Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

What an utter disgrace of a man.

You sound so lovely, I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

So let.me get this clear; you BOTH go under a lot of stress, he waits for you to be 36 weeks pregnant with your first baby to go on a eat pray love quest because he needs to FIND HIMSELF?

That made me so angry on your behalf.

He is having an affair, of course, finding solace in what seems like another kind of broken person (left at the altar). He says he loves you because it is still true but your relationship is over.

No man who actually wanted to be in a relationship would find a friend of the opposite sex with whom to spend all their time while his very pregnant wife at home is preparing the house for the baby.

You are strong, and resilient, you'll get through this and will be a wonderful mother.

Omfg this is awful!

Hes having an affair and using all the stress to justify his behaviour because he can’t do the usual “my girlfriend is crazy and neglectful of me” shit about a pregnant woman - even he knows this will make him look bad.

Changed things NOW. If he’s unable to prioritise you and the baby now, then he never will. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and intolerable. Then tell your friends and family. Tell your midwife. Move near your family if you can and find a new birthing partner.

Absolutely do not give the child his last name - you will be constantly having to prove you are a parent to the child and why should you.

It will be ok. It will be hard and it won’t be what you planned but it will be ok and it will get better and better. You’ve got this but you need to accept it now and he totally selfish about what you want.

I’m so sorry OP. Sounds like he’s dating the other woman but still wants an open option on you and not ready to admit to everyone he’s doing the unthinkable and leaving his fiancé at 36 weeks.

You are about to have your first child and he’s either all in or he’s out. If I were you I’d move back to be with family and have the baby there as you don’t want to be isolated in his hometown and sending your toddler off for contact with him and this woman to play happy families with while you’re a single mum 2 hours from your family and support network.

By the way I 100% echo PP - get him to move out to his family or move to yours. You can't be in the same space right now and it will probably make things clearer between you two to be physically separated.
You need all the support and positivity you can get, don't let this shadow the most beautiful moment of your life with your precious baby.
As for the BC, it's up to you. Do you know any solicitor who could give you their advice?

Sorry, haven't read 7 pages of responses, but I'm sure we're all saying the same thing. My question (may have already been asked) is, if he's working from home, why does he need to get showered before going to meet his lady friend? Oh yes, because he wants to be all fresh and smell lovely for her when they're getting it on (or he's hoping to get it on).

It's awful he's putting you through this OP, but the going out with another woman, wanting to separate all your facilities, stopping with the terms of endearment - he's checked out for sure.

OP i don't mean to worry you but this man is definitely cheating.
It may not be physical but there is definitely emotional cheating going on. If this woman knows that you are together and about to have a child together then she is a homewrecker and is your enemy, plain and simple.
In 99% of cases (unless the people involved are not straight) then male female relationships always end up with some type of feelings or 'complications'.
You have two choices OP.
Option one is you decide this man is not worth it and you do not believe he can be a stable husband and father (and to be honest from the way he is behaving running into the arms of another woman like a coward at the first signs of a storm and trouble he seems like he is not a very reliable or mentally strong man who can be your rock) so in that case let the trash take itself out and either raise the baby alone or meet someone new down the road.
Option two is you decide he is worth it and that you will not let some cunning girl take away your almost-husband and father of child and you fight tooth and nail to get rid of this other woman who clearly has this naive fool wrapped around her finger. Protect and fight for what is yours.
The choice is yours OP.

I would speak to your parents. It's over with your fiancé, he's seeing someone else (she's not a friend, I'm sorry). See if you can stay with them til the baby is here. You have time to switch maternity care to where they are and amend your plan to the hospitals around them. Don't stay 2 hours from your support to let him be a good dad. He can work out how to be the dad he wants from where he wants.

Make sure you're focused on what you and the baby need. He is secondary, as he's made you that to him.

I'm so sorry OP but as I began reading I wondered is there another woman - and when I read that there was, it explained it all.

As another poster has said he has already checked out - if he was determined to make it work, he'd use these special last few weeks/days to make the most out of it just being the two of you rather than spending it with someone else.

The trial separation thing you have going on is absolutely crazy- how on earth can that work when the baby arrives?!?!

I'd give him an ultimatum- he's either all in or all out. Then prioritise yourself and your baby. First step is telling your family and support network what is happening - you won't be able to do this by yourself and they can help you sort things out quickly.

@DogMamma2024
If, as a single parent, you'd prefer to live where your family live then GO NOW.
Stay with family for now, sort out housing later.
Once the baby is here, he will be able to prevent you from moving.
Trust me, and anyone else who has said this.
You only have a free choice about this before it is born.

