Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

When affairs happen, people do feel a moral sense of unfairness- and someone else may well let slip the affair to the husband of OW.

It’s not uncommon.
Edit: Affairs are never as secret as the people cheating like to imagine.

When you are strong enough Pleasenotme
( which may not be for a while yet) go to a solicitor to find out your entitlements. One of my friends went with me and listened with me as my head was still too foggy to take it all in. Knowledge is power as they say. Even if it doesn’t come to that there is no harm in finding out what’s what . It’s all so terrifying that you may not feel strong enough for a while yet which is totally understandable . The ADs will help calm you down - they did really help me. After an initial period of getting used to them. Just keep on getting through each day that is all you have to do right now .
rest assured that your H path is not an easy one and once the excitement wears off he will realise what he has thrown away - even if too proud to admit it. His life will never be the simple again and he will not be regarded the same by those who matter to him.

Op should stay put regardless. Why make their life easy? I don’t think there is any thing exciting about a battle and her H will be left isolated as she’ll still be with her H and she’ll start getting pissed off while he’s living in a room somewhere like the sad case that he is!

p.s one of her siblings chose to anonymously let the OW’s husband know what his wife had been up to….she ultimately was glad he found out but didn’t have to do it herself

This is what i think should happen now

Someone (not OP) should tell the OWs husband asap

I know we all feel deeply for OP and rightly so, but that poor man and his children
I feel desperately sorry for them.

He needs to know.

Hi @Pleasenotme I've been following your heartbreak I'm so sorry this is happening. Would you consider taking a few weeks sick leave from work?
When PP say tell the OW husband, surely he must have some inkling there's something up with her? He also doesn't deserve this. He should be made aware.

Hi @Pleasenotme Just want to add my voice in support of you. I can feel your heartbreak in your words. He doesn't deserve you and I believe 100% that you will come to that realisation in time.

But in the meantime, could you take some sick leave from work, get signed off for a few weeks? Would that help? It seems like you are in crisis mode and need to gather your inner resources.

Definitely take up the free counselling, especially if it's face to face, as it does help to talk it out. Writing is helpful too - and your writing is amazing. I'm sure it helps that you have the skill to express yourself so precisely. But being in a room, talking and having someone really listen, helps so much.

I agree that OW DH should be made aware, it’s unfair for him continuing as is.

I also think she should tell him. As there is no doubt, then she should say something.

Oh my dear. Thank you for posting. I don’t have an opinion about telling the ow’s husband. But I think it’s really important that you are not rushed into any actions to do with your home. You are not well, you need the comfort of home, and you are also clearly not able to make considered decisions right now. I wonder If you have mentioned this pressure to your doctor? So please refuse to take any immediate actions, not to mess up your horrible husband, but to protect yourself. One day you will look back at these days and marvel that you survived, and even thrived, but for now hunker down and lick your wounds.

Hi, @Pleasenotme Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and can feel your pain through your writing. I am you only 5 weeks ahead of you. And although my pain is still raw and almost all-consuming, I am feeling a bit better now. My husband for 22 years left me and our two teenaged kids suddenly and without any warnings. And although he is currently living in a rental flat only half a mile away from our house, he doesent reach out or contact his kids. They, or his mother or sister have to suggest meetups and activities, which has happened 3-4 times the last 9 weeks. He doesen't even seem to think it's uncommon or unheard of. Its very disturbing.
I am currently on sick leave as I couldent focus on my demanding job. I focus on healing, beeing there for my kids, spending time with friends (I dont have much family, only two siblings living far away. They support through telephone and video calls) and my family in law who is as devastated as I am. I also try to do a hike in the forest once a day and get out of the house.
I'm sending you my best whishes and hopes for better days to come.

@Pleasenotme I have read both of your threads and I am so very sorry that this is happening to you.
It is absolutely understandable that you are completely floored and in such a great deal of pain.
You love a man who does not deserve the love you clearly have for him, and his sudden and callous departure has left you reeling in a world you do not recognise any more. Therefore it is totally and utterly understandable that you want him back, you want your life back and you want this whole nightmare that you did not choose to end and things go back to normal.
His actions have beaten you up badly.
Please do not beat yourself up too.
It is understandable that you would beg him to return, that you still have strong feelings for him and want him back as he was before. Do not feel ashamed for doing this, you were felled like a tree by his actions and had no time to plan or prepare for any of it. It was the last thing you thought would happen and it is as if an alien has possessed your husband and turned him into a man you do not know.
You are suffering a great trauma. Your way of life is upended, your future threatened.
It is no wonder therefore that you are thinking and acting from a position of survival.
In survival mode we do and say anything we can to do just that: survive. Longing and begging him to return is survival’s logical response to his cruel abandonment. There is no shame in this when someone is as traumatised as you clearly are, so see it for what it is: your brain and body working in survival mode in the face of a crisis.
You have taken enough beatings from life lately, do not add to that by turning the shame or blame inwards onto yourself.
I also think you need a decent break from work to take any more external stress from you. You may not feel brave, but your bravery in just trying to get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other, in a situation you did not ask for, do not deserve and do not want to live in, is remarkable.
Take heart in the courage you have to do every small thing for yourself that you can.

