Do they ever come back? Devastated. Following on. Endless winter.

[Pleasenotme]

Do they ever come back? Devastated.
1000 replies

Pleasenotme · 17/09/2024 16:25
Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.
I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.
I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I would actually add it's not even him you want back - it is the place you were in with a marriage thinking all was well. Eventually you will look back and realise this is for the best. I didn't believe that either! These things happen time and time over - one of my friends after 44 years ! As a pp said you will survive but this bit is beyond tough and I believe I still carry that in my brain deep down. Like a pp I am remarried and happier than before. I had had enough of walking on eggshells , his moods etc but it was still devastating. The pain is physical as well as mental. I lost 20 kilos in less than 3 weeks - ran into someone else and she said OMG you look fabulous 🙄 . She didn't know. Ironically I ran into that person about 6 years later and she was a shell of herself - same thing. My children also have a wonderful relationship with my new husband and they are very close. As for yourself, take it easy. Don't be rushed. When people act like this it is just so disrespectful and that is the worst bit. They are cowards of the biggest kind.

Oh darling I remember going through what you are going through so well. It was an effort to get out of bed. But, I did and I came through it all and you will too. I know this is just words, I remember people saying all the same words to me and thinking blah blah. As other posters have said don't agree to anything you are not happy with. Once I toughened, ex got a shock I wasn't a little mouse anymore. Thinking of you. Your army is all behind you if you need to vent. Sending you strength. 💐.

It's so strange how after an emotional shock one is so physically affected.
The washing of hair.. the simple pegging out of laundry.

The clothes {So few since husband had left} felt like sheets of lead as I raised my arms to peg them out.

Mind and body are definitely dovetailed.

Regarding 'counselling'-

You will know when you are ''ready''.

Counselling in itself can be exhausting,

The deep trauma you are currently engulfed in sounds ''normal'' to me - it was so sudden for you.

It's not like you had a 'bleh' relationship for the last 10 years- you assumed you were in a good, functioning, supportive partnership, and bam, he lands this on you.

Of course you are going to feel physically ill.

Anyone would.

On a positive side - you have your lovely Children, and your real life friends who sound very supportive.

Thinking of you, as so many of us are.

@oakleaffy Regarding 'counselling'-
You will know when you are ''ready''.
Counselling in itself can be exhausting,

Completely agree. It wasn't until around six months after he left for the OW that I found the strength to go to counselling. And yes it was exhausting, and I think it made me feel worse before it made me feel better (if that makes sense). But it did make me see my relationship with him in a completely different light. It made me realise he was a selfish a-hole who never put his family first.

So much so that when he tried testing the waters a few months later, I was completely able to shut him down. By then there was NO WAY I was taking him back.

At around the same time as the counselling was making me feel better, I let my friends talk me into OLD. Completely unexpectedly, my first date turned into my DP of 11 years. We love each other to bits, and there's still that spark.

I’m so sorry op. Your pain is so obvious and it’s awful, I know that. But, this is the thing. Nothing he has done says anything about you as a person. Nothing. And, I know you don’t feel that now. You feel rejected and useless and….disposable and unlovable. But you ARE NOT. His shit choices, his shit decisions speak to his character, not yours. Did you keep your side of the agreement? Were you loyal and faithful? Then you have NOTHING to regret. nothing you could change. This isn’t you, it’s nothing to do with you. It’s a weak selfish man who couldn’t realise the diamond he had. More fool him
But you op will RISE. Like an absolute phoenix! It’s going to take time but I absolutely GUARANTEE you that you will look back and think “why on earth did that twat ever register in my world”.
We are all pulling for you, you can do this xxxx

Counselling is not a magic bullet- but the right counsellor at the right time can really help one realise why one feels as one does.

A very experienced NHS psychotherapist {who had once been a GP} said of son {aged about 7 } was so traumatised by his dad leaving that he had locked down his feelings.

She said to me ''When he is an adult, the feelings will probably bubble up and then would be a good time to access a good therapist.

