Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

No, absoluely not bad to think that! Let;s hope it is a higher one next time...

And to think I was so worried about him!

I had something similar to this, my ex went to Singapore through work and never came back after 19 years and 2 kids together.
Try and get a financial agreement ASAP drawn up by your solicitor while he's still feeling guilty and promising the moon, that won't last last unfortunately. I got some counselling so I didn't dump on everyone around me all the time as it was all I could talk about for a very long time.
My 9 year old did better than the 12 year old who was quite badly affected, neither of them have a great relationship with him now. The gp gave me some sleeping pills which I took only when I really needed them.
Watched a lot of box sets at night if I couldn't sleep, to this day I need background noise to help me sleep. You will get through this, let the school know so they can look out for your kids, so sorry it's the worst pain but you will come out the other side.

So sorry something so similar happened to you. And pregnant! Awful. Where are people's hearts?

This is awful
You're going to be going through all the stages of grieving as if he had suddenly died but with anger added in
And you need to get angry
Angry in a constructive way
Stop messaging him and start ringing solicitors and get CMS rolling today
He will regret this
And if he comes crawling back make sure you're in a place to turn him out on his arse.

At some point he'll realise he's made a great big mistake. Don't take him back. He will just do it again and you'll never be able to trust him. Use this opportunity to create a better life for you and your children.

Thank you so much everyone xxx I am feeling a bit better. I have to go and get my son ready for school now. Did I mention that I don't drive and my son's school is 4 miles away so I have had to arrange for a friend to come and give lifts. He loves his school. It is in the same village as my parents so they are having him stay a few days a week to help with all of this.

Ugh. Yes, he really is a disgusting human.

bloody hell OP what am I reading on MN today. These bastards.

Wise words. Well, yes you hope he will think that. But whether people who do this actually have empathy and compassion is another matter.

Buy a cheap phone with a PAYG SIM. Make that his number for contacting you and delete and block him from your real phone. Set up a specific email address and block him from your real one. Have set times to check both.

Speak to a solicitor.

Get a therapist or start journalling - write and then destroy it if you prefer total secrecy.

What has happened is traumatic, so treat yourself as kindly as possible.

People recover from all sorts of things but it takes time.

Horrendous! What is wrong with these men????

I am so sorry.

I think I agree about the payments he is promising to make.

I mean what happens when this OW wants another house?

Just never thought he was this type of person. He used to be so decent.

This! It's a succinct way of the link I posted.
Small steps @Cleme.
How about totally changing your bedroom, new look, new bedding?
Strip the memory of the fucker from your room!!

All such good advice. Thank you x

What a gormless twat.
You need to see a solicitor ASAP. Get your divorce proceedings started, all entitlements etc.
Are you reliant on him financially?
Is it possible to move back to your parents even temporarily for your DC school?
Put learning how to drive, your number 2 objective for this year, number 1 being divorce.

Tell EVERYONE what he did. He will rewrite history. Get an STI check.
You will get through this. Surround yourself wirh people friends and family who care for you.

Exactly what I am planning! I have got rid of his clothes at least.

Oh my god, you and your children are bloody amazing OP.
I'm completely shocked by what I've just read but my overall impression, other than the fact that your H is an utterly heartless self-serving scumbag, is of an incredibly strong woman.
Agree with pp's, no point pursuing contact. He's shown who he is and what he's capable of - staggering levels of selfish scumbaggery.
Often we don't get an answer to the 'why?' question because there isn't one, other than that they felt like it and will always prioritise themselves over anyone else, even their children.
And the 'why can't you be happy for me?' attitude is the icing on the cake. Any attempt at understanding their capacity to be so callous is fruitless - it's like there are bits missing that make them an actual bloody human being.
I'm so sorry that you and your DC's are going through this. You sound so caring and capable and have clearly raised lovely DC's in the same mould.
You all deserve so much more xxx

I’m sorry OP, what a horrible thing to do. How can people just walk out on their children like that? Their relationship will be hugely affected, perhaps this will start to weigh heavily on him over time but surely this is the choice he made. Stop texting him, it’s doing you no good and you need to move on, however hard. Get a financial agreement in place as others have suggested now, as he won’t be feeling as generous once the guilt wears off. Start learning to drive and set yourself some small goals. You’ll get through this OP.

Do you think the OW knows about you and the kids?

Am quite reliant on him financially, but not wholly. I work part-time (so I can support kids around school) so don't have a large salary.

I do need to learn to drive, I know! Face my fear!

Happy to help too.

(Not in nz 🇳🇿 but willing to travel)

OP this is just awful for you. I'd really second getting some counselling support. When I went through some trauma around my breakup with exH, my therapist literally got me through the days. She was awesome. And we did it all remotely by the way (as you said you don't drive).
Take care, see solicitor. Take all the help that is being offered by family and friends and you will get through this !

How awful. Truly what a loser he is. Get legal advice. The text only phone for messages is a good idea as others have suggested. Only contact him via your legal team. Do not text him. Write messages and send them to yourself instead of him. Put his things in boxes and put them out of sight. Get a date set, via legal channels, for his stuff to be moved to his family’s homes in the UK. Take care of you.

Thanks so much everyone.

Threewheeler1 - am trying to be strong but just had a bad few days and things have spiralled.

Everyone's responses are making me stronger.

I think it is too easy to wallow in the nostalgia of the good times, what might have been and to not focus on the reality of what an awful human he is.

Can't imagine their honeymoon period will last long? 2 teens at home for her. How happy will they be with mum bringing a rando from the UK to live with them?!

Vile, vile man. What a despicable, selfish and rotten thing to do. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

Definitely stop messaging him. He's not worthy of your time or energy. You need that for you and your children. Don't waste your time on someone who has rejected you so callously. Unless of course it is to call a dump truck firm to have a large ton of manure dumped on his doorstep.

The silence will unnerve the fucker as well. As long as the toad thinks you're heartbroken and pining, he won't be worried about any material consequences to his shitty actions. If you go silent, he'll start to crap his pants. Which he ought to. I rarely say that taking a man to the cleaners is justified, and in most cases where it's a normal kind of split it's not, but in this case, it absolutely is. If he's going to abandon his family, you can at least make sure you are financially provided for, and skipping off into the NZ sunset won't be the picnic he imagined.

Next, get a good solicitor and a good therapist so you know your rights and have someone to vent who help you work through it and who can support with coping strategies for in between. I saw one post suggested scheduling therapy every couple of days - most private therapists won't offer that unfortunately, it's likely to be weekly, so you will need other outlets as well. Do you have friends, family support?

You can do this. It'll be hard, but you can get through it.

She knows. How she can do this as a single mum herself I don't know. What happened to the sisterhood?!