Fiancé wants to go "on a break" but I'm 36 weeks pregnant

[DogMamma2024]

Hi there, I'm not sure if anyone will even reply to this but I've been really struggling with this for over a week or so and I just don't know what else to do...

My fiance and I have been together three years and have had a really good relationship up until the past few months. We are suffering with a lot of external stress as we have an ongoing issue with a neighbour and an open stalking and harassment case with the police involving this neighbour. In the past few months this has intensified and my partner has been trying to shoulder most of it so it doesn't cause any issues with myself or the baby as we all know excessive stress can be harmful for babies development. I have noticed that our relationship has started to dwindle and we are more similar to being roommates at this stage rather than being in a supportive relationship. He is supportive of the pregnancy in so far as checking in with me regarding babies movements and how I'm feeling and attending appointments however, anything else is non-existent.

The past four weeks have been very difficult as he sat me down as said he can't take all of the stress anymore (job stress, harassment stress from the neighbour, family pressure etc.) and he said he was aware that he had been distant and not there to support me when I needed it and he had noticed that I had been feeling down and lonely but he just couldn't give me what I was needing. He then had said if I had not been so far along in pregnancy that I could have gone to stay with my family (they live 2 hours away) while he tried to sort his head out and get back to being the person that I fell in love with. I had said that obviously wasn't an option given my due date and I shouldn't have to leave my home for him to 'get better', but I can understand that he needs to make some sort of change to feel more mentally well. Since this initial discussion he has moved into the spare room and we are trialing some sort of odd 'separation' which I am struggling with. He had said he doesn't know if we should be together anymore and he wants to just see if he can 'get himself back' before the baby arrives because he wants to be the best dad he can be. I obviously want that for the baby too but I'm struggling to cope with how I'm feeling and the uncertainty that this is bringing at this time.

He has made a new friend, which is great, I have no problems with that and I am usually a very tolerant, chilled out person so we can go and do separate things and I don't mind. However, since he mentioned that he made this new friend (who is a female, again usually I wouldn't have an issue with this) he has been hanging out with her every night after work, so finishing at 5:30, showered, changed and out the house for 6pm and then not home until 9pm some nights I've started feeling very sad, lonely, unwanted and jealous. I don't understand how he doesn't have the mental energy to put into our relationship but he can go all these nice places with this new person instead? I told him the other day I had resigned myself to knowing that it was over between us and I gave him my ring back. He had asked me to not give up on him and assured me this person was just a friend. She has no interest in a relationship as her fiance recently left her at the altar. For as much as he says he loves me and he is positive about the future and everything will settle when the baby gets here, I have less hope than that. I know babies rarely keep people together and since we live in the same town as his family (and my support is over 2 hours away) I am feeling increasingly more isolated and that I'm almost 'paying pretend' that it will all be fine when the baby is here.

I guess I'm just wondering if I should set more boundaries in place as he's wanting the seperation, ie. Different bathrooms, he can do his own food shop, washing etc and ask him to stop saying "I love you" and using terms of endearment? I'm finding it so confusing that he says he loves me and then leaves to go and have a lovely time with his new friend while I sit in the house and get things ready for the baby.

I'm also starting to think if it was the other way around would he like me spending lots of time with some attractive man while he couldn't do things at home - the answer to that is definitely no. But then I'm thinking do I just give him as much space as I can (considering we still live in the same house and both work from home) and hope that he works it out before baby gets here. Or do I just resign myself to the fact he doesn't want to be with me but it too scared to actually say it?

If you've made it to the end of this I really appreciate it. The situation is so rubbish I don't even know what I'm looking for here, just someone to maybe have some encouragement that it won't end horribly - even if that just means baby and I will be fine with or without him. Thanks again 💕

You have been more than generous in giving him the benefit of the doubt so far, but his story doesn't add up. He's manipulating you with his story. I'm not sure what level of stress he has with his job and the neighbour, but unless his job is life and death and the neighbour is treatening to stab him, then I doubt this 'stress' is that much compared to the first months of having a new baby in the house. Also, if he's chasing skirt when you are pregnant, he'll never last through the barren times that can come with the stresses and exhaustion of a new born.

