Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

Great tip 👏

Well, exactly!
And continue to be so.
I mean, he doesn't seemed to have rued his decision.

Well, exactly!
And continue to be so.
I mean, he doesn't seemed to have rued his decision.

@Cleme Doesn't mean he won't rue it. It's not been very long

@Cleme Your lovely children obviously take after their mum. Please don't contact him, it will only set you and the kids back. Your life will get better without him. Your teaching the kids the importance of self respect. I so admire you.

Hi @Cleme - I’ve read all your posts with admiration. You and your kids sound amazing. Your ex is an absolute tool.

Something similar happened to me - I came home one night and my bf was gone. He’d sent me an email saying he was moving to Greece. Found out later he was living with a sex worker in LA and - worst of all - he hadn’t told his teenager daughter he was moving away. God knows what that will do to her view of men.

We’d only been together 18 months and no kids, thankfully. But I do remember the utter disbelief. I remember thinking at first that this must be a joke, it was so out of character.

It’s the DECEIT I couldn’t get over. We’d been away and he’d been planning it. Seen his parents, and he’d been planning it. He told me his hours had been cut back at work and he couldn’t pay his share of the bills for a couple of months. I now know he was saving for his flight.

The way I got through it was to tell myself that the man I’d been living with had never existed. I was mourning something that wasn’t real. That might not help you, but it kept me sane. I went through the house like a whirlwind. I threw out everything that belonged to him, and everything that reminded me of him. Blocked him everywhere and told everyone what he’d done. The shame was, and is, his, not mine.

You have a wonderful life ahead of you x

I guess not. Perhaps when he realises they don't want to see him.

Thank you for your kind words. I've had my wobbles but I have been pretty resolute for a while now.

I let him dictate for so long. It is very easy to somehow misplace your self respect in the day to day efforts of keeping the peace, being mindful of the children, letting him off the hook because his Mum was dying.

But no more.

Thank you. I hope I can continue to be strong.
I am so sorry to hear of your similar story. It sounds remarkably like mine in that both men went about their lives doing all the normal stuff, while all along they were scheming and plotting.

I know what you mean about it seeming like a joke. My colleague said today it was like a novel or a film but one which was too far fetched to convince!

Sometimes I think his extreme series of actions speak of someone so wilfully destructive that it was almost like an addiction to do something worse each time.

A desire to destroy everything.

I haven't fathomed it out yet. Perhaps it is futile.

You can do this! Face your fear and when you are a little calmer, book yourself a course of driving lessons. You have had a horrendous shock - how could he be so callous?

You are doing amazing OP, you aren't weak for crying or missing it (the ex isn't human enough to be a he anymore). You are grieving what you had and what you should have had and that takes a very long time. Children are so perceptive and so resilient they will need help and lots of reassurance but they will be ok and so will you.
Having bad days or even weeks is normal and its. A sign that there are starting to be good days or even hours now which is progress!

Our situation was different, we fled the father of my children. I was so worried about how hurt the kids were when we left, that they didn't know how toxic and strained life in that house was but they were relieved! The first thing my daughter said when I showed them our new home was that it felt safe. For your kids you are the safe. We slept all in the same bed for a month or so. We did things that their dad wouldn't have allowed/approved of, we talked opening in an age appropriate way (but I was never negative) about their dad and life before and we made a list of things that were important to us and that we wanted to do and we did everything together and because the happy, solid little family of 3 that we still are 3 and a half years later.
Life gets so much better when you step away from the weight of a useless, selfish, awful man.
I'm wishing you all the happiness and success that you deserve and you deserve so much better then you had. It gets better, it gets so much better, you're doing great.

This has made my heart soar, thank you.

My daughter also felt relief. They are so perceptive.

X

A man will do literally anything BUT GO TO THERAPY.

So tragic, and pathetic of him.

I worked with a lovely lady who reported her husband missing when he failed to return home from work one day, so she couldn’t get to work because he’d taken the car.
It transpired that he had been having a long distance relationship with a lady in the Philippines, his car was found at the airport and he’d gone to live with her. She never heard from him again after a single text.
What is it with these pathetic men?

It makes you think you should never trust anyone. It's awful.

Seems to be endemic with men in their forties too. Tired of their responsibilities, want to re live their twenties.

Yes, definitely.
Some men feel entitled to relive their younger years - without the responsibility of a family!

You sound amazing OP.
You’re already building a great new life for your DC and it’s very obvious they know you’ve got this.

Have you booked your driving lessons yet?

Honestly he’ll be pretty homesick soon if not already. And he’s so far away from friends and family. Imagine living in essentially a strangers’ house with their family. The awkwardness. And gradual dawning that you’ve probably made a mistake. Not getting any of the cultural references around you daily etc. Maybe his job will keep him motivated for a while.

He may never admit it to anyone including himself. But he’ll regret this one day.

💐

Lessons not booked quite yet! 😕 Will be sorting when I'm a bit surer of my finances.

Your picture of his life out there is very similar to the one I have to envisaged. As you suggest, it must feel a bit imposing on some level. I mean it's not like it's his home. But hey, they're in love!!

Hmm

While he is feeling any guilt at all, get the most you can out of him. Have to started with divorce admin?

They don’t really know each other after 10 days of best behaviour (shocking) and months of messaging. Imagine meeting someone online, spending a 10 day holiday with them, then uprooting your whole life to move in.

Hope he feels sick with loneliness.
Hope he stays away until you don’t give a shit anymore. I would not be in the slightest bit shocked if he turns up again at the end of the academic year having sneakily applied for posts behind OW back.

Time will tell, I guess.

In the meantime, yes, am sorting 🙂

When you feel like you have enough money to invest in driving lessons, go for automatic. Don't listen to anyone who tells you you'll be a better driver with a manual. You want to be safe and confident on the road, not an F1 driver.

This. I absolutely agree. Learning and getting my automatic license was much quicker and easier than manual. It was such a relief to finally be able to drive and the freedom it gives you is amazing.

I agree 100%.

Better go for that then! Thank you 😊 xx

Dear OP

Ive been following this grim tale throughout, but I haven’t had anything useful to offer. But you have been in my thoughts since your first post.

You are absolutely right about not ‘contacting’ his employer, it’s not their responsibility to police the out of work actions of their employees. But I think your ex may not find his ‘dream job’ quite so dreamy as he imagines. It sounds to me as if he essentially going to be a ‘tech’ , possibly specialising in printing? If so, he will have to be very patient, supportive, willing to help the students to achieve their goals. He won’t be able to ‘tell them what to do’ , his job will be to make sure the rollers are inked, or the scanner isn’t jammed. When I did my art degree, I was full of admiration for the techs, so kind, so efficient but so self effacing….

Is this a good description of the runaway ? Be prepared for this not working out, either.

Stay strong, I am lighting a candle for you tonight.

xxxx

I second this. I was scared of driving and bite the bullet a few months ago and honestly automatic is so much easier and safer. Think more cars are going that way too.

you’ll save money on lessons too by picking it up much quicker.

Coming from someone who had a real bad fear of driving. You can do it OP