Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

OP, can you clarify what you mean about the house being in his name? I’m worried he’s going to screw you on this and keep it all for himself.

This, get rid of him from your home. Get your keys back. Pack a bag for you and a bag for the baby and go home to your family. Give birth with people around you that love and support you. This man does not love you and he clearly is not supporting you. I would bet my left leg he is having sex with this "friend" and is trying to save face and not look like a fucking monster that cheats on his pregnant gf.

Im so sorry.

He's having an affair.

You and the baby have become linked in his imagination with the stress and drama of the neighbour issues. Or this is what he's telling himself.

This woman is apparently offering responsibility free fun and probably sex.

Kick the bastard out. See a solicitor about your rights and pursue him to meet his responsibilities towards your baby.

Have just read your update and seems you have a good plan in place, good on you. His behaviour here is absolutely not acceptable, he should be supporting you through the last weeks of pregnancy, not stressing you out like this, honestly it’s pathetic and not a man worth waiting for. As much as the timing is awful in terms of being so heavily pregnant and having to deal with this, it’s good in as much as you going on maternity leave so you have the option to up and leave to go to your support system, (or kick him
out and bring them to you) and you and your baby will know no different. Good luck, you are doing amazing and your baby is going to have a wonderful strong and independent mama, you’ve got this

Hi OP, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Agree with the other posters here. What matters now is taking control, get into mother warrior mode, you don’t have long!!

1. get a PI and get proof of his infidelity, having this will strengthen your resolve in the long run (and could generally be useful for any legal matters)
2. ask for support from your employer and tell them you need some emergency time off (if you aren’t already on mat leave). They may offer a help line with legal advice for things like where you stand on mortgage/house deeds etc. Or call citizens advice.
3. work out where you want to live and make it happen, either with him leaving or you leaving. Make sure wherever it is that you have a support network.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and best wishes for your new life with your baby, it will be okay. In the long run you will meet someone far better who deserves you.

xxx

What @confessionsofatrolleydolley says -

As I was reading through your post I was waiting (but not hoping for) the part where you mentioned another woman and then bam! There it was.

They ALWAYS start out the same. They have a lot of "stress" in their life, snapping at you / acting disinterested but blaming it on work / family life / <insert random made up problem>.

Then the apologetic "I'm so sorry I'm not being the husband you need or deserve, I wish I could be better for you, I think I'm depressed, I need some time to work on being the person you fell in love with, I'm going to start seeing a therapist"....

All of which is just lining up some time apart whilst he "finds himself" (AKA moves in with OW).

A more decent person would just say "Sorry, I've met someone else so I will be moving out to live with them" (not ideal but at least honest!).

But these men are spineless and don't want to tell you the truth in case it doesn't work out with OW and then they can come back and be miraculously cured of their depression / other non-existent issues💫

This. Please think about equity and selling, not photos for now. You need to protect yourself.

Obtaining a passport will be a lot easier. Travelling out of the country will be easier. She would need to get his details every time she renewed her child's passport and ask for permission if she wants to go on holiday abroad. Things like whether he should or should not sign a birth certificate is important it could either mean more hassle or less hassle.

I'm sorry for how he's treating you. I'm glad you are sensible and have a plan in place. Go out at the weekends, until your maternity starts then leave to stay at your mums. You can do this, especially with the support of your mum and friends. Life will be worse with your ex, it will be as if you're all alone. I wish you all the very best. Please update us when you have your lovely baby.

Yes, this absolutely 💯 percent. Make your life easier by not naming him on the certificate, so you don't have to ask permission etc.

There might not be much to get if he has a mortgage and selling won't help. I think on this occasion she has screwed herself over. She will have to start again and not be so trusting.

Do you have a support network where you are? I'd consider moving back to where your family is prior to the baby being born so that you have their help. Will be much harder once the baby is here.

No problem with a female friend? You see, that is the problem.

Thanks for your update.
Your laid back attitude is doing you no favours. It is almost inviting him to do what he wants. You are allowing him to have a growing, deep and meaningful relationship elsewhere (affair) while you are at home stressing about it.

The fact they talk about you on their cosy nights out while you are alone at 36 weeks pregnant means what exactly OP? Do you think that it’s proof they aren’t getting closer and closer while you are entirely left out.

You think that a weekend away will make him come to his senses and revert back to loving you like the good old days. No. He will probably be delighted to have the house to himself.

Your statements about house ownership make no sense and show your vulnerability even more. Please wise up.

I wish you well OP, but you aren’t exactly helping yourself. You need to act decisively before you find yourself unsupported and unloved with a baby in a house you don’t own - completely at his mercy.

