Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I would ask your friends wife who she knows is a rabid divorce solicitor,
You. need someone who will make him.hurt with how much he has lost.

personally I wouldn’t be surprised to find him on your doorstep when he realises that his mistress isn’t going to blow up her life for some old man

I wouldn’t be surprised that to her this is an ego boost a distraction to give her a thrill

For your own sake don’t take him back if he comes crawling back. He will just do it again and again

I'm also concerned that you might be mistaken about the woman's identity, OP, as I don't think I've seen where you say you have definite proof that it's her.

Please do not tell the suspect's husband until you are 100% positive about it. The fall out from such a mistake is something you don't need.

My heart bleeds for you.

Did you at least give him and the relationship the respect of bringing up the issues at any point before coming to a decision to leave, given the counselling was just you going through the motions?

Then he should have discussed it instead of being such a weak coward.
And I expect the ow will get sick of him fast, she certainly wont be able to ever trust him.

He's not your soulmate, he is a cruel abusive liar.

Yes, there is always another woman. Or as near to always as to make no difference.

You should seek counselling for yourself for support during the period of grieving you will experience and to find ways to survive his abusive behaviour.

Seek legal advice immediately and take everything that you are owed. He will be relying on you being too grief stricken and destroyed to fight for what's yours.

He's not coming back. In time you will realise that is far better than being the doormat for him to wipe his boots on. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself, stay distracted and busy, and don't lie for him.

If anyone asks tell them the basic truth - he left you for another woman and lied about it.

You will get through this. Accepting it is the first step towards that.

It won't be much comfort now, but he will cheat on and abuse his new screw too. Once an abusive liar, always an abusive liar.

He regrets marrying you but managed to stomach it for 35 years. What a tosser.

This is purely about himself and what he wants and he is trying to justify it by painting you as black as possible. It’s easy for me to say but you shouldn’t want him back. I understand you want the ‘old’ him and your former life together but he’s not that person any more, if he ever was.

I hope this backfires on him big time, and if it does, please don’t take him back bc the only reason he’d come back is bc you’re a safe option - he is a despicable man that rather than leave as kindly as possible is doing his utmost to hurt you and rub salt in your wounds. You are better off without him x

It's very important for you to process and absorb this one truth. He is a liar.

Nothing he says can be trusted. He is a liar. Everything he says is self serving. He is a liar.

Liars lie, that's what they do. The fact that he chose to lie to and betray you, his life long partner who loved him, means he cannot be trusted about anything, ever. He will continue to lie to you AND ABOUT YOU. He will lie to others about anything that suits him. He is a liar. And liars are dangerous.

None of this is your fault. If he had issues, he could have simply left without cheating on you. He could have talked to you. He chose to cheat, because he wanted to.

Be kind to yourself, seek support from good people.

And I always recommend Chump Lady to women who have been betrayed.

She doesn't pretend that cheating is anything except abuse, and reframes their filth, lies and narcissism.

"Cheaters tend not to say nice things about you, because character assassination gets the blameshifting job done."

https://www.chumplady.com/character-assassination-6-ways-to-react-to-a-false-narrative/

I think this is and excellent come back to him saying he regrets marrying you OP - you say ‘Well at least I had your best years, she’s welcome to you in your dotage’, preferably with a smirk.

At the risk of sounding ageist, He’s nearly 60 FGS - has he got her lined up to look after him?

Maybe add you feel sorry for the other woman as she’ll have 2 young children AND an OAP to take care of before too long. Not much of a prize for her.

Her poor husband sounds well shot of her, as you are of your shitty ex, OP. I feel sorry for her children.

His mind was made up.
Any discussion would have probably ended in a shouting and screaming match, making things worse.

Why would the OW get sick of him quick?

If he loves her, he wont cheat, he had stopped loving the outgoing wife.

Oh I had years of telling him what the issues were but he simply didn't listen. He was complacent and lazy and kind of a dick. But ultimately I simply didn't love him anymore and I couldn't live with someone I didn't love.

OP please do not quit your job right now (or soon). Take time off if you need to. It sounds like you have a supportive boss, so lean into that and let her help you as much as necessary. Now is not the time to be making big decisions like quitting work.

I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you will get back to being your competent self. Your H has not taken that away from you. Your competent self is just taking a break, while your heartbroken self has her turn for a while.

If he loves her, he wont cheat, he had stopped loving the outgoing wife.

😆
Get a load of that cheaterspeak drivel, folks. They won't cheat because they "love" somebody, until they don't love that person and she becomes the "outgoing wife." But of course OW will never be the "outgoing wife." He will never stop "loving" her.

Now for the truth; women are like household appliances to men like this. They need to be updated when they get too old. They do not love their appliances. They say they do because they have a use for them, but only until they they find a new one to use.
Then they "stop loving" the outgoing appliance. He has decided OW is a shiny new Miele and OP is an old, broken down Samsung.
That's the dreadful reality.
One day OW will be the Samsung to him, but he will be too old himself to find a new Miele. That is if OW sticks around. Mate poachers are not exactly known for being steady and reliable people.

