Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

💯 this.

The man is a scum.
Hope it ends up shire for him soon.

Something a lot of people don't want to accept is that some people actually enjoy causing harm.

Cheaters and their cheerleaders sometimes feel zero guilt and enjoy the harm they cause.

They are disgusting creatures, and should be treated as such.

Agree. If she is sure about the identity of the new screw, she should waste no time letting the cheated on husband know.

At the very least, her husband deserves to be checked for diseases and has the right to make decisions based on reality, rather than lies.

Let the cheated husband know.
Pair of wankers.

I’m so so sorry you are going through this. No one deserves to feel this sad - sending love and hugs ❤️
No one knows how this will turn out or what he’s feeling. However the one thing you can control is yourself and every fibre of your being needs to take steps to look after your self.
there is some brilliant advice on this thread.
Please don’t resign. When I went through severe heartbreak once I’d got through the first weeks of shock I poured myself into work and it did help and gave me some pride and satisfaction in myself. Your boss sounds a good support.
Please go and see the doctor. I recommend sleeping tablets for a few weeks, just so you’re not awake at night. Sleep is so important.
Please make yourself eat something - low blood sugar and anxiety feel very similar. Soups stews healthy food. Buy stuff in if you can’t face cooking or if you’re stomach is knotted - but just eat little bits.
See friends and family and get out and walk even if you have to physically lean on them - get fresh air - travel further afield for walks different places if that’s helpful.
Get a therapist.
Read books you can escape into and also some self help books.
Watch any programmes or films that used to transport you/ make you happy/ help you escape.
dont stalk him, try not to guess the future - just get through each day for YOU and your own health and well being.
There will come a time quite soon where you will feel stronger and then you can look at next steps… your independence , finance even achieving at work and poss even your self image. All these things need to be done with the aim of healing and making yourself strong. Sending lots of love ❤️☀️❤️☀️

I don’t agree that OP should tell the OWs husband. He will know very soon if he doesn’t know now. Getting involved in spiteful tit for tats doesn’t help anyone, and perhaps it isn’t this woman. Leave the pair of them to their own mess. It will unravel soon enough, and the husband unfortunately has shown himself to be untrustworthy and beneath contempt.

Don’t be ashamed OP, I did all those bings. I cried, beg, I self harmed! Fucking hell. It was like the person that I knew had died. I still maintain that would have been easier.

I am 15 years on. He turns up occasionally to pick up the kids and I feel nothing but embarrassment that this weak chinned, aging man made me want to die of heartbreak. This hurts like nothing on earth right now but the pain does subside.

Right now, you’re in ‘fight or flight’ or mode. This won’t last forever, and you’ll start being able to cope. This sounds like a classic midlife crisis for your DH. What you must do, as incredibly difficult as it will be, is take his power over you away. Stop any attempts at contacting him. Tell your DC that if he asks, they should tell him you’re OK and starting to realise maybe it’s for the best. As soon as he thinks he can’t just stroll back into his safe, secure life with you anytime he wants, the reality of what he’s done will start to hit him. He’s currently staying with his sister. Either the OW will get cold feet now it’s got serious, or she’ll have to tell her husband, setting off a bomb in her own life. If they do get to the stage of living together, presumably with her two young kids who’ll miss their Dad, this will be worlds apart from meeting up surreptitiously for sex. At some point, the tide will turn, he’ll realise what a terrible mistake he’s made, then he will be the one spiralling and you’ll be the one in control. I just hope that by then, you’ll have realised you deserve so much better, changed the locks and treat him with the same level of callousness that he’s showing you now in a futile attempt to blame you and assuage his guilt.
You WILL get through this x

Absolutely agree with every word. I’ve been in this situation and know how gut wrenching hard it is, but this is on the nail.

It helps everyone to know they have been cheated on, even if it is a painful truth.

If OP is sure of the identity of the new screw, she should definitely tell message the husband.

He deserves to know his sexual safety and health has been compromised, he needs to be checked for diseases, and deserves to make decisions based on the reality that he is living with a treacherous liar.

Yes. If he blows up, please try to not let him come back. It won’t be because he loves you.

OP I've read this whole thread this morning and your husband is a coward and liar. From your posts though you keep talking about looks - his, yours and hers and putting yourself down. You talk as if he's some prize and can't believe your luck in having him all these years. Have you been worried in the past that you're punching above your weight with him? You're not, and I hate the phrase but it's convenient shorthand for now. Have you felt secure throughout the marriage?

This time is about you not him now. Don't let him worm his way back in.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re in shock and it is excruciatingly painful at the moment but it will ease over the next week or so. Don’t make any major decisions until the initial shock has worn off to be replaced by anger.

You will get through this over time but your marriage is unlikely to be salvageable and impossible as it is to imagine at the moment, you will eventually emerge stronger and happier.

I lost over 2 stones when it happened to me as I couldn’t eat very much in the first few weeks and I remember how shocked my ex looked when he saw me 6 months later after I’d had a bit of a makeover. That was a delicious moment, I can tell you!

OP, How are you feeling today? Please don't be hard on yourself. Infidelity is all about the cheating partners inadequacies, not yours. Some of the most beautiful women in the world get cheated on.

