Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I really feel sorry for this guy too.
My ex and his OW ended two marriages too.😫

You may not think his looks are fading - but you love him. He may look well for his age but all too soon he we will start to feel his age. If the person you suspect is the OW then running around after 2 spoilt kids will age him more quickly.

You need to grieve the past before you can move on. Then try to find your anger. He has been completely obnoxious but he's just quoting from the cheat's handbook. Mourn for the good times you had but recognise that man is dead and a total shit has replaced him.

People can only make you feel bad if you let them. Write out a list of every single thing about him that has ever annoyed you, even down to leaving the lid off the toothpaste tube. Add to it every time you think of something new and reread the whole list each time.

You are doing well in your job. Write another list of your achievements and everything you have managed to do. Women tend not to celebrate our achievements enough, men have a magnifying glass for theirs. Get out your magnifying glass.

It will take time and you need to avoid any major decisions just yet but you will get through this and built another life for yourself.

I don't want to raise false hopes but these are my thoughts:
Noting the age gap the OW obviously hasn't looked at many 60+/65+ year old men recently. She is potentially in for some fun (not) in the future with two difficult (perhaps traumatised by break-up) teenagers, and an aging man as their stepfather/her partner in her family, as well as dealing with her ex, and child access arrangements. Honestly, IMO it is just sex and if your DH has any sense at all he will come he running back to you in time, begging forgiveness. But you have to give it time for him to wake up to what he is missing, when the novelty of sex with a younger woman wears off. Maybe his Dsis will remind him of how appalling their own father's affairs were which could help.
Consider taking the ADs if GP offers them, take a bit of time off sick if necessary but don't resign your job, keep a journal to help process your feelings. When you feel calmer consider whether you want to tell the OW's DH. Personally I would because he deserves to know.

I really feel for you OP.. what you're experiencing is grief and it's hard.
He is being unkind to you because he wants you to react so he can assuage his guilt.
My advice would be to not resign from work - trust me it will help keep you going although I know it doesn't feel like it now and to not let him bully you into selling your home.
He believes he holds the cards at this moment and you will cave and do want he wants you to do..
He probably will come back but your relationship will never be the same and eventually you will be so tired treading on egg shells it will be you that calls time.
Be kind to yourself

God these men are so horribly predictable.

Echoing the PPs - please don't resign, ask your GP for a sick note while you recover from the shock. Don't let him take your job, security and professional achievements away.

Do NOT resign from work! Work will be your saviour....please don't.

I've read only your original post and subsequent ones OP.

How are you feeling this morning? Did you get any sleep? Do you have support today, for seeing the GP, contacting a solicitor etc?

I cannot believe he actually said that he regretted marrying you. That's just obnoxious and disgusting; does he also regret the fact that his marriage to you brought your DC?! Shocking words.

His behaviour is typical of a man who has another woman in waiting and they will, in a few weeks/months 'start' seeing each other and declare they were both single. Neither were at fault for wrecking the others marriage. 🙄We all know they will lie.

If you get time, please try and read a similar thread to yours (sadly), it's called 'blindsided by H'. The OP in that thread has received some fantastic advice so when you feel ready, have a read of it.

I am so very sorry that you ended up with a 'typical' man who has treated you appallingly. I struggle to understand how you could ever have him back as you'd never be able to trust him and his wandering eye again.

This isn't a really old guy, from reading the OP's comments he is 57. Tom Hollander, Hugh Jackman, Matt Damon sort of age. Not a decrepit old grandad as posters are saying. But he is still a lousy tool. I just wanted to chuck that in, amongst the thoughts that the OW will be sick of him in a few years and vice versa given the age gap, small badly behaved children in the mix and all the other negatives.

I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Please don't leave your job, pretend to be strong until you truly get there.

In answer to your opening question, my parents friends split up in their fifties when the guy went off with another woman. I don't know the ins and outs but they were back together within a couple of years and stayed together until he died in his late seventies. I don't know how common this is and I imagine that by the time these men wake up to themselves their wives have moved on anyway.

I’m so sorry OP.

When I was in my late teens my father declared one day he was leaving my mum for another woman. Completely out of the blue, devastated everyone in the immediate family. I will always remember my sister begging him to stay and he was so, so cold and completely a different person. He did the whole re-writing history thing too, it was almost like a script.

I will always remember being so angry I threw his clothes and shit out the window on behalf of my mother

I will always remember the devastation and grief my mother went through though. She did go through a period of heartbreak but she soon lawyered up with the help of a very good family friend and got a good settlement.

Nowadays, a good 16/17 years later, my mother is happily with another man in a good relationship. She is so, so much happier. outside of her relationship she has a good social life, is active and is enjoying life.

My father has a fractured relationship with me and my sibling which started from that day. The OW and him split up about 2 months after he left and he did come crying back to my mum, who told him no thank you basically.

I would recommend a good therapist when you are feeling up to it, I’ve really benefitted from one when I was going through my own break ups.

The podcast episode with Vanessa Feltz that others have recommended was also very good, would recommend a listen. By chance I listened to it a few days ago.

Be kind to yourself OP, you’ve had some fantastic advice on here.

I am so sorry. I can literally feel your pain from your posts, I could actually cry for you. It's awful and really does feel like the worst pain in the world that you'll never recover from. But you will. It does get easier. Please don't feel bad or call yourself pathetic, your world as you knew it has been completely pulled apart, but you can and will recover. Don't resign from your job. By all means, take some time out, get the GP to sign you off sick, But you'll need your job, not only financially but as a distraction.

