Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

OP, you sound amazing, and definitely have your head screwed on. Glad you have a plan to get back to your family and be with people who love you. Good luck with the birth, focus now on meeting your beautiful little one! 💞

Yes, the house not being in her name is a BIG issue.

OP are you aware, he could easily get a lodger or the OW to take over your contributing amount? You have no claim on the house, he has the right to ask you to leave anytime.

Can you move back in with your parents long term? you need to be clsoe to family and friends at this time.

Are you paying towards the mortgage or a house you don't own?

This is shocking immature selfish revolting behaviour. I have only contempt for this man. He is not good enough for you and not deserving of being a father. What a tosser.

i had the 'space' card pulled on me and the understanding female friend. Affair obviously. We stayed together, but we never came back from it and I wasted years trying to make something work that was completely broken. I still feel angry with myself and him, years on.

dont let him ruin motherhood for you. Im a single mother and I am very happy as a single mother. Certainly much happier than the people with terrible partners. children are a joy but you don't need ANY additional stress when they're young, like your partner not showing up for you.

he's having an affair. If they haven't actually had sex yet then the longing is being stoked. For all you know the fiance left her at the alter because she said she had feelings for someone else and it's part of a Romeo and Juliet narrative.

he's an adult male with responsibilities. He is about to become a father. You are on this journey together. you're stressed too but he doesn't care about that. He just wants to alleviate his own. You've got a harrsssing neighbour? Is he leaving you open to this by his evening absence? His priority should be protecting his child nd you as the mother of this child, including emotionally. He is an abject failure getting his wobbly ego stoked elsewhere.

you need to prioritise you. And your child. Be needs to show up or get out. I am concerned about the joint house situation and you need to find out where you stand as if there is no legal basis for you to reclaim that money you should stop paying your share now or ask to be put on the deeds.
Seek legal advice immediately. Also work out what you will get in child support. Ask a friend to help you.

If you love your family and could rebuild your life near them , if they will be there for you and helpful and support you, then go to them. But you need to tell his family. You can say x has checked out. He wants space. He is not providing me with support and I think he is having an affair. I want you all in my babies life so I will be in contact with you. Don't let him twist the narrative.

he is not the person you fell in love with. Or if he is he was always a weak moral coward and now you can see it for the first time. You are going to love your baby so much. Focus on this. Babies are the best. If he leaves your daily life remember another form of great love will walk in in the form of your child and you don't need this hassle detracting from it.

iwouldn't have him at the birth either. Ask your mother or our best friend, someone who has your best interests at heart.

OP, in your situation I would definitely move back to where you have family and friends to support you and give birth there. You can always move back if he sorts himself out. But leaving once you have the baby would be much much harder, he can say that 2 hours away is too far and would prevent him sharing custody of the child easily. Now, while you are still pregnant, it is your choice to make.

I also don’t think that going away for the weekend is going to make him miss you, as blunt as it sounds. He’ll probably be delighted you’ve left and are making it so easy for him.

Depending on your situation with the house you will probably be better to cut your losses and just make plans to leave, and make sure you claim your child maintenance from him. If your name is on the deeds then obviously don’t go so easily.

It’s too late now but this is another classic example why it’s a good idea to get married before having children.

He can move out. For his break (forever!) …
what can be worse situation to put a pregnant woman in ?? - OW must be vile.
He doesn’t kick u out so she can sleep in your bed.

Can you mum move in to help w baby?

You're still thinking about hum coming back to you/straightening himself out, which is understandable, you're in denial

But you need to get real, he's having an affair - at least an emotional if not physical (unlikely) at the most vulnerable time of your life
Less maternity photoshoots, more thinking about how you can move back to your parents and seek advice from a solictor about the house you're not named on the mortgage but are contributing to ???