In one way, it's good that you guys are at least talking throough things, but it really sounds like he is being far from honest with you.

It might be worth moving to be with your family if they would offer support.

I hope this works out for you in the best way possible.

P.S. Sorry, reading this back I omitted the most important thing, to pull all this when you are 36 weeks pregnant is scumbag level behaviour.

Selfishness is the worst possible trait in a life partner (ok, after violent, but I'm never met a violent person who isn't selfish) and it's a trait that rarely improves much.

OP your relationship is over and I think both of you know it. Dragging it out because you are pregnant isn't helping you or him.

The new friend is suspicious.

Regardless. you are separated as per your own words. start thinking in these terms. It may be helpful for you guys to still live together for the first few months of the baby if you think you can manage it emotionally.

Please start thinking of yourself as single and process these emotions as you don't want to be in the beginning stages when you are labouring/post-partum.

Stop letting him string you along and make decisions for yourself. you are not a lemming your life choices are not on his terms.

Oh yes. Give the baby your last name. He hasn't earned that honour

How do you suggest that she gets her name on the mortgage? Similarly, how does she marry a bloke who seems to have already checked out of the relationship?
If they were married, he would have parental responsibility, and most posters are saying don't give him that?

Sorry to get over involved. You could also have a phone conversation with the lady friend to find out what she thinks is going on.
When I was pur on a break it turned out the woman he was having an affair with thought we had split. He had lied to her as well as to me.
Information is power.

10/10

I know everyone has already commented on the affair he's obviously having so let's ignore that and get down to business. You must use this time to have a very serious think about what you want and can afford: where you want to live, what work will look like after maternity, will be able to afford to live, where the childcare will be etc etc.

For example, if you move to your parents' area so you can get help with childcare, then you're there. Sounds like right now he won't object. But he might once the baby is say 18months old. My ex was entirely disinterested in our daughter when we first split and DD was c1yr but my divorce lawyer said 'you wait, all these men start to get really interested and controlling when their little mini-me starts saying Daddy'. At that point they won't let you move.

Even if you're not married, if you're in a property owned by him and he's covering bills you are officially a dependent cohabitee. So you don't have full married person rights, but he can't just chuck you out and leave you unhoused.

You're 36 weeks pregnant, this is so so stressful for you. But to the extent you can, try to be cunning, rational, and feather your own nest.

Thank you for your update, @DogMamma2024 and I hope your move goes well.
Just concentrate on your coming baby now.

He may have been hoping to delay things to the 'point of no return' so he could at least be at the birth, and also to get his name on the birth certificate. And make himself look less of a twat to onlookers. Go back to your parents now, focus on yourself and baby. The rest can wait.

He sounds lower than dog shit. If I were you I would pack my stuff and leave when he is out (with his friend) and I would go back to my parents house. I wouldn't communicate with him at all except to tell him that you will have him informed when baby is here and I would focus on your future as a single mother and how you are going to manage. Luckily maternity leave will give you a buffer period to try and arrange your life. I honestly wouldn't factor him in to anything. He has already shown that he cannot commit to this baby or be trusted. I'm very sorry this has happened to you at what is your most vulnerable time when you need safety and security. Absolute pile of dog shit.

He has hours every night for a female.

until he has the hours for you he needs to find his own house.

otherwise he has a great set up - you are his housekeeper and a baby to cuddle when wanted and his friend is everything else!!

When I read the title of this thread, I was stupid enough to think that it meant that the fiancé wanted to treat them both to a holiday (a break as in a "weekend break" or "city break"), but that OP was too tired because she is pregnant.

I understand now that that was not the case.

I read your update, OP. You are doing the right thing.
I wish you all the best, and I hope everything works out for you!

Absolutely. You don't want this in your life

Move now. The second the baby is born it's deemed resident of the town you're in and he can stop you moving. He's checked out, you'll be left alone holding newborn while he's out with her.

