Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

You are not the fool OP, he is and by a country mile.
I'm glad that your DC are thinking the same 😊

And when erectile dysfunction sets in and Viagra doesn't work and he'll have a case of Mr . Floppy and it killing him.. softly.

@Pleasenotme ps don’t make any decisions on work etc. Take sick leave, work from home. Get out for some walks as that can help discharge some of the adrenaline from being in fight or flight but you must eat otherwise you will become exhausted. Even just bananas and smoothies, have that. Just treat yourself very kindly because at the minute you are wounded with shock and you need to recuperate. I know your brother was with you and you said he was stoic but maybe try and have time with people that are less stoic too, sometimes you need to curse them
and laugh and all that. X

Oh yes and one more thing, tell him you don't want a divorce and he can pay for the whole thing if he wants one. I made my ex do that. he spent thousands. He didn't end up any better off 😂

I'm sorry you are in this position but remember:

You are far more than his wife.
You have the love & respect of your children.
You have a strong sibling relationship.
You have an accomplished career and are well regarded & supported in your workplace.

There's more to you than him. He's a total cliché. You don't need him. Focus on all that you have.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned it but get this book:
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

Oh and OW is a fan of MN is she.

OW you’re an entitled self indulgent idiot and I wish you many happy nights of erectile dysfunction induced celibacy in the future due to your poor choice in picking men that were already taken. Best wishes.

Exactly this!!

I’m so sorry op. This has happened to me too (25 years married), I know how much it hurts, and the sheer shock of it when it first hits. I was blindsided too and some of his comments about me and our marriage still hurt now (despite knowing he was talking crap). The man you loved is gone and this is the new him. The old one has checked out, moved on and what you two had is over. Give yourself time to absorb the shock, then find your anger op. How dare he treat you like this? How TF dare he! Use your support networks (my girl friends were invaluable), and take it a day at a time. You will get through this.

Yes: I saw a change too.

I see a strong, intelligent but also emotionally intelligent woman who is already cranking the necessary gears of action while nonetheless allowing herself total honesty about her pain.

This is not the post I expected to be typing in response to your sad thread title or despairing username, and probably not the response you expected to get, but I actually find you really inspiring OP. You are so far from the description of yourself as pathetic; you write as someone so sharp-witted yet also so feeling and in touch with her humanity, still connecting dots and taking the time to thank and appreciate others even at your lowest.

ETA … which only convinces me further of the short-sighted knobness of your DH.

My father walked away from a 25 year marriage to live with his secretary, who was young enough to be his daughter. He bought a sports car and started dressing like a teenager. Such a sad, embarrassing cliche.

My Mum was distraught for months, basically non functioning. As a young teen I was too young to deal with her. I suffered with nightmares and anxiety.

9 months later my Dad actually did come back when his girlfriend announced she wanted to try for a baby (he wasn't having any of that) and my Mum welcomed him home with open arms.

But their marriage never recovered and they were both often miserable. They argued a lot. My Mum came to bitterly regret taking him back and was considering leaving him when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She nursed him diligently and he died at home in her arms. But she couldn't truly mourn him and felt no sadness that he had passed.

So be careful what you wish for OP.

You will get through this because life will just keep on taking you along with it. And even the greatest misery fades.

PP's are right, he isn't your DH whom you love anymore, he's turned into a stranger.

In fact, he's turned into a stranger who is a nasty twat. How DARE he treat you so badly? Keep repeating that to yourself every time you think of him.

Oh Arraminta, that's such a sad story and I feel for you, suffering as you did as a teen, and your poor, poor mother. Your final sentence is very powerful.Thank you 🙏

This might not be a popular opinion, but ......

I believe that we never really know anyone. Some people don't even know themselves, but that's for another thread!

Therefore , OP , in my opinion, your husband is now showing you a part of him that you've not seen before. But it's always been there. It's simply not had any need to expose itself before now

Your anguish and pain are so sad to read. We're all sad that you're sad

But, something to think about is that you now have been shown a part of your husband which you didn't know about

And now you know it's there, you can never un-know that it's there. And that's crucial, imo, to the decisions you make going forward

Sending you so much love ❤️

And she's a rubbish mother to boot.

