Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Take this time to grieve op. Let people who care look after you and rebuild your strength x

I've been there, and it's the worst I've ever felt. I wish I could come and give you a huge hug and cup of tea/stiff drink. Mine did come back, I practically begged him to, but now I wish he hadn't. I've never trusted him again. I'm so sorry he's acted so shit xx

You are right, I love him so so much. I literally cannot believe this is happening.

I haven't read the thread. But to answer your question, my dad left my mum for her much younger best friend when I was at college, so may be 19 and my brother was 16 ISH. This woman, Anne had three under 5s and he came home within a month as he couldn't hack it. They have been married 55 years now. So it is possible, if you can forgive.

Why would you want him back?? Hold your head up high and don't let him see how upset you are. Prove to him you don't need him. Get your finances in order asap! Hopefully your sorrow will turn to rage soon.

OP I've just been through this and I'm slowly coming out of the other side now - and i was with my now ex for 15 years so for 35 years I cannot imagine what your going through.
My ex did exactly this, listed a huge amount of reasons why "he" could never get back with me, reasons "I'm" the problem.
All while I was begging him to come back(I also got told to have some self respect) .
He is absolutely 100% gaslighting you and using manipulative tactics to sway away from his disgusting shitty behaviour to guilt trip you and make you believe its all your fault! This is emotional abuse.
I can guarantee if you look back now at your 35 years you will see things here and there he has blamed you for and gave criticism.
It may or may not be another woman and that thought of them being with someone else is completely gut wrenching it makes you feel physically sick but you need to completely dissociate yourself from him, think of him as a stranger, a stupid manipulative man who has treated you so badly and doesn't care.
Podcasts and self help books really helped me, and then looking into finding yourself again and who you are, your likes, hobbies ect.
You'll get through this, eat where you can, stay in bed, take time to really grieve and then youll come out of it a stronger person and tell him to F off if he ever tried crawling back xx

You are not a fool you are a normal grieving woman. trying to con himself and you that he has justification for his behaviour pathetic. How nice that your brother is coming round.

Men can compartmentalize, old life done, bright new shiny life beckons. They're such fools 🙄

Op

sending hugs - you should alert the husband- if anything it will give her a rude awakening and she probably won’t leave when in 20 years her lover will be nearly 80!!!

I'm so sorry. He isn't the person you thought he was, that you loved, he's proved that now. Find your anger about how he's treated you. I know it's easier said than done but you will get there, and better off to know.

“I know that sounds foolish and selfish”

Absolutely nothing you have said sounds remotely foolish or selfish. I would however describe your Husband with both of those words.

Please be kind to yourself. You have had absolutely devastating and life changing news. You need to put everything else to one side and look after yourself in this moment as a priority. Do you have family/friends nearby who can support you in person? Definitely go see the GP tomorrow. And call Samaritans day or night, whenever you need to speak to someone. And keep coming back to this thread - we are here to support you and hold your hand through this 💐

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Don’t take him back even if he comes crawling back on his hands and knees. He’s an arse.
I sometimes look at young women now and when they make engagement announcements, I want to shout at them not to do it. I feel sorry for them, but I used to feel happy for them.
A lot of people these days do not take marriage vows seriously, it’s too easy to cheat. I’ve had it happen to me. I’m so sorry it has happened to you OP.
You need to steel yourself now. You are an accountant, so I assume have a good income. Protect yourself and your future. Pity the OW she has bagged herself a cheat.
You could have a better future to come. You just need to change that sadness into determination to make a better life for yourself, and pity for them that they are lying pathetic cheats.
Its very hard when you are in the eye of the storm, but you need to think of yourself now.

I has my now Ex tell me -
He'd been miserable for years ...
If I'd been a better wife he might have stayed ...
And
He was actually the hero of this story as her (and there's always a "her") husband had slapped her around ...

Miserable for years - like I was keeping him prisoner or something, the arse! The "better wife" comment is something I think he thought would make me shrivel up in shame - yeah, bollocks pal, you can't have a 23+ year marriage with a rubbish wife!

I was calling him day and night, this guy, my best friend for 28+ years, someone I spoke to every day, that knew my innermost thoughts and feelings. He didn't leave willingly, by the way - I found the messages between the two of them (emotional affair, he was 50, she was 33)!! Said if he cuts contact and works at our marriage we could go forward ... two weeks later found more messages and his stuff was, literally, thrown out the door. The humiliation! The betrayal! OP I know a little of how you feel right now. I'm 12 years on, divorce (which I refused to sort, no longer sorting out his sh*t), home of 20+ years sold; he's with someone else (in her home, with her two teen girls) and I have my own home which I absolutely love - on my own which is fine / fabulous - doubt I'd trust anyone ever again, sadly.