What was so eerie- Son had an adult school reunion at the infant school where he was when his dad had left- and it triggered a sudden surge of old sorrow and also anger.

Fortunately I knew a good counsellor {male} - it was private, but those sessions son said really helped.

Some people are able to let feelings out- others wall them off, bricked up like the black cat in the Poe story.

It took 15 years before son felt able to look at feelings to do with Dad leaving.

@oakleaffySorry to hear about your son - it can be so hard on the kids.

Hi @Pleasenotme .

I've been loosely following your thread and really feel your pain and heartache with each post.

I don't really have the same level of experience with this kind of heartbreak (one big breakup and death of parent when young) but I think it's best to think of your H as now being deceased as effectively that version of him has now died and won't be coming back (Sorry, can't put that in a nicer way). Like any death, it's going to be horrendous for a while, but I promise as bleak as things appear to be now, things won't always feel this way and you will wake up one day and smile again. It just takes time. Lots of time and being kind to yourself.

As a side note, you are a wonderful writer and I did chuckle when you mentioned about your cat being on the 'divorce diet'. I bet the OW doesn't possess half the qualities that you do and it sounds like you have achieved a lot in your life and should be proud of those achievements.

Glad to read your recent post OP and I feel your strength in how you write. I mentioned a new world beginning before and at this moment you probably don’t want this , you just want your old one back with all the familiarity, memories and security that held.
As PP have said, it will take time, but one day you will wake up and realise you haven’t thought of him much lately. You will realise you are happy again. When you find more strength, in a few weeks or months, you will be able to see this as an opportunity to do things you have never done for a long time and express parts of you that you weren’t able to with him . At the moment you are in survival mode and can’t contemplate this I know.
My ex went to a reunion from uni and met a woman he had had a relationship with when a student . He left me and my two DC to rekindle this . He was 50 at the time .
Ten years later I am very happy with a new man - this could be you. Another person I know , similar thing, but she is revelling in singledom . We are all behind you and can testify to things only getting better - big hugs

It really can be.
Son says it really ruined his childhood.
He felt terrible rejection by his dad who went on to have another child.

This child’s life was so secure in comparison- and financially much better off, too.

Even my in laws said new child was “Very spoiled”

It is much harder on children than people like to admit.
Nowadays 50/50 seems much more the norm, but my ex used to do a half day every other week and would sometimes cancel that.

Kids really miss their dads and usually love them.

@oakleaffy My eldest DD (18) also experienced MH issues last year (eating disorder and SH). She also had some counselling. She had a bit of a heart to heart with her dad and opened up to him that she felt that he'd abandoned her. So very sad - for them both.

A little while ago he and the OW moved much closer and she's now gone to live with them. TBH I feel a bit hurt, but I'm glad their relationship is getting back on track and that she's happy.

Oh goodness me- That’s a bit of a painful thing for you- But we have to allow them to do this without guilt tripping them.

I know another woman in a similar position- her son also decided as a teenager to go and live with his dad ( after dad and OW split)
He’s now his dad’s carer.

It’s so often trotted out that kids are “happier” once a couple split- but not necessarily so.

I agree @oakleaffy (only my wonderful DP knows how I'm really feeling). I just regularly cheerily check in with her on text (she has ASC and is not great on the phone).

Personally I think it has to be a deeply unhappy home for kids to feel 'happier' when their parents split. DD1 took the break up really badly when she was 6. Would cry all the time. ExH told me I was making it up until her school teacher told him how upset she was - every day - at a parents evening.

DD3 was obviously way too young to register what had happened, but even DD2 was affected. She'd look around the house to find 'daddy' and became obsessed with the Stickman book (dad gets lost from his 'stick lady love and his stick children three' Father Christmas brings him back on Christmas Day).

@wakeupsmelltheroses Your post says I didn’t take anti depressants I wanted to be able to look after my children .

