Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

“We have absolutely nothing in common"

Mine said that to me. Yes, nothing in common aside from cooking dinner together every night with a glass of wine, loving the same TV/movies, going to the theatre/ concerts/trying restaurants, going down the gym together all the time, learning to scuba dive/ sail together and going travelling on long trips to far flung places and friends and family telling us they wish they had a relationship like ours, one where we do loads of things together.

Yep, two opposing magnets.

OP. If he marries the new OW, she will inherit automatically when he dies first. Unless she lets him will his half to his own kids (which, let's face it, isn't going to happen).

You might feel that a good financial settlement is the last thing you're concerned with right now, but that's your kids' inheritance he wants to spend on his new family. Inheritance that you probably earned and facilitated more than he did.

So if you can find the energy, please think about getting a decent solicitor, the best in your area, before your husband engages one

There may be no side effects. I for one had none.

Please do not feel ashamed. The shame is all his.

I wish I could come to your house and sit with you. If you live near me I will 100% come.

I never thought I'd cope alone. My ex h had an affair and I found out about it eight years ago. I stayed. We split last year and are now divorced over something worse. I have absolutely bloody thrived! Turned out I am a million times stronger than I could ever have believed. I look better. I feel better. I cope better. I have some medical issues due to the shock but they will all resolve once I'm in my new home, many many miles from him.

Take some time off work. Accept all help and support but please please ban yourself from feeling shamed, embarrassed or any other negative feelings. Be your own best friend. You've got this and we've got you.

@fc123 my oldest friend has been through divorce but she was the one having an affair. Another friend judged me for staying when ex had his affair and has been judgy over other things too. I told her and she massively backtracked and rewrote history. I have a new friend I met through MN and we email a lot every day. Here can be a great place for support.

I feel my exes family must think I am over it, though they don't know why we've split, as none of them talk to me. None apart from two even contacted me to see if I was okay.

OP, give zero thought to his list of complaints. If he were a decent man and felt all that, he could have spoken up - he had 35 years to do so, after all. It's all make believe to cover up his feeligs of guilt.

You could have been Mother Theresa and Debbie Harry rolled into one and he'd still have cheated. The imperfection is all his, I'm afraid. It does take about 3-4 years but one day, you do wake up and realise this had nothing to do with you and what you look like / how you behaved. It's all on him, the egostistical, vain toad.

Also, re - the cupboards... given that you're both working, I presume he must have lost the use of his thumbs somewhere along the road? If not, he's a lazy mysoginist to boot.

Stay strong OP - you are doing amazing.
I was prescribed Sertraline after a horrible life event left me with PTSD. I recently had my dose doubled and I am finally feeling more myself. Please take the AD's and refer yourself to counselling via Health In Mind if available in your area. The fog will lift slowly but surely

My exh still owns 20% equity in my home. It was the only way I could get a fair split after 30 years and two kids. I asked him to gift that to our kids in his will as I didn't want the new man in his life to inherit it. I have no idea if he has done so.

Is there no way you can buy him out?

My ex husband was good enough to at least allow me to buy out his 25% at the rate it would have been when he left.

I was {am } supremely grateful that he allowed this.
But assuming he's not pressuring you to sell up once 'kids' leave full time education? {Kids in brackets as they aren't little any more by then}

As a friend of mine wryly said after she had time to process the devastation her absolute shit of a husband rained upon her and their family by following the script.
It wasn't so much the leaving but the manner of the leaving that so unbecame him.

You're in shock, you will get through this and if you are a bit broken now that's normal but never lose sight of who broke you.
Sending you all the strength - even if its just to get in the shower and wash your hair.

I can't afford to. My kids are adults and we'd already downsized a few years before he buggered off (excuse the pun but he left to pursue a gay life). My only option would be equity release which I'd rather not use because of the astronomic costs.

Yeah it takes a pretty un-self aware person to be completely unable to recognise that he just might be blaming someone else to justify his own wandering dick.

he can’t be all that

That's very true. How they turn into a stranger overnight, all I wanted was a decent conversation and to communicate effectively and with mutual compassion so we could navigate the next stages, he couldn't even look at me, let alone be supportive or useful in anyway, guilt I guess.

Thank you @CinnamonJellyBeans - that is a chilling prompt. I have had dealings with Trusts and Will issues during my career and seem some of the awful behaviours that play out after deaths, particularly when there are family complexities. I do have a friend who is a family law specialist but I think it would be worth my speaking to our own solicitor whose colleague is a Wills & Trusts SME.

Quick update, again sincere thanks to you all for your amazing support and empathy. I haven't yet made it out of the house as I'm still in retreat and hide mode but necessity is forcing the issue and I'm about to pull myself together enough to drive to Tesco as although I'm not hungry, the cat has now finished her last pack of Sheba and she doesn't deserve to be on the Divorce Diet. Appearance wise I'm a disaster zone so I'll just have to hope that I get in and out of there quickly.

For those who have asked about close friends, I have reached out but few live where we do as many have relocated due to work, retirement etc so aren't on the doorstep. I do have one very lovely friend who I have been in touch with and sobbed down the phone to. She was genuinely shocked as she has known us years and is a sufficiently blunt and candid friend that she would definitely have said if she had ever had any doubts about my H. I have no doubt I am going to have to seek counselling as I do think I have infidelity PTSD which is something the GP also mentioned. I know my H is in touch with the DC as apparently he has commented on something my eldest DD posted on Instagram about her hobby. He really has moved on so fast. It is like he has just slammed a huge door on our life together and left without a backwards glance.

