Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

How are you @Pleasenotme?

Thinking of you OP, hope you are doing ok x

Thinking of you @Pleasenotme, hope you're doing okay 💐

Does anyone think that everybody checking in is a bit weird?

Yup, it is code for can you come back and post.

That's not true.
The OP mentioned that she thought she was being boring.
A lot of posts have tried to reassure her that she's not.

I have broken my heart reading your updates. I am 8 years on and reading your posts shows how raw it can be even all these years on.
I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. Just focus on getting through one day at a time. Or one moment at a time. You will find strength. At the moment you're in shock and your heart is shattered. I am so sorry for everything that you're going through.

@Pleasenotme Just really hoping you are somehow still bearing up.
Thinking of you. ''Chin up'' as Dad told me days after I found out about my husband.

I had tears wobbling off my chin, rather than ''chin up''..It's incredibly tough.

Hello everyone, I'm sorry I've been absent, although I have been reading and absorbing your myriad kindnesses - thank you. Have had an absolutely awful few days, I suppose best described as a crisis. I couldn't get out of bed over the weekend as I was just overwhelmed with everything. I saw the GP on Friday who has upped my anti depressants dosage and is arranging for me to see a MH professional. Due to my constant nausea, panic attacks and palpitations, he arranged for an ECG which proved to be fine; I asked the nurse how that could be when my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. She was very kind but I imagine she is well used to dealing with broken people.

I've tried to progress the small work project I have but unless I write copious notes to myself, I keep missing things. I'm so distracted and feel as if nothing is real, the whole world is a mirage but I recognise that this could be the tablets I'm on. H seems to have exited our collective life stage left; my eldest DD says she simply never hears from him anymore and is astounded by this as he was always such an engaged family man. My brother continues to be supportive and came over to the house to sort out a couple of minor DIY tasks for me - they were the kind of thing that I would normally never think twice about doing, but seem to be defeating me at present.

I've realised that the OW's husband posts copiously on X, it's interesting stuff and entirely inoffensive, but it is very clear that his day to day life is absolutely 'situation normal' - he clearly has no idea what is going on.

I am deeply touched by those of you who are checking in on me: I don't have adequate words to express my gratitude. I have a couple of friends who are in regular touch and I find myself reading their words over and over again, trying to draw strength, just as I do your messages

@Pleasenotme I’m so glad that your GP is taking you seriously and arranging more help. Just thought, but what time of day are you taking the A-D’s? I’m on 10 mg and I discovered that it’s better for me to take them just before I go to bed, rather than in the morning, as they do make me fuzzy for a while. Going to sleep soon after taking them works best for me.

I hope that you feel less overwhelmed soon. Remember, you have people who love and support you. Your H is just one person who’s turned out to be rotten and he’s not worthy of you. 💐

@Pleasenotme The other worldly mirage-
That’s shock.
I didn’t take AD’s ( probably should have done) and everything felt physically off.
zero concentration, yawning a lot for some reason.

Sounds like your husband is well and truly “ C&nt struck “ ( another of Dad’s sayings)
as he’s so under the thrall of the OW, and ignoring his own children .

The oblivious husband of OW
He’s clearly still in an unaware state.

This may not last of course.

When HIS world implodes, it will be much more difficult for his faithless wife.

@BruFord , I was taking them in the morning but have started taking them before bed after speaking to the doctor. Thank you.

Sorry to read your update OP. I promise it will get easier, but the first few weeks are awful. I'm glad the Dr is taking it seriously and that you have some real life support.

Terrible that he's ignoring his daughter, though unfortunately I think it often happens. My ExH practically ignored the kids in the first few weeks he was with the OW and DP's ExW did the same when she left for the OM. It's like they're in some fantasy bubble of their own.

I'm sorry you're still really struggling @Pleasenotme

It's not surprising though. You're grieving.

I am another one who found that my husband failed to keep in touch with the children afterwards.