Allow yourself to grieve and repeat the mantra that 'you are strong', and 'this will pass'. Warm baths, eat little and often, have a walk, read or watch something on TV to try and give your brain little breaks.

Once the intial shock has passed you can gain strength by getting your plans into action, speak to a solicitor, get the house valued, start a new hobby or move the house around. Treat yourself to new clothes or a fabulous hair cut to symbolise the new you.

You sound like a kind, wonderful woman. I hope it won't be long before you can start looking to your bright new future.

My father left my mother after 30 years of marriage and two adult children. The beginning was like the devastation of an explosion. My mother begged me to ask him to come back. She couldn't eat or sleep.
She continued working because the routine was helpful and the social connections made her feel less isolated. She saw a solicitor and ended up with a good settlement. Life went on. He became a marginal figure and in the end me and my DSis broke contact with him. We never even speak about him now. No one really cares what he's up to or where he is.
My mother went on to have two other relationships and now has a lovely life in a new house with the active social life she couldn't have while he was the centre of her world.
It's a shock but I would urge you to concentrate on the practical side, finances etc. If he came crawling back you would never be able to trust him again and that is no way to live. You will get over it. There is a whole new life out there and you will be happy again.

I’m not sure op does know for certain though. There was a sighting of them together but the DD couldn’t confirm it was not just innocent. Op felt this woman paid a lot of attention to DH at first, then scaled it back. So it’s suspicious but not certain.

The other couple don’t deserve that bombshell if it’s inaccurate; and op will look unhinged and lose support from that circle if she makes a false allegation. If she stays dignified and it comes out, she will garner respect. It’s not op’s job right now to lessen the pain of the cuckolded husband of the ow - if that’s what he is. Op can offer sympathy or support later, if that is what she feels she would like to do. But she ought not to risk tilting at windmills.

I had an aunt who this happened to 50 years ago. She never got over it and spent the rest of her young and fruitful life waiting for him to return. Her husband was a serial philanderer but, and this is a big but, the other woman finally left him and he died in absolute penury and misery. Very early days, but try to look forward, be brave, be courageous and make your own new and fruitful life. You do not know what good things lie ahead for you. Remember the old adage from Love Story: Love means never having to say you are sorry. Love yourself and your kids and be with those who love you. Lady Karma will deal with the rest where your husband is concerned, believe me!

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You will take solace that you are not alone and there are a whole army of women this has also happened to. Draw strength from that and find your people who can support you.

I don't know if this will help, but there is a podcast episode with Elizabeth Day featuring Vanessa Felts and she talks about how she felt when her first husband left her - this is before the most recent guy also did the dirty on her. She talks with hindsight, how she should have spotted the signs and how she was also literally on her knees begging him to stay. She said she felt mad with it - I think even tried to get in front of his car to prevent him from driving off. I'll try and find the link. Sometimes listening to others' stories of the same situation can help.

open.spotify.com/episode/6tgUHuxK7lLhQCjZa9Pdhf?si=zJAkPNJ_QXG6aRRpgMPYxw

The Vanessa Feltz episode on How to Fail

Huge hugs OP. Unfortunately I have been in your situation albeit I was younger with younger DC so we hadn’t been together as long. Things do get better.
My ex rewrite history a little but a friend’s ex did a character assassination & has not been the same since. Do not let him change your view of yourself. He is saying these things to make him feel better. It is not true. Stay strong 💪

I know it doesn't seem like it now but I promise in a few years you will be glad he is gone , if that's how he is treating you why would you want him OP ? Let him off men get notions and think the grass is greener he will soon find out it's not and I hope by then you will have moved in and focus on yourself and won't give him a second thought . You need to focus now , protect yourself move any assets / money you can and speak to a divorce lawyer ASAP because you can be sure he has. Don't let your love for him cloud your judgement and don't let him leave you with nothing !!

I'm sorry he has been so hurtful and compounded his actions with cruel words.

If he is with her then at the moment he is in a hazy rosy glow with an attractive younger woman boosting his ego. It will be a grim shock when he is faced with the domestic reality and day to day drudgery of life with young children without the charm of them being his own children. Plus he will be in a position where it is not his place to comment on their behaviour. Plus divorce will deplete his finances. I imagine he will realise the grass is not in fact greener and regret what he has done to you, not that that is much consolation right now!

@Pleasenotme would you want him back though if she dumps him? I couldn't live with the deceit and lies. Get to a solicitor - a really good one with a steel heart and get as much as you can while he feels guilty

Sorry, I said 'should have spotted the signs' - that's not true. She talks about how looking back, there were a few odd episodes - again with his language. It's also absolutely wild how she finds out.

It's been interesting to watch her journey after splitting up with the latest husband - I think his name is Ben. She said she went out every night for a year as couldn't bear to be home alone. She's very open about it all and how she struggled with everything.

I'll stop banging on about her now!

Sending lots of love. You sound brilliant and strong. Of course you are in 'shock' mode right now, so let that storm ride out. You will get to the angry phase soon which is more productive but for now, take it very, very easy. Drink lots of tea and see people. Talk to people. You'll hear stories which will help you gain strength. Keep getting up in the morning and putting on that lipstick.