This is dead in the water. Often foolish to get pregnant by someone you’re not married to and isn’t committed but you’re here now. He’s not for you. You’ll just have to make the best of it with the baby on your own. Focus on baby not him

Another pathetic excuse for a grown man. Do not let him use stress as a reason for his weakness. It doesn’t matter if he is stressed he’s about to become a dad and that baby comes before his own selfish needs! As do you. I can’t believe he’s been leaving every night to hang out with another woman, that is so odd and the chances are she isn’t just a friend.

Take back control and kick him out! Tell him you deserve more than this and you’re not willing to sit and wait on the sidelines until he’s had enough of her and comes crawling back. Utterly pathetic of him.

have you met this 'friend'?

I think you need to ask him to move out, this is not fair on you.

He is seeing another woman. He says she has no interest in a relationship - how does he know this? It must have come up in conversation between them. It might be that they are just having sex so not calling it a 'relationship'.

I hate to say it but you are on your own. You would be better being on your own alone instead of being on your own living with this man.

He hasn’t made a new friend, he’s getting his end away. Get rid of the vile, cake eating piece of shit immediately and concentrate on your baby. How dare he?? Am furious on your behalf op. May his dick drop off xx

Hi OP,

Not had time to read all the replies, but I agree with many posters that he is likely having an affair, but doesn't want to admit this because he knows what an arsehole he will look like. Right now all he is concerned about is his image management.

As a 36 weeks pregnant woman you are inherently vulnerable right now. What I suggest you do is let your friends and any family you are close to know so that they can support you through this, in particular support you through your birth and the aftermath of it. Don't rely on this sack of shit. Time to put yourself and baby first.

He's cheating or he wants to.

He should move out and you stay in the house but think it through do you want to be near your support network? In which case move back to your family now.

It's not going to get better. If he can't sort himself out before a baby is here, there's no way he's going to do it with the additional stress once its born of sleepless nights, extreme tiredness, stress of crying baby when he wants to relax etc. It will only get worse.

You have time to make new plans - go back to your support network. Very sorry you are going through this. It will be a challenge now, but better to end it now before the baby arrives than try and navigate all of this shit post partum.

Bottom line- even if this woman is only a friend ( your head will be mashed as you'll keep thinking what if it is innocent etc?) your partner is treating you like crap and disrespecting you.
If another poster said I'm heavily pregnant and my other half is out with the lads every night finding himself your responses on here would pretty much be the same.
You deserve better and I genuinely feel you should go home, get the support you and baby need and when you're ready YOU can decide what YOU want, no him. All the best sweetheart xxx

Another couple of things:

He's acting like we're supposed to feel sorry for his poor lovely new friend because her ex left her at the altar, boo hoo poor her, and yet he's doing exactly the same thing to his PREGNANT fiancée.

How can he not see that his own behaviour is worse?

If this story is even true, this woman will have lost the money that was spent on the wedding and been humiliated in front of her friends and family, but she now gets to start her life again without any of the complications of either having to divorce her shitbag of an ex or co-parent with him. She gets a clean slate.

Having a baby can't be called off at the last minute like a wedding can. So, having not even had the decency to actually marry @DogMamma2024 before getting her pregnant, he's ending their relationship (in a cowardly, can't decide whether to shit or get off the pot kind of way, not even clearly and unambiguously) in far worse circumstances than the eve of a wedding. Because she's carrying his child and will be responsible for that child for at least the next 18 years.

If @DogMamma2024wants to move on, date again, find a man who is actually worth spending her life with, well that's going to be much more difficult for her as a single mum, isn't it?

Even if this woman is just a platonic friend, it's utterly hypocritical to comfort someone whose was recently left at the altar whilst doing something which is a thousand times worse to your own fiancée.

The other big thing here which I haven't seen much discussion about is the stalking and harassment. So they're living next door or very close to a neighbour who is stalking and harassing them. Someone who could potentially be dangerous. It's a very stressful time. And instead of making sure he's there to protect his fiancée and unborn child, he is leaving them alone in the house for several hours every evening to go and be with another woman. Knowing that there is a stalker next door who could decide at any moment that today is the day they're going to escalate their behaviour to the next level.

It's absolutely despicable.

@DogMamma2024 You need to move out of the house. Even if you lose money by doing so, even if it's not fair that a woman at the end of pregnancy should have to pack up all her stuff and find somewhere else to live, it's a small price to pay. You don't want to be living next door to a stalker, you don't want to be living with a man who has all but admitted that he is cheating on you when you are 8 months pregnant, and you really really really do not want to be forced to live in the area where you currently are because you waited too long to leave and some male judge decided you shouldn't be allowed to move your baby too far away from their father. If you move now, nobody is going to question your right, at 8 months pregnant, to move a hundred miles away from (a) a stalker, and (b) a man who is cheating on you.

