Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

OP, there is an old thread Dumped by text, the OP later changed her name to Runninginrain. I do realize that your situation is way more complex, but if you would like to read something when you are ready, that may uplift you, I think that is the thread.

Could someone link this old thread for OP please. I cannot seem to fathom out how to post the link

Yep! Mwah ha ha indeed!

What an absolute cunt. I’m honestly shocked at the heartlessness of it.

You will come out of this stronger and happier than you have ever been. It’s a fresh start from that absolute scumbag.

What is with these men!? The absolute bare faced cheek of him. Block his number for now until you can compose yourself. To him, he will be showing the other woman with a “see what I had to put up with!” Mentality and feeding his sense of righteous.

I know it must be so so hard but try and muster the strength for your kids. Keep that dignity, keep your head held high and in the long term that fucker will regret what he has thrown away. Take care x

Firstly stop messaging him, unless it's over the children. Secondly seek legal advice. Thirdly, if you haven't already make an appointment with your children's Pastoral Care team. They aren't just there to help with school related matters. They can offer help and support to your children and possibly help signpost you for counselling too. Your husband has shown himself to perfectly capable of lying, so from now on, you can't trust a word he has said or may say to you. He may stop paying the mortgage if it suits him, so again one of the reasons why you need immediate legal advice. To do this to you, is bad enough but to your children is utterly unforgivable.

Oh op I’m so sorry.
we can all see that things will not end well for him. I reckon about a year - maybe six months and he will want to come
back. This is your time to be getting over the shock and grief and then getting strong.
see a solicitor and please don’t take him back - now he has dropped you all like this there is no going back

As an aside - I pity that OW’s kids.

Mum already has suicidal ideation (possibly - or possibly wanted to get attention on the internet). Has moved in a total stranger - one who as Op mentioned, is drinking heavily and on the sly - and is bastard enough to move across the world from his children.

That’s some next level cold shit! I admire his ability to compartmentalise all this and go about a normal life whilst organising all this in the background. You are much better off without this cunt in your life, I’d worry what else he’s capable of!

Oh this would be karma at its finest.

How I wish I was in NZ.

Have you claimed all the benefits that you are entitled to? I agree with PP he is paying mortgage to protect his own credit/assets and so that when the house is sold he can argue that he has continued to pay the mortgage for x years so is entitled to more, conveniently forgetting that he hasn't contributed to the costs of his children's living expenses.

As well as learning to drive I would work towards selling the house so you can be in a more convenient place for work and school. It will close the door for him on coming back.

I’m so sorry what an absolutely arsehole

he will regret this and come back with his tail between his legs, do not ever take him back

stop messaging him unless it’s to do with your kids speaking to him, but if they don’t want to then ignore that completely too. Screenshot all the messages.

see a solicitor

you’ve got this

Do you think his bump on the head actually caused personality change? This can happen, particularly with impulse control.

either way it’s absolutely horrendous and you’re doing an amazing job!

My dad did this and he wouldn't pay maintenance. Some men are grotesque.

It won't be all unicorns and rainbows with the random woman. When he comes creeping back tell him to feck right off.

Look after yourself and don't give him a moment of your attention, grey rock.

Jesus, I thought the way my wife ended our marriage was cruel and brutal, but this is next level! He's gone to start a new life in NZ with a woman he met online?! That is insane. Does he not want to see his children again? However, his mental breakdown is no longer your issue.

You're in shock, and the shock and later, the grief, can last a long time. On an intellectual level you need to accept that this has happened, and get a divorce lawyer. Lean on your friends and family for support, and if you can afford it, or have employer health insurance, get therapy. Take some time off work. I didn't do this and really wish I had.

I'm 18 months in and while I still often feel sad, I'm looking ahead to my future now. You feel like you'll die, but you won't. My friends and family were amazing and really held me together when I felt that life was over.

All the best. Keep posting.

Wow, you poor thing.

What a cowardly excuse for a man.

I can understand falling out of love with someone, I can even understand some of the reasons behind having an affair.
I did - and for me it was about the deep sadness within me and how much I hated myself - then someone came along who lit a spark and paid me lots of attention and with whom I felt a strong emotional connection. None of which I was getting elsewhere in my life.

But the reality was that it was all a fantasy and a huge mistake and eventually I came down to earth with a nasty bump. OM wasn’t who I thought he was.
It sounds like your h has wanted to run away from his life - maybe he suffered these personality changes as a result of his head injury? I know I felt like something had taken over me when I was seeing the OM - I now think I had some sort of mental breakdown as a result of a lot of stressful things going on in my life. I just couldn’t cope any more and it was an escape. It was so out of character for me and I’d been a faithful wife for 20 years, I’d never looked at another man.

Not saying any of this means he deserves sympathy - just that it sounds like more than just the usual affair scenario. To leave his kids like that is just unbelievably callous and selfish. If he wasn’t generally a selfish person and was a good dad I’d wonder if there isn’t something else going on. Not that it makes a difference - it just seems very odd.

