Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

It is horrendous what has happened to you. It's like the Netflix series that is on now about these lying arseholes .

Great advice on automatic test. I would suggest booking a load of lessons in advance of the divorce so it comes out of joint assets.

You might be able to get discount by paying for blocks of 10 lessons. I did a lesson a day for 5 weeks - it was intense - but a job was resting on having a licence - then sat the test.

There have been waiting lists to learn so making enquiries today maybe about getting on the list if it’s the same near you?

I've missed this thread as I've been away, so I've just read through OP's posts only and can say it's heartening to see the MN support network effect. From devastation to strength in a few weeks.

He will definitely end up worst out of all this. By the time he comes back (whether it's permanent or just for a visit), OP and her kids will be different, stronger and better versions of the people he left behind and unrecognisable to him. They also won't want or need him, which will be a big kick to his ego I'm sure.

I don't understand some men. It happened to an old schoolfriend of mine. He got a new job in "China". She'd been posting on facebook about how her fiance had such an amazing job opportunity and how her and the kids would miss him, but they were working out how to do video calls (this was quite a while ago - pre-Covid and heavy chinese internet restrictions).

Only for a few weeks later for her to absolutely out him and roast him on her page for not having moved to China at all, but moving 20 miles up the road to live with his WIFE and their young child! Somehow he'd carried on an entirely second life and met and married this other woman, while still living with my friend and their shared children! Neither her or the kids have ever spoken to him since. Turns out all of his family knew too!

When FB brought me back in touch with another old school friend, we got chatting and she asked about my parents and I asked about hers. Her Dad was always a good laugh when I went round as a kid. Turns out they all went to school/work one morning as normal and when they got home, he'd emptied all his stuff, moved out (to OW's house) and never contacted or spoke to them again!

Then finally, another friend had arranged a day out for her and her (teenage) kids (her husband couldn't go because he had to "work"), only for him to text her once they'd left that he'd found a flat to rent and was moving out! Proceeded to move the majority of his stuff out before they got back, then used the Ring doorbell to pop back and collect more stuff when the house was empty!

I do know lots of people with decent husbands/partners too, but my god when they're shit, they're REALLY shit!

Yep, stranger than fiction!

These stories are so depressing. And what's terrible about them is that I bet the women were - like me - trusting, supportive and just generally positive even when the men were grumpy and contemptuous, essentially excusing bad behaviour because their partner was having trouble at work, finding life hard etc.

Ugh.

But yes, Mumsnet has been an amazing support for me over the past hideous weeks. I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for all this outpouring of sanity 😃

A family member's first husband did similar and swanned off to the other side of the world with his new woman. Their children are now grown up, changed their surnames to mum's maiden name and have zero respect for him. They know who has always been there for them.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I promise that as you work your way through the stages you will come to realise he doesn't deserve you or your children. And so will they.

It is over 30 years since I divorced my first husband, and gradually over the years, I have come to realise that he didn't suddenly change, he was just never the man I thought he was! I feel it was partly my mistake, blinded by love! It could never have ended in any other way, which has freed me to enjoy my life without any bitterness. (Well not much!)

I am beginning to think this was inevitable, that the germ of this was there all along. As you say, blinded by love.

But yes, it is a freeing thought.

I find it so bewildering to hear so many stories of men just upping and leaving. It makes me think - don't they have friends nearby? A fulfilling job? A community?

Even if I decided to leave my DP I wouldn't move to Australia! I have a life right where I am. What are these men doing?

You'll get through this, Op, I'm certain. You are doing so well.

Congrats on your writing achievement and staying (somewhat) sane amidst the chaos, OP. You are a parent through and through, he is not, and he will rue the day, but I expect by then you and the children will be much happier without him.

Well he's the most selfish cunt I've hear about in quite a while.

How wonderful you're free of him OP. You're doing amazing x

Wow, he certainly is arsehole of the year so far 👑

I know a PP has offered dog shit on your stbex doorstep however I'll up that offer to a ton of horseshit on his doorstep every day 🐴💩 my Kiwi horsey friend has offered her services for as long as you'd like 😁

Thanks everyone for the supportive messages over the weekend! Have kept myself busy with the kids going in long walks and booking s family swim at the leisure centre.

So hard though! Even though I know he is the massive arsehole everyone says he is, I can't stop thinking about the man I fell for; the man who isn't him any longer.

And I guess I am still aghast at some level that he hasn't come back,tail between his legs. That this is actually what he's chosen. Not that I'd let him through the door.

Promise!

I just dropped back into your thread OP to see how you're doing. I'm very glad to read that you have good support from family, friends and work and your resolve is strengthening.

What your STBXH has done is so brutal, so utterly self-absorbed, that it will take a long time to fully process. But in a way, the fact he's gone to literally the other side of the world will at least make arguments about shared care of the DC easier. He's made his bed.

I'm 18 months in to being left for OW, in what I thought was a very abrupt and unexpected turn of events - until I read your story. All I can say is that getting over such a thing is not linear, and even now I have days or weeks where I really miss my ex, or at least the version of them I thought I had. But life is better now than it was in those very raw early days. I wish all the best for you and your DC. The 3 of you will be ok. Your ex will have a lifetime to regret his appalling behaviour.

@Cleme its understandable. In your situation I can imagine feeling the same - how can the person you’ve loved and trusted for so many years just up and leave and hurt you so intentionally. It’s a lot to get your head around and no one would expect you to just get over it. It might be useful to seek some therapy when you’re ready, it’ll help you process how you’re feeling and help you deal with your emotions in a healthy way. You’ve experienced a trauma and it’s important to deal with that.

It is all very brutal.

Have been sad today. Miss him. Ugh. Yes, Elektra1 I can see this will be a long process. I am very much hoping for brighter days. Or at least days without this very visceral pain.

Am on the therapy list x

Definitely need it!

Am doing ok in the day, overall. But am very anxious at night.

You will have bad days and better days. After a while the number of consecutive better days increases. Today was bad: go to bed and believe tomorrow will be better.

You're doing so well and you're still in the early, raw emotions of it all. It takes time. Be kind to yourself as you would treat a friend.

I've found therapy very helpful and would recommend it if finances permit. The best thing I've learned is how to be my own best friend on the bad days (since my actual best friend went off with someone else!)

Thanks for the very sound advice.

As you suggest, it is so hard when you best friend deserts you for someone else.

If is all so incomprehensible.

I recommend a snooze band and audible for night times. I get very anxious and stressed with work and I'll sit and ruminate all night but an audiobook distracts me. Iet them play all night so if I wake up I drift off to it again.

Wow, thanks!
That snoozeband looks amazing 🤩

Haven't posted yet but have been following along. Really feel for you, this is incomprehensible.
I also love my Snoozeband. Be warned - they don't last years, maybe a couple of years. I just replace mine.

I know it might sound daft but do you have a cuddly toy you could keep with you at night? Or go and buy one specifically. When deeply distressed I find them quite helpful and to have something to hang on to literally at 3am can be helpful. Needs to be a really soft one too.

There's a guy on YouTube called Jason Stephenson who does long (3 hour) "sleep meditations". When I am struggling to get to sleep, I put one of those on. They work! If I wake up in the night, I put it back on. Give it a try.

Yes Snoozeband + Jason Stephenson is the way to go!