Page 34 | Do they ever come back? Devastated.

Pleasenotme · 2024-09-17T15:25:33+00:00

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally. I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it. I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

AmberAlert86 · 19/09/2024 20:18

zeibesaffron · 19/09/2024 14:54

I am so sorry this is happening to you, you sound lovely.

Please recognise that his life is not worth more than yours, and whilst it will be the most god awful pain right now- it will pass, it will get less, maybe not this week or next - but it will.

I wouldn’t waste your precious annual
leave I would call the GP today and say yes please to a sick note - and don’t read the info on the anti -d’s (they have to put every side effect on there that anyone, anywhere has ever had whether it was related to the drug or not!) Take one and see how it goes, if no side effects take another tomorrow- just be in control of how it makes you feel and call the GP if there are issues. Also use the crisis team/ samaritans etc if things get too much.

Use all your friends and family, don’t be afraid to ask for support, to ask for a hug, to ask for someone to sit with you. You are worthy of this help this pain has not been caused by you its been caused by your complete dick of a H. I have read all the wonderful things you have said about him - but really? do nice, kind, thoughtful men have OW? No, they don’t- they find ways to make things work? they communicate and they try? He has done none of these things.

You on the other hand are kind, thoughtful, a good mum, fab at her job, articulate and have tried 100% to keep their relationship alive! He will be trying to re-write your life so he can justify the OW to you and the family - fundamentally it’s all bullshit, do not believe it or him. This is all on him.

My exh gave me a list when we split up, one of the ridiculous things he said was I once made a casserole not from scratch! (I had just used a stock cube) I have to say at the time I was doing the pick me dance, but this made me stop and I just laughed! I didn’t know it was a reason to end a marriage. Don’t though let him rewrite whats important to you.

In the next few days you will need to take some steps- he is already ahead of you, his behaviour will get worse and colder - prepare yourself for this. But you will need to get advice, good advice, do not let him rush you (he caused this not you remember this). Do not make any decisions without advice and your friends/ family being around you. I am afraid I don’t think at this time he is thinking about anyone else apart from himself- so every day take a small step - today wash your hair, tomorrow try having something to eat. Take your time cry, shout so whatever is best for you right now. Your emotions are heightened and must feel out of control- but I promise you, you will be okay.

Oh these nasty women! one has a messy cupboard, another used a stock cube! All of my cupboards are messy currently, and I didn't realise using a stock cube was a culinary crime. I guess I need to go and thank my hubs for putting up with me

AmberAlert86 · 19/09/2024 20:21

CinnamonJellyBeans · 19/09/2024 16:01

OP. If he marries the new OW, she will inherit automatically when he dies first. Unless she lets him will his half to his own kids (which, let's face it, isn't going to happen).

You might feel that a good financial settlement is the last thing you're concerned with right now, but that's your kids' inheritance he wants to spend on his new family. Inheritance that you probably earned and facilitated more than he did.

So if you can find the energy, please think about getting a decent solicitor, the best in your area, before your husband engages one

I was wondering the same. The heinous OW could end up with OP kids inheritance if she doesn't fight back. I'd go for every penny I can get, not due to revenge but to protects what's my children's rightfully

Secondstart1001 · 19/09/2024 20:26

@Pleasenotme I know it doesn’t feel like it but you have made a step towards a slow and steady recovery, please be sure of that. I’ve been out looking like a homeless person before .. sure a lot of women have at certain crisis points. But you got out, got the cat some food and hopefully some bits for yourself. It’s exhausting, I know … be kind to yourself. It’s hard as you are mourning someone that’s still alive … that’s harder as I can see from your posts you just want to see your H and hold him. Are partners our usually our protectors and our safe place so of course it’s a hard hit and something incomprehensible.

