can seem insurmountable.

What is interesting, Lovely OP ( don’t want to tag you) - There is a Mumsnet user who needs to sell their marital home.

Her abusive ex husband is in the house, and has been for two years.

He’s being obstructive.

This shows that it’s hard to actually get someone out of a marital asset.

The Mumsnet user has 6 children and lives in a refuge

If she can’t get her husband out-
this looks good for you to stay like a limpet on your 🪨 rock.

Your stability is your home.
Especially while feeling so broken.

Hold Fast lovely OP 🏴‍☠️⚓️

oakleaffy · 05/10/2024 19:31

Secondwifenotsecondbest · 03/10/2024 16:14

me again OP .
Reading your last update, I had to post again.
I was so overwhelmed today that I physically gasped out loud at the realisation that I might never touch him or smell him ever again. I knew this subliminally of course but the pain of it was almost unbearable. How do I endure this? This lack of HIM.
I feel your pain in these words and I almost gasped out loud myself because they reminded me of the days when my exH had 'gone', the divorce was happening, but (for reasons I won't go into because they're too outing), we had to share our marital home again until the house sale had gone through. He was still with her, we weren't sharing a bedroom but one night it was all too much for me - my heart was bleak at the imminent days/weeks/months ahead when I wouldn't even hear his voice anymore and never wake up next to him again.
So I crept upstairs to outside of his bedroom door as he slept and I sat on the landing listening to the wonderfully familiar sound of his breathing, the gentle snore, the shuffle in the bedclothes as he turned over...and I sobbed my soul out, face buried in a pillow, rocking. I stayed like that for so long my legs got cramp and then I crawled to my room and sobbed again, hugging his jumper stolen from the laundry basket so I could smell him.
My dear OP, what I'm trying to convey is it's normal to grieve him, to feel his loss over and over again in a hundred different ways (including all of the 'never will bes' to come, birthdays/Christmases/ holidays etc that you won't now share). I'm afraid this is just one of many steps on the long road ahead until the hurt starts to wane and the sun shines again.
We're all still here for you and with you and we will be for all that is to come. One step at a time. Share what you wish with us, keep private what you want to - this is your story and we are just hoping for a brighter future for you. You don't owe us anything - no brave face/fighting talk, no updates out of courtesy/perceived obligation, just post what you want, when you want. This is a safe place, full of broken hearts that have somehow healed/are healing and that's all we want you to know. You're not alone.
xxxx

So many of us have gone through this- or are going through it - or, Heaven forfend, will go through it down the track.

The pain really is hideous.
Why can’t humans just be faithful?

But seems so many cannot.
Your description of the familiar breathing and smell of your ex was so poignant.

He didn’t deserve you.
😢

The divorced wives club.

It’s not fun to join , no one wants to join it, but here we are! 🥰

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 05/10/2024 19:41

Just wondering how you are OP.

Zebracat · 06/10/2024 23:21

Thinking about you today. I know the weekends can feel quite untethered. I hope you are making some food, even if it’s a tin of custard or rice pudding. There’s an app called insight timer which has all sorts of stuff, relaxation exercises, courses to help you through heartbreak etc . I wonder if you could have a listen. I know you aren’t ready for counselling, but you might find some small thing that resonates.

Zebracat · 06/10/2024 23:40

It’s a long time since I was in your shoes, although I haven’t forgotten the hopelessness and grief . But last year 1 of my children cut off all contact without any explanation to us, although they have given their siblings some reasons. I cried constantly for a month. I felt really ashamed, an awful person, and I still can’t really discuss it. I long for my child to come back to me. But sometimes now, a year in, I find awkward reality intruding into my reconciliation fantasies. Could I ever behave naturally again. How frightened am I that it will happen again. Would I be able to say sorry for all these crimes I didn’t commit? I know I’m never going to be the same again, there’s a bit missing, and I’m constantly blindsided by little memories. It’s also affected all my other relationships, I feel on probation with everyone, I find myself trying to detach a little, so that any schism would be less painful.
But, I’m no longer in constant pain. I can say their name, I can go weeks( well, days) without thinking of them. The colour is back in my life, and I can even sometimes see ways in which life is easier, family occasions are certainly more relaxed, although it feels very disloyal to say so.
The colour will come back for you too, gradually. Hold on to that, please.

