Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Be easy on yourself op. You don’t have to figure everything out and be fine in a day or a week, you’re still in shock.

He'll be back with his tail between his legs when she kicks him out or he realises what he left behind.

Thing is, you won't want the lying bastard back.

You're in shock. Your world has just been upended and emotionally, you're in free fall. Don't think too hard about this. There is an OW but he'll deny it in spades. Do what you have to do and tell yourself that this is just night falling: the sun will rise again on the morning.

Life will be better, but the night ahead is going to be choppy. You'll get through it. Don't worry.

💐💐💐💐

Please try and eat and watch the drinking. I'm 14 months since we split and about six weeks since we divorced. I'm not much of a drinker but had noticed at times I was having wine as he had upset me. My eating has been awful, nearly the whole time just one meal a day and it made me ill and showed up on blood tests. This past week I'm back to doing 24 hours at a time with no food as he has upset me again this weekend. Food prep feels too much, putting the oven on felt far too hard. I've been having a lot of sandwiches and salads and nowhere near enough food. I've lost weight but I've stopped drinking.

I took control with the divorce and filed first as my solicitor told me I would control things more if I did. That is something to think about. I had paid about 11k but I've gained more than that so there is a lot to think about. He didn't want to rush to divorce or use a solicitor but I didn't trust him and was 100% right not to.

Definitely do not resign, work from home for a bit and I hope your GP appointment goes well.

I'm afraid that my inner warrior is missing at the moment. I don't see it as 'enabling a lie'. The only liars in all this are my husband and OW. It will all come out soon enough, and my heart aches for her DH, but I am utterly broken and absolutely not in a fit state to engage with him. I will do so in the future, but at this precise moment, I'm in bits and have no dignity whatsoever, so there is no way I am going to humiliate myself even more than I already have in front of my husband by telling a virtual stranger that my H is fucking his 'D'W and losing the tiny vestiges of self-control I still have.

It's not for you to tell the OW DH if you don't want to @Pleasenotme .

My now ex H OW H tracked me down and wrote to tell me they were having an affair. My h came home before the postman so he told me and I decided not to read the letter. Now I wish I had but it's gone now.

Personally I advise breathing exercises and magnesium citrate. The side effects arent worth the limited effects and coming off them is awful.
I appreciate it sounds like very weak tea when we have been brought up to turn to drugs, but changing your breathing sends immediate messages to the brain.

Hunched up shoulders and forced deep in breaths create Flight or fight freeze resonse.
Conciously dropping your shoulders and lengthening and slowing your exhalation takes you out of that mode.
Again I appreciate in your current state of mind these are small beer, but at some point do consider trying it, it takes seconds.
It wont change the horrible circumstances, but it will help you cope.

Much love to you
www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/breathing-exercises-for-anxiety#deep-breathing

Ignore that person op, many people project their own bitterness on these threads.

I've just realised that I didn't respond to the main question of this thread.

Around 18mths after ExH left for the OW, my eldest DD mentioned (I swear I wasn't fishing) that the OW screamed at him to get out of 'her' house during a heated argument - she found it quite distressing and I was cross with them both allowing her to witness that.

A couple of days later, he phoned me for some relationship advice. I mean who phones the ExW for advice when the relationship with the affair partner is hitting the skids? Obviously, I politely declined. 😂

During the course of the conversation, he mentioned that eldest DD asked him whether this incident with the OW meant that we would get back together again. His tone changed to a very sombre one when he said "I had to tell her that sadly that ship has probably sailed."

By that time I'd met my absolutely amazing DP and had no intention of letting that dickhead back in my life.

So, I let the pause hang for a bit and then cheerily said "Of course it has."

Glad you have a sympathetic GP, life can be a bitch and your husband is a fool. Lots of us have been in your situation, and we have all come out the other side stronger than we believed possible. You may feel that you are broken, but from your posts I think you are beginning to channel your inner warrior, even if you aren't yet aware of it. You will get through to the other side x

I second the breathing advice given by @RaspberryParade , I found meditation helped me a lot when I had intolerable stress in my life.

Thank you @ThorndonCream , you actually made me laugh out loud which was cathartic. I think in comparison to them we are relatively well off but we have gone past the hard financial years of nursery, after school clubs, uni support etc and so are better placed than them in that respect. I don't want to labour the point as it will sound as if I am indeed seeing him through rose-tinted glasses, but he is both an extremely attractive and very interesting man. I can see why many women would be drawn to him.