Secondstart1001 · 19/09/2024 20:26

“Our” not “Are”! Sorry

Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 20:39

What is happening to you is appauling. Another man making his dick and how a younger woman makes it feels dares accusing his wife of failings. I am sorry but you just many others whose men done this to them, was married to a perv. Let him go, for ggsake

XChrome · 19/09/2024 20:52

Wills · 18/09/2024 23:09

Hi,

I’m tentatively reaching out because so much of your story is the same as mine. I’ve been lurking for a while (a few days) but your retelling is so similar to what I’m currently going through. I’m 13.5 weeks ahead of you. We’d been together 33 years, married 26. We have 4 kids but there’s a reasonably high probability that he knows my name on Mumsnet and will see this post.
I could change my name and will do soon, especially as it was his nickname for me but whilst I’m still the same name I thought I’d reach out.
Like you I really thought that if this happened I’d be furious, the kind of furious that throws his clothes out the window etc. So, like you, I’m gobsmacked at my lack of pure rage. I’ve lurked on your thread since you initially posted it. I’m still so incredibly raw that I’m only reaching out because at 13.5 weeks I need company. The desire to beg is so strong. Like you I have. Unlike you I’ve been a SAHM for the last 18 years. We have 4 kids of which 3 are neurodiverse so I foolishly gave up my career in IT/Investment banking because I thought we’d be together forever. My kids range in age from 24 to 14 and he made it very clear early on that he would never compromise his career. So believing we’d have eternity together once I’d raised the kids I let him bugger off to the Middle East.
I’m the child of divorced parents myself and have done my upmost to protect them from this. Yet in the last week it’s become obvious that he’s not only leaving me, he’s leaving the kids too. Somehow that’s even worse. Like everything we built means nothing to him. His affair is out there but I don’t think she means anything and I don’t know whether thats good or bad. That said he’s definitely being ‘kinder’ to me than your’s and has only told me he had the affair to punish me for being stressed when he got home for the last 6 months (My mother has dementia (3rd loved one to go down this route), I took on a training course that was slightly beyond me at his insistence) but your stbxH’s litany of faults sound awful. I’ve had a list but you’ve definitely had worse.
The b’tard admittted to the affair on my 55th birthday. Yay, so great to have my birthday destroyed for a while.
But I really relate to you on many fronts. Firstly I really can’t understand why I’m not a screaming Banshee. Almost 14 weeks on I think I might be able to reject him if he came crawling back, but it’s only a think and given some of things he’s said and done OMG, I so need a backbone!!!!
Not going to say anymore. Am going to change my username soon. Do PM me if you feel able to because some days sharing the despair and knowing someone else out there knows how you feel and gets it might be helpful.
Sending love and hugs.

I suspect you'll find your rage when you accept that you did nothing to deserve this and that he is an awful person. You are still trying to tell yourself he's not so bad, but he is. To want to "punish" you for what you were going through with your mom is horrendous. It's kicking you when you were down and only a complete asshole would do it. To not care about the effect on his children is unconscionable. The way he forced you to compromise your career shows how selfish and controlling he is. The anger comes when you fully realize that a great injustice has been done to you.
He was probably cheating while he was away, btw. I'm guessing he's either a serial cheater or it was quite a long term affair by the way he immediately blamed you and from the speed with which he detached from you and the kids after you found out. This is because he has justified his behavior by demonizing you for a long time and has had time to break all attachment to his family and to justify that in his mind. It doesn't usually happen that quickly.
I'm sorry to have to say these things but ultimately they are your ticket to recovery. You have to fully accept that you have been seriously wronged, no matter how much nicer than OP's husband he is being. He can afford to be pleasant because he is getting everything he wants and having everything his way with no obstacles. Should you present an obstacle you will see who he really is. His entitled rage will come out. Then you can detach from him. Once you have seen behind the mask, it will happen.
As Chump Lady says (check out the amazing chumplady.com) cheaters have three manipulation techniques; rage, charm and self pity. When they seem nice you are seeing the charm offensive technique. When that doesn't get them what they want they turn to the other techniques.

