Thank you with all my heart for the amazing messages, so many of you have put so much care and effort, and kindness, into your words, and I am beyond grateful. I so wish that those who have written from experience had never had to endure such things though. I'm still an absolute wreck, virtually no sleep and I couldn't eat any of the takeaway my brother brought here last night. I admit I did have a couple of glasses of wine though; I'm not usually a drinker but I just needed them. I know how easy it is to slip into too much too regularly in these circumstances so I will be careful. I was terrible company for my brother, just soaking through tissue after tissue, sobbing and going over and over about the same things. He was very stoic.
My boss has just called again and offered me WFH for the next few weeks if I don't feel up to going into our main office and facing people. She also emphasised that I must take sick leave if my GP thinks it would be helpful; I have my telephone consultation this afternoon. To the PP who said I was in flight or fight mode, that's absolutely correct; I simply want to run away from everything because if I do, the pain might stop. I actually went as far as typing out my email of resignation last night then mentally shook myself and deleted it. I need the money and I've worked bloody hard over the years to get where I am and a PP who wrote that I shouldn't do anything drastic when grief-stricken was right. But my job seems so pointless, everything seems so grey and flat and barren. It's like a light has gone out in my life and I'm just stuck in miserable twilight.
Someone commented about 'if this is real, and I doubt it is' - I can't find the PP who wrote that now, but I assure you that there is a woman in agony here typing this out as I felt yesterday that I had nowhere to turn and I was literally desperate, and still am. I am going to tell the Dr I feel suicidal, because I do. I know that's not a rational, or sensible, or mature reaction but it is what I am feeling and it's like a tidal wave of misery washing over me. So sadly, this is all too real and god knows I wish it weren't. I would do anything to wake from this and find it was just the worst kind of nightmare, nothing more.
@Sparklywhiteteeth in respect of the OW and what I know, yes my youngest DD saw them but sadly other stuff has now come out which means there is no doubt about her and my DH's relationship. My eldest DS confronted him and there was a semi-omission which he then hastily retracted. I think he was so shocked at DS's stance, as they are normally best friends and DS is a gentle, non-confrontational soul, that he let his guard slip.There are also several other things but they are identifying so I won't elaborate. I do suspect the OW is reading this though as I know she is a MN fan. I wish you karma if you are, OW.
To those commenting about him verging on being elderly, he's late 50's but doesn't look it due to his fitness and is often mistaken for being far younger. Until he became this stranger he has always been a warm and loving H who I still felt - feel - very passionately about. My heart always lifted when I heard his key in the door and all I want now is to hear it again. I miss him beyond words.He has said such terrible things to me but I'm struggling to accept he is in his right mind because it is literally like an episode from Dr Who where an alien invades someone else's body. I'm a very rational person, not given to hysteria normally, so I feel as if I'm in the middle of the most god-awful soap opera, a parallel universe. I looked into his eyes, not that he wanted to hold my gaze, and he wasn't there anymore and his eyes were so, so flinty and cold. Having looked at Vikki Stark's website, I see that he is in the 'discard' phase. Bloody hell, it's monstrous.
Financially we earn the same and both have good pensions so I will be OK but I can't afford to buy him out and the thought of losing our family home is almost too much to bear. I know it's only bricks and mortar but it has always been central to our large and I thought, happy, family life. I've spoken informally again to my lawyer contact and I am reasonably confident I know where I stand. I won't be pushed into anything by him even though he has suggested we 'agree things' between us without legal involvement. No bloody way.
My eldest DD has just called to see how I am. She asked me if I had heard from 'the prick'. I told her off for swearing but it gave me a smile. She loves him though and doesn't deserve any of this. Funnily enough she met the OW at a local do earlier this year and said afterwards, completely unprompted, that she didn't like her, instinctively didn't trust her and couldn't understand why my youngest DD helped her out by babysitting. She has just reminded me of that as I had forgotten. As I said in a previous post, I've been a fool and a blind one at that.