I have not read this all so may be out of turn...but please think if the ADs are the right thing to take in these circumstances especially if the side effects are horrid (I have had no exposure so don't know). The feelings you are having are real and justified and maybe just have to be worked through however hard. Just my thoughts....

Wish you huge strength.

Insight timer has guided meditations, many of them free.

and he may be attractive and interesting but he's an ARSE!!!!!!! What would you say to a friend if she were describing this situation to you...I don't think you would say "oh well he is attractive and interesting"! You would be saying what a low life!

So long as op is certain it is her I agree. But if she is wrong, she will only create a lot more stress for herself.

If it isn’t who she suspects, that DH doesn’t need to know anything.

Big hugs OP. Been there.

There is NOTHING to be gained by telling OW's DH. That's not your battle and you have enough to deal with without creating additional hassle for yourself. Someone I know did this and if made her feel better for approximately 5 minutes but she soon regretted it when it blew up big time on social media.

As someone else said, keep your dignity.

@Pleasenotme .
whilst i am in no way doubt gp "advice"...its very early days to be consider anti-depressant. setraline takes a month or so to take effect at all. tryna disguise how outrageous i actually find this.(been hooked ssris for 30yrs wouldnt wish on anyone)
I think you know you havae lots of support on here-and the sorta faceless anonimity of it ma\y make it easier to sy EXACTLY where your heads at. No shortage of posters who empathsise and recognise and able to provide round the clock shoulders to cry on.
Please,tho i fully understand your spiral thot process,just rule suicide out.change the narrative. Not omg! i dont want to go on/life is over.
is very early days to suggest positivity-but m shite t mop up tears and sitting on fences...so OMG,well i never saw that coming...is s far as the downside goes.my olde aunty tolde me "its a gypsys wish hen.(?)she was 91 so dont anyone even start me bout not being pc,cos she was way worse than that.."hurts like fuck but look at ALL you RE left with,count your blessings,put your lipstick on, You dont have to live wi his guilt. find your own way, arseholes done you a favour.fuck him
she was right.
Might not be what you thot,whatchu wanted...so rethink, change whatchu want.
kick your own arse and get back on yer horse...you aint lost a damn thing,you are all you are. xxxxxxxxx

OP I was prescribed Sertraline and had no bad side-effects - just the usual dry mouth etc. Nothing I couldn't cope with. And they helped me a lot.
So give them a go. They take a few weeks to kick in. Don't expect miracles at the start.

@Pleasenotme
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You will be OK, but it takes time.

Yes, I know someone, and like you they had been married for 35 years.

He utterly destroyed her emotionally and financially, and then he came grovelling back after 3 years, because he finally realised what he had lost.

She had only ever known him and totally adored and idolized him, but it was too little too late because she finally saw the man for what he really was.

She's really happy now and doing really well, and he has ended up a complete wreck.

Another voice to add to the beware of ADs. My friend went on them when her husband picked A level exams year to bugger off ‘to find himself’. She was devastated and never got a chance to work through her grief and twenty years later is unable to wean herself off them.
I would say you have a grieving process to go through. Treat yourself kindly and don’t rush to make any big dicisions. See a therapist when you feel able, you might not need to medicalise your situation. Maybe just some over the counter stuff to help you sleep might be enough to get you over the hump. Your gp does sound awesome though.

@Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson My ex decided to bugger off to find himself. My friend saw him about a year later and said that it looked as if he had found a fat bastard.

@InSearchOfMartin 😂

@Pleasenotme I started on sertraline after my partner of 12 years left me with our newborn and got with someone else a few weeks later. It was the most horrendous time of my life. The sertraline helped me get through the worst of the following months and I didnt experience a single side effect. Of course everyone is different but that was my experience.

The pain you're experiencing right now is horrendous. And I know you probably won't believe me but you will be absolutely fine. Yes, the next few months will be awful, it took me over a year to get back to a good level. But you will get there and he will regret leaving you and your life together.

The reason I would advise @Pleasenotme to not tell the husband of the OW is that he will possibly want to ''Shoot the messenger''.

I do know someone who DID tell the spouse of an affair, and it didn't go well.

OP can keep her dignity, the husband will find out soon enough, and the husband could well be an ally.

Seems to be a thing where people ''hate the messenger.''

OP does not need this.

My ex-husband left me for another man...............and rewrote history about our marriage.
They all do it.
You'd think they'd all obtained exactly the same Guide on Leaving Your Faithful Wife and followed it to the letter.