Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

You have not been a fool OP. Your husband has been the only fool - and a total shit to you to boot.

I get a sense that you are starting to put armour on to face this unexpected change in your life, well done and I wish you the very best.

You have not been a fool, of any kind. You have been a normal loving spouse, and you have been betrayed by someone who should have absolutely had your best interests at heart. He is the fool. Not you.

The thing is, if he does move back in now, he has you on the ropes. You will always be afraid of him leaving again, always afraid you’re too old, too plain, too boring, too fat

you will be playing the ‘pick me dance’ for the next 20 years - or until he goes off again

you need to use this time to strengthen your resolve, un-skew your perspective, armour yourself.

so whatever you do, make sure it is for you. If you opt for a ‘glow-up’, it is for you, not to appease him. If you let him back in, it is on your terms, and for a trial period.

make sure you have a social life without him - friends, hobbies, pastimes. Don’t let him piggy-back on any/all of those things or you’ll have no refuge if it all falls apart again.

he may insist on moving back in shortly whether you want him to or not - and legally he can. But this will be the final proof of his contempt for you if you do not want it.

I can hear the pain in your words. I can't offer any more good advice than you already such as reaching out to friends and family and getting legal advice. I've been as a grown woman in the fetal position crying on the cold kitchen floor having experienced the same. this is what I'd recommend:

1. feel the pain, but know it won't be forever. the good news is that time WILL make it better.
2. if you get any brighter moments try to make the most of them. Enjoy them and try to extend them. I have a playlist ready and some headphones, have a little dance. I'd recommend- carole king locomotion, sean paul shake that thing and pink just give me a reason. I don't mean to trivialise your pain, this really helps me. Even after a long time I still do this.
3. I try to imagine he's died. I remember the good times and remember I had the best of him. But he's gone. At the time, he would highlight he misery and my shortcomings, but I refuse to believe the great times were not real. I remember the holidays and cuddles and all the care and help he provided for our babies when they were little. I don't pine for him in my future anymore. I've had the best of him and I can build a new life after him also. The best thing here is to make and start to carry out plans that don't involve him. Anything from a new piece of furniture, book a solo holiday, or even something small like a cinema trip. Gain experiences without him.

You haven't been a fool. Not at all.

Please don't believe all the hurtful things he's said about you and your marriage. He's trying to justify his perfidious behaviour.

No! He is making it up, he has rewritten everything about your past together so he can lie to himself that he is a good guy who has been unhappy and deserves to be happy.
I saw it happen to a friend of mine. Her husband talked himself into despising her - she had worked out of the home, looked after the house, done everything for the kids and allowed him to be "fun dad".. his life was perfect.
But he met someone else at work and suddenly all those happy years together were erased in his mind. I saw my friend and him together throughout those years and I know he was happy.
He's just a pathetic liar who can't own a decision he made with his dick.

All the best to you OP. Never doubt your memories as they are real it's just that your nobhead husband has changed.

How dare he say that he regrets marrying you. That's so cruel and unnecessary.

OP, give yourself time. You need it. You are in the grip of a traumatic emotional shock alongside beginning to grief. Your H checked out of your marriage long ago, you, on the contrary, are feeling the effect of the bomb he detonated in your life, home and family.

As difficult as it may be, don't beg, don't call, don't text him. It'll reinforce his sense of being in full control and the rewriting he's done with your marriage. Too many men like your husband NEED the mental gymnastics to justify the selfishness of what they've done to have a "clear" conscience.

Besides asking for ADs when you go to your GP, ask for a referral to a female therapist specialising in marriage issues. A couple of friends, dealing with similar arseholes as you do, found a few therapy sessions an essential tool to move from shock to anger in record times.

Your marriage is dead. Your H doesn't exist anymore. He's died. The man may look the same but he's an alien. The sooner you accept this, the earliest you'll begin recovery.

My stbxh said this to me. In a letter.

Best of luck OP

You might not see it but i can discern a change in your language and words. The devastation is still there of course but I think you're starting to come out of the shock a little bit.

I hope your GP appointment is fruitful. I am so glad your children are supportive. The truth has a way of coming out, and your ex's attempt to keep OW on the down low didn't last long did it. Your instinct was right - congratulate yourself for that.

I actually feel the same about nearly expecting this shit to drop on my lap at some point 😢

Exactly

Find your rage, love.

He's made a stupid decision with his dick.

A dicksision.

Do not. Listen. To anything. He says.

Take your solicitors advice on your next steps. Take leave. Take all the support out there.

Good luck OP, this is the worst of it - he is the fool, not you. Never you. I'm glad you are seeking professional advice, don't agree anything privately with him. Your children sound lovely, you are obviously a great person to have raised such a supportive family. He's toast, the stupid fool, throwing away what so many would give anything to have.

Glad you have a support network.

You talk about how you love and miss him. Are you sure? Isn’t it the person you thought he was that you loved and now miss? Because it turns out he isn’t that person at all. That is not to invalidate all the happy years you had together, but he has developed into an unpleasant person.

I have to say I cringed when I read the bit about you begging him on your knees. Even if it did make him he change his mind and decide to come back to you (highly unlikely) you wouldn't be able to just ignore all the misery he has caused you, surely? I wouldn't, anyway.

Im am truly sorry that your husband has done this to you. I find it really sad when you say you cant stop crying I hope you find peace soon. There have been a few women in your position and at first they think their world has ended, but then they come back stronger and cant believe how hurt they felt and realise what a total bastard their DH was. I wish you well.