I don't know what I will do if I bump into the OW. In fact I don't want to think about my potential reaction 😡

Well firstly, the crashed through a hedge backwards look is in i believe... And secondly don't worry about OW. If she was to see you I suspect she would run a mile. You are the one who can hold her head high. Go out there be you and live your life. You shouldn't cower away that's their job. R.e. the friends that's a real shame there are few close geographically. But still call and message and reach out. Stay strong and be proud of yourself. You are surviving and that is something to be proud of. Soon you will be thriving x

Forget the future just for now. Maybe think about a treat at Tesco. Buy it then eat it.

As a side note (and OP) for anyone going through this and struggling to find their anger I found the Runaway Husbamds group on Facebook really helped with this.

I spent ages looking into MLC stuff originally and joined a couple of groups that were focussed on ‘standing’ for the relationship etc. I think they have kept me hooked on ‘hope’ far longer than was healthy.

I still have no anger @BadgerHill , none, only despair, disbelief and desperation. And probably denial so I think I'm in that stage of the Grief Cycle. Perhaps it will come to me but there isn't any yet. I did look at Vikki Stark's website and I've watched some of her stuff on YouTube, but I'm not a great user of FB, just for local community stuff but I will look at that group.

op. BLOCK HIM.
seriously -you do yourself a massive diservice in wasting a second of your time wishing a man (who is fuck all the one you thought he was)is going to call.
WTF can he possibly say?
as it goes it will be along lines of you being dramatic,head in sand,no relationship for yrs youre delusional,pushed him into the whole thing cos hes brilliant and is on time ltd silver fox rights.
FUCK THAT.
he is not sitting crying +howling into the dark night wondering how can this be.
cos hes a cnut. KNows full well what hes done all way to INTENT is key..what hes doing next.
fuck him.
Feel all you feel, but please prevent snake mc lowlifescumbag from being able to paint even a hint of his shade into your picture.Cancel his "in"
he doesnt really give shite how you feel. you needy take that fucker of a blow.
and get back.
NO you do not deserve it,yes its utterly crushing. Competing should NEVER be on the cards. fuck him.
and her. shrug the pair of em off cos neither matter.YOU DO.
wash your face.cry til your dry, please dont spiral -yell at anytime it gets too dark.
this time,will pass. xxxxxx

You might not for a long long time - and that’s okay too! You can’t just erase feelings and a bond for someone at the click of a finger even if they have behaved like a complete mega shit. It is such early days for you.

Yes, on paper it seems the logical response would be that of anger, you would tell any of your friends going through it the same thing but feelings and attachment don’t work that way unfortunately.

It took me close to 6 months to even feel glimmers of anger and that used to make me feel like I was a weak person because I couldn’t get there. In reality, I look at it now that my inability to get really angry was just a testament to my overall nature of someone who loves peace, harmony and loyalty. That’s something to be celebrated even if it does hold you back a bit.

That said, I wasn’t financially entwined with my partner so I think the advice from
others about looking into that side of things to protect yourself is wise.

Take care and keep posting/venting here (as long as it’s safe to do so) as there are lots of people who understand and are supporting you through this

"I have no doubt I am going to have to seek counselling as I do think I have infidelity PTSD which is something the GP also mentioned. I know my H is in touch with the DC as apparently he has commented on something my eldest DD posted on Instagram about her hobby. He really has moved on so fast. It is like he has just slammed a huge door on our life together and left without a backwards glance."

@Pleasenotme he appears to be moving fast but he's been living a parallel life for however long the affair has been going on for and, for him, it's not a sudden decision.
I posted the para from 'Cheating in a nutshell' about how a lie takes away your choices (had you known the truth) and reality. And this contributes to the PTSD that your GP acknowledges.
It's why you feel numb and 'blown apart'.

I didn't find my anger for about 10 months ( coinciding with my trying a bit of OLD) and it scared me. I did feel I had to hide it too.

Please be gentle with yourself.
Please read chump lady book if you feel able just to get a synopsis of the pattern of behaviours they do ( they rarely vary!) . It's big print, co code and easy to read and helps unravel the 'skein' as she called it. It will place you ahead of the games he may try to play.

My exh OW was fierce once I knew and my ex also said things not in his own 'language' so I knew he had poison in his ear. But what could I do? He's that much of a weak man that he's parroting things that have been fed to him by someone who is playing the pick me dance?

It's very hard for the kids and please try to stay neutral on that as they have divided loyalties. They see your pain and grief but they also love their Dad.

I still can't accept that divide in our family but I try to be neutral about it. Hard I know.

Tomorrow try and go out and just walk for an hour. Solo if nobody around. It helps

@Pleasenotme sometimes in the early stages you just don't want to go out and that's ok. I could barely get off the sofa or out of bed for ages. I felt safe in my home. I eventually started to go out but was in shock and many a time fled home in tears. I was convinced he was stalking me 🤷‍♀️ . I actually carried a knife in my bag when I went out. 🤷‍♀️ don't ask me why . I don't know. Do not underestimate the toll this takes on your body.

Funny how people are picking up on the ExHs saying things in language they hadn't previously used. I'd never noticed that before but looking back it was so true for my ExH.