Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

He wants out but he's too scared of how it'll make him look if he ends it. So he's trying to make you the bad guy who kicked him out just before he was to become a father. Let me get out the world's tiniest violin.

My advice: ignore him and his histrionics. He will be wanting you to beg and plead so don't give him the satisfaction. Focus on yourself and the baby and let him do whatever the hell he wants. Just don't count on him for any support.

He is playing you.
He is no doubt waiting for the baby to arrive...he knows doubt hopes he can keep the facade up ... probably until the baby is a toddler.
Then he will officially leave no doubt blaming you for being only interested in the child, not having any time for him, etc etc....
And he won't look so bad.
I'd be going for the frank no bullshit talk..." Look it's obvious you are having an affair..no don't deny it....I will not be treated like this...and I'm not waiting around while you flip flop between me and her. So this is what is going to happen..."
And then tell him what you want...it might be moving out and back to your family, it might be him moving out, or it might be a decision from him ...he's either in the relationship or out.
Take back the power.
If it's a rented house - easier...I'd be going back to your family immediately and FFS tell everyone what is going on NOW...so he doesn't get a chance to spin the narrative of " oh she went crazy in pregnancy and chucked me out so I had to move on and found someone new"

And in neighbourly dispute problems and harassment it’s usually best just to move. He’s an idiot to try and sort it out. no point. These people don’t change, they dig their heels in and it gets worse. Life is too short.

How are you this morning OP? I imagine it must be very overwhelming right now. I hope you have someone to talk to in real life, please tell your parents. I know you are staying put in the hope he will come to his senses, but better to have him kicked out before baby comes, so you don't have him ruining that special time with your newborn.

@DogMamma2024 What does "we own the house but it's in his name" mean?

Did you contribute towards the deposit? Do you pay towards the mortgage? Whose name is on the deeds and whose name is the mortgage in?

Do you have any documentary evidence that you have any kind of entitlement to a share in this house?

In the nicest possible way, stop thinking about maternity photo shoots and start thinking about how not to get screwed over even more than you already have been.

There is no such thing as parental rights here, only parental responsibilities.

If this abusive prick of a sperm splosher wishes to take on those parental responsibilities he can petition the family court to do so.

This is an all his possessions in bin bags dumped on the lawn situation. How dare he!

He wants a separation? He can have one.

i’m so, so sorry OP.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom Thank you for that really thorough explanation. I wasn't aware of that.

I’d leave and go home to your parents and get settled before the baby comes. Use the next few weeks for yourself. He’s a selfish cunt.

I am so sorry. He is absolute trash. Throw him out, move back to be near your family if you can. His behaviour is unforgivable. Men never cease to appal me.

So sorry, OP, this is a horrible situation for you. Moving back to family who will take care of you during the birth sounds like your best option, and will also take you away from the stalking situation. Then you could start to sort things out with your partner from a more solid base when you feel ready. Really sorry. Take care.

If you can, l would take a friend with you, when you talk to him and his parents. Just in case things don’t go according to plans. You might need someone for moral support. 💐💐💐💐

I'm so sorry OP. It was screamingly obvious it was an affair before you'd even mentioned the new friend. Absolutely textbook. What an absolute cunt he is. If I were you, I'd just pack my bags and leave town, I wouldn't say a word to him, but I'd phone his parents and tell them the truth. The stress excuse is bullshit. There is no saving this relationship, and you need family support.

"he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm"

You may as well be stating in black and white that he's having an affair. He just doesn't want to come across as the total heel he is. Please take control OP, I know the timing is dreadful for you (I was finally left when DS was 5 weeks old after a similar story) but once you take control you'll be able to start to heal and you'll have the baby to focus on. It's not the way anyone wants motherhood to start but it's preferable to allowing yourself to be taken for a fool by a self-indulgent unworthy partner, which is the situation you are currently in. And there's plenty of time for you to build towards a happier future for you and your baby. Good luck OP.

He is a pig. Reminds me of my cheating ex! Sorry op, since this should be a happy time for you. And him. Focus on you now, and your baby, and I agree you should talk to others in real life about this. You see how overwhelming our response is to this. We all see him for what he is. A useless and (emotionally if not physically) cheating scum bag.

Why are you talking to him? he's probably handsome and women turn stupid around him. I have a bil like this all the attention is on the baby and not on him so of he goes to find a new toy who will give him attention.

You need to see his family and tell them they will always be part of your babies life. Take their telephone numbers so you can arrange for them to see him/her. Tell lover boy you will be contacting the CMS for child maintenance and then leave.

You need to leave with your dignity intact. What he's doing is he is trying to coax you out.

I would move back your home town this weekend. He can't stop YOU. Once you've had the baby, he needs to agree to you taking them & you have to do the travelling.

You'll have to sell the house & split any equity.

He's treating you like you're an idiot.

Can you clarify 'we own the house but it's in his name'?
He has just said:

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · Yesterday 23:38
Let me paraphrase:
Boo hoo hoo I am under so much stress. Why don’t you go away? It would make my life better if you just vanished. Oh look I can spend hours every night with my hot new female friend. Still stressed, though, obvs. But look, I am a nice guy because I asked about baby movements.

He is telling you to go away. I am sure I would not be doing that! He can go away!
You don't think he can pay the mortgage without you? With you out of the picture the new 'friend' can move in.
Start protecting yourself financially.

Unless she is married, which the OP is not, she can't put him on the birth certificate unless they attend the appointment together which would be too hard for the OP, considering his behaviour.

He can apply to go on the birth certificate but that would involve some effort on his part.

She can also refuse to let him attend the birth if that is what she would prefer. I can't imagine that his presence would help her or make her feel supported and more relaxed. Probably the opposite.

Not being named on a bit of paperwork doesn’t mean he’s not the father, it just means that rather than OP handing this PoS his rights (and therefore a degree of control over her) he actually has to put some effort in to get them. Did you think a man being expected to sort his own rights was some world ending problem?

Fathers don't have rights. Mothers don't have rights. It's called parental responsibility. Children are not belongings ffs. And you can meet your responsibilities without being on a birth certificate.

This is so awful to read OP I’m so sorry.

It sounds like he’s having an affair and wants to end things but isn’t man enough to do it. He probably knows it will reflect badly on him as you’re 36 weeks pregnant.

To then put blame on you is despicable. No one’s relationship is like it was when they’re 36 weeks pregnant!! He should be stepping up and being there for you when you’re at your most vulnerable and he’s not. For that alone you need to end it.

Absolutely!
Every labouring woman deserves a birth partner who makes her happier and more comfortable and who is able to advocate on her behalf.

This nobber of a man isn’t remotely qualified for the job!

he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing.

He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with.

Always the same old lines trotted out - so bloody predictable 🙄

Also that's good of him for not kicking you out because you're so far along in the pregnancy. What a gentleman.

@DogMamma2024 I'm so sorry you're experiencing this and especially at such a vulnerable time.

I wish men wouldn't be so gaslighty and just have the backbone to say what they want, move on and out and not play with people's minds / lives. You have far more important things to focus your energy on right now, instead of his foolishness.

He's having an affair. He doesn't need 3 hours every evening to go out amd find himself otherwise.

Look after yourself and enjoy your time away at your friends. Are you able to stay with family or have them stay with you after you've had the baby? For now at least you need to focus on your needs and the impending birth and surround yourself with as much as support as possible.