OP - he can't miss you if you are forever in his face - calling, texting etc. It takes such strength but this bloke now is not the same bloke you have been with all these years. I honestly don't know how they do it, but it's like a complete personality transplant. I don't know my ex. He's an arse and I don't want that in my life.

They do sometimes comeback but that's usually for their benefit not that if the women involved. You are better off free of a cruel and weak man. The pain you feel now is because that isn't who you thought he was.

It may be he hadn't progressed with the OW, sometimes they have built castles in the air and thinking once they are 'free' she will fall in to their arms. Often they are wrong in this.
They also often underestimate how angry their children will be. Kids can still love a bad husband but they don't like or trust them. That will hurt him when it dawns on him.

Be very kind to yourself. If you have a joint account or joint savings make sure you secure your half. If he's been foolish enough to leave anything he previously valued in the house then dispose of it as you see fit. He's made his position clear, no need to keep living with his crap around your neck. Give some thought to what sort of split feels fair. You've no doubt spent years childrearing with impact on your pension and earnings so that will need to be accounted for. Don't ever make excuses for him. He is a cruel and faithless man who's broken your heart. That's the reality become has to live with in the eyes of everybody you know.

My brother has just arrived so I'll step away for now. I'm so grateful to you all for taking the time to answer and with such wisdom and frequently dreadful experiences of your own. I am so sorry for anyone who has been through this as it's hell on earth. I'm still crying with gulping sobs, like a child, but need to get a grip. My lovely, very senior boss rang me earlier to check in and I couldn't speak, couldn't get the words out of my mouth. She just talked away neutrally about work stuff. I am supposed to be doing a major audit but she is taking me off that. She says she will ring again tomorrow. My overwhelming desire is to tell her I'm resigning with immediate effect as I don't think I can do any of this any more.

I reckon he will be back.

But please please please don't let him.

If this was your daughter in this situation you would tell her not to take him back.

Honestly you will be better without him. Time will heal it really will.

Take this chance to change your life for the better.

My heart is breaking for you OP. What an absolute fool your husband is. I know it will be hard but try and look after yourself, try and eat little and often and stay hydrated. Sleep will be difficult I’m sure, it was for me but rest when you can. Sending you love and strength xx

This made me very sad. I don’t know what to say except to offer you support and all good wishes from afar. I am so, so sorry. Please try to stay strong. Things will get better for you.

You will get through this and you will come out better the other end of it.

It suits him to re-write history at the moment as it allows him justify his actions. Just ignore it.

The pain will stop and the anger will come. Use it to get the best divorce settlement you can.

Some do come back but by the time they do,you won't want him because you'll realise he isn't the person you thought he was. You are in love with who he was, not who he is. Remember that.

My DH is 18 years older than her if she is as I think, 39. Like her he is super fit and very attractive and was a semi-professional athlete in his youth.

If this is true then his best years are long gone. I'm late 30s and not a chance in hell would I want to be with a man who is almost 60. He may have been fit and attractive but that will be fading very quickly at this age!

@Pleasenotme There is ALWAYS another woman.

Cherchez la femme.

My husband left as well, but his relationship with the ''other woman'' didn't work out, he married her as soon as our divorce came through- but the entire 'relationship' was over in 2.5yrs.

He didn't come back {Wouldn't have wanted that anyway}

We get on fine now, and DS is now an adult and sees his dad still-

After 35 yrs..what a shocker for you though.

So assuming you are in your mid 50's/60's -

You have spent most of your life with this man, so obviously the betrayal will be very painful.

I HAVE known serial 'philanderers' who always keep their wives on a back burner, but the wives usually know about the infidelities, and it's the lifestyle that the husband and wife have together {they usually have pretty nice house and good lifestyle} but the husband has his ''bit one the side''.

That's something I couldn't do though.

Now is the time for strength OP. The crying and grief will have their time, but you must think straight right now - because trust me he is !
see a solicitor straight away. Do not delay. It’s time for you to think smart, there will be time for tears OP.
youll get through it!!!

OP, you have not been a fool - you've trusted someone you've been with for decades and had kids with! You have been decent and kind. You have nothing to apologise for - not to your "d"h, not to us on here. All of your reactions are completely natural and expected - you have been betrayed horrifically.

He sounds like a peach. 57 years old, married, and chasing someone married in their 30s with 2 small kids. Grim.

That said, unfortunately, you will need to find a way forwards. I do think you should tell friends, particularly those who will be able to support you practically or emotionally. You should stop communicating with him now, unfortunately. Only pain can come from it. He's lied to himself about not being happy for a while - no, he was fine, he just saw someone young and fit and took a major ego boost from bagging her because he is a selfish idiot without any ability to think through the consequences. Reality will be different. Hurt husband, little kids between homes.

You should start divorce proceedings. Get rid of this rotten piece of shit.

Sadly, his looks aren't fading. Mine, however..