This is no longer about him. He has already had plenty of time to come to his senses. It’s about you taking decisive action to sort out a safe, supportive and loving home for your baby to be brought back to after giving birth.
You don’t have that in his house.
You and baby will need help and care and it’s less than 4 weeks away.

He is having an affair in plain sight. No need for a PI!!

Can you clarify the situation with who owns your home? Would you be better off going to stay with family and forcing sale of the house (if jointly owned) He will have to pay you around 15% of his net pay.

He really is an arrogant fucker isn’t he?

Beyond cruel. Dump him immediately. Tell him all you think of him - which is he is a spineless cunt. Useless, traitor. Piece of shit. I can't believe what I am reading.

https://www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/blog/unmarried-couples-owning-property-together-the-law/#:~:text=The%20default%20legal%20position%20is,and%20you%20have%20relied%20on

@DogMamma2024 Read this about property ownership.

If you've been paying towards the property but it's all in his name and you're not married, he has really done a number on you. If the property is not very valuable and there isn't much equity in it then you may want to just cut your losses and walk away. But if you've put a significant amount of money into it then it would be worth getting some legal advice to see whether you can make a claim to part ownership of the property even though it's in his name and not yours.

If you do decide to stay with this piece of shit - which is not what I or anyone else here would advise, but it's your life - it should be conditional upon him stopping seeing this woman and putting your name on the deeds to the house immediately.

As soon as you said it was a female friend I literally said ‘oh for fucks sake’ in my head. I’m so sorry OP but he’s shown you who he is. Let the ‘Lucky Lady’ have him, he’ll do it to her anyway. Enjoy your gorgeous baby and maybe he’ll step up as a dad he won’t. Give the baby your surname and get straight onto the phone to the CMS. Oh, and kick him out, even if it means changing the locks and leaving his stuff on the doorstep in a puddle whilst he’s out with his fancy piece.

Again, so sorry. I’ve been there. Whilst I wasn’t pregnant, I had a three year old and it was hard to be strong but you must be. Could you move closer to your family?

She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar.

Its likely that she’s not interested in him in a romantic way but he is obviously very interested in her.

He is trying his best to get her to like him but keeping his foot in the door with you, just in case she turns him down.

If she turned around and said she wanted him romantically, then he’d not give you a second thought.

I would find this more insulting than if he just ran off with her.

You are there simply as a back up option.

If it wasn’t for the neighbour then I’d encourage you to kick him out but I actually think you need to just get away from it all.

Could you move in with your parents for a while?
Do they have space for you and the baby?

You can use your maternity leave to find somewhere to live closer to work.

Also this is bad because of the romantic connections but even if this was a platonic male friend, his behaviour would be completely inappropriate when he has a pregnant partner at home with a difficult neighbour to deal with.

Him saying that he loves you, they’re just friends or he’s stressed are not excuses for his behaviour.

I agree. So, if you move you make it easy for him. BUT - he has 'left' anyway.
Given your family support is 2 hrs away & your situation with your neighbours etc I'd move there if your job / future job prospects allow this. It doesn't have to be forever but it gives you space, peace & support when your baby arrives. I wouldn't name him on the birth certificate - if he wishes to behave as a decent man & Father he can demonstrate this after your baby is born & you can arrange contact then. Or, if he comes to his senses, you can have a fresh start (I wouldn't- if he can do this now then he will never 'have your back' / you can never rely on him)

I'm sorry you are going through this.
He is using the 'separation' as a green light to spend time with another women. If not sexual, it is defiantly an emotional affair. hat would be a please leave line for me.
I'd start by asking him to move out before the baby arrives (who owns the house?) and get some plans into place for support during the last few weeks of pregnancy and first few weeks of baby arriving.

You could have missed out all of that about neighbour harassment and stresses and cut straight to "he's got a new friend."
That's the issue, right there. I'm so sorry. But going away for a while won't make him realise how much he misses you but would just be a green light for him to spend more time with her, possibly in what you seem to be saying is actually HIS house, not yours?
Not wanting to sleep with you in the third trimester is possibly less to do with the baby and more to do with the fact that his head has been turned. The pregnancy is just a convenient excuse.
You sound as if you have your life in order aside from him, with a good job and so on. Get your ducks in a row and put yourself and your baby first now. If you don't, he certainly won't.
Good luck.

Cake and eat it type of bloke here. Hope things get better for you and you find a good support system.xx

I knew he was cheating before you’d mentioned this ‘new friend’.