Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

I started listening to Harry Potter audio books read by Stephen Fry when my XH upped and left me under similar circumstances (although he didn't leave the country immediately). Stephen Fry has a very very soothing voice, and Harry Potter isn't going to keep you awake at night, but the books are long enough to just leave running while you sleep. They keep you company if you wake in the night too.

It's now more then ten years since I was left, but I still run books overnight, and have my XHs leaving to thank for my new vast knowledge of the Early Medieval era!

I've not kept up with this thread so forgive me if the info I say has already been said but when I separated from my child's father I'm sure when I went to a solicitor theres a section in the children's act that you could fight for him to pay the mortgage until the children are 18 AND pay maintenance on top of that... I think you'd have a good case if the just upped and left and can afford to live in NZ. Usually this is the case for parents who have another place to live. I couldn't fight it because my son's dad lived in the house and had nowhere else to go. But if he did I would have been able to stay in the house (even though I wasn't on the mortgage) until our son was 18 and he'd of had to pay the mortgage too. Definitely go to a solicitor.

And my two pence piece is that he'll be back when things don't work out with that bird. Make sure you fill that hole he left, before he comes crawling back. That way, you won't have any room in your life for him anymore. All the best.

Doesn't sound daft 😀 Luckily my kids have a soft toy addiction

Well I'm an absolute nerd so maybe a late night audio book fest is what I need!

Thanks again everyone for all your support. Been struggling these past few days, especially today. Have had quite a few tears.

I know I need to accept it is properly over (I know this must sound delusional as he is in NZ) but sometimes it is very hard.

I need to separate the man he once was from hhd man he is now.😞

This is all so helpful and reassuring, thank you. ☺️

Despite what he’s done no one expects you to turn your feelings for him off over night. In whatever circumstances the end of a relationship happens you have to go through a grieving process. It’s probably harder in some ways when it feels like he’s had a complete personality transplant as it would feel like maybe the ‘real’ him will come back one day. It must be terrifying to really accept that won’t happen.

He’s treated you appallingly, cheated, lied and completely walked out on your children. Having no contact means it’s easy for your min to see him through a rose tinted view, a beautiful memory when in fact his actions are a very ugly reality. You need to fall out of love with who he was because that man is gone, he no longer exists. The man in his place is cruel, selfish and cold, not someone you could ever love.

It would be easy if you could flip a switch to bypass this pain but it will happen, one day you’ll realise it doesn’t hurt quite so much, you don’t miss him and start to notice all the things about him that you previously overlooked because you loved him.

You are so right 👍
I need this sense knocked into me.
Several times a day when I falter.

Cleme You and your lovely children should be so proud of the way you have handled this awful bombshell. Of course you will have days where you feel the need to contact him, that is normal but don't fall into that trap because you will be so annoyed with yourself if you do and it would hurt if he didn't answer back so that is a vicious circle you don't need to enter.
I have been through sheer hell with my ex husband. I am nearly 20 years down the line and i can't tell you how wonderful that man not being in my life feels. I look back at what he did and i am almost thankful. If he hadn't behaved the way he did i wouldn't have the wonderful life i have now. I will never forgive him for the hurt he caused and continues to cause my children but i can't even be arsed hating him. When i do have to see him i can see that he knows i don't give a stuff about him and that will hurt him so much. One day you will feel like i do and honestly it doesn't take as long as you think to get to indifference so just hang on in there and be kind to yourself.

Have you heard from his parents @Cleme ?

Very much looking forward to wonderful life 😃

Father has been very supportive. As has sister. Of course they are also worried about him. I totally understand. If it was my son/brother I would also worry. It is a different relationship and however much I am hurting I do need to respect that.

His mother died in May. I think s lot of this behaviour can be viewed in the context of her suffering from cancer for ten years. He was very close to her. I was as well. But if course it was his mother.

It is all very tragic.

I know it's off topic, but wondering what you were reading? Just coming to the end of a very long historical series and was intrigued!

I'm reading Heroes and Villains Angela Carter.
Slim books at the moment!

Be grateful of some immersive recommendations.

The Philippa Gregory audiobooks are lengthy and immersive. I can recommend when you need something that will gently lull you to sleep. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Your husband's conduct is reprehensible and he is a despicable heartless worthless coward for doing this to you and your children. How are the children coping? You are their rock and the centre of their world and in years to come they will remember your unwavering love and strength after their coward of a dad walked out on you.

Great recommendation. I've always meant to read those. Have read a lot of historical fiction but not her.

Children are coping well in circumstances. They are sad. Worried about me! Happy it's the 3 of us in many ways.

The sadness and the pain will pass..this is very early days and you are doing the best you can to look after yourselves. All you can do is be there for each other as a tight unbreakable family unit and in years to come when they look back all they will remember is how you were their rock. They will remember that you were the centre of their world and the one they could rely on. I hope your ex realises that your children may never wish to see or speak to him again after this. Try to be gentle witn yourself and if you can't sleep then let yourself drift off with something soothing. The Other Boleyn Girl and The Boleyn Inheritance are both really good.

I love Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, it's a bit of a Cinderella story and very much of its period, but it just makes me happy. I'm also a big Agatha Christie fan and my favourite of hers is Nemesis. Nice and short, by modern standards.

Miss Pettigrew is lovely. Very funny and charming and escapist.

Sleep tip with Audible - save a bookmark when you go to sleep! You can also set a sleep timer to save it going all night, but at least you can go back to where you were.

I always used to think it took me ages to fall asleep, but now having used the audible bookmarks I can guarantee when I next start listening again I only get about 5-10 mins in before I realise it's all new to me!

The Harry Potter books are great value on Audible. Super long and beautifully narrated by Stephen Fry.

Jus a short list of my most immediate readings...
Matilda - Catherine Hanley
The Plantagenets - Dan Jones
Unruly - David Mitchell
In The Reign of King John - Dan Jones
Chaucer's People - Liza Picard
Medieval Woman - Ann Baer

Also Ian Mortimer's Time Traveller's Guide books.

@Cleme I don't know if you saw an earlier message I sent, but there is a large thread on here about REMO - reciprocal enforcement of maintenance orders when one parent moves to another country. It's called Has anyone done the REMO route for child maintenance? I also have a Facebook group called Get Child Maintenance from Abroad (REMO) should you want to join.

@Cleme Irrespective of whether he pays any bills or not, he is legally obliged to pay child support. As someone on here has already said, if he is in NZ on a visa, then this will be a black mark against him if he doesn't pay child support.

@Cleme how are things going?

Thank you 🙂
I'm doing well in many ways. I have an amazing network of family and friends who have supported me through the past few months. And two fantastic children who have been sad at times but so strong, and significantly, embraced their new life with gusto.
I've had some contact with my husband. There is a plan to meet at some point in near future. It is not clear what is happening in his new relationship but his job is going well. Overall, he doesn't seem happy. Until I meet with him, I am not proceeding with divorce. He is paying his way.
It's a difficult time of year of course but the three of us have lots of nice things planned.
But yes, still devastated that someone could have hurt me in such a way.