You are beaten up but not beaten.
You are very down but you are not down on the floor.
You feel like your life has ended, but you are not finished.
You are still there, still trying, still loving your family and being loved by them.
You have purpose and love and great worth, do not value yourself by the actions of a weak and selfish man.
Your full strength will come back, @Pleasenotme. It is time for you to take a break now, have some space for yourself and time to absorb what has happened and allow yourself to grieve. When men have affairs I think it would be easier to deal with losing them because they had died, than in this cruel way. The loss is compounded with the hurt of betrayal and cruelty from the one you love and trusted and thought had your back. Now all you can feel is their knife in it.
Please take time off if you can, just functioning and getting out of bed at present must feel like climbing Everest. Your mental and physical health must be your top priority. Garner as much support as you can and allow people to help you.
If nothing else, know that ‘this too shall pass.’ It’s time for you now, @Pleasenotme. When you’ve had some time for self-care, you will start thinking and operating from a calmer place. Right now you just want to survive each day. I know that’s surviving and not living, but believe me, each day you’ve survived is one day less in this hell and one day closer to feeling ok again. It won’t be like this forever, hang on in there and reach for those who love you and you WILL get through this. When your strength starts to return you will know what to do. Until then be kind to yourself. You deserve a great deal of kindness now.

I'm so sorry @takingbackmypower

Some men are just bastards.

I am shocked that grown men rely on their own mothers and sisters to organise activities with their own kids!
So sorry you have been through this.

I'm so sorry to those of you who have endured, or are enduring, this horrific life event. My eldest DS was telling me about a friend's imminent marriage, and all I could think about was 'please God, in the future once the gloss of new marriage has worn off, don't let him do to his soon-to-be-wife what so many men have done to the brave women of Mumsnet'.

My whole belief in love, and longevity, and enduring commitment has gone out of the window. I am very far from being naive about life and love, but I now finding myself doubting that ANY man is ever entirely faithful. My entire value systems have been upended and I'm looking at the world through a very cynical prism. I hate being that person, I'm not that person but at the moment love seems such a throw away and disposable commodity. My H has dispensed himself of me, full stop.

To those of you who have suggested I take sick leave from work, I do think I need to battle on in some small way and my boss is being very kind and tolerant about it all. I have been, and continue to be, in such crisis mode that any distraction is important as without it, I just dwell. I am so deeply, deeply unhappy but work allows me to just go into auto for a while, and push aside the agony. And when the work stops, the pain returns.

I was so overwhelmed today that I physically gasped out loud at the realisation that I might never touch him or smell him ever again. I knew this subliminally of course but the pain of it was almost unbearable. How do I endure this? This lack of HIM.

I'm not in a fit state at the moment to tell the OW's H, I'm simply not. If I bump into him if I venture out and risk Tescogate again, then perhaps I might just blurt it out, but I simply can't think of getting in touch with him as a pre-planned event. To the PP who said cling like a limpet to the house, absolutely right I am and will continue to do so as long as I can. He'll have to prise me out of it. I have no doubt that H and OW have a 'plan' in the background but my plan is to assume the worst. She is clever and hard-nosed and will be ruthless with and about me. I can only imagine the poison about me that he receives daily into his willing ears. I hate her. I wish I didn't love him.

Heartbreak can lead to serious depression. You are doing just fine despite what that sounds like. You will get through it and please, stay single after that....for a while

I found work a release from dwelling at home. Do as much as you feel you can manage and plan to keep busy for the weekends, walks, gardening, and treating yourself to a massages and hair treatments because you are worth it. Take care.x

@Pleasenotme I wouldn't tell her husband. It's her mess and she needs to deal with it - or perhaps someone else will tell him. You said upthread that she has a fine opinion of herself. Once it's all out in the open, she may discover that other people don't agree with her deluded self-image.

You focus on your own wellbeing and your children.

@Pleasenotme I agree to keep on with the worked .. when I’m stressed sometimes I chose not to take leave from work, Our work sounds quite similar ( fellow accountant here in senior role) so I usually pick a few engaging or monotonous projects and just focus on them as a distraction - I leave the mentally challenging stuff for when I’m at my best if I can.

I think for now focus on yourself and not the situation with the OW. And I wish you didn’t love him either! It will happen though op … you cannot be sad for the rest of your days. Nothing in life is permanent. You will get angry and he will disgust you at some point. You will be happy again.

I found a renewed sense of purpose with work after it happened to me. It was the one thing in my life that hadn’t changed. My husband had dumped me for OW and I had had to move, so I felt I’d lost my home as well. I took a week off work as I literally couldn’t function and then my boss encouraged me back which I’m glad he did (he is a very wise accountant)!