That is incredibly generous of you @Calliopespa , and not what I expected to read from a poster, either, particularly as if you saw me you would have before you someone who seems to have lost the way to the shower; actually screamed out loud when I saw that the waste from the kitchen sink was leaking all over the floor this morning and all I could bloody think was, oh god, I simply can't face having to get the bloody plumber here on top of everything; and one who could easily be mistaken for a rough sleeper. I've just had a call from a young work colleague about a seemingly intractable problem he needed advice about - I hadn't got my OOO message on which was an error - but I owed it to him to assist. I think he was completely taken aback by how blunt I was and I had to get a grip as I realised that I was using the issue as a vehicle to express my hurt and misery, although I remained professional, thank god. I can't bear how this is colouring everything I do. Life is scentless, tasteless, just grey porridge really. But thank you, I am deeply touched by your words .

None of us can face getting a plumber at the best of times oP!

I think you are doing brilliantly - and I really meant what I wrote.

@Pleasenotme You write so eloquently, and your pain is palpable.
I do think that thoughts of suicide are common ( my divorce solicitor said so) but luckily most women somehow cling on to the raft in a storm of emotions and survive.

It’s a shock, though.
Dad had a word for men like your husband.

” Cunt struck”

But badly behaved toddlers can soon cool men’s ardour.

The other woman is a shit to lure him away- I knew a woman who was “ Mistress material “

She was only attracted to married men and admitted she found it a thrill.

( She too had broken marriages behind her)

The other woman is a fool-
When a man goes off with the OW a vacancy is created.

Now I LIKE that idea. Hadn't thought of it. I am (I hope!) a fair-minded person so it never occurred to me that this was a thing, I simply assumed I would have to pay my side of things.

It's hard to imagine now, but you will get through this, and one day will actually be pleased it happened.

I found out that my 1st H (of 20 years) was cheating on me, and was devastated. Turned out he'd had quite a few OW, and had slept with 2 of my friends. We limped on for a bit, and in the end I left him. I went on to meet a wonderful man, we married, and we have been together for 16 years now. I'm genuinely happy that my first marriage ended, or I would never have met my now DH.

You have been with him for so long, that you can't see the wood for the trees. The fog will clear, and a better life awaits you, I promise.

FWIW, all the men that I know who had affairs, DID come crawling back. Some wives took them back, others said Fuck Off. Two couples made it work and were then together forever, so it's not impossible, if it's what you both want.

I can't see him lasting long with 2 kids under 5, that's going to be one big adjustment. He will also age fairly rapidly as his 60's get underway. No one looks young past 65, no one, not even film stars that have millions in the bank and can buy the best treatments known to man.

I wish you all the best, I really do. If you know for sure, then I would 100% tell OW husband.

If he wants a divorce, he can pay for it.

I do have another way to look at a divorce. It's throwing the rubbish in the bin (separation) and waiting for the collection to get it out of your house (divorce).

DH's Dad left for 2 years, and then came back. They made it work, and were quite happy until she sadly died.

1. @stormagain I try to imagine he's died. I remember the good times and remember I had the best of him. But he's gone. At the time, he would highlight he misery and my shortcomings, but I refuse to believe the great times were not real. I remember the holidays and cuddles and all the care and help he provided for our babies when they were little. I don't pine for him in my future anymore. I've had the best of him and I can build a new life after him also. The best thing here is to make and start to carry out plans that don't involve him. Anything from a new piece of furniture, book a solo holiday, or even something small like a cinema trip. Gain experiences without him.

Oh god, now I'm in absolute bits, @stormagain just thinking of him with our babies - bloody hell this is raw.

It gets less raw I promise it does
I just thought of my ex with our babies when they were born.
I just thought "twat" now. 3 years ago I'd have been in bits.

Yes I agree with this and with @TheaBrandt that, while it doesn’t exonerate the man, these women are an unpalatable mystery to decent women everywhere.