He is obviously extremely emotionally avoidant and unable to deal with the consequences of his actions so instead has ran away - but he won’t be able to run away from the guilt he’ll feel about abandoning his kids. I doubt anyone could do what he’s done and feel good about themselves.

Although I wanted to leave my dh I never once thought about leaving my dcs.

You’ll be ok eventually of course, but it will obviously take some time - you’re still in the shock/grieving process.

Someone moving across the world like that and discarding their family without a backward glance is so shocking even strangers on the internet struggle to comprehend, so it’s not surprising you are still in shock. I hope he at least does right by you all financially. Sending lots of love to you and your dcs and everything good for the future.

@Cleme I think whilst you're processing this the messages to him are because you want back your stability and routine of what you knew, when you've realised what he's actually done, when his bollocks has sunk in, I suspect you'll want nothing from him besides the money he owes the children he's created.
As you grieve and the cold harsh reality of his cowardice and sly nature hits you, you'll be glad he's nowhere near you.

Also, whilst very upsetting for OWs DC who are at a shitty hormonal time of life anyway with a mam who is at worst suicidal at best manipulating men online for attention, this situation exh has put himself in isn't exactly winning an award for healthy romance of the year, is it?

I wonder if he got some kind of brain damage with his Haemorrhage? It's just such a obvious clusterfuck situation. Who of sound mind could do this?
This sounds like when some kids receive a significant traumatic head injury and then become serial killers level head trauma.
It's just so fucking idiotic he'd do this. What a little arsehole he is.

Each time you want to text him just hold off as long as you can until the urge goes or you can't fight it, say what you want, get it off your chest. Fuck him, he's ruined your homelife, you can send a message calling him a twat if you feel up to it.

And I'm very sorry this is happening to you and your DC x

I bet I could imagine the picture he painted to her, it'll definitely be sympathetic to him and how his marriage is already over blah blah blah. Hes such a twat, make sure you get to solicitor asap and get money situation sorted as well as all things like house and car. Get yourself driving lessons asap, you can do things like crash courses and be driving in a month. It's terrible now but soon you will see the better life you're going to have without him

Ha! That visa thing is good. But you nice again I am aghast at the absolute awfulness of some men. And they must have seemed so nice for good women to marry them in the first place.

If you’re anywhere near Kent message me. I’m a driving instructor and would have the biggest incentive to make you into the best driver ever. It’s empowering and by god you need a bit of that at the moment. I’m furious on your behalf.

I can’t believe what this man is done, I know some men think of women as disposable but his kids too? At some point your anger levels will be through the roof. Buy a punchbag now ready, you’ll need it. Stick a picture of his nasty face on it.

Echoing what others have said about therapy. Your children are going to be affected, he’s failed them so badly, it needs processing.

Really feel for you all, what a situation.

Thanks all xxx

Regarding brain injury, sadly can't pin this insanity on that. He had booked everything months before. The accident was just over 6 weeks ago.

That he still went after we were all so upset for him and looked after him is astounding.

He did say that having an accident like that made him reasses his life. I thought he meant mending our relationship after the affair and apreciating us all.

Nope!

Book driving lessons today! Sending you the biggest unMumsnetty hug x

Is it possible to transfer as much money as you can into your personal bank account?
I feel for you. I was in a similar position 10 years ago. My husband’s actions and treatment of our sons were so appalling that I wouldn’t have taken him back. I felt it was important to secure my financial position.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your children. I was in your shoes many moons ago. My exh walked out and emigrated without a backward glance leaving me with a toddler and small baby. I somehow managed to find the strength to put one foot in front of the other and get on with life. He’d shown me his true colours and the fact that he could walk away from 2 little children made me despise him.

As I suspected, the novelty of his new life quickly wore off within a couple of years and he wanted us to get back together. There was no way I would have considered it. He was a poor excuse for a man just like yours 😡

What kind of man can walk away from his children because he has his sights on a more attractive life for himself. I hope you find the strength you need to go on to have a happy life with your children . It’s very likely his new life will turn to shit🤞 So be prepared for him wanting to worm his way back into yours. My children grew into adulthood without him in their lives as he chose to remain abroad. They have both said they’ve had a great childhood and he’s the one who lost out, not them.

You’ll get through this Cleme . I’m glad you’ve got your parents for support. Mine were wonderful. My lovely Dad was the father figure in my children’s lives growing up. I credit him for the fine man, husband and dad my son has become.

Wishing you better days to come and a happy life for you and your children 💐

( I’ve held back from saying what I wish for your soon to be exh. )

I agree that my anger needs to be constructive. I think it has been directed into messaging him too much.

But when someone leaves by tect you don't have a chance to say anything!

You know what, I think the horror of that is lost by the horror of everything else: he didn’t even tell you or the kids?