Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

OP when the novelty wears off and reality hits he may come running back with his tail between his legs.
Be prepared for that. Keep this thread as a record of what a shit he is, and how hurt you are feeling right now.
At the moment he has 2 women that want him, he must feel like a God.
You need to stop contact with him, hard I know, you are hurting. This is a shock for you but he has been planning this for quite some time. Lying to you and your DC all this time.

This really is a most despicable act on his part. Please look after yourself and your children, no matter how hard it will be over the coming months. He will live to regret this and no good will come of it, but, if you are strong and move forwards you will be in a position to withstand his pleas if he asks to return. He has been through a lot recently but being cruel to your family is no way of dealing with the hurt. It shows his true personality. You are worth so much more than this so look to yourself and your children and a better future without him.

Your STBXH is an absolute selfish scumbag. He's painted himself as some kind of saviour to this woman I guess.

From the information you've given on his reasons to move it sounds like a shaky foundation on which to build a relationship. He's known her in reality for the honeymoon period of 10 days? Reality will settle in no doubt and there is a chance he'll come pleading back. Stay strong and seek help to build your confidence and separate yourself from any future hellish situation.

There are reciprocal agreements between NZ and the UK, so I'd focus my angry energy on getting that organised, seeing a solicitor and getting divorce proceedings going.

Do you have a family car? If so would it be possible to learn to drive and give yourself some independence on that side? Or sell up and relocate closer to schools?

I'm so sorry OP. I really feel that there should be prenups in place, to make people with children accountable for their twattish behaviour.

He will have told her some cock and bull story about how awful you are @Cleme they all rewrite history to paint themselves in a better light as deep down they know what a shitty thing they are doing.

Fingers crossed there's a reciprocal cms agreement in NZ too.
This is one of the most extreme things I've read on MN.
Once reality hits him, in a country that's not home, he'll come crawling back.
You deserve so much better.

I am shocked reading this op!! He is insane and I genuinely wondered if he was a psychopath. This is a serious level of manipulation and deceit.. honestly I know you are wishing for your old life back - but he is not a good person or a good dad or a good partner. You are all so so so much better off without him in your lives. Sending you strength… it will seem bleak now but you must look upwards and reach for freedom from him. Xxxxx

This other woman sounds unhinged and needy. Two teenagers … I bet that they will give him grief. I also think that they’ve not had a good upbringing from the way their mother acts and who knows about their dad. Your ex is in for a good time there. He’ll think back to the nice time with you and kids. You will have rightfully moved on and so will your kids. What a shitty loser he is. I also think that this woman believes he will be paying out for her and her teens. Once he’s paying for his own kids there won’t be much extra left. He’s probably not thought of this. Get everything in place for you and kids. Don’t give a backward glance.

OP, I’m from NZ and I’m pretty sure there is a reciprocal child maintenance scheme of sorts? Have heard of something like that through Brits here. Definitely worth investigating and making him pay.

What a total loser of a person though, would totally dump a load of dog poo on his door if he lived close!! Can’t believe someone is capable of such terrible behaviour

Wishing you all the very best, such a tough situation.

OP, how dreadful. Yes, see a lawyer and I encourage you to do it today.

Cleme, you are really doing incredibly, we can all see your strength so don't doubt yourself!
My sister eventually got away from an absolutely disgusting human being who was also the father of her DD, and 10 years on she is 60 and living the most wonderful life.
The other side of this misery is just around the corner, get whatever support you need - don't be afraid to ask, hold your head up and hang on in there xxx
p.s. the sisterhood is here now with you and your DC! xxx💪💞

What a horrifyingly disgusting thing to do. It’s one thing abandoning your wife for another woman, but to entirely give up your relationship with your children? What kind of a man does that.

and what kind of a woman thinks that she’s so damn special that she’s worth that and he’s NOT just a nasty piece of shit that would do the same to her? Laughable and tragic

Because she will have been spun a story. How he's so unhappy, neglected, it's not working, blah blah blah. This is what these lowlife men do. The OW are often as duped and lied to as the wives/mothers of their children. They often are made to believe they are saving the man from whatever terrible situation he's in, bringing him back to life, urrrgh.

This may sound controversial but from what I've seen, most OW are not terrible humans and don't usually set out to get involved with married men. Often they don't know the dude is married when they're in the early stages and it comes out when they're already into the guy. It often happens by drip feed. Maybe first he admits he's separated or separating. Then it's "oh we're still living together but we're not together". By the time they find out he's actually still very married, they can often be a long way in. Then the lines come out about how miserable they are, only staying for the children, you're the only thing making life worth living, blah blah. The version of you and your life she has from him may be VERY different to the version you have been living. I'm saying this because it's something to be prepared for.