This is unfair to marriages without infidelity issues, which are a huge percentage of society.

Women come to MN to talk about their problems. Few come to say 'I'm very happy with my life", specially because there are always going to be misery posters to drag them down of their perch. 😊

Most women with good marriages and DHs, with their up and downs, rarely post. Seeing continuously posts about arseholes, gave us the idea, all men are. They are not.

Teens anger songs are good. I find listening to Gayle ABCDE fuck you and shouting the fuck you part out very loudly quite refreshing after being wronged.

I hear you, and feel the ache. The first few days are grim, but you will find a clean space in your head where you start to focus on making plans for the future, and moving forward.

My 1st husband told me late one night, a couple of days before we wee going on holiday, that he didn’t love,me, he didn’t think he’d ever loved me, he’d met someone else, he was leaving, he wanted a divorce, and we had to sell our house. Just like that. We’d known one another for 22 years, married for 14.

He also tried to rewrite our history, fabricating our life together as one long struggle, and treating me like a stranger. He WAS a stranger, I didn’t know the person he was being. It drove me potty trying to figure out if he’d always been this person, and I’d been fooling myself about his love, kindness and authenticity.

A few days lat, I got a grip, photocopied all his financial stuff, pay slips, pensions, bank accounts I knew nothing about. He’d moved out. A glimpse of a trembling future emerged from that. I had a random thought about how nice it would be decorate and furnish my new place without him dominating the choices. Even though I loved our home. It was a seed, it grew, and he continued to be an utter arse, but I did the divorce myself, and I was OK. Lots of tears, self doubt, depression, and initially like a bomb went off in my life.

it will be ok, but take the time you need, and accept the help and support that others will offer. It will build you up to take the on, and come out on top. You’re an amazing and loving soul, this is not you. It’s him. He’s a dick. You deserve better than him.

Thank you for the update.

He is a liar and an abuser, and they are very good at twisting people's perceptions. You are not at fault. If he was unhappy he could simply have left. It is NEVER an option to cheat if you are a decent human being. They all cheat for exactly the same reason - they want to. That's it. That's the only reason.

It doesn't matter if he looks good for his age, 60 is not 40. He will be exhausted and run ragged by his new screw and her young family. He has no IDEA how hard a blended family is, how much effort it takes to make things work even when they don't start from tainted and tarnished beginnings.

And her ex husband is unlikely to play nice when he discovers he's been abused and lied to as well.

He's set himself up for drama llama ding dongs for many years to come. His contented, easy life is now over - he just doesn't realise it yet.

Please don't be ashamed or afraid to tell people in your circle how dreadfully he has treated you. He is entirely at fault and you owe your ex husband zero loyalty. He has none for you.

Good luck.

Been there. Be kind to yourself. His actions are pretty much the worst thing you can do to someone that isn't actually illegal. Whatever happens, the life you had is gone, so it is ok to grieve for it. But it will get better. Get support, tell people when you can and don't engage with him. He isn't your friend anymore and doesn't have your best interests at heart. Do yourself a favour and just cut him off and send in the lawyers when you feel ready.

Remember op that his actions are no reflection on you, also take him off the pedestal, put yourself on a pedestal. He’s an old fool who’s undertaken the biggest stupidest cliche of going off with a woman half his age. He’s no prize. You obviously had a great life and you’re mourning that. He can’t take that away, you can own that, that’s your life, it’s not all about him. It’s your life, focus on you.

You sound like you have a lovely daughter (I can’t remember if you mentioned more children sorry) remember many things that have made your life nice/nice memories are you and yours.

But these thoughts will come later as you realise this. Right now it’s still a huge shock, be really easy on yourself. Sorry if I’m rambling, I wish I could make you a hot chocolate and tell you it’ll be okay, I know how raw the pain is as do many of us.

Hold your head high, you’ve lived and loved and can look in the mirror. when he looks in the mirror he sees a cheating fool.

Don’t internalise any of his stupid comments. They all say the same thing because they have to justify their lying and deception, almost like a cognitive dissonance. He did love you, he doesn’t regret marrying you. They ALL say that. He’s just had his head turned by novelty. Boring, he’s just joined the long line of silly men and their Willy thinking.

@Pleasenotme that's good about your boss, sounds like she is supportive which is what you need right now. See how your appointment with the GP goes, if you feel you need to be signed off then do it, maybe some time out to get your head straight is what you need. The WFH option is good too. From my own experience, in the end I did find that WFH all the time wasnt doing me any good as it allowed me to wallow and be miserable - as much as I hated the thought of going into the office in a way it did me good as it forced me to get out and see people and act normal, and was basically a reminder that life was still carrying on outside of this awful thing that happened. Everyone is different though, and at least that option is there if you need it.

Also you are NOT a fool! You loved and trusted your husband, and he betrayed that trust. This is all on him, not you.

The trouble is when you get "the script" (just so predictable) if you marriage was so ghastly and awful how come he never said anything about it before? He's had long enough.
Because it's bollox, that's why. He is stricken with lust for this dreadful woman and that is ruling his every word and deed. It's pathetic really.
Once the lust wears off he will start to understand what he's missing.
A friend told me recently that my ex said he threw away everything he had for a whim and he wishes he hadn't done it. Tough luck mate, I've made a new life and don't want him back, not after what he put me through.