Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

You can do it. Don't resign. Take time off if needed, but don't let your husband rob you of your job as well as your marriage and home.

When you're ready, keep posting.
We'll be here to support you.

I'm so sorry this has happened. My ex of 12 years left me with a 2 month old baby for another woman. I wondered the same; will he come back? Now, 2 years on, I'd laugh I his fave and tell him to jog on if he wanted to come back. I very much suspect that I a couple of years time, you'll think the same. Even if it doesn't feel like it now.

I could have written this 6 years ago. It was a shocking and shattering experience. He repeatedly denied OW (there was), he did not come back.

I am now so much happier. Ex and I are on good terms. The ‘Runaway Husbands’ book, website and private Facebook page was of enormous help to me. You will be okay in time.

The horrible things he is saying to you about you and your marriage are not true, they are just him justifying why he has done this to make himself feel better, it assuages his guilt for the devastation he has caused. Never ever doubt your worth as a strong capable mum who has raised what sound like lovely children, they are your greatest achievement, just remember this when he is spitting vile spiteful lies to make himself feel better. Keep remembering you would never look twice at a man who behaves like this, so keep looking forward, straight ahead and one hour at a time, the shock will pass and your thinking will clear, stay strong🥰🥰🥰

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It's happened to many of us, sadly, including me. It's an act of great cruelty and I have no time for men who exit their marriages this way. They should have been talking to you about any problems, trying to work out whatever's wrong and, if it's over for him, sitting you down and gently talking over their desire for a split.

But I don't think their reasons are genuine. I think it's most likely that they have indeed met someone else, and the cruelty of their discard is misplaced guilt, and anger at themselves for being the bad guy.

What's hilarious/pathetic about it is that the husbands all follow the same tired old playbook. playbook. The suddenness, the icy treatment....the rewriting of the past will come next, the version where he was never happy, the two of you were never in love, etc. Everything about your past will suddenly mean nothing and there is a stranger in place of your husband. It's textbook. Read Vikki Stark's book, Runaway Husbands. It's all in there. And here's the website. https://www.runawayhusbands.com/

This is very easy for me to say as a cool-headed outsider, but if I were you, I'd give him the shock of his miserable, pathetic life and tell him that you completely agree, that you haven't been happy for ages either, and that the quickest divorce possible is in both your interests. That'll put a bomb up his arse.

Sorry, OP. You are not alone in this terrible treatment, not at all.

You say you couldn't do it, but you don't know until you find yourself there. Sadly. If your options are bad or worse, you choose bad.

So sorry OP. I have been in your situation, although we had only been together 15 years. You can’t help but grieve for your future together, it’s only natural.
When you say you love him so much, and I am sure you do, you actually love the man he was, or you thought he was. If he once was that man, he is no longer.
I did tell the OW’s husband as she had not left him at that stage. I didn’t want there to be any possibility of us reconciling and then him dumping me again later if she split up with her husband.
I’ve never regretted separating and not taking him back. I moved on and found a faithful man and we were together for over 20 years.
Be strong. The anger will come and that makes everything so much easier to bear.

Can you get signed off sick from work while you gather yourself?

Please OP, please assume he’s not coming back and get your ducks in a row.

It’s so recent, and your head is probably all over the place (mine was). But you need to do this. I didn’t and was royally shafted.

If you can afford it, get some legal advice. You need to be prepared for what’s coming. There’s a very narrow window where he may be reasonable and you need to take this time to plan.

So sorry OP. I really feel for you. How hurtful that he’s being so cold to you, too - I can’t imagine how men can suddenly turn like that on somebody they’re supposed to care about. Maybe he thinks he has to act that way in order to prove he’s serious about the divorce, I don’t know, but it sounds devastating. I’m sorry.

After 29 years, of I thought a really good marriage I found out my husband was having an affair.
The shock was tremendous - like everything wasn't what I believed it to be. We are reconciled and very happy but I do not want to give you false hope, but would say...
Don't resign, you will need the routine and stability of work when you recover. Your employer sounds very reasonable. (I'm also an Accountant oddly, and my boss's were amazing)
Whale and bawl all you need to in private or with very close friends, not your husband or children
If you do not reconcile life will be different to what you imagined but will still be amazing. You know all the things you'd like to do that you don't because it's maybe not his cup of tea
Your number one priority right now is you - be kind to yourself, look after yourself.