I've been where you are. I found my anger immediately because I refused to accept his blame-shifting bullshit. I knew it was all on him. You will realize this in time too.
I hope you are focusing on your strategy for coming out of this financially okay, because that should be the first priority. Do you have a lawyer? Once you know you will survive economically you will have the mental space to figure out how to survive emotionally. Just be prepared for his rage when he realizes you are not going to accept less than you deserve. You have spent your life raising his kids while he thought only of himself and wouldn't sacrifice anything. He owes you for that. Make sure he pays up.

XChrome · 19/09/2024 20:59

CinnamonJellyBeans · 19/09/2024 16:01

OP. If he marries the new OW, she will inherit automatically when he dies first. Unless she lets him will his half to his own kids (which, let's face it, isn't going to happen).

You might feel that a good financial settlement is the last thing you're concerned with right now, but that's your kids' inheritance he wants to spend on his new family. Inheritance that you probably earned and facilitated more than he did.

So if you can find the energy, please think about getting a decent solicitor, the best in your area, before your husband engages one

Great advice. OW is going to take everything if OP doesn't stand up for her rights.

NobbyNeighbour · 19/09/2024 21:12

Why does he think the state of the cupboards are your responsibility? He lived there too and I assume has full use of his hands, he could have sorted the cupboards out if he wanted! Pathetic arse.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 19/09/2024 21:13

Oh OP

You have had a huge shock and you are grieving for the loss of your marriage, your identity, your past, your imagined future, everything as you knew it.

Nobody can tell you how long will feel like this, however, it is largely in your hands. You can face up to this with baby steps.

Try and do something for yourself every day - sort paperwork; make solicitor appointment, meet friend for coffee, ring friend/family, eat some ice cream, buy yourself flowers, paint your toenails, sort out a cupboard, smash something, whatever.
Make a long list and do one thing on that list every day.

As each day goes on you will keep getting up, putting one foot in front of the other and moving on. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself the truth - that you are STRONG.

You might not feel strong but just from reading your posts it is obvious that you are. How you write, your expression, your admission if your feelings.

It might not feel like it right now but you've got this, you really have.

We are all here for you x

Bestyearever2024 · 19/09/2024 21:26

Great advice. OW is going to take everything if OP doesn't stand up for her rights

Absolutely

It's tough but the OP has to fight for her kids inheritance/financial future

Twat Husband can't be allowed to get away with anything financial

Gummybear23 · 19/09/2024 21:27

Do try to get out the house.
Go for a long walk.
Try 10,000 steps a day.
Drink at least a litre of water a day.

Focusing on something will help.

Namechangeforcheese · 19/09/2024 21:29

When I was a working psychotherapist clients would often ask should they see their doctor about medication to help them though what they thought was depression when the sadness they were feeling probably wasn't actually clinical depression but a perfectly appropriate and proportionate emotional response to a very distressing situation.

However I am not and was not medically trained and so not qualified to diagnose so I always told them to discuss it with their doctor - who normally agreed with me.

If @Pleasenotme 's GP has prescribed ADs they clearly thinks she needs them. GPs don't dish them out like smarties so I'd trust their judgement.

I hope things work out for you @Pleasenotme

Laiste · 19/09/2024 21:33

I am so glad you have a good friend to let it all out to OP.

Especially a candid one! Everyone needs a friend who will say it like it is.

Did you get to Tesco? Funny how caring for animals can so often be the catalyst for 'keeping on' in our lives. You just have to

XChrome · 19/09/2024 21:35

For folks who were asking about The Script, I think there is a thread on it, but I'll give it a stab for a partial list of cheawee (cheating weinee) behaviors.

Cheawee blames his partner in the following ways;

"You weren't making me happy."

"You did/you are ...." (fill in the blanks with incredibly petty compliants, usually about supposed failures in housekeeping, cooking, sex and appearance, showing how sexist he is.

