Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

I was also going to ask about the head injury but you say he had already booked it months before! Did you know that at the time?

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words. I would go completely quiet on him. Let him wonder what’s happening from so far away. No updates on the kids or anything. He can’t have it both ways.

Or was he doing all this planning in secret?

When someone shows you who they are believe them.

I will write that down!

Does he have parents, siblings etc?

I would contact them clear-headed and tell them what has happened before he’s on the phone crying that he hated his life so much this was the only way he would see of carrying on…. And they close the door to feeling sorry for you.

I’d welcome others input on whether this is a good or bad idea.

Oh he’s just a bog-standard, cliched, selfish and callous piece of shit then.

So nice that he “re-assessed his life” and decided that meant abandoning his family and responsibilities and fucking off to Oz. What a joke.

( I’ve held back from saying what I wish for your soon to be exh. )

Well I’m not - I hope he gets bitten on his willy by a red back spider and it turns septic and falls off.

Planning on home changes.

It is so hard isn't it - when you chose thngs together, had things as presents. Everything is a trigger. He was an artist so his prints are everywhere. Prints that I encouraged hin to make, gave him ideas for.

Ugh!

He thinks that the further he goes, the easier it will be for him to shake off old feelings (guilt) and habits (alcohol) and start a new life.

Such cowardice and idiocy from a father, and husband of 17 years beggars belief.
He will soon realise that, even on the other side of the planet, new start or not, he can’t get away from himself. Karma will catch up with him one way or the other.

OP, you have a much better chance of happiness without him than he has without you and his children.
You really do deserve to have a new start, once the shock, panic, and fog of hopelessness subsides, so go for it!
You sound very switched on with a lovely family and friends. Things will get OP. Don’t despair.
Look after yourselves with some good counselling ….and good luck !

What a callous shitbag. I’m so sorry x

I am so sorry to hear your situation was similiar.

My conscience is very clear. I would never in a million years do such a thing.

My children keep saying you did everything Mum, you did everything you could.

They are so lovely!

OP, I am so so so sorry.

I’ve been in the same boat, literally. My husband disappeared while I was at work, having spent a year arranging a new life for himself in his home country. He too had multiple women on the go and kept promising to cut things off and stay. Only difference is we had no kids, I was 6 weeks pregnant.

You MUST cut him off. Let him go. He’s not coming back. He is not a good person. He will DESTROY your sanity.

Allow yourself and your kids time and space to grieve the loss of the husband and father you thought he was. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family. Tell your boss if you can and ask for some slack at work - for me this was a life saver. Put yourself and your kids first. Seek good-quality, (I.e. expensive) therapy if you can.

It’s been a year for me since my bastard cowardly excuse of a husband left. He also kept me on the hook for months afterwards promising to come home and redeem. It was all lies. After I cut him off it was awful for a few months, but now I’m feeling better again. Time does heal. You just have to have faith.

Will do x

Good grief this is honestly one of the worst "man being an absolute piece of shit" stories I've read on here. I'm so sorry OP.

I think pp are right that you need to jump on legal advice and getting financials sorted asap while he's still feeling guilty - that will dry up fast and, if other similar experiences are anything to go by, he'll then turn nasty and vindictive. So get that ball rolling asap.

I'm manifesting her two teenagers being horrible, awful nightmare children who give him absolute hell.

Take care of yourself, wishing you all of the peace and healing the universe has available 💐

God, it is astnoshing isn't it. How can people be so duplicitous???

So sorry to hear your story too.

You need to see a solicitor, but rather than rely upon him to pay the mortgage - he can stop at any time - I think I would prefer to enforce the child maintenance and then claim UC to top up your earnings.
Sorting out your finances is a priority. It's time to be pro active, rather than react to his behaviour.

This is why I love Mumsnet

Jesus, I think he’s done you a favour. Who wants a man that drinks and one that’s stupid enough to emigrate after knowing someone in person for 10 days and someone that has 2 teenage children that more than likely will not give him a warm welcome.

You feel like your world has collapsed right now but you are in a way better place than he is. You will be fine, you’ve got your children, family and friends around you.

Stat strong and never let the weasel back in. Stop texting him, I know from experience this does not help and will make you feel stupid further on down the line. He doesn’t deserve your attention. Sort CMS out, sort benefits out and look at increasing your earning power. He will stop paying the mortgage, mine lasted 2 months of payments and then stopped. This new woman will not like him paying your mortgage.

I have lodgers to help me pay me mortgage and allow a bit irritating at times, it mostly works really well. Tax free money too.

Wow. My dad was an artist too. Didn’t want to be bogged down wanted to be free and paint!

He will lie about what’s happened, maybe not straight away but over time. He cannot tell the story as it is to anyone so he’ll try and blame you.

My cousin didn’t even know that my dad had affairs and never paid a penny - he told his whole family my mum chucked him out as he got ill. Also, later, that’s she’d poisoned our minds against him. She was incredible, I now know, never slagged him off and it must’ve been very hard.

Much as I would absolutely love this to happen I fear it might be going down the wrong road.

I guess he will get a pile of metaphorial dog poo soon enough X

Thanks all - this has made me laugh A LOT!

Avoiding artists at all costs from now on. Even though I am a creative myself...

He has his dream artist job out there.

So no, he has no intention of coming back to a daily grind, school run, cleaning the loo type of life.

I think prepare your DC that the relationship with him will die off. I know a father who did similar and for the first month zoom calls were fine, by six months the time zone difference and the schedule of his new life postponed one too many calls.

I feel sorry for you but your poor poor DC. What a bastard!

There will still be loos to clean in NZ @Cleme

I say this gently as you have been through a terrible trauma, but these are not conversations you should be having with them. You do need that support, of course you do, but perhaps with a friend or a therapist whom you can offload to until the storm passes.

It’s great your daughter has support at school though, I’d have hated a therapy dog at school (sorry, dog people) but they seem to be quite the thing these days.

Oh an artist.

Was wondering how he had seemingly got a job so easily!

no, I know I shouldn't be off-loading on to them, Mostly, it is just general stuff they've said themselves voluntarily when I have been crying. I try not to cry in front of them.

I am trying to not say anything bad about him to them. I have said that he loves them.

They are very open children so am hoping this will help them through.