LivelyMintViper · 06/10/2024 23:46

Just fervently wishing for better days for you

SukeyBenedict · 07/10/2024 16:51

Sending you love @Zebracat - not my child but I too have a family schism like this. It’s been about 6yrs I think. It gets easier. I could t go back now.

Dollybantree · 07/10/2024 18:07

Secondwifenotsecondbest · 03/10/2024 16:14

me again OP .
Reading your last update, I had to post again.
I was so overwhelmed today that I physically gasped out loud at the realisation that I might never touch him or smell him ever again. I knew this subliminally of course but the pain of it was almost unbearable. How do I endure this? This lack of HIM.
I feel your pain in these words and I almost gasped out loud myself because they reminded me of the days when my exH had 'gone', the divorce was happening, but (for reasons I won't go into because they're too outing), we had to share our marital home again until the house sale had gone through. He was still with her, we weren't sharing a bedroom but one night it was all too much for me - my heart was bleak at the imminent days/weeks/months ahead when I wouldn't even hear his voice anymore and never wake up next to him again.
So I crept upstairs to outside of his bedroom door as he slept and I sat on the landing listening to the wonderfully familiar sound of his breathing, the gentle snore, the shuffle in the bedclothes as he turned over...and I sobbed my soul out, face buried in a pillow, rocking. I stayed like that for so long my legs got cramp and then I crawled to my room and sobbed again, hugging his jumper stolen from the laundry basket so I could smell him.
My dear OP, what I'm trying to convey is it's normal to grieve him, to feel his loss over and over again in a hundred different ways (including all of the 'never will bes' to come, birthdays/Christmases/ holidays etc that you won't now share). I'm afraid this is just one of many steps on the long road ahead until the hurt starts to wane and the sun shines again.
We're all still here for you and with you and we will be for all that is to come. One step at a time. Share what you wish with us, keep private what you want to - this is your story and we are just hoping for a brighter future for you. You don't owe us anything - no brave face/fighting talk, no updates out of courtesy/perceived obligation, just post what you want, when you want. This is a safe place, full of broken hearts that have somehow healed/are healing and that's all we want you to know. You're not alone.
xxxx

Gosh some of these posts are sad. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

It must be worse than your dh dying when this happens - at least then it’s the natural order of things - you know (or at least believe) he died loving you and can grieve with an end in sight.

To do what these men do is unspeakably cruel. They are plotting and planning and detactching themselves behind the scenes pretending everything’s ok until the moment they decide to jump ship - leaving a bewildered and bereft wife with her whole life upended, the one person she thought she could rely on now her no.1 enemy and everything shattered into a million pieces around her. You are having to play catch up with a situation you never asked for or wanted whilst he’s already moved on and just wants to discard everything from his past. It’s bonkers how people can do this to someone they loved once, built a life with. At the very least they could be kind, admit fault and try to make things as easy as possible with the separation - but their ego often won’t allow that as they can’t be seen as the bad guy.

I remember my bf’s dh leaving her and their two dcs out of the blue for another woman he’d met online. The week before he’d been making Instagram posts about his “wonderful, amazing wife”. But all that was forgotten when he had his head turned. One of his pathetic reasons for leaving her was that she’d gained weight and “let herself go” (she had over the course of 25 years gone from a size 10 to a 14) - despite the fact he’s a weasley little runt who is 12 years older than her and had lost his job through constantly taking time off sick with depression which she supported him through. I’ve never wanted to punch someone so much in my life. It’s taken her about 3 years to really get over him and get to the stage where she honestly wouldn’t take him back if he begged on his knees. You will get there op but it’s going to take time. Don’t blame yourself for feeling the way you do, you are not pathetic - you are reeling from the fact that your main person in life whom you thought you’d be with forever has upended everything you thought was fact and discarded the life you built together- I’m not surprised you’re in bits. Please be kind to yourself.