"You're controlling." is also popular, and is almost always a projection, as the cheater is the controlling one.

Cheawee makes other self-deluded excuses, such as;

"It just happened! It wasn't on purpose."

"She seduced me."

The ever popular ILYBINILWY ("I love you but I'm not in love with you.")

"The heart wants what the heart wants."

"She's my soulmate."

"We have nothing in common."

"I deserve happiness. This is my chance and I'm taking it."

"She's really great. You'd like her if you knew her."

Following this the cheawee will either pretend he wants to reconcile, making all kinds of promises and shedding crocodile tears, or he will coldly show that he has detached and either leave immediately or expect to be allowed to stay and continue his affair right under your nose.

If it is the former, he will expect you to book all the marriage counseling appointments, and if he will even go (odds are not good) he will sullenly stare at his feet during the sessions or go on the offensive and repeat his blame-shifting and excuses. The therapist may enable him in trying to get you to accept blame and you will end up being double teamed by two emotional abusers. He may pretend remorse, but it will feel hollow because it is. He is merely trying to keep his convenient lifestyle, which is the lifestyle you afforded him by taking care of his home and children while he gallivanted about and focused single-mindedly on his career.

If he leaves immediately, expect to be the one to have to file for divorce. He is not anxious to pay child support/spousal support and will try to keep you from getting legal assistance by claiming he will take care of you and you can work it out privately. This is a lie. He'll oppose you at every turn.
He may demand 50% of child custody while paying almost nothing in support, but he will seldom use his 50% for long. He does not really want to take care of the children, he just wants to win. Expect him to break his promises to the kids and to be chronically late to pick them up/drop them off. He will cancel at the very last minute, even if you have planned and paid for a trip for yourself while the kids are away. This is done simply to mess with you. He considers it a victory every time he fucks up your life.
Bizarrely, he will chastise you if you are less than pleased with this conduct, spouting; "Why are you so bitter?" and "Why can't we be friends?"

Sparklywhiteteeth · 19/09/2024 21:39

XChrome · 19/09/2024 20:59

Great advice. OW is going to take everything if OP doesn't stand up for her rights.

Show quote history

.
These are all huge leaps. And blaming the ow, that she’s going to take everything. The woman’s not even left her husband. Why don’t people help her now. Not project to something years away that may never happen.

Frenchcountryhomes · 19/09/2024 21:40

XChrome · 19/09/2024 21:35

For folks who were asking about The Script, I think there is a thread on it, but I'll give it a stab for a partial list of cheawee (cheating weinee) behaviors.

Cheawee blames his partner in the following ways;

"You weren't making me happy."

"You did/you are ...." (fill in the blanks with incredibly petty compliants, usually about supposed failures in housekeeping, cooking, sex and appearance, showing how sexist he is.

"You're controlling." is also popular, and is almost always a projection, as the cheater is the controlling one.

Cheawee makes other self-deluded excuses, such as;

"It just happened! It wasn't on purpose."

"She seduced me."

The ever popular ILYBINILWY ("I love you but I'm not in love with you.")

"The heart wants what the heart wants."

"She's my soulmate."

"We have nothing in common."

"I deserve happiness. This is my chance and I'm taking it."

"She's really great. You'd like her if you knew her."

Following this the cheawee will either pretend he wants to reconcile, making all kinds of promises and shedding crocodile tears, or he will coldly show that he has detached and either leave immediately or expect to be allowed to stay and continue his affair right under your nose.

If it is the former, he will expect you to book all the marriage counseling appointments, and if he will even go (odds are not good) he will sullenly stare at his feet during the sessions or go on the offensive and repeat his blame-shifting and excuses. The therapist may enable him in trying to get you to accept blame and you will end up being double teamed by two emotional abusers. He may pretend remorse, but it will feel hollow because it is. He is merely trying to keep his convenient lifestyle, which is the lifestyle you afforded him by taking care of his home and children while he gallivanted about and focused single-mindedly on his career.