Um, what? That's a very stigmatised view of antidepressants you're promoting. ADs don't make you unable to look after your children, silly! You surely can't think that they turn you into zombies and you can't do basic tasks of daily living? Maybe ones from decades ago, or maybe anti-psychotics do. But just fyi, that's a n extremely ignorant and out-of-date view of ADs. Didn't take them because you wanted to be able to look after your children, indeed! I've never heard the like. Do you think that any parent on ADs should have their children taken away because the meds make them unable to look after the kids?? LOL! Modern ADs prescribed properly are a wonder for many and no one should lose any functionality from them. Their whole point is to restore functionality!!

Oh goodness don't 😭

..''She'd look around the house to find 'daddy' and became obsessed with the Stickman book (dad gets lost from his 'stick lady love and his stick children three' Father Christmas brings him back on Christmas Day).''
😭

My son used to wish every Christmas and Birthday that Dad would come back.

I had to gently tell him that it wasn't going to happen, that no wishing could make it so.

Probably if a child is witnessing really nasty violence at home it's more likely for them to be ''happier'' when Dad leaves- but otherwise?

I don't think so.

Also young children can't process loss and grief like older children, and lock it down more.

It's just so sad that there are so many broken homes around- even 50/50 a child is shuttled between two parents/step-parents half siblings- the so called ''Blended family''.

Morning OP how are you doing today?
How did you get on with the doctor?

Just stopping by to see how you are getting on, and to say "stick with the sertraline". It really does get worse before it gets better. I went to see a cardiologist about the palpitations and there was nothing serious wrong, but they were quite disconcerting for a while, then eased off.

You might find the dose needs to go up in a while if you're still having panic attacks.

Also wanted to say, as someone else did, that you are a wonderful writer!

Wow, lots of devastating stories of heartbroken kids that I'm not sure will help right now, though I'm so sad for you all living through this. Not every divorced family is like this though. My kids really are fine and move between two households without problem. Not every child is devastated by divorce though I have utmost sympathy for those living with kids that are.

@Pleasenotme

Sometimes you have to 'accept' the agony. I mentioned upthread about sometimes having to let the emotion 'roll over you'. Sometimes to fight it or deny it is more painful and exhausting than just saying "Yes, yes, this is how I feel right now. But I won't feel this way forever" and just letting it happen. Sort of like childbirth; it hurts like hell and we can't stop the pain. All we can do is roll with it knowing that that contraction will end. Yes, we also know there are more contractions but we also know it will be over eventually.

For some, denying that you love him doesn't work. Fighting the memories doesn't work. It just makes it harder because your heart knows what it knows.

I think it would be very good for you to get into counseling. Trust me, all counselors have heard it all. If you had a physical injury would you not go to the doctor because you're afraid they'll see your body? Of course not! You'd gladly bare your all to get treatment. Going to a counselor is the same. There's nothing you can say they haven't heard before and you're there to be healed. They'll let you get it all out and gently help you sift through things until you're ready to discard what needs to be discarded and rebuild with what's left. I know this because I've been there. It was hell to begin with, but it left me a wiser and stronger woman. One who had 2 eyes that were open wide and a good guard around my heart.

Give it a try.

@jaimelesoleil you have the wrong thread :)

@Pleasenotme hope you're feeling a little better today. Well, really I hope you're feeling a lot better today. Lots of us are thinking about you and sending hugs through the ether. 🤗💐

How are you today @Pleasenotme?

So sorry that you are going through this. It happened to me.
I think that the anxiety you are feeling could be the body’s reaction to trauma. It’s natural and will go away over time.
For me distance really helped. It’s scary but it’s a good way of moving forward.
I don’t think you are in a position to know what you want/ what you can tolerate right now. It takes time.
As you know your husband is being an idiot right now. If you can remove his drama from your life it may get easier.
Good luck to you. You will get through this

Hi Pleasenotm I do hope you have been able to sleep a bit more and that you have seen friends and family members this weekend. I found keeping busy helps to occupy the mind. especially at the weekends, the hardest days of the week. Going out for a short walk even if it is in the rain triggers the body to release endorphins that helps to deaden the pain. When do you plan to go back to work? Take care. x