Everyone is assuming the OW will leave her DH and set up home with OP's husband. She may give him the brush off now that it's a real thing and he has actually left his DW.

It will serve him right if this is the case.

OP please don't take him back if he comes crawling, you are worth more than this.

Go off sick if you need to but do not resign. You will need your work. I know right now you are feeling so awful and it isn’t pathetic but this intensity won’t remain. It will lessen. The way your husband has spoken to you is appalling but typical of a man who has another woman. Just put one foot in front of the other. I’m so sorry this is happening to you OP.

Exactly right.

They cheat because they want to. That's the only reason. Ever.

He's a treacherous, cunning, selfish liar. Nothing he says can be trusted.

He'll cheat on the new screw without a moment's thought.

We are what we do. He's lying, faithless, treacherous scum.

Hang on that’s not what she wrote, the daughter said she saw him with the other woman, and doesn’t know if it is innocent, and the op doesn’t know, she doesn’t say how the meeting looked, was it a coffee, talking in the park, or even dinner. Depending on what it was they could have bumped into one another.

the husband told her he was unhappy , hadn’t been for a long time. And Insisted there was no one. The op has simply made the leap as the daughter saw him with their friend,

"If he loves her, he wont cheat, he had stopped loving the outgoing wife."

Cheating is not to do with love, or the state of the relationship. It is to do with entitlement and a lack of moral compass.

If you don't love someone, you get divorced or you otherwise break up. You do not repeatedly lie and put your partner at risk of STDs out of your own need for an ego-stroke.

He will cheat again, because he is capable of cheating. This type never really love. They just move from one 'wife appliance' to another.

He has to do this or face the truth about himself. Demonising you allows him to feel ok even justified about what he's done. That's it, he's doing this to make himself feel better, he'd willing to harm you so he can feel better and behaving in a horrible way. It's not any deeper, it doesn't mean anything, it's him throwing you under the bus so he can feel good about himself.

I don’t think so.

Of course on the one hand he is being cold and cruel. But it begs the question how do you end a 35 year relationship in a way that isn’t, particularly with someone who doesn’t want the relationship to end. Ask for 3 or 5 years to go play the field/live alone/do anything but this? Literally what words do you say that simultaneously end the relationship but leaves the other feeling good about themselves?

OP, I hope you are feeling better this morning. It may help to go into practical mode. What are the things that need to happen now? Maybe take a little while to note down the points here and have them at the back of your mind.
The one really important decision (and it is a decision) you must make is deciding that this will not break you, and that you are going to stride out of this trial by fire. Decide that however awful you felt yesterday, the future version is going to be so so proud of everything you’ve achieved.

I would also suggest booking something nice for you for six or eight weeks time. A weekend in a place you haven’t visited, anything really. Maybe with one of the kids, or a friend- but maybe also alone.

Any woman who breaks up her family with very young DC to go off with a man who is nearly 60 needs her head examined.

In 10 years he’ll be nearly 70, and her dc will be early teens. He’ll be retired and they’ll still be living at home with a defacto granddad.

Then there is the whole split contact, other dad on the scene, the kids get old enough to know your ex split up their family and cheated on their dad. They’ll despise him.

OP, they may have feelings for each other, and they may be in limmerance but they both have some very serious aggro coming their way from all angles.

That’s if this happens though. The OW may just be on an ego high. She may just be basking in his adoration and he a deluded man child thinking he’s gods gift to women young enough to be his daughter. She may just be mum hitting 40 with young kids, bored and feeling a bit meh, not much romantic time with DH. She may be in for a very nasty shock when he announces himself available and ready for them to sail off into the sunset. When it comes to her losing everything (DH, finances, house, a custody battle, her family and friends turning against her) she might just panic and cut him off saying there was nothing in it.

I actually think you need to tell her DH. She’s set a bomb off in your life, yes this is war, send one back.

Yes this is very sage advice op , All will come out in time.

That said, I’m sure you are probably right from what you have observed about their behaviour here. You write eloquently, with insight and, above all, real honesty about your feelings - all characteristics that will help move you through this awful time and into a more peaceful place.

Big hugs.

Exactly.

Meant to also say… him having the book’s worth of insults is about him/projection.

I would not engage with any of it for one second. It should stir up absolute contempt for his immaturity and weak character. If you need a glib way of not dealing with it try. “You can’t argue with crazy”

What’s wrong with you … posting like that here at this time?

You may enjoy getting your kicks by sailing in a provocative direction but please find another thread to play on. Even the way you have worded those thoughts suggests you are meaning them unkindly not constructively.

Listen his looks and body will age.
And there is no fool like an old fool.
He has attached himself with a cheater.
She is likely do the same to him.
She will not want to care for an old man.
He will deserve that.

He is a rat.
You will not always feel like this.
You have your life and your children

Good times and feelings will come.
These horrible times will pass.

Be strong.