If he leaves immediately, expect to be the one to have to file for divorce. He is not anxious to pay child support/spousal support and will try to keep you from getting legal assistance by claiming he will take care of you and you can work it out privately. This is a lie. He'll oppose you at every turn.
He may demand 50% of child custody while paying almost nothing in support, but he will seldom use his 50% for long. He does not really want to take care of the children, he just wants to win. Expect him to break his promises to the kids and to be chronically late to pick them up/drop them off. He will cancel at the very last minute, even if you have planned and paid for a trip for yourself while the kids are away. This is done simply to mess with you. He considers it a victory every time he fucks up your life.
Bizarrely, he will chastise you if you are less than pleased with this conduct, spouting; "Why are you so bitter?" and "Why can't we be friends?"

Brilliant!

AgileGreenSeal · 19/09/2024 21:43

You are experiencing grief. A bereavement.
Your life / your marriage as it was has ended abruptly That’s hit you hard, like a death. You are feeling incredible waves of pain and loss. It feels unbearable.

Imagine you were talking to a friend going through this. What would be your advice to her? Take that good advice and apply it to yourself now. Eat, rest (just lie down even if sleep is elusive) take time to just breathe, be kind to yourself. When you feel strong enough get legal advice.
Very best wishes to you xxx

InSearchOfMartin · 19/09/2024 21:43

@XChrome My ex told me I couldn't cook like his mum. My friend's husband told her that "I still love you but I'm not in love with you". He then swanned off leaving her to tell their 5 year old that Daddy had left the building.

BadgerHill · 19/09/2024 21:43

Sparklywhiteteeth · 19/09/2024 21:39

.
These are all huge leaps. And blaming the ow, that she’s going to take everything. The woman’s not even left her husband. Why don’t people help her now. Not project to something years away that may never happen.

Show quote history

If the OW is indeed having any type of affair with this man she won’t listen to any sort of help, warnings or advice from anyone. It’s honestly completely fruitless.

AgileGreenSeal · 19/09/2024 21:46

XChrome · 19/09/2024 21:35

For folks who were asking about The Script, I think there is a thread on it, but I'll give it a stab for a partial list of cheawee (cheating weinee) behaviors.

Cheawee blames his partner in the following ways;

"You weren't making me happy."

"You did/you are ...." (fill in the blanks with incredibly petty compliants, usually about supposed failures in housekeeping, cooking, sex and appearance, showing how sexist he is.

"You're controlling." is also popular, and is almost always a projection, as the cheater is the controlling one.

Cheawee makes other self-deluded excuses, such as;

"It just happened! It wasn't on purpose."

"She seduced me."

The ever popular ILYBINILWY ("I love you but I'm not in love with you.")

"The heart wants what the heart wants."

"She's my soulmate."

"We have nothing in common."

"I deserve happiness. This is my chance and I'm taking it."

"She's really great. You'd like her if you knew her."

Following this the cheawee will either pretend he wants to reconcile, making all kinds of promises and shedding crocodile tears, or he will coldly show that he has detached and either leave immediately or expect to be allowed to stay and continue his affair right under your nose.

If it is the former, he will expect you to book all the marriage counseling appointments, and if he will even go (odds are not good) he will sullenly stare at his feet during the sessions or go on the offensive and repeat his blame-shifting and excuses. The therapist may enable him in trying to get you to accept blame and you will end up being double teamed by two emotional abusers. He may pretend remorse, but it will feel hollow because it is. He is merely trying to keep his convenient lifestyle, which is the lifestyle you afforded him by taking care of his home and children while he gallivanted about and focused single-mindedly on his career.

