Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

I am a bit concerned that you are not pushing for a divorce and you mention that he is unhappy. I hope this doesn't mean you're going to sweep everything under the carpet and have him back.

Oh god, @Cleme , don't wait for his explanation. File as early as you feel able to. He's a cockwomble of the highest order, a selfish arse. Be rid.

Glad you are doing well OP and have good people around. Don’t take him back OP whatever you do! His behaviour is absolutely inexcusable. It’s not exactly surprising if it isn’t working out for him in the way he had hoped. But no mental breakdown or mid life crisis excuses his selfish, cruel, dishonest behaviour.

You're doing so well OP.
Do the woman's teenagers live with her? I can't imagine that's easy if so. I wonder if her personality is as it appeared to him online and during his short holiday.

Hi all, no don't worry - reconciliation isn't on the cards. I paused divorce so when I do it I'm not so emotional. I was finding it traumatic.

I have kept contact so that children have options for a relationship with him in the future. I feel they need that even if they can't envisage a relationship at the moment.

Yes, her children are with her I think. I imagine the reality is nothing like the dream. Grass not greener!

Children and I are off on a Christmas adventure today. We have lots to look forward to!!

Have a lovely Xmas with your family, Cleme.🥳
No, the grass is never greener, my Ex H found that out too! Ho ho ho!🎅

I am so impressed by the way you have handled this. You are amazing!
Wishing you and the family much love and light in 2025.

@Cleme sorry but you should not be facilitating his contact with the kids!! that is on him, not you! I would not be waiting to see him before going for divorce either. he will be thinking he might get his fat selfish feet back under the table!!

Thank for the update. I am glad you have weathered the storm and are so strong. Such a great role model to your DC!

I agree with others, get the divorce moving. I would also keep contact to a minimum to protect yourself. Perhaps even have a separate phone/number for his contact so you can leave it in a drawer and only check it occasionally.

Glad to hear you’re OK. Not surprised it isn’t all fantastic for him. Who could have predicted?!

You do need to get the divorce going. He’s sly keeping up the payments. He thinks you and your home are still an option. Have you changed the locks?

If he ends up returning at the end of the academic year, and you won’t take him back, or he doesn’t want to come back, he will be trying to get as much £ from the divorce as possible.

I think you’ll get a better settlement now.

Even if you divorce him and he comes back and persuades you that it was all a mistake, you can take him back if you must.

It’s about getting the best settlement you can for you and DC from a man who abandoned you all. And happily let you all look after him when he was ill knowing he was leaving you all behind for a sparkly new life.

Reconsider meeting with him though. He’s a special kind of lying arsehole this one. He abandoned his DC. I don’t think you need to facilitate contact with him. It could send the message that they are wrong to feel what they feel etc etc.

Your DC sound great. Have a fabulous Christmas together. I really hope he has a miserable one.

💐

Awesome update OP, I've never been divorced but I've experienced overwhelming negative emotions and needed a break so I do get why you paused on the divorce.
Merry Xmas and do us another update if you like, I have followed your thread from the start. You are a badass.

@Cleme you are doing so very well and an inspiration to all of us. Some of the stories here are heartbreaking, I simply don't understand how one human being can cause so much hurt intentionally.

Merry Christmas to you and your 2 Dc

Be very careful of such a snake.
It is actually hard to believe a parent would do such a thing.

I would be very slow to be encouraging your children to remain in contact.
Be guided by them.

You never want them to think that this is normal behaviour.

Their father is scum. The end.
As adults they will find this truly unfathomable.
There is nothing normal in what he has done.
You are doing so well.

Love being called a badass!
It's been hard but I am determined to be positive and have a happy life regardless. I have so many good things to be thankful for.

I do get why people are cautioning about contact with children. At the moment they don't want any contact. I am in contact with him so if they change their mind the channels are open. Who knows what is best for them in the long term? They might want a relationship in the future and I want to make that as stress free as possible for us all.

I will be revisiting the legal stuff in new year. I just knew I had to step a way for a little bit.

Yes, how can someone do this???? I have asked myself that question every day since it happened.

Merry Christmas to you all. 💚

Escape fantasy.

Rather than live your life that you have made, confront your mistakes, communicate with family, change what you can to be happy, etc rg … they escape, tell lies and pursue a fantasy because they cannot confront themselves and who they are. IMO.

Please don’t take him back @Cleme

Pleased to hear your update op. Keep going you are over the first.of the shock now. Happy Christmas.

@Cleme

I'm not at all surprised to hear that he isn't happy.
Those teenage kids of hers{OW's} will not be pleased!

The OW my husband left me for had two older children, and they were fundamental in splitting my ex and the OW up.{they got married as soon as the divorce came through}..it was a sudden and 'passionate' great Love.

Til it wasn't.

My husband left around this time of year exactly {but not to NZ!}
son was 4, and he's now an adult.

You are very wise to keep things 'open' so that your children can see their dad in future without feeling guilty or disloyal to you. They will make their own minds up about what sort of a father he is.

I spoke with son just the other week about his Dad, and son knows very well how selfish his Dad was, but son still can't confront his dad about painful things, to this day.

Fear of rejection? Who knows. His dad remarried a third time and DS has a half sibling.

Oddly, son said OW's sons were very good to him, and for that I am very grateful.
Those boys had clearly gone through a lot when their OWN Dad left, and they weren't enamoured of their mother moving in a new man.

Have a lovely Christmas with your Children , Cleme. ⭐

Have a wonderful Christmas with your children 🌲

I hope he's drowning in regret and has a miserable Christmas.

I’ve kind of lived this. My ex ran off with another woman when DD (almost 10) was 12 months old. Not heard from him since….
I did the same as you initially OP, the messaging. I even begged him! I promise you, it gets much easier as time goes on.

It's mind boggling how men can just clear off without a backward look at their innocent children.

Such utter arseholes, and your Daughter deserved so much better.

I just can't understand how men can do this.

It's mind-boggling the women think they've got such a "prize" too and are ok with him abandoning a child.

And Merry Christmas to you

I'm actually surprised he's letting you know he's not happy. I thought he'd be pretending everything is wonderful. Makes me wonder if he's hoping you'll keep the door open for him to come back. I think you're doing the right thing not wanting this as he'd only hurt you again and treat you like a doormat. I also think you're right to allow contact between him and dc though.