Have a look at some other threads on here, I've seen quite few where they felt like you at the start and eventually they flourished and didnt even want their ex back! Like others have said, I do suspect at some point yours will want to come back. By that point I hope you feel able to tell him to eff off. Take care of yourself and keep posting x

"Bomb up his ass" 💣👍😜

Even if he did try and come back, you would likely never be able to be fully happy in the marriage again OP. You would struggle to rebuild trust, to trust him not to do it again, to forgive the infidelity. It wouldn't be the marriage you've had previously, it would be entirely different. And after the shock and panic ebbed away and the relief of him coming back, the doubts and fear would set in.

He isn't the man you thought he was and it's time to start treating him like someone you barely know: cold, civil, and protecting yourself.

Gosh OP — I am so sorry, what a terrible blow. The thing is, we cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we choose to handle the cards we are dealt. This man has decided he no longer wants to be in this marriage — this is extremely painful and hurtful, but if someone does not want to be with you; is that someone you want to be with? I know the default might be to beg for them back but that is only because it is so raw. Echoing what others have suggested, you need to now turn cold and practical. Begging him has only resulted in cruel responses from him. He has made up his mind, at least for now, and you need to take what he’s saying as what he means. This is not a man you should now want, he is not the same person you thought that he was. Get your ducks in a row, think only about YOU (just as he has done himself) and absolutely do not quit your job! You can not let this destroy you.

He might well come back in a few months having realised that the grass isn't actually greener.

The problem is that the same person won't come back. He will look the same, sound the same, even have the same DNA but he will no longer be the person you loved and trusted for decades. He will be the person who has lied to you, betrayed you, hurt you deeply and scarred you.

Effectively, at the moment, you are mourning the loss of the husband you loved and trusted to be at your side until death. In a very real sense you have been bereaved of the future you had together. And it's even more painful both because he chose to inflict this on you and because, unlike loss through death, you can still cling to the hope he might come back to you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My very best wishes for a strong and happy future whatever shape it might take.

Firstly I feel your pain and hurt .I am sorry this has happened to you ,you have done nothing wrong here.Please stop putting yourself down as well ,you are an attractive older woman, and it really pisses me off when people say (usually wanker husbands!) their wives have "let themselves go" like they are an Adonis!You will get through this and do not let him come back .Gather friends ,be easy on yourself and take each day as it comes .Sending hugs xxx

Don't resign from your job @Pleasenotme !!! Honestly, what you are feeling is temporary. I promise will not last. Yes it'll be very tough for a while and the pain will probably stay for a long time but it WILL and DOES diminish even though it feels like it never will!

I was in the same place as you when my mum died (not the same situation but the same sheer grief and not being able to cope / function). I couldn't even string a text message together or make myself a hot drink without crying, never mind compile the quarterly management accounts!

I was ready to hand my notice in but thankfully got talked out of it by my boss.

Now - over a year down the line - I am so grateful he did. It's been a welcome relief, nice to be in the office and chat to people about mundane things and a good distraction - and reason to get out of bed - on the days I've been struggling. If I would have quit I would have barely left the house and completely isolated myself.

Speak to your boss (or someone in HR), ask for some time off. Most people, even company directors (!) are sympathetic in these situations. If they're not then maybe get signed off for a while but you will be grateful for your job in the weeks and months to come I promise. If not least for the money!

Op what a horrible man. I am so sad for you reading this post. You really do deserve so much better. I am in my late 30s and cannot imagine going out with a man that age especially knowing that he was leaving his wife in such a cruel manner after so many years. I honestly don’t see how the relationship will work out for them, with the age gap and her having small kids .

If your youngest DC is under 18 I don't think he can ask you to sell & move.
It's very painful but as others have said you need some proper advice, I'd get to see a solicitor ASAP, it'll become "real" but at the same time I think it'll make you feel more in control of this thing that's unfolding.
Trust me, in a year you will see that this might be the best turning point in your life. You never know what life has in store

@Pleasenotme how are you this morning? I can't stop thinking about this thread. Your pain and love are utterly devastating. No advice as to what you should think or do or feel, just a hug from a stranger on the internet.

If there a way to buy him out do so, then when he wants to come back to you when things dont work out with O/W, you can tell him to P/off.

That last paragraph, though, is quick and simple to type, but the reality of someone - anyone - suddenly morphing into something you don’t recognise is literally the stuff of nightmares. Think werewolves and other horror genre beasts.

When you add to that transformation the fact that the person has been your closest living human, it’s a devastating thing to process.

Big hugs op and don’t feel one jot of shame about your grief or hurt. Besides severe illness or actually losing a loved one it’s about the worst thing anyone has to deal with. The fact that it’s more commonplace now doesn’t lessen that for people such as yourself who were loving in good faith.

And you were the one in the right and whose responses are natural, loving and human. Know that - and hold your head high op.

I'm so sorry OP. He doesn't deserve someone like you. You sound so loving and loyal. These are attributes, not faults whatever he may tell you. I hope you managed some food with your brother, and I hope you slept a little. Please know that you have an army of women here op ready to help or hold your hand whenever you need it 💐

Supremely unhelpful and pointless comment. Ironic really, seeing as you are having a go at the posters for something that YOU deem as pointless and unhelpful. People say 'didn't want to read and run' to let a very upset and distressed poster that they are in their thoughts.