If he leaves immediately, expect to be the one to have to file for divorce. He is not anxious to pay child support/spousal support and will try to keep you from getting legal assistance by claiming he will take care of you and you can work it out privately. This is a lie. He'll oppose you at every turn.
He may demand 50% of child custody while paying almost nothing in support, but he will seldom use his 50% for long. He does not really want to take care of the children, he just wants to win. Expect him to break his promises to the kids and to be chronically late to pick them up/drop them off. He will cancel at the very last minute, even if you have planned and paid for a trip for yourself while the kids are away. This is done simply to mess with you. He considers it a victory every time he fucks up your life.
Bizarrely, he will chastise you if you are less than pleased with this conduct, spouting; "Why are you so bitter?" and "Why can't we be friends?"

Every word is true.

InSearchOfMartin · 19/09/2024 21:53

BadgerHill · 19/09/2024 15:17

My situation is a bit different given I wasn't married and don't have children (probably won't get the chance now 😪) so I am lucky to have dodged a bullet in that sense compared to the situation many are in but 'the script' remains the same.......

Honestly some of the 'reasons' they come out with are totally non-sensical and occasionally hilarious.

I was told:

"We have absolutely nothing in common" - news to me and incorrect?

"You're cold and have no warmth" - He'd always told me he loved my sunny demeanor and chilled personality?

"This relationship is absolutely static and not going anywhere" - we were literally in the process of leaving our rented apartment to purchase a house and planning to get married and start a family the next year?

"You don't integrate with my family" - Horseshit. I absolutely loved his family. He didn't take me to his sisters 40th birthday meal with them all because she got divorced 5 years ago and it would make her 'sad' that she's single.

"You like loud pubs, I don't" - complete bollocks???

oh and...."You hold your knife and fork wrong" - Yep. Really!!

All this was topped off with "I need to find a mother and a wife"......... as if by magic a handful of months later, 18 year younger botox betty turns up and its apparently "Twu Luv" being plastered all over the instagram. She posts most of it for my benefit I'm sure. I'm now healed enough to find it hilarious a 45 year old man hangs out with a load of young adults in their mid 20's looking like the pervy old uncle.

Show quote history

Botox Betty 😆

Sparklywhiteteeth · 19/09/2024 22:02

BadgerHill · 19/09/2024 21:43

If the OW is indeed having any type of affair with this man she won’t listen to any sort of help, warnings or advice from anyone. It’s honestly completely fruitless.

Show quote history

Help the op. Not the ow.

BadgerHill · 19/09/2024 22:12

Sparklywhiteteeth · 19/09/2024 22:02

Help the op. Not the ow.

Show quote history

Apologies. Misunderstanding on what you wrote. I thought your post was saying the OW hasn’t left her husband yet and shouldn’t be blamed.

Dandelionsarefree · 19/09/2024 22:21

OP I do understand the no anger. You are in full grieving mode.

I felt exactly that with a long term boyfriend how ditched me for someone else in the worse possible way. Your description of how you feel right now really brought me back to that. I felt exactly the same way. And i couldnt even eat or sleep or function. I still had him in that high pedestal. And I still wanted him back. Badly. And kept comparing myself to the OW and kept analysis what did it go so wrong.

And you know what? He did try to come back nearly two years after that. And I remember how I looked at him feeling great as I didn't want him back. I went from a deep dark hole of despair to feel NOTHING for him. The absolute prick that he is still tries to contact me by email 20 years after that. And I cannot care less.

Just relief that he was gone.
You will find that moment OP. Wait and see. Trust yourself, the moment will come. You are intelligent, you are kind, you are loyal. Wonderful things will happen in the future. My life cannot be better now.
I will keep thinking of you, and i think many people here will too.
You will get through this xxx

PinkStingray · 19/09/2024 22:24

Persist with the Sertraline, it completely changed the life if my DD, who suffered from awful MH issues since her teens.
She hated taking medicines but at 31 after some horrendous time, finally decided to have a proper go. She is a complete different, happier person since. She wakes up very cheerful and now says that those previously unwanted meds are: " good s**t"!
I hope you start to feel better soon.