I wouldn't give a second thought to any "rights" this arsehole might have to your child. You want his rights to your child to be as limited as possible because he doesn't care about you and will clearly be a shit father anyway.

There's also the small matter of the stalker next door. It might not be safe for her to stay there alone (in which case it isn't safe for her to live there now since he leaves her alone for hours every day).

He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away)

You can still go and stay with them? If that would make you feel better and more supported. Immediately after your baby is born you will need a support network, not a silly man child who won't put you first.

Take back control, tell him he's hurt you, and right now your baby is your priority and not him, so you need to be where you will be the safest and most comfortable. Deal with anything else once your baby is here 💐

Hi everyone, I honestly can't quite believe how many responses I've recieved when I wasn't even sure if I'd get one or two.

Just a few things to clarify. I'm not a total twat, I'm very aware that I'm being taken for a ride I'm just trying to work out the best way to go about the next few steps I guess. The girl does know about me, and they talk about me and the baby a lot apparently when they're out. I think this is the bit that will end up tripping them both up, I'm a really tolerant person, we've both always had a lot of mixed friends and up until this point it's never bothered me, I've never had any fears of him not being faithful and to be fair our relationship has been so solid it never even crossed my mind. However, wether it's my new "mothers intuition" kicking in or not, this doesn't sit right with me and I've told him so. I've asked to meet her, if they're just friends you've nothing to hide right?

As for boundaries - he does not get into my bed, hasn't for the best past of 4 week, he sleeps in the spare room. We've not been intimate since the second trimester (so months ago) as he didn't want to with the baby, so I'll be fine on that front. He's been at the gym this morning (it's his usual routine) and I've moved his clothes into his room and I've taken his washing which wasn't folded and dumped it in there too.

I've made plans to be out all weekend also so if he wants to know what it's like to be alone then he can. As for moving back with my parents, I don't have a car right now, but I do drive so I'm seeing if one of my lovely neighbours would maybe take me back. We own the house but it's in his name which is fine as I couldn't afford it myslef and a I know he'd struggle to keep it without my contribution. I have a decent job and maternity leave states next week so I'd be fine with thag and I don't have any debts so that's good too. I 100% know I could do it on my own I guess the coming to terms with that before I'm ready to leave is something I'm working through.

I've booked a maternity photo shoot to make myself feel good in the last few weeks and also arranged to go and stay with a friend in the town this weekend so he can see what it's like when I'm gone.

My last baby class is next week so I'll go to that and I'll raise it with the midwife at my appointment and see what they say. I'm usually a pretty strong, independent person I guess the hormones have me all over the place. I'm not usually a doormat but I am very tolerant and very chill and I think he's mistaken "tolerand/chill" for he can do what the fuck he wants. Which obviously won't fly.

I've arranged a sit down conversation with him this evening to set it out and I'll be seeing his parents this weekend so we'll see what comes of that too.

Also the harassment from the neighbour has been going on a whole year, so I think it's juts ground him down. He's not my person that I know he is definitely someone else but I was hoping with time, support and not "pushing" too hard he'd come back. Obviously not. Maybe me making some arrangements will shape him up? I guess we'll find out...

Thank you to everyone that's taken the time to read, reply and be angry for me. I guess I'm just past the point of angry I just feel almost numb to it it's such an odd place to be especially when I never thought I'd be here.

What an absolute bastard OP. That’s all I can say right now.

His partner is 36 weeks pregnant and he’s out every evening with a friend? Literally WTF???

Hes horrible. He’s blalbbing on about his mental health. What about YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?

What an absolute shit of a selfish entitled man.

Echoing everyone else. Don’t give him parents rights and move out now back home where your support is, he is not going to be supportive.

Someone that tries to take a break at 36 weeks pregnancy and is seeing another woman is a massive turd, you don’t need that in either your or your baby’s life. Please go, don’t get stuck there with him.

Poor you OP. I had something very similar with my ex when I was pregnant. We limped through the birth but he was checked out of our relationship. I asked him to leave when DS was 3 weeks old. He didn’t leave for a few more months. It was so hard looking back. He is being v disrespectful. If he is going to stay then he should stop seeing this new friend. I can understand others saying kick him out, but I wasn’t able to do that at 8 months pregnant. Sending you a massive hug. Above everything you need support from people who are not him. Please confide in family/ friends.