You need to be telling everyone, his family and yours, that he has asked you to leave because you are pregnant and he is seeing another woman every evening!! Seriously. I'm so sorry x

Oh yes the idea he will miss you won't happen. You're just giving him what he wants. If you think this you really haven't absorbed the gravity of the situation.
amd another one for not on the birth certificate

What a mess. He's cheating and owns the house. You're going to be left single, homeless with a baby and stuck in this area unless you act fast.
I wouldn't have the break up chat tonight. I'd be getting your name on the mortgage as joint owner tomorrow. For security for the baby etc. It's that or marry next week.
Then LTB. Go back to your support network and prepare to be a single parent there.
Babies make life significantly harder and more stressful. If you stay in the current set up, give it 2 weeks before life implodes and he's asking you to leave. Rewriting your history and dating this new friend.
Wake up!!!

Emotional affair. Ask him to leave. You and baby will be better off without this head fuck. Can anyone come and stay for a while? Rely on friends and family or here if you need us.

Time to put you and baby first.

Sorry OP - he's having an affair right under your nose.

She can’t ask him to leave if it’s his house

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, but I just wanted to say what a badass response to the situation! Kudos to you for taking control of the situation and doing what is right for you! I bet you will be a fantastic mum 😊

What do you mean - ' we ' own the house BUT it's in his name !!!
do you mean the mortgage is in his name
or the title deeds are in his name

he CAN afford to keep on the house as he can either move his girlfriend in or he can take in a lodger as the house has 2 bedrooms

bit confused how you are staying with a friend this weekend, but also seeing his parents

can your parents not come and collect you if they are only 2 hours away ?

and/or surely the very least he can do is drive you back home

or put his car in your name as part payment towards what you have paid towards his house...

Oh, dear love. He’s had his head turned and he is telling you lie after lie. He has no plan to “get better”. He’s gone. Cut him off. Block him. I hope you have people in your life to
support you. A year from now this will be a terrible memory.

He's literally going on dates every evening. In front of you.

I'm glad you are starting to see this for what it is. He is a fucking bastard and trying to save his 'good dad' image. Fuck that, he has shown himself to be completely selfish, a cheat and is utterly flaunting that in the face of his pregnant partner. That makes him very much NOT a good dad. A good dad isn't about turning up to the school play, it's about modelling behaviour and teaching love and respect through actions.

Please do let him know that he has failed the good dad test and kick him to the kerb.

I'm so sorry OP. It's brutal, but you deserve better and you will find better.

This is a ghastly story.

One of the strange things I had with pregnancy was being eerily calm - I wonder if you have this too because otherwise you would be seething and much less kind about him.

Omg what a shitbag he is.

1. Move back to where your family is ASAP and before the birth. You'll need a supportive birth partner and help afterwards and this guy isn't it.
2. Register baby with your surname. If it turns out that you get back together he can change his name to match both of you.
3. Contact a lawyer to register your rights to the property If you aren't on the deeds.

I hope you have reached out to friends and family for support. It amazes me that men can be such fucking arseholes to their pregnant other halves.
I wish you all the very best in the coming weeks. I hope it doesn’t stain the enjoyment of your new beautiful arrival.

Does the new “friend” know about the baby?

OP, even if he does “shape up”, this will only be a temporary act to protect his own image. Remember that actions speak louder than words - and he is prioritising spending time with another woman (aka prioritising his own dick) over his 36 week pregnant partner and his soon-to-be-born baby 💐

Nailed it.

You say "he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?" And that sounds 100% accurate.

This is almost like relationship 'constructive dismissal'. He wants it over but doesn't want to make the first move so he is passive aggressively making things as awkward as possible hoping to provoke you into making the split. There is no future here.

Work out what is best for your what you actually want, where you want to live and work with your baby and start making plans towards that. There is no rush. Don't let his behaviour push you into making a hasty decision.

i disagree with people saying don't put his name on the birth cert. He's obviously a cowardly shit and a bad boyfriend but your child is entitled to know who their father is. I am in my sixties and my mum cut all ties with my birth father when I was about 6 months old. I've never knowingly met him, I don't know anything about him apart from his name and it has definitely had a deep, negative effect on me.

I clung on to a 6 year dead in the water relationship whilst I was pregnant.

Split when baby was 3 weeks old...

... It was such a relief! Hard work, but without the extra crap. So much more chilled. I've never been a LTB poster, but my word, you are going to be a single parent regardless, you need to just focus on you and baby. Out of the spare room and out of the house. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You will get there and you will come out stronger. His loss.