There are some women of course that have no problem with it, or are genuine "home wreckers" but IME those are quite rare.

My background is psychology and I worked in child, adolescent and family services. I saw a LOT of kids of divorce, and worked with a lot of separating/separated parents. This blueprint is as old as the hills. The number of selfish, shitty men I came across who "had a breakdown" (ie excuse for an affair) because having a neurodivergent/disabled child was too hard (although conveniently the mother never had that luxury and was usually doing all the work) and it is also quite common for men to do this after a health scare or serious illness too. Usually after the wife has nursed them back to health. Because the illness gave them some sort of sense of YOLO, or something, and they suddenly realised they didn't want to be husbands and fathers any more.

The OW will find out soon enough that he's a selfish turd, and will regret falling for whatever lines she's been spun that have made her cross her own lines in the process.

Thnaks so much all xxx your support is quite overwhelming. I do feel stronger now. I am getting my son ready for school now so if I don't reply that is why.

Thanks once again!

How to make afew Bob- place bets on how long before he realises the grass is not greener and he not swanning off into the sunset….
seriousoy though you will get through this, yes he’s a scummy human but you can grieve your relationship, allow yourself time for this, but also have times you put your gameface on and get cracking on arrangements, keep everything in writing and try to keep contact pragmatic and non emotional

My dad did this, but they had been split up for a few years due to other affairs. When they divorced he wrote the court a letter saying he didn’t think he should have to pay maintenance as he wasn’t bothered about seeing us anyway. Three kids, youngest was three.

He moved to Oz three years later and did not work, so no maintenance, lied on his visa that had no kids. My mum preferred it to be honest, apart from the money, as she made all the decisions.

It’s a very hard thing to cope with. 30 years later it still has an impact on us all. If they can maintain a relationship in the long term it’s probably better for the kids.

As for you, he is scum. He is a man-child and this co-dependant nonsense relationship will crash and burn and he will crawl back. Do not let him, living well is the best revenge. And in time you will heal and move on and be happy. This is not on any level a decent man, that bit of him was not true, this is who he is.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

😁

This with bells on

If you're not working today @Cleme start a list of 'things to do' so when you feel the need to contact him have a task instead.

1. Get what you can changed in the house.
2. Bin/burn anything he's left
3. Lawyer up!
4. Look into the cms in Nz, so hopefully if you have his NI and other details to hand that'll speed things up.

He can fuck off to the far side of fuck, then fuck off some more!! To paraphrase a m-netisim!

Sending a huge huge hug. What. Disappointment he is. Be assured that his new shiny relationship sounds like a disaster - she has a history of suicidal thoughts and he was trying to be her saviour……. He’s moved across the world away from all his friends and family……. She has two teenagers and some rando has just moved in.

What an absolute twat. The worst kind.

I agree with PP about getting divorce process (and finances especially) in order ASAP. By paying the mortgage, he is arguably protecting his own financial interests, not yours. He needs to be paying CMS, and potentially spousal maintenance. Spousal maintenance isn’t common in the UK, but in this instance - with absolutely no warning and you in an isolated area, unable to drive - I can imagine it might be possible, even if only temporarily.

I also wonder if it might be ‘rip the plaster’ time. Is moving closer to your son’s school and parents a possibility? Or into a bigger town/city to give you better public transport and employment options?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

This thread is awful!!! So many spineless, limp dicked tossers swanning off to the other side of the fucking world??? Leaving their wives literally and figuratively ”holding the baby/babies”. It beggars belief, it really does. You ladies who have navigated this kind of shit show are utter bloody warriors, with bigger balls than they will ever have!!!
And no @CrazyGoatLady there is nothing a man could say to me, ever, which could make me think it’s a good idea or even remotely acceptable for him to abandon his children. Even the thought of a man who does that makes my legs clamp shut!!!!

Another one horrified at his callousness. Lots of good advice aready OP - keep talking and women on here will help.

He has displayed a breathtaking level of cruelty here, both to you and his children. You know already that you need to stop messaging him.
I'm so sorry that he is such an utter wanker. Sending you a huge hug.

Yep, I see that miserable coupling lasting about 5 minutes.

On the other hand, in terms of emerging from this unshackled, with lovely DC and a fantastic drama-free life, it's Cleme for the WIN!! 🤗

I’m annoyed for you. Who leaves their children to live on the other side of the world! It was cowardly to tell you by text. But to let you think everything was fine throughout the summer rather than leave. I’m pretty sure it won’t work out for him but he will have lost everything. Can you support yourself financially? I wouldn’t trust him to pay the mortgage etc? I’m sorry but I think you are better off without him long term.