Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Not that there's any point in dwelling on this in the circumstances but you seem quite hang up on the body beautiful thing: Even Clint Eastwood looked a bit rough at 70, unless your DH is a vampire, he'll look a lot older than her in 10 years time and she'll probably do him the same turn as he's doing you now, that is if they stay together that long. Karma will deal with them soon enough...
What you need to do now is pull yourself together, don't short change yourself in this divorce and if you are unhappy about the way you look, do something about it once the dust has settled.
Sending you strength and wishing you luck!

One day, I don't know when, but one day some time in the future, you will feel calm and ready to look him in the eye and tell him "you really are no better than your father". And walk away. That's all you'd ever need to do to hurt him as much as he's hurting you right now.

I'm so glad you've posted as what you need right now is an outlet. Let it all out here as you process it. It really is like a grief. Nobody deserves to be betrayed like this. The things he's saying about you are cruel and untrue. Men rewriting history to make themselves feel better about their scummy behaviour is a tale as old as time.

There’s no fool like an old fool.

Your DH is an idiot. Sorry OP but what an appalling thing to do.

I doubt it will last but you have now seen he’s not the man you thought he was. Treacherous bastard!! Sorry to call him that but what a midlife crisis plonker he is.

Although this feels like the worst possible thing right now it’s going to change you and give you some kind of new direction, yes it’s unwanted but I get the feeling you are going to be ok. You sound very solid and like you have solid values and that’s a great place to start from.

i hope you have some good friends who can help you through this. Your DC and DB are close to you too it seems. You will get through this.

Im so sorry it’s happened.

At some point you’re going to get angry once the shock has worn off.

I wish you so much happiness. Your future may well be completely different to what you expected but I believe there will be adventures and happiness along the way.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Give him hell OP and then move on and find your new happy whatever it may be.

His looks might not be fading YET. But there’s a reason the government think they can make people work till they’re nearly 70 now- people in their sixties can look and still feel amazing but often after that things can change rapidly, looks AND health wise. The OW, if she is that much younger, is likely going to regret this ten years down the line when she could be stuck with an old man while she is also trying to parent teenage kids.

So sorry this has happened to you OP - I can never understand why men dump a loving family for a fling. He’ll likely regret it eventually (maybe even years later) and make friendly overtures to you again - but I hope you’ve moved on by then as you truly are better off without him.

At least he’s shown his true colours while you are still relatively young and healthy too - I’d hate to be reliant on someone like him in my old age, as you now know he’s never going to be there for you when the going gets tough. You’ve had the best of him (your kids) but this sadly wasn’t a partnership- the OW will likely find that out to her cost eventually too.

This is so hard on you. Get yourself a good counselor asap. Eventually you won’t want him back, then it will be irrelevant what he wants. It will take time. Just go hour by hour until you can day to day.

Exactly this!! It won’t last. His head’s been turned. I can’t wait for him to realise what a dick he’s been. But OP that’s not a reason to take him back.

look at it this way, you’ve had the best years of him. He’s going to fade and get old.

It’s doomed from the start, so often these things are. He really is an old fool.

Please move on and find a better model.

You are not pathetic my DM went through the same married for 32 years and she was devastated but then again he'd been a bastard to us all over the years.
The impact is immense I saw it first hand as I happened to visit the same day as he was packing up.

could’ve written this myself ,you’ll be in shock just now , now 10 years on and I can’t believe that I ever wanted him back , people just change , keep your dignity and you’ll look back and wonder why you ever wanted him back

Of course he has a right to end his marriage if he is unhappy. He has absolutely no right go about it in a way that has left the OP in utter shock & with the belief it's to do with an affair. Men who behave in this manor forget it's often a whole family they are devastating,not just their wife. The opposite is obviously the same if it's the wife who has an affair & suddenly ends the marriage leaving her husband in shock if he has been as kind & faithful as the OP sounds.

Your DH turning nasty is very much the Script. They have the ability to switch off and become someone unrecognisable.

Stop hoping and start planning.

Legal and financial advice are essential, because he will be going all out with it his end. Do not accept anything he says about what is going to happen - get professional advice. You have the rights.

Be open with family and friends - you'll need them.

Right it sounds exactly like those romance scammers that randomly message you in social media.

Yeah, she is going through the shock phase which is the hardest.

Once you fully absorb the shock you will be on your way OP.

Good that your brother is round for support and has food. You may not feel like eating but its especially important you give your body fuel at this time.

Oh my heart goes out to you! This was me 10 years ago. Totally poleaxed after 27 years together. Him and our DC were my world and when he was eventually outed and left I felt all the things you’re feeling now.
i can still remember the betrayal, crippling pain and inadequate feelings and I’m not sure they will ever completely leave me.
i too desperately wanted to hear stories of straying husbands returning to their wives and regretting their mid life crisis and living happily ever after.
i made a big mistake crying often down the phone to my DD and in later years she admitted how hard that had been for her, my advice is talk to your friends, rant on here but try not to continually vent to your DC. They’re also feeling his betrayal too.