You will be ok, you know. (Not so sure about your H)

Oh OP I completely understand about the need to keep busy. I had three small kids to keep me occupied when my ExH left for the OW. And on the occasions he did turn up to take them out I was cleaning the house obsessively.

I'm so sorry you still love him, I really hope you find your anger soon (it honestly helped me to feel stronger). Remember that every horrible thing you're feeling now is because of him, your DC being ignored by him is entirely down to him, any future financial hardship due to him leaving is down to him.

I read your first thread @Pleasenotme and I'm sure I posted then lost you. I am so sorry to read that you are hurting so much but so proud to be part of a community that supports one of her own as well as they are you.

I am newly divorced. Lucky in that I never wanted him back but my pain is what he said and did, how he's been with the children and me and the fact there's been no acknowledgment of the pain he has caused. He's three weeks into a new relationship as well but I know it's longer than that. I'm certainly not as stupid as he thinks I am even thought I have been left with neuro damage due to the trauma.

My advice is to take a day. Cry, scream, feel sorry for yourself, mourn what has gone, be sad for what you've lost, look at photos, pine and wish and hope then order a takeaway, get in the bath, get into bed, tell yourself you will wake up with acceptance then sleep.

In the morning start afresh. You told yourself last night that you will accept he's not coming back and you will. He's not who you thought he was and you can't mourn what never existed and isn't an option now.

Try and cut out the middle man. You will get to the point where you are happy again and will make a new and fulfilled life. You don't want to look back and realise how many days/weeks you wasted crying over someone who was never worthy of you.

I can imagine some replies but really what choice do you have? It's hellish, it is awful, it is unfathomable how your h can treat you like this but you can only control your actions, not his.

You have got this. You will get through this. You have to. We have you.

@Pleasenotme Am on a dog walk thiseve abd your most recent update made be go “ Gurghhh” out loud.

I do remember what you are describing.

It was me who said “ Channel your inner Limpet” and Hold Fast.

My Husband’s affair partner had a very fine opinion of herself, too- Also incredibly hard nosed and out for herself.

I hated her- very much so.

These women who make themselves easily available to married men usually DO have a fine opinion of themselves- but I later found out that work colleagues had children who went to the same school as her children- and they didn’t like her at all.
One had even heard that she’d got hitched up with a much younger man -and was shocked to know it was my husband!
Work does at least stop one dwelling while one is working.

Hold Fast!

Hold Fast - a very appropriate saying:

“”Historically, “hold fast” was a command given to sailors when approaching a storm, warning them to grip tight to the ship's rigging to avoid being washed overboard by the waves and rain as the ship plunged through the sea.””

@Pleasenotme

You are not obligated to tell OW's husband, now or ever. If the time comes you feel right about it, fine. But if not, fine too.

I get about the way you're feeling and you not liking it, feeling that 'the you that you were' isn't there anymore. You've been knocked for a loop, no wonder all your beliefs on love and marriage (and men) have been thrown out the window! But you will find your new normal, all in good time. You may not ever be as trusting as you were before, but that's ok, too. A small bit of cynicism never hurt anyone. You will be who you need to be in the new life you WILL carve out for yourself.

One small step at a time, you'll get through this and you will find that new life. And if will be good.

me again OP .
Reading your last update, I had to post again.
I was so overwhelmed today that I physically gasped out loud at the realisation that I might never touch him or smell him ever again. I knew this subliminally of course but the pain of it was almost unbearable. How do I endure this? This lack of HIM.
I feel your pain in these words and I almost gasped out loud myself because they reminded me of the days when my exH had 'gone', the divorce was happening, but (for reasons I won't go into because they're too outing), we had to share our marital home again until the house sale had gone through. He was still with her, we weren't sharing a bedroom but one night it was all too much for me - my heart was bleak at the imminent days/weeks/months ahead when I wouldn't even hear his voice anymore and never wake up next to him again.
So I crept upstairs to outside of his bedroom door as he slept and I sat on the landing listening to the wonderfully familiar sound of his breathing, the gentle snore, the shuffle in the bedclothes as he turned over...and I sobbed my soul out, face buried in a pillow, rocking. I stayed like that for so long my legs got cramp and then I crawled to my room and sobbed again, hugging his jumper stolen from the laundry basket so I could smell him.
My dear OP, what I'm trying to convey is it's normal to grieve him, to feel his loss over and over again in a hundred different ways (including all of the 'never will bes' to come, birthdays/Christmases/ holidays etc that you won't now share). I'm afraid this is just one of many steps on the long road ahead until the hurt starts to wane and the sun shines again.
We're all still here for you and with you and we will be for all that is to come. One step at a time. Share what you wish with us, keep private what you want to - this is your story and we are just hoping for a brighter future for you. You don't owe us anything - no brave face/fighting talk, no updates out of courtesy/perceived obligation, just post what you want, when you want. This is a safe place, full of broken hearts that have somehow healed/are healing and that's all we want you to know. You're not alone.
xxxx