Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Hello, OP. I started reading yesterday but this is my first chance to post.

Not only am I sending you a hug, I'm sending you a virtual box of them, so you can have a hug whenever you need.

The end of a marriage is a horrible shock, especially if you don't know it's coming.

He has given me virtually a books-worth of all the things that are wrong with me and our marriage
To quote your daughter, 'the prick'. He's rewriting history to justify his behaviour.

Advice from someone who has been through it...

Cut the OW out of your mind. Not your responsibility. We don't care about her, who she is, what she looks like, what her children are like. We know she opened her legs for him and that was enough. We don't have to think of her any further.

Get angry. What he's done to you is outrageous and his behaviour is cruel. You don't deserve this. You are worth more. He's out of your life now.

'Coming back' is something so many faithless husbands try, usually for financial reasons, though they won't put it like that to their wives. Some come home to get their housework done. Don't fall for it.

Now you have cried and begged, stop. Ice cold. Grey rock him. Get your legal and financial stuff in order, sell the lovely home. Start planning your life without him. It will be fantastic. He will be jealous as hell but you won't care. Forward!

This is not your fault, so don't blame yourself one bit. No matter what he says. Don't listen and don't care. You did your best. He is unfaithful. The fault lies with him.

Cry when you need to and give yourself a minimum of two years to recover.

Best wishes.

@Pleasenotme where is he at the moment? I'm assuming the OW hasn't kicked her husband out, so he's not at her house.

I think I spotted a little flash of anger from you, BTW - when you said you liked the idea of making him pay for the divorce.

Do get yourself some really good legal advice though. He won't pay for that, so you must, and it's essential that you don't stint on it.

OP start seeing your husband for what he is: a selfish liar. The good news is that life with OW and two under-fives who’ve not only already got behavioural issues but are now going to have their world imploded by his and OW’s selfishness is not going to be pleasant. Self preservation mode - give him nothing.

Thank you @wineoclock123 - I'm hesitating about telling the OW's husband as it will make it all real, and to be frank, I don't think I can bear to inflict the pain on him. I know that's daft as he will inevitably face it but I don't want him to endure this horror. And I now realise that I'm giving OW a window into my soul, not that she would recognise a soul if it smacked her round the face.

Sorry, OP - I see that he's gone to his sister's place.

Do you get on with her? Will she be giving him a hard time for what he's done to you?

I think you should tell the OW's husband. He deserves to know.

He's at his sister's. No, OW is still with her DH - I believe.

Of all the people to choose as a babysitter, she chose your daughter. I would be absolutely livid at that - she was engineering a route in to a good relationship with your daughter knowing the damage she was doing to your daughter's family. Unforgiveable.

Sorry, posted before I saw you second message - nope, don't get on with her particularly. I have no issue with her but we are very different people and have no common points of reference apart from my DH. She is quite a cold person and not someone I would ever want to confide in. He will have painted me very black to her, I'm sure.

I think you should NOT take this advice. Right now you need to focus on you and your pain and challenges ahead. Everything is too raw. Don't draw in more drama to your life on the advice of keyboard warriors. If in time when you are settled and calmer and feel like you are making good progress for yourself you might reconsider.
However, please keep in mind:
He may already know and accept this. Rubbing his face in it may hurt him more. He is a victim like you too.
He may be an abusive partner, she may have seen you DH as a way out. Telling him may put her in harms way, and as much as you may hate her rn that is something you would have to carry.
They're lives are theirs to negotiate. You have enough worries of your own. I really wish you all the best with this. I have seen first hand the pain it can cause and the hurt but have also seen how things can and will get better.

Really dont recommend remembering the good times at present. Think instead about all the times he did something you hated. You can remember the good later when the initial pain has passed and you can look at him and see him as he really is, warts and all.

Standford university recently suggested humans age in bursts, with one of them just after 60. So in a few years he may find he cant cope and wants to come back. But he's treated you very badly and you will never have the man you loved again, he no longer exists. Maybe you could still love the man he is now, despite the flaws, but once you make a new life for yourself those rose tinted glasses may fall off and you may not want him back.

Stop listening to him. You have a good career, you have children who love you, a supportive boss. He is a cheating liar trying to make himself feel less bad about his shitty behaviour. Write that list of faults and start with he's a cheating liar.

Please STOP calling him your DH. Unless the D stands for dickhead. Nothing dear or darling (or whatever it stands for) about his behaviour. That's the first step to recovery!

You are not inflicting pain on OW's husband. His wife is doing that.