We're many, many years down the line now, but one of the DC recently moved, and his father hasn't even got his address.

That's how easily these men shut their former lives out.

It's staggering.

This is probably it- A self-absorbed selfish bubble.

Bubbles tend to go pop though.

They rarely stay intact, and reality then rushes in.

OP so sorry to hear you are struggling so much.
You are clearly very much still in shock.
I am not sure what others think but at some point the bubble will burst for this man - if the OW is still with her DH, then he has really backed himself into a corner.
But that’s not your problem and while you are still so vulnerable, let them all get on with it.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and do one little thing every day which makes you feel a bit more human.
You are a really strong person, even though you might not feel that right now. We all hope your days will ease, and that time will bring a bit of healing.

@Pleasenotme based on your latest update re OW’s husband being oblivious. I think your H is under pressure to provide comfortable living quarters for ow and brood or she won’t jump ship . Put your foot firmly on the brake re anything financial and the divorce process and see how it comes unstuck for this self centred man! I would really love for him to get what he deserves.
I do also want you to get better and you will… just going to take time x

Thank you @Secondstart1001 I'm doing just that and not expediting anything at all. Not that I'm thinking with any great clarity so it's probably best that I'm in avoidance mode anyway. That said, H hasn't been in touch about it either but I still daily expect, and dread, the letter from a lawyer arriving.

Just so long as the OP doesn't have the jerk back when his bubble goes Pop.

OP, I've been reading and had an ache in my heart for you every day, wondering how you're doing and willing you the strength to get through it. You've had so much good advice, I can't add anything other than knowing the pain and shock when it comes out of nowhere. Sending you as much love and strength as I can, just take one day as it comes, one hour at a time if that's all you can manage, you've got this 💐

Won’t that just continue the illicit mess? The excitement?

My friend was probably around the age of your daughter OP when her Dad left her Mum after 30 years of a seemingly deeply loving marriage - for OW, completely blindsided the whole family as he was the epitome of a doting dedicated family man and turned into archetypal Ice Man. At the time her Mum said it would’ve been easier if he’d died.

Years later now and my friend and her Dad’s relationship never healed with her or her siblings. A part of my friends heart and trust in men / families seems to have been forever altered. Now she feels that this is for the best, it was a rude awakening but she carried a bit of an idealised view of marriage / relationships / families and takes a less naive view now. She’s in a very healthy happy relationship herself.

Her and her mum and her other siblings have the most amazing relationship- the siblings love and celebration and admiration for their mum is really something. It took her mum a long time to rebuild, including being hospitalised for MH - but her mum says now that she couldn’t have imagined the relationship she has with her grown kids could have evolved in the way it has and this would not have happened if her husband hadn’t left (my friend was a proper Daddies girl). She says she lost a husband but regained a wonderful family, now incl. grandchildren.

And she also says that she has worked hard not to dwell on resentment towards her ex husband, but is proud to have been able to have loved so strongly and deeply for so long - that’s the bit she hangs on to, the capacity to have loved, not the ending or the history he rewrote.

I see a lot of her strength and compassion in your writing. And if you can write so powerfully when you’re at the bottom of the well right now, I can’t imagine what a force to be reckoned with you must be when you’re feeling more yourself!

Watch out to your H when you get your mojo back is all I can say!

p.s one of her siblings chose to anonymously let the OW’s husband know what his wife had been up to….she ultimately was glad he found out but didn’t have to do it herself…

This is what I think, too.
OW is leaning on OP’s husband to sell up and buy somewhere for them to live en famille.

OW will then announce it as a fait accompli to her own husband

“ I’m leaving you and moving on with another man”

Stay put, @Pleasenotme Stick to your Home like a limpet to a rock, do not be deflected.

HOLD FAST.

Not when OW’s husband finds out about the sordid infidelity.
That will definitely take the gilding off the gingerbread.

But that won’t happen till she leaves. Unless the op tells. I was responding to the stay thing.