roseymoira · 07/10/2024 22:09

Hope you are doing ok OP x

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 08/10/2024 07:37

roseymoira · 07/10/2024 22:09

Hope you are doing ok OP x

Seconded. Been thinking of you OP x

Channellingsophistication · 08/10/2024 08:13

Me three! been thinking of you and hope you are holding up

LivelyMintViper · 08/10/2024 19:47

getsomehelp · 03/10/2024 17:12

I would pop the OWs bubble.
I'm not sure how, but probably by simply letting her H know that your husband has left you ti be with her.
She hasn't jumped ship yet, maybe she won't

I agree because I think she should not have the right to continue using and betraying her DH until her new comfy love nest paid for by OP's misery is ready for her to move in.

NotAgainBrian · 10/10/2024 16:03

Secondwifenotsecondbest · 03/10/2024 16:14

me again OP .
Reading your last update, I had to post again.
I was so overwhelmed today that I physically gasped out loud at the realisation that I might never touch him or smell him ever again. I knew this subliminally of course but the pain of it was almost unbearable. How do I endure this? This lack of HIM.
I feel your pain in these words and I almost gasped out loud myself because they reminded me of the days when my exH had 'gone', the divorce was happening, but (for reasons I won't go into because they're too outing), we had to share our marital home again until the house sale had gone through. He was still with her, we weren't sharing a bedroom but one night it was all too much for me - my heart was bleak at the imminent days/weeks/months ahead when I wouldn't even hear his voice anymore and never wake up next to him again.
So I crept upstairs to outside of his bedroom door as he slept and I sat on the landing listening to the wonderfully familiar sound of his breathing, the gentle snore, the shuffle in the bedclothes as he turned over...and I sobbed my soul out, face buried in a pillow, rocking. I stayed like that for so long my legs got cramp and then I crawled to my room and sobbed again, hugging his jumper stolen from the laundry basket so I could smell him.
My dear OP, what I'm trying to convey is it's normal to grieve him, to feel his loss over and over again in a hundred different ways (including all of the 'never will bes' to come, birthdays/Christmases/ holidays etc that you won't now share). I'm afraid this is just one of many steps on the long road ahead until the hurt starts to wane and the sun shines again.
We're all still here for you and with you and we will be for all that is to come. One step at a time. Share what you wish with us, keep private what you want to - this is your story and we are just hoping for a brighter future for you. You don't owe us anything - no brave face/fighting talk, no updates out of courtesy/perceived obligation, just post what you want, when you want. This is a safe place, full of broken hearts that have somehow healed/are healing and that's all we want you to know. You're not alone.
xxxx

God this is such a sad post, and one that I completely 100% get. I've been there with the sobbing and hugging things that smell of him. I still am at times. Slightly different in that he would come back if I asked him, but it was so unbelievably toxic that I don't think I'd survive another year of being in that relationship so somehow I have to stay strong and stick to this. I hope you are doing OK now?

OP, I think of you often and hope you are managing as well as you can 💐

chaosmaker · 14/10/2024 23:07

Hi @Pleasenotme just thinking about you and hoping that you are moving through the grief stage and starting to get to the next one. Pain is transient but when it's there it feels like it'll never pass on.
Hope that you have managed to get some counselling or at least a step further towards it.
Mostly sending love x

Wantosleep39 · 15/10/2024 13:59

Hi OP I hope you are getting better even if it’s bit by bit. I hope you have started to eat a bit. I am like you I can’t eat anything when I am very upset. Sending you a biggest hug 🫂

Channellingsophistication · 21/10/2024 08:10

Hi OP hope you are ok… I know how hard it is just to put one foot in front of the other each day and how everything seems so utterly overwhelming. Thinking of you

Secondstart1001 · 21/10/2024 08:15

Concerned we haven’t heard from you in a while and hope you are ok. Your devastation has really stayed with me x

trazza21 · 21/10/2024 11:20

Been thinking of you too, hope you are ok x

oakleaffy · 22/10/2024 00:22

@Pleasenotme Hope you are holding on.. Thinking of you. It's a hard road, but you have your wonderful children and friends.. Those are golden lights in your life, like a lighthouse in a storm tossed ocean.