He's blissfully unaware of the reality of his marriage. He can't make serious decisions about his life and marriage, because he doesn't know what's going on.

He needs to know. .

@Pleasenotme I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you. If you suspect the OW may be on MN and possibly reading this please be careful about sharing your plans on here going forward regarding legal matters and how you're going to play things.
This information will be shared with your H by the OW and he will be forewarned.

Dear OP, just a couple of (semi-lighthearted) suggestions.

1. Play Gloria Gaynor's 'I will survive' on repeat the minute you feel strong enough.
2. Country and western music combined with a road trip is really cathartic. You can sob your heart out while discovering new places that will give you a new perspective on it all.

Good luck. You WILL survive! X

You are in such early stages of this OP. Things will....evolve and you will feel different. Not better yet but different and more able to cope.

I get that they want to go off with another woman, I get that but why do they have to say such hurtful things in the process? This to a person they loved enough to make vows to. My ex was the same. He said things that I can never unhear and it was 24 years ago. He's dead now but ironically, he came back after three months (because he realised the OW was a horrible person). Because of the things he said and the way he said them and all at her request basically, even if I had wanted him back, I would not have allowed myself to slide that low. He returned to her and tried to make it work but was gone inside a few short months. He lost me and she lost her DH who has since remarried and had another DC.

My hair started to go white during all of this but looking back, she did me a massive favour.

Music definitely! Miley Cyrus - Flowers. Full blast as you drive past wherever he is living!

@Pleasenotme Re telling the husband of OW
I wouldn’t.

Keep your dignity.

He will find out soon enough about his scummy mummy faithless wife.

Their kids will be even worse behaved due to the family split.

Well if OW is on here and she hasn't left her husband yet... tick tock you worthless little turd, hope you shit yourself worrying if anyone has told him first!

Flowers is a good one too. We must do you a playlist, OP!

Music is cathartic, and it reminds you you're not alone in your pain (as does Mumsnet).

Oh god, I'd actually never thought of that. Not for one moment. Hasn't done her much good though, as youngest DD doesn't like her, although not as vehement as other DD, and found particularly her eldest DC very challenging indeed as he is a screamer, kicker and biter (he's not ND). And now something further has occurred to me. Youngest DD is a nurse but had been thinking about changing careers. OW works in an interesting field and repeatedly offered DD work experience there, which DD declined as it just wasn't her thing. Perhaps I should be Christian about this and accept the offer at face value but now I'm reviewing all of our family interactions with her over the past 12 months and it is dawning on me that she did cultivate opportunities, although not with me after the initial getting to know you stuff. I'm cringing as I sent DH to her house to give her a lift once when her car had broken down and she had to get her DC to nursery and she sent out a request on FB. I thought I was being kind: clearly no good deed goes unpunished.

You are right. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I'm not thinking more laterally like this. Thank you.

Thank you

I would tell the OW’s husband op. Force them out into the open and see what happens when she has to make a decision. I think her dh deserves the choice to decide what HIS next move will be, Instead of her just having her cake. It’s all hearts and flowers between them now, a fantasy - the likelihood is when your dh realises what he’s taking on - a young family - he’ll have second thoughts (not that I think you should be waiting in the wings)

You need to get tough, stop contacting him and put on your game face. He’s not your friend any more - he needs to be treated like the enemy who will be ruthless and get what he can and rewrite history. Don’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth.

I had an affair - biggest regret of my life. All the OM did was lie, to me and to his wife. If he decides he wants to come back to you he’ll paint her as a scarlet woman, blame it all on her and act like she fell onto his dick. Just bear that in mind if he does try to come back. He should at the very least be honest with you about why he has left, instead he’s being extremely cruel in trying to put the blame on you and omit the fact he is actually leaving you for someone else - it’s detestable.

The OM in my situation absolutely shat himself when his wife found out. I don’t think he thought it would ever come out in the open but he told so many lies he became sloppy and it was obvious something was amiss. Long story short I think she stayed with him and I honestly pity her as she has no idea who he truly is and the things he was saying about her. I believe he was hugely resentful of her but she was too useful for him to actually leave (she earns much more than him). She’s attractive, successful and seemingly a nice person and she deserves so much better. You come across really lovely and caring and you don’t deserve this treatment.

My guess is that your dh isn’t the person you thought he was and has always lied to get what he wants - he’s just been good at hiding that side of himself. He’ll be rewriting history now and trying to defame your character to everyone - remember that if he tries to come back. He’s not a good person.

Thank you, @UseOfWeapons , I'm so sorry for the pain you too had to endure.