Husband abandoned me and two kids by text message and emigrated to New Zealand

[Cleme]

It has been a difficult time. Two weeks ago my husband of 17 years abandoned me and my two children, 9 and 13. He did this by text message when we were walking back from swimming. It was 4 days before ny daughter's birthday. Just writing this makes me feel appauled by his behaviour.

He has gone to New Zealand to start a new life with a woman he met online. He met her a few years ago but only met her last October in person for the the first time. He told me he had been offered a work opportunity and went for 10 days. I thought it was a bit odd but I didn't question it. I always trusted him. I always supported him in what he wanted to do.

When he came back he told me he was leaving me for this woman. I pleaded with him to stay. In the end he did. He promised to cut contact. I thought he had but he never did. Behind my back he applied for a job out there and arranged his visa and medical.

I thought we were working through things. We went on holiday over the summer, had a good time.

The last few years have been a bit tricky. His mother died from cancer this year after a long illness. He has been drinking heavily and on the sly.

I am so desperate for me and my children. I did love him very much. How can I get over this and move forward. At the moment I can't get out of a constant doom-loop of no sleep, crying and messaging him.

It’s incredible that even your children can sense that his conduct is way beyond unforgivable.
I’m sure you are holding them very close to you OP, and taking comfort from each other. That’s all you can do until the shock starts to wear off. And keep moving forward with daily life, tiny step by step.
You must be exhausted. Sending energy and courage to keep going. And nothing but admiration for how you have coped so far.

It’s speaks a lot of good about you to have children who are allowing themselves to feel the loss, betrayal, anger, etc while still maintaining their boundaries of not wanting anything to do with them. They sound like amazing kids with great heads on their shoulders, and that clearly came from you, OP. Ye all have each other, that’s what matters in the end, and you’ll all get through this together ❤️

I do hope it's normal. I do wonder if he is trying to comfort me too.

They certainly can sense his appalling conduct. My daughter said to me this evening, that if he was unhappy when he should have just left, he shouldn't have had an affair.

It's the the 9 months of lying they hate too. When he applied for the job in NZ and just went on with the day to day. Taking us on holiday! They just can't comprehend.

Thanks to everyone who says I'm strong. It is making me stronger.

It is taking a lot of will. I did love him very much.

And just to add to that he will be texting them in a week. He would have liked more contact but that is as much as the children want at this stage.

I don't think he really understood what leaving them would mean. I think he thought they would be chatting on the phone to him, planning his visit at Christmas (no chance!!!).

Clueless reptile!

He has a “new” teen child in his new home?

you’re doing so well - and congratulations on the good news about your writing

I just wanted to send you a message to say what an incredible woman you are.

Well done for being so strong for your children. In 10 years tim, you'll look back and be in total awe of you and your babies (if you aren't already!!).

Keep going - you've done the hardest part. Your children are going to learn so much from this (in a positive way)... you're setting the best example ever and you're awesome! ❤

Thank you everyone x

I don't feel very incredible but it is nice to be told you are!

Thinking what would happen to the children if I wasn't just pushing through keeps me going.

I just want them to be ok. To be as unaffected by this as possible.

X

This is what Mumsnet is brilliant at. A woman at her wits end after an appalling betrayal and loss. Countless Mumsnetters offering support, information and caring as she goes through something so many women have experienced. And then, weeks later, still "by her side" checking in, supporting and celebrating the small steps while continuing to offer that support.

Well done Cleme for starting to deal with such an enormous loss and for being able to hold your children by your side

They’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Everything will eventually be ok, though it might seem impossible at this moment in time. Take everything one step at a time and give yourself the grace to struggle when you need to, and pull yourself back up again when you can. Healing isn’t linear, and a set back, or a crying session, does not mean you have lost your strength or that you’re any less incredible.

Settle yourself into bed with a nice cuppa, maybe a nice little treat - a biscuit or something else nice - and get a good sleep for yourself. You did a wonderful job surviving this today ❤️

Oh dear, what an absolute disgrace of a man. Leaving his children and wife. Poor you. Big hug.

I do want to give you a glimmer of a tiny positive though. You won't have to see him again and you won't have to share custody of your kids with him. If he was running off to the next town with her, then your kids would have to have her in their lives and possibly live in her house half the week.

I hope he can keep a relationship with the kids long distance and he visit them regularly.

But overall - The trash took itself out.

You're absolutely better off without him. If your children don't wish to speak to him then that's fine. After what he has put you and your kids through nobody would blame you if you chose to cut contact entirely. Take one day at a time towards rebuilding a life without him. He's a cold hearted reptile and isn't worth your tears.

You’re doing incredibly well @Cleme and your children will appreciate your dignity and strength so much in years to come.

My previous offer still stands, of course ;-) 🔥

just saying I agree wholeheartedly with you inquisitiveinga. You said it best. OP wishing you love, peace and a great life away from the current stressful situation. Kudos to you. You handling it great!

Just echoing previous posters - you are an amazing Mum and the 3 of you sound like such a strong family unit. You’ve got lots of MNers cheering you on xxx

Thanks everyone for the cheers x

I’m curious @Cleme, what did his text message say?! How did he paint the scenario? Did he apologise at all? My mind is blown that these men can just walk out like this.

This is unbelievable behaviour from him. Do you think he's got undiagnosed brain damage from his rope swing accident? This sounds like a joke question but I mean it genuinely. It sounds like he's had a massive personality change. I'm so sorry.

Basically that months ago he'd got a job, he couldn't do the job he'd got here (teaching, which he didn't even start) and that I am a wonderful Mum and person which he isn't. Then he hoped we'd forgive him.

That was it. No mention of OW which of course was the driving force.

If only it was so straightforward! No, the accident was only a few weeks before he went. He'd been planning his exit for 9 months.

The accident just reflected his chaos.

I am such an idiot though. Am missing him today, could almost imagine myself messaging him.

No, no, no 🙄

Stay strong. You're doing so well! It must be so emotionally confusing.

Ugh oh yes sorry.

I just find it so incredibly sad that a father would make this choice and be so fine and so apparently sane over it.

You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have moments when you felt like that. Try to focus on him reading that message with his new woman. You wouldn’t want that. You’ve been so strong.. done so well…