Speak to your GP.
The pain with me felt physical, it's an awful time but you will get through it with or without him.
Huge hugs xx

100% tell her husband. He thinks he can just delete you with no consequences, he's crazy. At the absolute minimum he is going to have to tell the truth about his infidelity and deal with the fallout of that.

I thought you suspected this woman, have I missed a post where you’ve got definite proof?
He’s admitted it?

We are collectively furious with him and so sad for you.
Many of us have broken hearts, some long ago, some recent, some right now like you. We all work through it. Sometimes 2 steps fwd, 1 step back but we get there.

It might take you weeks or months to get to a plateau where you are coping better. You will be grieving hugely, just like a bereavement.

Don’t give up work! Work will be your distraction and panacea. No sitting on the sofa crying. Keep yourself in work woman.

All sorts of professional women go through this , nurses, doctors, surgeons, tv presenters, actors you name it. Do they give up work? No of course not. They paint a smile on & get back to the cut and thrust.

Yoh are lucky to have a sibling to talk to. Many of us have no-one, small kids etc who are anxious and missing their parent, so we just have to buckle up for the ride. It will get easier. We who have been through it, can promise you that.
((Big hugs)) x

Agree with this. Let's have reality biting.

Yes they do come back but from what ive seen, never quite the same.

A friend's partner went back to his wife when said wife was dumped by her affair partner - as far as i know, still together
Friend went back to his wife once his affair ended - she took him back because she found there wasnt much else out there - still married
Friend's husband had numerous affairs but she did take him back and went onto having children - now divorced

Thereds a lot of support on these threads whatever you decide. Good luck to you

Just seen your post re work OP. Don't resign. It sounds as if your boss is lovely- take time if you need it, but definitely don't resign. You have worked hard to build a career- your dickhead ex might be able to throw away your marriage but don't let him take the other elements of your life. When the dust settles you will have something solid to fall on- it's yours and he doesn't get to destroy that too.

Yes. I rarely think people should tell others but you should. Verbally.

@Pleasenotme

''He was always so totally critical of men who left their wives for OW.''

Oh this old chestnut that they like to spew out.

Yup, my husband was the same- horrified that they could leave wife and children- then they then do the self same thing.

It's an absolute pain about the house if you love it so -

Could you buy him out?

{Inheritances??} - if you really love the house, it seems a shame to lose it.

It really is so painful when this happens.

I'm so sorry OP. I went through the same thing 3 years ago, I thought I couldn't go on from the heartbreak. The confusion was overwhelming. I promise it does get better, slowly.
im also so sorry that he is being horrible to you. From my experience that's worse than the actual cheating. Please remember, it's not you. It isn't true, you're not the awful person he is painting you as. He needs you to be the villain to justify how he's treating you, but that doesn't make it true. You can do this ❤️

No one here thinks you are pathetic, dear OP.
Your pain is a stab to your very being. I understand. I am so very sorry for you.
One step in front of the other. Hugs.

OP - don't make any rash decisions today or tomorrow. Be your own best friend - would you make any huge decisions if you were drunk, or on drugs? Your emotions have taken a proper bashing, your brain's abilities to process information are being challenged. How you feel today won't be how you feel this time next week. See your GP. Talk to your employer and have a break. Get a notebook and write down your feelings (I found this hugely helpful, meant I wasn't going over and over stuff in my head). Small meals and often (a salad would exhaust me). Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself some more.

Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back?

Yes. My first DH pulled the plug on our marriage for an OW, leaving me absolutely broken. But somehow I managed to keep going, and then met new DH. Then my ex decided he wanted to come back.

I have my suspicions that had I not moved on, my ex wouldn’t have wanted me back, but I will obviously never know, and it’s not important now.

Dear OP -You may want to reflect that ''life is a movable feast''- with happiness and sorrow - both of which can be completely out of our control. We have to pass through the sad times as best we can - being kind to ourselves. ..you need to count your blessings if you can and not grieve for this man who is not suffering at all and has said very cruel things to you. You will just make yourself ill if you cannot come to terms with his unexpected and shocking behaviour.