Take one day at a time, eventually those days become weeks and then months and you will survive. You will enjoy life again and he will have to forever live with what he’s done to his family.
10 years on I’m happy and have a wonderful new man in my life but I’m never going to completely trust him or anyone else ever again! Eventually though , you do become stronger and more resilient but it takes time.
As for my ex …he married his OW…. Are they happy? Who knows? But I actually find I no longer care! She’s welcome to him!

I really feel for you OP, you've had an enormous shock. He's been planning this for a while, but for you it's incredibly fresh and raw. Give yourself time to process it, it sounds like you're in denial at the moment which is understandable.

You will get through this x

My friend told me about what happened with her husband. He said he was leaving her, he didn't love her in that way anymore. Their son was 5. She begged him to go to Relate but he wouldn't, just left. There had been another woman for about four months (they eventually got married). She remembers his dad coming round and crying in front of them and begging his son not to break up their family but her husband just sat impassive in the chair staring into space.

I know a man who shocked us all and ran off with a married woman with young kids. However, he returned to the wife when the OW dithered and in the end decided to stay with her husband.

The wife was a stay at home mum and very religious, so she took him back and they are still together. But had the OW not decided what she did, we all know the husband would not have returned - he was very set on this OW.

My ex DH dropped the bombshell that he’d been seeing someone else. It came out of the blue and hurt like hell. I kept bursting into tears for weeks! I begged him not to leave me. Unfortunately ,he chose to leave. After a few weeks, it dawned on me that the trust was gone, and even if he did come back, I could never , ever trust him again.
We were married 27 years, together for 31.

Luckily, my adult kids were great and supportive, and I owe it to them that I met my new husband.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but the pain WILL die down and you will be a stronger person.

Can we stop talking about what people look like? Love is nothing to do with looks.

Not platonic love no, but I think it's naive to pretend that looks aren't relevant to romantic love between a woman and a man. Attraction is part of romantic love, and while looks aren't the only thing that attract, they are definitely a factor.

He however, will discover this to his detriment in a few years when he's in his 60s and his young lover is wanting a partner her own age. I bet she falls out of love pretty quickly...

When men go for younger women, it often backfires at some point.

No. Looks have nothing to do with love. Otherwise no one "unattractive" would ever experience love.

@Pleasenotme I’m so sorry, I can tell how much pain you are in, I went through the same. My DH left for a woman half his age.

The shock and pain was just unbelievable, I used to wake up those first couple of weeks with a judder like I was falling down an escalator shaft. I posted on here about it and the lovely women on here helped me.

I agree with others - take the day 5 minutes at a time. It’s going to be painful - this is normal, you’re a normal human being in shock. It’s a huge betrayal.

Try to keep eating - soup, stew, smoothies, I know you won’t want to but you must keep up with eating something otherwise you’ll feel worse.

Lean on family and friends, tell them what he’s done and talk. Try to get out for fresh air with them and be in nature. I know it sounds cheesy about nature but it will calm you a bit.

It will get easier, I know it’s a huge shock and you’re in pain but I promise it will get easier in time. There is a diagram out there online called the grief ball, psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-ball-and-box-analogy it works for relationships and just the visual information of how grief works can give you some hope that this is a process that you will get through.

Post on here and vent, it was a huge help for me.

ps it didn’t last with the girl my stupid DH left with but I could never have taken him back as I saw him for the weak fool he was.

Echoing the support so sorry op. Can’t help but think karma will get him though imagine having to be involved in the upbringing of two “spirited” kids when your own lovely kids are now grown. Flipping nightmare.

Remember the shockwaves in my village when I was a child when a well known and liked family the dad left suddenly for a younger woman. Everyone hated the dad for doing this. He couldn’t have shown his face in the village. Still remember being shocked at the anger displayed by everyone including the gentle hippy type mum who never got cross in response. People will be judging him. This is why he’s scrabbling to malign you.

If he is not happy, then he will leave.
We only have one go at life on this world, and we need to make as best and as happy, and as stress free as possible.
Maybe his new woman will keep hold of him, maybe he will throw her away in time.
They could also have many happy years together.

Oh OP. No words that can truly help. Just reiterating that you will get through this and come out of the other side at some point; things will get better no matter what happens because you can do this. You are allowed to feel all these emotions, stop apologising and please be kind to yourself. Massive MN hugs. Xxx

I'm so sorry you are going through this. His behaviour is terrible and of course he is trying to blame you as he doesn't want to recognise his part in the destruction of your marriage and involving another woman!

Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but do you have hobbies you can lean into? How about spending time away with your Mum, get out of the house which is full of memories and scents...

Sadly my Aunt in law went through this. My uncle in Law expected everyone in the family to stop talking with her, and because she had been a part of the family's life for so long, no one would nor could see why they should.

So he ended up cutting himself off from his family and married the OW and his adult children stayed away.

That relationship failed but he never repaired his with his family. My AIL offered him a room in the property she bought after their settlement which he refused.

After he died and almost penniless, his son said he had become very unhappy and almost recluse like. His last request was that his family were not to attend his funeral.

My AIL is still alive, threw herself into crafting and such like, but it certainly took away her brightness. The OW was a neighbour.

Not just joint finances but everything he has personally. Every pension, investment, land, property, car, business etc
. The starting point is 50/50