Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

Bloody hell.

What kind of man just walks out on his kids like that? Poor, poor kids, they must feel so rejected and abandoned.

Painful as it is, adult relationships break down, people fall out of love, but to see your kids walk out of the door to go swimming and then leave them forever because you were chasing an online woman with whom you had had 10 days RL contact?

Inhuman.

I am so sorry OP.

Try not to lean on the kids. They have lost someone who should have been 100% dependable, they need to know you are strong enough to look after them.

It’s a double whammy he has landed on you.

ZekeZeke · Today 06:38

What a gormless twat.
You need to see a solicitor ASAP. Get your divorce proceedings started, all entitlements etc.
Are you reliant on him financially?
Is it possible to move back to your parents even temporarily for your DC school?
Put learning how to drive, your number 2 objective for this year, number 1 being divorce.
Tell EVERYONE what he did. He will rewrite history. Get an STI check.
You will get through this. Surround yourself wirh people friends and family who care for you.

This above is what I would have advised this happened to my childhood and my mother at first tried to carry on as before actually its when dramatic change happened that things got better because its taking back control . We became a very strong loving unit to this day . U want to be able to be in control of your life minus him as soon as possible because he will pull the rug up again if he needs to he will also lie to himself and others to sleep at night . My father lied to all our friends , family made up complete fiction and rewrote the narrative so that he now believes it as fact . This is how selfish narcs live with themselves they reinvent the narrative with them as the victim. As others have said the best revenge is stable secure happiness as he will deep down never be at peace and in all honesty he will never understand the self sacrifice and devotion of true love when you can look someone clearly in the eye with love because ripping up a family in the covert way he did isn’t the best foundation for a blissful ideal . One day u will look back and realise your wings were clipped and how much you are capable of. Forget the Disney Prince women are capable of so much when unshackled my mother went on to achieve amazing things still does . I hope u get to find how much your capable of without holding him up u know all your energy went into propping him up thats how it goes with very weak men.

Change the locks on the house this won't last and one day you will have him walking back into "his" house because "he paid for it" your reasons for doing this are you "believe he is having a break from reality" and you "don't know what he did with his house keys"

I'd stop messaging him. Today. Get legal advice and only inform him on their say so. Probably best not to lean on your children, see what help they may need. I'd sell anything of his that may have some value. I wouldn't do anything to improve your income without legal advice. You could look at training? You may want to focus on your career development at some stage in the future. You've had a massive shock but you do have the skills and the motivation to move forward. One day at a time.

@Cleme sending you a very big hug. DD’s ‘father’ did this when I was about 5 months pregnant, moved to Spain apparently, he just stopped returning my calls. Dd was born early and extremely ill. She’s now 22 and is on enough, certainly better than if that piece of shit had stayed around.
Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault, it’s all on him, your conscience is clear and ultimately that is one of the most important things.
Dont forever to be kind and respectful to yourself and your feelings. X

Dd is ok enough!

This is awful. Fucking hell.

It will take a long time to heal from this, both for you and the children.

For you, I cannot imagine the agony of this. The anger, and the betrayal. That will take a long time for you to process. I suspect you'll come out the other side stronger and happier, your ex was clearly a fuckwit, but it's ok to feel a lot of other emotions along the way.

The children must be completely traumatised. The sense of abandonment will last with them forever. I would recommend some therapy for them, not just through the school but through other channels so there is long-term support for them.

The shock and suddeness of it, and the completeness of it (realistically you might night never see him again) makes it so much harder to deal with. My heart goes out to all of you, I can't believe how calm and composed you sound in the circumstances.

Not only is there a reciprocal agreement with New Zealand for maintenance but they will trace errant parents for payment, won't get him back but your children deserve to be paid for as a bare minimum

What a horrible man to do that to his family.

Speak to a solicitor, get some legal advice, regain some control. Try and stop messaging him as hard as it is.

He isn’t who you thought he was. You sound lovely, get on line or girls night out and meet someone who is actually nice! X

OP I’m so sorry. He’s a sociopath.

On the dog poo idea - if you know his address, I’d absolutely love it if a local mumsnetter could hand-deliver a note to his new house:

’Hi, Cleme’s (RL name) husband and the other woman! Welcome to the neighbourhood. We’re a close community and always look out for each other, you’ll find no secrets last long here haha! Good luck with your new venture in NZ, The NEIGHBOURS’

He’d shit himself!