Have your parents come get you, rent a car, beg friends. Do what you have to do to leave now before baby arrives. Then at least you'll have your support in place.

How can he stop her moving? He won't have parental responsibility.

C'mon OP, wake up and smell the coffee. He's having a great time shagging his new little playmate. He's having an affair! He's staying with you because it's somewhere to sleep, eat and shower and he doesn't want the humiliation of moving back with his parents. He is also seeing how this relationship plays out. If his "new friend" doesn't want him, he's got you as a back up. He's making a total fool out of you. Kick his nasty sorry arse out now.

When I was pregnant my then H was having an affair, I noticed things (as you have) but didn't attach the significance to them. Almost as soon as my baby was born, a light went on and I could see H for what he was (like we can see yours). Just tell him to go now. Much as I dont want your situ to be like mine, it is. It's horrible now, but I promise you it improves. Sending hugs.

As someone else said on another thread "his head has turned and he's going for it". So sorry for you OP

I will be honest, I stopped reading as soon as you mentioned the new 'female friend'. He is having an affair OP and I am so sorry you are going to have to navigate this in the late stages of pregnancy. I wish you the very best ❤

I am so sorry.
this sounds incredibly rough.

I think you should ask him to leave.
he can do his “getting head straight” on his mums/siblings/friends/this friends couch.

can a friend/sibling/parent come and visit you?
help you make a plan.

Sending you the biggest cuddles ❤️ Pregnancy is an emotional ride at the best of times, without whatever this prick is putting you through. Can you go to your family or can they come to you? You need all the love and support you can get.

If you aren’t married and the house isn’t in joint names then you don’t own it. He does. However you may have a claim but you need specialist legal advice. You know he’s cheating, sadly. Move back to your parents’ home as not only will they support you, this means you will be established there and he can’t later stop you moving when the baby is here and you are on your own. Give the baby your surname. Sorry. What a spineless shit he is.

If he's got time to go out every night with another woman he's got time to work on a relationship. I'd not put up with it and he would be out the door. I'm sorry but it doesn't sound good it sounds like he's having a relationship with her 🙁 xx

OP, he's really done a number on you and messed with your head so I can see why you might be still hoping that there may be a chance to salvage the relationship. He doesn't want you but he's too cowardly to tell you to move out of the house that he's very conveniently kept in his name. I bet he's told his new girlfriend that he hasn't slept with you for months and that you're separated though.

Find your anger. Start telling your friends and family what an arse he's being: showering and going on dates with his new girlfriend every night while stringing you along by vaguely pretending to love you and to care about your baby.

If he cared about you or the baby he'd give you a clean break instead of stressing you like this. Don't trust his parents either - they must already know how badly he's treating you but they will want to try to keep you around so they can see the baby.

Hold your head up high and move back to your family. He's shown himself to be weak, unreliable and dishonest. You are better off without him. It will hurt in the short term, but in the long run you will be blissfully happy with your baby and you'll see what a lucky escape you had from this lying, useless arse and his new girlfriend.

My husband has experienced a hugely stressful time- we too have had a nightmare neighbour plus I had terrible post partum anxiety and was a shouty wild mess for 18months.

he did retreat into himself.
he was a huge sweaty mess at night
he became acutely aware of noise.
he probably did wish he could leave and find a lighter easier happier life/wife
but he didn’t.
he held the fort.
and we may have weathered this storm.

how you deal with stresses when you are a couple and a parent will have huge bearing on how you as a couple will thrive/survive/maintain joy.

frankly parenting is hugely stressful and
if his answer at this point is to separate, to leave you emotionally, then even if he does return, what will he do when your child still doesn’t sleep through the night at four years old, who screeches every morning, who sucks every glimmer of calm from you for months on end?
sounds like you will solo parent within this marriage, you’ll be protecting him from the baby. You’ll be parenting two children in effect .

and that isn’t much fun.

starting afresh now might feel daunting, but unravelling a family later will be harder.