If he's paying a substantial mortgage that might be more beneficial and voluntary payment is better than going to court

Get yourself a solicitor.

Send one last message with your solicitors details.

Block him.

He's clearly not thinking straight, because any decent human with children wouldn't take themselves to the other side of the world never to see them again.

This is going to get horribly messy and I'm so sorry he's going to do this to you and the kids.

Lean on your friends and family. And on us here.

His behaviour is shocking. He has destroyed your family and probably your mental health. I’m so so sorry. I wish I could tell you how much newer you’re going to get and that your life will start to have real meaning when you start to heal but it’s hard to hear that when you are where you are. I’ve been there and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel for literally years I wish you love and healing.

Bloody hell.

I hope that you are finding some useful advice on this thread, Op.

All I will add is that you shouldn't be surprised if his "generous" offer of paying the mortgage is withdrawn sooner rather than later.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Same here - a man who would abandon his children is not someone I'd want to touch with a ten foot pole! Mind, there's a lot you can hide when you live in a different country to your side piece.

I had a friend who was involved with a married guy who had two children. She never even knew he had kids until she knew him for 6 months. She knew my thoughts about him, and the situation, I never judged her but didn't condone it either. She didn't actually want him to leave his wife and kids but one day he turned up on her doorstep because his wife found out. Reap what you sow, I guess!

I’ve no wise advice but sending you and your children a huge hug. Be kind to yourself xx

This is so shocking to read! I am so sorry for you, OP, and for your poor children who must feel so confused & upset too

What kind of man abandons their children like that & moves to the other side of the world?

At least he has shown you what sort of man he is and, although it feels so awful right now, you are better off without someone like this.
I am.glad you have your parents for support.

You sound like a strong person and a great mum to your kids.
You will get through this.

Sending you love & strength xxx

What a shocking thing he has done. I do feel for you.

What happens when this new woman he has shacked up with becomes suicidal again? How long will he put up with that? What if she turns to someone else on the internet? What if the teenagers are horrendous to live with? It doesn’t sound like a very stable basis on which to set up a new relationship in a new country with a new family?

He may well want to come back so be prepared for that but maybe not for some time. My ex wanted to come back after a year by which time I did not want him. He had spent that year telling me about his new dating lifestyle laughing his head off and thinking I would be interested. He is still single ten years later. 😐

What in utter bastard he is doing this to you and in such a cowardly way. You will get plenty of support on here and it sounds like you are being supported in rl. Keep your chin up.

When you've got through this and regained your strength and independence it's going to hit him what he's lost and thrown away. You have your children and he's got nothing but a hollow fantasy.

This is terrible, what a poor excuse for a human being. I cannot understand how anyone can move so far from their children.
Does he have any family, parents/siblings etc? What do they think about this? I would cut ties with my brother if he did something like this.

This is all so new and very very raw.

Please do speak to a solicitor - this is one of those situations where, the longer he’s gone, it’s more likely he will be more unreasonable- so time is of the essence really.

Also, try and find your anger (as it’s a slightly easier emotion to deal with then sadnes). This isn’t due to a difficult year - it’s been going on for YEARS. He’s an utter utter arsehole.

You know, I kind of would love it if the OP's ex was now constantly pranked by NZ Mumsnetters and kept finding notes saying "that's what you get for treating Cleme like that" and he's all "HOW DOES SHE EVEN KNOW SOMEONE IN NEW ZEALAND?!?!"

THE POWER OF MUMSNET COMPELS YOU!

You’ve had some good advice and support. Someone has said that the voluntary payments might be better but if they are voluntary they can stop at any time. A friend of mine is receiving no maintenance as her ex suddenly decided to stop paying her so she now has to go down the route of trying to enforce this but that takes time. Also I agree with the people who said strike while he’s still feeling guilty. I didn’t as I didn’t feel I had mental capacity but I think I got a worse deal as a result.
key things - minimise contact with ex, counselling for you & the kids, legal advice asap, don’t be shy at leaning on people, make your house your own particularly your bedroom but making small changes, and be kind to yourself. Big hugs 💐

This is bad advice. Get family support payments set in stone legally. This way you have a procedure if he stops paying.